First Weekend Home *SURPRISE PARTY*

Coming home was nothing short of easy. It was actually a pain in my tush. So that first night crawling in my bed was.... heaven. We unloaded the car and I got to see Bella, our Weimeraner. Dexter settled right in, it was almost weird (but then again my cat's a genius). We got in on the Thursday night and little by little people started to figure out I was home. I was half keeping it a secret because I was still pretty sick and half because I wanted time to get settled in. Well because apparently my cat's smarter than me, I posted a facebook status:

Now this is the edited version, but brilliant little me forgot to turn off the location feature originally. So when it popped up as "Gananoque Ontario" people got suspicious. I got it down with in twenty minutes, but rumors spread faster than herpes in the red light district. Friday I slept my life away but my bossman contacted me about potentially working a shift on the Sunday. I. Was. Ecstatic! He played it perfect, something along the lines of someone bailed and he had to work last Sunday and he could do it if I couldn't but he was pretty desperate. Not that he even needed to try that hard, I was jumping up and down at the word shift. I didn't think much of it.

Saturday, after begging and pleading with my dad and his special Lady that I was a competent driver they finally caved to let me borrow one of the vehicles. My dad went with every lie in the book to avoid it though,

"Uhhh My hockey equipment wont fit in Claudette's car, so I have to take the truck."

Ummm I wasn't born yesterday and she doesn't drive a smart car so I think it will fit. Eventually Claudette let me borrow hers to go to a friend's party that to be honest, I was super looking forward too!

The party was a blast! I met some really, really fun people and saw people I haven't seen in years. Learned how to play a new drinking game... "Titties" I think (I didn't actually play but I'll bet I would have taken the cake.) I danced to Britney (I'm glad that most people missed that one hahaah) and even tried to dance with a person. (I should just not be allowed to dance.) I tried a venison dip...

"Ummm Court, you know there is deer meat in that right?"

After a few more hours of debating whether or not to try it because I felt bad eating Bambi, I caved because I was starving, and it was actually pretty good. It was fun, it was exactly what I needed and was a good reminder that even when things don't go perfect or as planned they still have a way of working out. (Shorts Strings? HAHAHAHA)

The next morning everyone was up, we had some left over turkey, watched sports center and then I got the messages about my shift. I was excited to work, but bummed about leaving the party. Apparently they went tobogganing... behind 4wheelers. (OMG- SO Jealous!) Little did I realize... this wouldn't even be a worry once I knew what I was missing it for.

*Thats the bossman representing HARD* ::Thumbs Up::

This should have been a dead give away but I was so excited to have a shift I didn't notice. I came home and got ready. I had a little bit of a hangover, and my weekend was just starting. I joked about calling in sick, but I've maybe done that twice in my life, so it would have never happened. I think I asked my dad and Claudette about a 100x if I looked ok. I wanted to look not only good for my first shift back, first time seeing everybody, but I wanted to look great and most of all... not sick or like I had been. I went all out, extensions and all!

Claudette had a work Christmas party and so I didn't think twice about she and my dad dressing up.

I should have thought twice about them giving me cab money to get home instead of letting me borrow a car. Another dead give away. After we dropped Claudette off, my dad began to drive me to work. Feeling the hangover I was like

"Ugh Now I kind of wish I didn't have to work. Wouldn't it just be nice if it was like a surprise party or something awesome like that."

I was completely kidding, because I honestly never thought it would happen. My dad had the perfect response

"HAH, yeah right kid, like that would happen."

I believed him. We pulled in across the street which I also should have thought was weird because my dad doesn't follow the rules at Spank's and parks in their private lot. According to him

"I'm V.I.P."

I just assumed it was because he was dropping me off. We got out of the car and I saw 1/3 of my bosses and one of the bouncers, E, walking in. I also saw nobody inside which I thought was odd, but I figured it was still early. I hugged them, and they seemed not as excited to see me as I originally hoped they would be. I later found out it was because they were late and thought they had ruined the surprise. Nope, I was oblivious.

