Heavenly Laze before Surgery Craze

Sunday Funday became a Sunday Lazy day.

I woke up not feeling well. I couldn't sleep last night because I was up all night with a stuffy nose. The kind that you just can't blow and is stuck up all in your head. So when I finally did sleep, I slept all day. My mum and I had a girls day planned but it was put on halt. It was good though because she got one of her homework assignments done. (She's in school online to upgrade her degree.)

I hung out all day with my sis in the living room. I think she was recovering from Peach Fest where she went to see Lotus. I watched "Stepbrothers" with Will Ferrell and it was hilarious, as well as "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler and Jen Aniston. I needed a chill day where I didn't have to think and spending it with Natter Batter was the icing on the cake.

Thats when my mum reminded me I would help her with her assignment. Power point anyone? UGH how I don't miss those, but my mum was so excited when I finished it for her. Hmmm assisted her, in case her prof reads this ::wink wink::. Hahah Nah jk she's a smart cookie.


Today was another chill day. I have my surgery tomorrow and my game face is on. Mummeth made my favorite dinner (Almond crusted salmon.) Its actually so good. We then went to Target. I would definitely consider it one of my happy places. We needed new sheets for my bedroom. My sister when she crawled into bed with me this morning said

"Courtney, we really are the typical blonde vs. brunette siblings. I walk into your room and there is so much light. Everything is white, its like I'm in Heaven."

Hahah Her room has deep dark brown walls and mine have white crown molding half way up with a very light grey. Her windows let no light in because of the deep brown suede curtains and mine are white sheer. She has dark mahogany furniture and I have white. Tonight at Targert, we got a white eyelet duvet and sheets I've been wanting which are very cottage chic. We went with the pink sheets to mix it up a bit. Dexter looks just stunning laying on my bed, not that he didn't before but he loves the new look.

We got home from target and I scrubbed down in the shower. I chatted for a bit with the crush, he's kind of a babe, just the sweetest. I had to pound fluids until midnight. I hate NPO (Nothing by mouth), and had left over salmon right at 11:45. I also indulged in a little carrot cake. While doing something upstairs this afternoon, my mum and I didn't even hear what we have dubbed "The Carrot Cake Bandit." This person snuck in, left two pieces on the counter and disappeared with out a trace. Whomever you are, thank you for enabling my addiction ;)

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have my surgery. Its at 8:30 am. We leave the house at 6:30 and I wait. I'll be awake through the procedure (sedated but awake.) They do this so they don't hit any nerves in my spine or something like that. (I'm not impressed by the sound of this). I told them I didn't want to know that much about it beforehand because to be honest I'm scared $#!%less. That time I awoke from surgery at Toronto Sick Kids has me scarred and the panic attacks are getting ready to come out and play in full force. It will be interesting.

Until then, I'm in bed, cozy in my new sheets. Reading the new Cosmo and Shape and ready to rock and roll. It will be go time. I will be scared but I can do this. One step closer to starting treatment. One step closer to living my life again, to get back to being... me.

Accepting Applications (PG-13 or R Posting)

I talked about Chatting with my BFF in Canada on Sunday... well that was the perfect segue for tonight's events.

My Best friend K is back in Canada and I hadn't chatted with her since she came to Peterborough to help me pack up the day after I found out I was sick again, last week. So we had a little catching up to do, I mean a lot can happen in a week. We talked about my crush, which is honestly a whole other story. Of course we talked about my favorite topic, Sex.

"I swear K, its the weirdest thing, the last thing I should be thinking about or wanting for that matter is sex, but its ALL I can think about. It's clearly a case of wanting something just because I can't have it, or wanting someone."

It's true though, has it just not hit me yet because it really doesn't make sense, especially since I have bigger things I should be worrying about. Maybe I should just reread 50 shades... Hmmm that might make it worse. Will they just cast that damn movie already?

So while sitting on the couch with my mum tonight, I was catching up on True Blood (which doesn't help this "appetite" I have at the moment) and Dexter (Spoiler alert: OMG *MAGGIE* SO GOOD), she was researching my radiation treatments. Something interesting came up, (I'll include the pic for those that don't believe me).
Be prepared: This is Courtney at my sassiest and most unfiltered yet....

