I Can Feel It In My Bones

So Tuesday was a sucky day for me. I got some much needed sleep and then my mum and I got up super early to go and get my bone scan. I was freaking out, internally. I know of someone who is battling extremely rare cancer, undeservedly, and her spine broke from a tumor. This scares the crap out of me. My back is in excruciating pain, legit feels like a body builder has plopped his tush on there 24/7. So I was relieved to be getting the scan, nervous about the results.

We had to drive to Cooper Hospital in Camden. It's always an experience driving to Camden, I mean it has been rated the murder capitol of the USA how many times? Its weird though because the hospital is absolutely beautiful. We walked in and got our passes and headed to the unit. Before I can do the scan, I have to get injected with radioactive dye. It takes about two hours to absorb into my bones before we can do the scan.

We went to unit, met the nurse who was an absolute muffin. She was so nice. She shot me up with the dye and we were on our way. I had to drink as many fluids as I could to get it to move through my body so my mum and I headed to the cafe. I got the most amazing discovery in life, frozen hot chocolate. I legit have no words because heaven descended upon my lips the second I tasted it. I also got a gingerale and grapefruit juice.

As we were standing in the line of docs and nurses, a doc walked to the end of the line and I had to do a double take. He was stunningly gorgeous. He was tall with dark hair and these deep grey eyes. He was muscular but not like a bodybuilder but he wasn't so lean that he was too skinny. His navy blue scrubs hung just right and his jaw was just hot! I tried not to stare especially since I had rolled out of bed and thrown on lulu cropped leggings and my matchbox tee. As we were walking out, and I was continuing to try and not stare I realized OMG I recognized him. I assumed it was from one of my treatments but as we were out of the cafe it hit me.

"WE MET ON MATCH LAST YEAR AND HAD A DATE THAT I BAILED ON!"

Holy crap, he was way hotter in person. I bailed, because I knew I was moving back to Canada in a month and it wasn't worth it. I'm just going to bask in the moment because hot doc was even interested in me. I could have had my own McDreamy or McSteamy... ::Sighh::

So we went to the lobby were I proceeded to chug my drinks. We had two hours to kill. I blogged for a bit, this new wifi in hospitals thing is life changing! After I pounded my drinks faster than an underage frat boy, I laid on moms lap. I looked up at the art work on the walls and it was intriguing. There was a man and a woman. Clearly they had donated a crap load of money, but you would think with all that money, they could have paid for some upgrades in their portraits.

The man looked angry, manipulative and like he thrived on power. The woman looked sweet and tired, from dealing with this man. His background was harsh and black, and elicited a superior tone. Her's looked like a hallway. This erked the gender studies major in me.

Eventually I got bored of the artwork and fell asleep on mums lap. She woke me up and it was time for the scan. We headed back down and were ushered in. I don't know if it was the radioactive material, but I was so exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open.

The machine was big and white and loud and circular. My mum got to stay in the room with me which was nice, hence all the lovely pics. I laid down and the scan started. I couldn't see much because I was encapsulated in the machine but I was too tired to care. Plus I wasn't allowed to move.

I woke up about half way through and heard a voice. Dr. W had received my PET scan and could better diagnose me. He came to deliver the results to my mum. They were right on par with Dr. D. and this made me feel a lot better. To be honest, I think there was more that was said but I blanked.

I finished the scan and was allowed to go home. My mum got the car,(Hospitals have valet now, LOVE IT) and we went home. I went right to bed and was out cold. For the rest of the day.

Here's the good news. Bone Scan came back clean! I'll take my small victories where I can get them! :)

I was excited for the next few days. I was going to get to reunite with my mum's ex's daughters. They were like little sisters to me... except all grown up. I also had friends at the Havelock Jamboree, which was fun because they were sending me pics and vids. I've never been and totally would love to have gone, so it was nice to feel included. I had a few days left until my surgery, to just relax and I was damn well going to do just that.