They all let me walk in first and when I walked in the door it was a blur. It all happened so fast and so slow at the same time. So many things were just "off" and there was so much to process that my chemo brain was on overdrive. I was freaking out in the car that I wouldn't remember what Beer we had on tap, yet this was a whole other ball game of

"why isn't my brain working fast enough to figure this out."

I saw balloons. Lots of balloons (I just assumed the balloons were for the Christmas party I was told I was going to be working.) My manager K was just standing to the right of the bar, by himself. It was weird because he was just standing there, and just seemed like he was waiting for something. I went to hug him, and then saw people crouching behind the bar. Still not even processing what was going on, because my mind was jumping from balloons, to manager, to beer taps (I needed to know for my shift) then to behind the bar. When I finally focused in on the dozens of people behind the bar, they jumped and screamed

"SURPRISE, Welcome Home!"

All I remember while all of this was taking place was thinking,

"Something's not right, Something's not right. I'm so confused."

I started shaking and all I could manage to say was

"Ummmm I guess this means I'm not working????"

"Wait, is this for me?"

As if the chalkboard that said "Welcome Home Courtney" wasn't a clue. People began to swarm me with hugs and my thoughts changed to

"Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry!"

I actually went into shock.

"OMG is this actually happening? OMG Happy tears are coming!"

I didn't even register that my bestie and personal trainer A was sitting at a table! Someone I once worked with told me

"Courtney's like an ambulance, you hear her coming before you ever see her!"

hahah E, could not have been more accurate with a description of me! I think I tackled A. It was funny too because she had been messaging me while I was in the car asking about what I was up too. You sneaky bugger!

There was Cake and flowers and I tried eggnog for the first time. O outdid herself there.

SO many people came that I was so excited to see. It was like surprise after surprise after surprise. I had a couple drinks, and was just loving catching up with everyone.

So both my parents are really awesome and they know everything that goes on in my life. It's why I let my dad read my blogs and probably don't have a filter. Like I can talk about anything with my parentals and I love that.

Anyway, the party from the night before was at a guys house whom I've been talking too for a while, we've known each other for YEARS, but hadn't seen each other in years up until this past summer. So he had been texting me this night asking about work and if I was there yet, if it served food, etc. Basically questions that seemed completely unaware that something was up other than me going to work. I was at the back of the bar talking to some people when I turned around and saw three hotties walk in. I think my heart fell out of my chest. I turned around, jaw dropped and cupped my face. I couldn't believe my eyes because a whole new set of shock waves engulfed my body. Was I hallucinating because he doesn't exactly live in town, and this just seemed too good to be true, not plausible and did I mention I was concerned I was hallucinating? I ran and hugged him and actually think there may have been jumping up and down, more hands over mouth in shock and then a

"WHAT! (Super loud pitched)..What are you doooing here? (Girly, shocked whiny cutesy sounding)"

I didn't give him a chance to finish before the whole

"Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry"

mantra came flooding back into my mind. It was just too much excitement to handle, the surprises were legit going to put me over the edge. I was still cupping my face when I couldn't contain the excitement and shock any longer and was like

"Oh my gosh I'm sorry I need a second"

turned around, paced a few steps trying to process what was happening and then I think I hugged him and the other two guys again. It was then that I realized the other two, had also brought their special ladies and that was when I officially lost it! I basically had developed girl crushes on them the night before and was just in awe that they had come too! Hugs galore and my night had officially just hit EPIC status. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, that happened. I asked how he knew about my party, and he told me something along the lines of this... and Dad #ForTheWin!

"Well your dad actually found me on facebook and messaged me telling me about it. I first saw the message from JD pop up and my first reaction was '$#!% What did I do?' but then I read it and he told me about it."

My mind was blown, because this meant they had known all along at the party the previous night, and that morning, and not a soul had given it away! We did shots and we drank and if ever there was a moment to forget about all the $#!%%y stuff that had happened to me the previous months... tonight did just that and then some!