"Radiation can cause the normal tissue of the vagina to become irritated and sore. As it heals, scar tissue can form in the vagina. The scar tissue can make the vagina shorter or more narrow (this is called vaginal stenosis). When this happens, sex (vaginal intercourse) can become painful. Stretching the walls of the vagina a few times a week can help prevent this problem.

One way to do this is to have vaginal intercourse at least 3-4 times a week. Since this may be hard to do while getting cancer treatment, another option is to use a vaginal dilator. A dilator is a plastic or rubber tube used to stretch out the vagina. It feels like putting in a large tampon for a few minutes. Even if a woman is not interested in staying sexually active, keeping her vagina normal in size allows comfortable gynecological exams. This is an important part of follow-up after treatment. Vaginal estrogens may also be used to relieve dryness and prevent painful intercourse and help maintain the size of the vagina. Still, vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse can be long-term side effects from radiation."

-Cancer.Org

Ok so initial thoughts on the wording....
*So glad they clarify what sex is.
*A vaginal dilator and in non medical terms a vibrator. This just might be the best cancer treatment I've had yet. But really, a vaginal dilator.
*While reading the part about the large tampon, does anyone else have that scene from mean girls flashing in their heads?
*Ummm me not wanting to stay sexually active, I think a better use of my energy would maybe be me thinking about something other than being sexually active.
*Does anyone else realize that this is like a man's dream come true... Prescribed sex and a smaller, tighter pooter.
*It says this is also necessary to make ob/gyn exams more comfortable, um no, they are not comfortable, there is a man (or lady) in your lady bits and they didn't even buy you dinner first. Oh and they're kinky because they insert metal objects, I'm all for kinky but not on the first go.
*Vaginal estrogens to prevent dryness... this is why Cosmo's number one sex tip has always been lube! Oh and quite obviously skilled and extended foreplay.

*Oh and most importantly= Its information and advice like this, that sucks for someone who is actually very happy being single. I'm extremely content being single because I'm so career driven, but this kinda makes me think other wise. DAMN you unfeminist thoughts... "SWIM AWAY".

So lets take this back a notch, how do I feel about all of this? When I first heard what type of cancer I was diagnosed with, I was gutted. The irony of a girl who dreamed of becoming a sex therapist (damn you masters and PhD tuition fees), having her lady bits out of commission. (However lets be honest, the cancer hasn't exactly been holding me back the last year, standards has been to blame ::not ashamed, just horny::). But seriously, I'm only 25, Samantha Jones was well into her 50's and I am being taken out of the game at half her age, this just seems like the most unfair thing possible.

I'm going to get romantic and sappy on you for a second, there really is nothing more exciting than finding someone you're truly connected too and passionate about and unifying that bond as one. Yes, it takes time as evidenced by my dry spell, but the wait is so worth it. SO upon hearing my diagnosis, I was floored. How am I going to connect with someone on that level again if its being taken away from me. Will they understand, will they be willing to work with me, because I'm not going to lie, I'm scared as hell to have sex again. What will it feel like for me? What will it feel like for him? What if it sucks for him (not my skills obviously ::Wink Wink::) but just the feel... what if I utterly fall for someone (which is rare which makes it even scarier) and they leave because our sex life isn't normal. I get it, "If he's the right one, it wont be an issue" but it could be. I'm not naive, as humans we have needs. Sex has single handedly shaped history as we know it. Think Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, Dr. Sue, Dr. Alfred Kinsey. Do you think Cosmo would be one of the top selling women's magazines if it weren't for the fact that it sexually empowers women to eliminate the taboo of it all. I mean, we can read about fashion in vogue, and celeb gossip on perez, but we don't turn to any other magazine for sex advice. Think about it.

So, rounding this out, I'm a girl with intimacy issues. I've been hurt, so opening up is hard for me. Falling for someone is even harder, and now I have to worry that I may fall for someone and it may not work out because of SEX! Which used to be one of my favorite things about being in a relationship, and probably what made me such a great girlfriend (Sorry not going to elaborate on that one).