Accepting Applications (PG-13 or R Posting)

I talked about Chatting with my BFF in Canada on Sunday... well that was the perfect segue for tonight's events.

My Best friend K is back in Canada and I hadn't chatted with her since she came to Peterborough to help me pack up the day after I found out I was sick again, last week. So we had a little catching up to do, I mean a lot can happen in a week. We talked about my crush, which is honestly a whole other story. Of course we talked about my favorite topic, Sex.

"I swear K, its the weirdest thing, the last thing I should be thinking about or wanting for that matter is sex, but its ALL I can think about. It's clearly a case of wanting something just because I can't have it, or wanting someone."

It's true though, has it just not hit me yet because it really doesn't make sense, especially since I have bigger things I should be worrying about. Maybe I should just reread 50 shades... Hmmm that might make it worse. Will they just cast that damn movie already?

So while sitting on the couch with my mum tonight, I was catching up on True Blood (which doesn't help this "appetite" I have at the moment) and Dexter (Spoiler alert: OMG *MAGGIE* SO GOOD), she was researching my radiation treatments. Something interesting came up, (I'll include the pic for those that don't believe me).
Be prepared: This is Courtney at my sassiest and most unfiltered yet....

"Radiation can cause the normal tissue of the vagina to become irritated and sore. As it heals, scar tissue can form in the vagina. The scar tissue can make the vagina shorter or more narrow (this is called vaginal stenosis). When this happens, sex (vaginal intercourse) can become painful. Stretching the walls of the vagina a few times a week can help prevent this problem.

One way to do this is to have vaginal intercourse at least 3-4 times a week. Since this may be hard to do while getting cancer treatment, another option is to use a vaginal dilator. A dilator is a plastic or rubber tube used to stretch out the vagina. It feels like putting in a large tampon for a few minutes. Even if a woman is not interested in staying sexually active, keeping her vagina normal in size allows comfortable gynecological exams. This is an important part of follow-up after treatment. Vaginal estrogens may also be used to relieve dryness and prevent painful intercourse and help maintain the size of the vagina. Still, vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse can be long-term side effects from radiation."

-Cancer.Org

Ok so initial thoughts on the wording....
*So glad they clarify what sex is.
*A vaginal dilator and in non medical terms a vibrator. This just might be the best cancer treatment I've had yet. But really, a vaginal dilator.
*While reading the part about the large tampon, does anyone else have that scene from mean girls flashing in their heads?
*Ummm me not wanting to stay sexually active, I think a better use of my energy would maybe be me thinking about something other than being sexually active.
*Does anyone else realize that this is like a man's dream come true... Prescribed sex and a smaller, tighter pooter.
*It says this is also necessary to make ob/gyn exams more comfortable, um no, they are not comfortable, there is a man (or lady) in your lady bits and they didn't even buy you dinner first. Oh and they're kinky because they insert metal objects, I'm all for kinky but not on the first go.
*Vaginal estrogens to prevent dryness... this is why Cosmo's number one sex tip has always been lube! Oh and quite obviously skilled and extended foreplay.

*Oh and most importantly= Its information and advice like this, that sucks for someone who is actually very happy being single. I'm extremely content being single because I'm so career driven, but this kinda makes me think other wise. DAMN you unfeminist thoughts... "SWIM AWAY".

So lets take this back a notch, how do I feel about all of this? When I first heard what type of cancer I was diagnosed with, I was gutted. The irony of a girl who dreamed of becoming a sex therapist (damn you masters and PhD tuition fees), having her lady bits out of commission. (However lets be honest, the cancer hasn't exactly been holding me back the last year, standards has been to blame ::not ashamed, just horny::). But seriously, I'm only 25, Samantha Jones was well into her 50's and I am being taken out of the game at half her age, this just seems like the most unfair thing possible.

I'm going to get romantic and sappy on you for a second, there really is nothing more exciting than finding someone you're truly connected too and passionate about and unifying that bond as one. Yes, it takes time as evidenced by my dry spell, but the wait is so worth it. SO upon hearing my diagnosis, I was floored. How am I going to connect with someone on that level again if its being taken away from me. Will they understand, will they be willing to work with me, because I'm not going to lie, I'm scared as hell to have sex again. What will it feel like for me? What will it feel like for him? What if it sucks for him (not my skills obviously ::Wink Wink::) but just the feel... what if I utterly fall for someone (which is rare which makes it even scarier) and they leave because our sex life isn't normal. I get it, "If he's the right one, it wont be an issue" but it could be. I'm not naive, as humans we have needs. Sex has single handedly shaped history as we know it. Think Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, Dr. Sue, Dr. Alfred Kinsey. Do you think Cosmo would be one of the top selling women's magazines if it weren't for the fact that it sexually empowers women to eliminate the taboo of it all. I mean, we can read about fashion in vogue, and celeb gossip on perez, but we don't turn to any other magazine for sex advice. Think about it.

So, rounding this out, I'm a girl with intimacy issues. I've been hurt, so opening up is hard for me. Falling for someone is even harder, and now I have to worry that I may fall for someone and it may not work out because of SEX! Which used to be one of my favorite things about being in a relationship, and probably what made me such a great girlfriend (Sorry not going to elaborate on that one).

I like to think I've had three great serious relationships. They didn't work out for their own reasons but I learned something from each one of them and am so grateful to them for these lessons. If I could compile the one trait from each of them, that made them so great, I would be in the best relationship possible. The bar has been set. (I'm getting to my point and how it relates:)

Relationship #1. He was my best friend. We loved spending time together, and we had so much fun doing it. If I had any kind of news, he was the first person I wanted to tell. If something good happened to him, I was never jealous, I was so happy for him. We never competed, we actually missed each other when we we're apart.We shared friends and had respect and it was legit everything that your best friend is to you. He supported me in whatever crazy idea I had and I him. He has no idea how much I cherished those years together, and I always said "He is the greatest person I know, just maybe not the greatest boyfriend at times." I know if I had have stayed with him, we would have had a life so full of fun because being with him was great, but that was it, we were best friends and needed to leave it at that.

Relationship #2. Sex. We had the most incredible sex life. I didn't know what sex was until I met him. I felt comfortable, it could be my fattest day and he made me feel so beautiful. It could go terribly wrong, sounds, bumping heads, whatever but we would laugh, and keep going. We once spent an entire night going through a pocket kama sutra trying out each and every position. Marking the ones we liked, and didnt. We had that trust with each other that we could be open to make sure the other was being satisfied. We couldn't exactly stand each other out side the bedroom but it opened my eyes to what sexual chemistry was supposed to be like.

Relationship #3. Security. He was a real man, a grown up man. He made me feel safe. He helped me when my car broke. He paid for my dinners and treated me like a lady. He took me on real dates, with lots of thought. If someone spoke badly or negatively he would get heated and defend me (sometimes to an extreme). He had a real job, and was ambitious as hell which made me want to better myself. We were just two very different people, going down very different roads and also at very different stages in our lives.

My point here... those three qualities are what I want in my future relationships and ideally someday my husband. All three of those qualities feed off of each other. What is going to happen to my sex life and how will that affect the rest of my life. I'm already at a disadvantage not being able to have kids, so this just can't hinder my future relationships anymore than it already has. Otherwise Sexy Dexy is going to be getting a lot more brothers and sisters, and I'm too much of a dog person to become a full blown cat lady.
(However Dex is really cute so I thought I'd include some pics :) hehe)

Whatever the outcome, I have faith it will work out. My mom and I are off to a sex toy shop (thank god she's super awesome like that), because I didn't bring my supply with me. (I wonder if that will be reimbursed by insurance hahah). The title "Accepting Applications" more of a joke, but isn't that the theme of life. Are we not always accepting applications until we meet our someone? This just means that the man I end up with, will be the best kind of man, because he WILL be willing to deal with all of this, and not because he HAS too, but because he WANTS too. My bar has just been set higher. Clearly I'm a closet romantic, but hey by combining that with the dream of becoming a sex therapist into the perfect career- hello event and wedding planning!