I like to think I've had three great serious relationships. They didn't work out for their own reasons but I learned something from each one of them and am so grateful to them for these lessons. If I could compile the one trait from each of them, that made them so great, I would be in the best relationship possible. The bar has been set. (I'm getting to my point and how it relates:)

Relationship #1. He was my best friend. We loved spending time together, and we had so much fun doing it. If I had any kind of news, he was the first person I wanted to tell. If something good happened to him, I was never jealous, I was so happy for him. We never competed, we actually missed each other when we we're apart.We shared friends and had respect and it was legit everything that your best friend is to you. He supported me in whatever crazy idea I had and I him. He has no idea how much I cherished those years together, and I always said "He is the greatest person I know, just maybe not the greatest boyfriend at times." I know if I had have stayed with him, we would have had a life so full of fun because being with him was great, but that was it, we were best friends and needed to leave it at that.

Relationship #2. Sex. We had the most incredible sex life. I didn't know what sex was until I met him. I felt comfortable, it could be my fattest day and he made me feel so beautiful. It could go terribly wrong, sounds, bumping heads, whatever but we would laugh, and keep going. We once spent an entire night going through a pocket kama sutra trying out each and every position. Marking the ones we liked, and didnt. We had that trust with each other that we could be open to make sure the other was being satisfied. We couldn't exactly stand each other out side the bedroom but it opened my eyes to what sexual chemistry was supposed to be like.

Relationship #3. Security. He was a real man, a grown up man. He made me feel safe. He helped me when my car broke. He paid for my dinners and treated me like a lady. He took me on real dates, with lots of thought. If someone spoke badly or negatively he would get heated and defend me (sometimes to an extreme). He had a real job, and was ambitious as hell which made me want to better myself. We were just two very different people, going down very different roads and also at very different stages in our lives.

My point here... those three qualities are what I want in my future relationships and ideally someday my husband. All three of those qualities feed off of each other. What is going to happen to my sex life and how will that affect the rest of my life. I'm already at a disadvantage not being able to have kids, so this just can't hinder my future relationships anymore than it already has. Otherwise Sexy Dexy is going to be getting a lot more brothers and sisters, and I'm too much of a dog person to become a full blown cat lady.
(However Dex is really cute so I thought I'd include some pics :) hehe)

Whatever the outcome, I have faith it will work out. My mom and I are off to a sex toy shop (thank god she's super awesome like that), because I didn't bring my supply with me. (I wonder if that will be reimbursed by insurance hahah). The title "Accepting Applications" more of a joke, but isn't that the theme of life. Are we not always accepting applications until we meet our someone? This just means that the man I end up with, will be the best kind of man, because he WILL be willing to deal with all of this, and not because he HAS too, but because he WANTS too. My bar has just been set higher. Clearly I'm a closet romantic, but hey by combining that with the dream of becoming a sex therapist into the perfect career- hello event and wedding planning!

So until that time comes and I'm stuck with cats, I'll stick with rabbits for now.... you know, to follow doctors orders ;)

Pet Scans and Sex Bans

So today was interesting. My alarm went off at 7 am and my mum swooped in right on cue with "Honey did you want salmon or grilled chicken?" I was not allowed to eat after 730 and even then I was only allowed protein. Salmon it was, then I went back to sleep.

I was up at one pm and out the door by 1:30. We met my dad at South Jersey Radiology where the scan was being performed. I was ushered into a tiny room with a hospital recliner chair. Not to be confused with a lazy boy, these things are plastic and green. A lazy boy would have been a nice surprise. I was only allowed to bring one parent in with me, which to be honest made me a little upset. I had one Valium on board, and although it wasn't even touching me (I have a high tolerance), I was less than impressed. I brought my mom in just because she used to be a nurse. I wanted both parents.

I was told I had to drink this god awful stuff called barium. I had three choices but went with mocha-chino. Regardless they would have sucked.

"I don't even drink milk, how in the hell am I supposed to get this down, I wish I had have brought a beer bong."

It was AWFUL. I just kept telling myself with every sip:

"This is a shot a cute boy bought you, and he just has really bad taste in shots but you like him so don't be rude."

I had a nurse put in an I.V. and she was actually really good. I have difficult veins so I was impressed. My dad got to come in and wish me luck but no one was allowed to be around me because they were about to inject a radioactive dye, so we said our good byes and I got to recline in the wannabe lazy boy.

I had two magazines, a book, my ipod and journal. I thought it would be funny to listen to the song "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons while they injected it, so I did. I laughed to myself. The nurse left the room because I had to sit alone for an hour while everything spread through my body. This just sounds SO healthy for me -_-

So I read Cosmo...

Usually my favorite thing to do EVER, now reading about sex and relationships makes me sad. I mean first off, its been a while... (Ok a long while) since I've had someone to engage in this form of exercise with. (What can I say, I'm picky.) I've always said it takes a lot of work to get there with me, but once you do, it's well worth the wait. But, now I worry. I mean I have a form of cancer that I'm not even sure what it is yet, in the most intimate of places. How will this affect me and my romantic future?

Lets go back... I used to have an irrational fear of dating (maybe still do) because I am a traditional romantic at heart. I was once broken up with by someone I considered to be the love of my life because and I quote

"I love you, but I don't know if I can ever be in love with you because I want kids and that is just something you cannot give me."

(Yes the chance of my having kids is almost zero with the amount of treatment I've had in the past.) So now, how do I start over with this added affliction? It's not like I don't want kids, I do, but I became ok with the fact that there are only so many things I am capable of a long time ago. Also, how many kids need fantastic homes? A lot, and I know how much I love my cat... so trust me I can give that love to a child. (Yes I did just compare loving a cat to a child, but bare with me- I'm trying to get my point across.) Its stupid, because a relationship should be based on the connection with the other person, not what they can potentially give you. How many times do you see people who married just because they wanted kids so badly and needed the other person's plumbing, but then they resent each other and end up being not so great parents because they don't really love the other person. But I developed this fear early on: that I couldn't give a man what he is biologically driven to want, so I'll be a write off right away. It really brings the quote from the movie, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" into focus because I feel that it describes how I feel and maybe have been feeling. It clearly describes why I have these impenetrable walls up:

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

So relationships are based on a multitude of things but lets be honest, one of the main components: sex.
So back to sex: How do I know that someone is someone I can trust and will be patient with me. It's not like I'll just be able to jump back in the saddle. I'm actually going to have to date the old fashioned way. Make them fall in love with me (and obviously vice versa) before we get intimate because that is going to be like losing my virginity all over again. (Yes I know this is how it should be anyway). How am I supposed to know that it will go ok. What if it doesn't, there is going to have to be a huge level of trust and understanding there. If the dating world wasn't already difficult enough, it just got a lot more complicated.

"Uh Hi, yea so my pooter hasn't exactly been behaving in the last year, sooo we may want to skip anything to do with that, and if we don't well I can't guarantee that it will be peachy keen, sooo hope you're now really turned on and excited!"

So how does this all tie together. I was waiting for my scan, reading cosmo, and the article about sex came up. Normally I would dive right in, but I just couldn't. My Valium clouded mind started racing, I've now had two at this point. Over my past loves, my present crushes and my future hopes for what could and may not be. Having cancer doesn't define me, but it is a huge part of who I am. It will take a lot for someone to realize that there is me, and then there is what has shaped me, and although I want nothing more than to feel normal, I am not a normal situation. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a huge metal machine, radioactive fluids pulsing through your veins while you're unable to move for a half an hour. All you have at that point is your mind and it can be your worst enemy.

I've always been one to do things for me and focus on me. But what is a life if you don't have someone to share your goals and accomplishments, successes and failures with? Where did our world go wrong in losing sight of the beauty of a partnership, friendship, and loving relationship. Why is being the power couple more important than being a couple who is so powerfully in love? How will this all affect me? Its been easy for me to not focus on it because I am career driven, but is career driven an excuse for scared?

I don't have the answers and when I got out of the scan, I had never felt more relieved. I came home and attempted going for a run. (Something I highly DO NOT recommend after barium and radioactive injections.) I took a shower, watched true blood and took a break from my thoughts. They were passing, fleeting, but they are there. Right now my fight is for me, and once I win, then I can worry about the superficiality of society and its effects on relationships and love. Until then, I have Cosmo, Vampire Eric and Vamp/Fairy Warlowe and Fifty Shades of Grey. :)