So until that time comes and I'm stuck with cats, I'll stick with rabbits for now.... you know, to follow doctors orders ;)

The Goodbye Breakfast

This is a little harder to explain with out the back story so I'll be brief. When I was first diagnosed with Leukemia at 15, I was 6 months into a relationship with my first serious boyfriend. When I finished my second transplant and third bout of cancer, I broke up with said boy who I had every intention of marrying. We were best friends, we were family. We had the same group of friends and when I said goodbye everything changed.

He was only 18 when I was diagnosed the first time but showed extreme maturity and was with me through everything, even when it took me 10 hours away for treatment. (Obviously volumes could be written on this subject but we don't have the time and that's a whole other story.) When we broke up, we were crushed in our own ways, but we moved on in our own ways too. He found the love of his life (whom I adore) and I found a drive and passion for life I didn't know I had. I also found the freedom to make choices for the benefit of one person: me. We did not however remain friends and not for lack of trying. Who's to blame is not important, but I was excluded from the only world I knew and felt safe and comfortable in. I up and left for Costa Rica for a summer by myself and became a person worthy of the adjective: independent. He got the friends in the "divorce", whether or not they agree this is how it felt, but I was ok with that because I felt guilty for breaking up with him.

Fast Forward to now. I HATED going to Granny's diner for breakfast when we dated because they refused to serve me poutine before noon. Well, said ex arranged a breakfast with all of the friends to send me off properly, with poutine before noon. Don't get me wrong, some of the friends I stayed close with, some just didn't want to get involved in the situation, and some just did not understand. It wasn't that I never saw them, but there was a divide. Today was the first time since the break up we were once again a unified group. We were the LBC. (Not to be confused with Long Beach California.)

It was discussed that something as scary as cancer shouldn't be what makes people realize whats trivial and put their lives into perspective, but then again that's what it takes sometimes. I was just so overwhelmed with love because this group of friends was my family growing up, and they are my army again. The people who've come into my life have come for a reason. Sometimes good, and sometimes bad, but always to teach me something.

I've received numerous letters, texts, emails and phone calls but two stood out. 1. because they were from the people you least expect but 2. because I had impacted their lives and not even realized it.

::Excerpt number 1::

"You are one of the most inspiring people I have ever met. You are a beacon of light in a rainstorm and you give me and other people courage in themselves to find things in themselves to make them better people."

::Excerpt number 2::

"Hey man, I don't know what's going on. I know of your medical history.
I just wanted to reach out and tell you, having known you only a short time. You are on a VERY small list of most positive people I know. I have no bad things to say about you. You were an incredible breath of fresh air in a rather volatile job environment. Stay positive. It will make everyone better. It made things better for me."

In the beginning I wasn't ready to get my ticket for the positivity train. But when I realized how I had touched people, I also realized I wasn't ready to let them down yet either. So my good bye breakfast was my reminder that I'm not alone, and this isn't for nothing. This fight is the reminder for everyone that life is short, and that everyone in your life is there for a reason, whether you like them or not.

I got in the car with my dad, and my cat and we began to drive. Armed with blue berries (antioxidants) and Swedish Fish (Dad loved these) as well as a journal, for when I needed to release my thoughts, and was loaded with my army of friends' phone numbers in the back to remind me I'm not alone. We chatted, in our god awful assortment of accents and caught up even though we live in the same house.

I arrived at my moms, unpacked and now sit here waiting for tomorrow. I know what it brings, the answers to questions I wish I didn't have to ask. Has the cancer spread or is it localized. The needles, the blood work, the surgeries. I was hoping for the results for whether or not my leukemia is back too, but they were lost, and so those have to be redone as well. Basically, the first day of the rest of my life begins tomorrow because whether or not I have a long rest of my life depends on tomorrow. My mind is ready, my body is the healthiest its been (aside from the whole cancer thing) and I'm ready.

Its Go Time.