Unfortunately they had to work the next morning and couldn't stay but my night was full of more surprises. I continued to see people I hadn't seen in what felt like forever and felt so incredibly blessed. I didn't even mind how hungover I was the next two days because every second of the previous weekend had been worth it. My body knew I needed this... I can be as positive, and try to be as healthy as I want to be, but deep down, I'm still a 25 year old girl who has had years ripped away from her. I don't feel guilty for a little fun and my body felt better just long enough for me to enjoy this weekend. I can't thank the people involved enough, because honestly words will never describe how grateful I was for every second. For the people who weren't invited, my dad did the best he could and hey I didn't even know, so I couldn't have invited ya. For the best bosses ever who did give me a real shift a few days later... thank you thank you thank you! I know I'm one blessed little cookie and I don't forget it for a second.
*Managers and other sign I failed to notice upon arrival*

*1/3 of the bossmen- He even played me Britney, which in all my excitement took me one minute too long to realize!*

Thank you Claudette and Daddio- You guys rock!

The morning/ arrival home. Worth every second of the hangover... but the drinking has ceased, (at least until New Years and then will prob take a hiatus for a bit.)

So thank you to everyone! I made new friends, saw old ones and was reminded why this is my home! If my mom and sis had have been there this night would have just been over the moon. I don't think I would have been able to handle any more surprises though!
For those wondering- the first REAL shift back was a blast! Saw others I hadn't seen in too long and just... what a week home.
The only words I have are THANK YOU~
p.S. Also got my Scrapbook from the event held at Spankys. I can't wait to read it! <3 *First Shift Back* (Getting ready and then rocking out to Britney in the car on my way there!)

*Some more pics from the party*

Happy ReBirthday to Me, I'll be 5 Years Leukemia Free

This coming Monday is October 7th. When people would ask me when my birthday was, depending on the day I would answer one of two ways. Cinco De Mayo- May 5th or my Re-Birthday October 7th. It would just depend on the day because a lot of the time I didn't want to acknowledge my real birthday considering I relapsed twice on it, to the day. When it comes to birthdays there are the big milestone birthdays- 13-16-18-19(in Canada)-20-21(In the Us)-25-30-40. Well when it comes to your Re-Birthday, 5 is the big one. 5 years post transplant and you're considered "cured". This Monday is my 5th rebirthday and now I can't really be excited because I'm fighting a different kind of cancer.

I've been dreaming of this birthday since I was 16, since the very first time I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Dreaming of the day I could say

"I've finally hit 5 years I'm technically cured!"

I kept relapsing at 2 years so I never got the opportunity to celebrate it. Now, ten years later from my initial diagnosis of cancer and I'm four days away...FINALLY! I should be ecstatic, I should be thrilled, but I'm... crushed. Dreaming of this birthday I had pictured the sweet 16 I never got, or the 21st, I barely got. For my 21st birthday, I spent it with one of my best friends in a town I'd never been to before with people I was meeting for the first time. All because I was freshly single from a bad breakup and he got to keep all the friends back home. God Bless J, and her roommates who took me in and gave me an amazing 21st. I had an amazing time, I really did. Still, it was a lonely one. I got to spend it with J, but I missed my friends back home too. Wishing I had all the people I loved and cared about and that they were as excited about something as I was for something that meant a lot to me. I had J, my best friend since the 3rd grade, and honestly with out her, I can't imagine what I would have done. She was the only one who made me feel like she cared. The only one! Plus her roommates were Awesome!

Some people say Birthdays are not a big deal, whatever its another year... but I resent that. Its another year of life, that you are being blessed with to live. You shouldn't only celebrate your own, you should celebrate those of the people you care about, because they too are being blessed with another year to live. Oprah once said something along the lines of 'Celebrating your birthdays are important because if you don't, one day you'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where the time went.'

Expectation leads to disappointment. So I've really lowered my expectations as far as birthdays come and men too, but thats a whole other blog post. I find them to be the loneliest times of the year. This past birthday was my big 25, and honestly, although I had the best time, there was a constant reminder how certain friends, are really just surface friends. I spent it with my Dad and his girlfriend, work friends (because they were working) and just a few other close friends. One whom I had just met a few months earlier. One who was a friend from school, who is just the BEST! A lot of my new friends as far as the customers and regulars from work were there too, but they would have been at the bar regardless. My point, if you were to ask me to make a list of my closest friends, not a single one was there. Yes some of them had very good excuses. Some live far away. Some had other commitments. Some- I wasn't able to make theirs and it goes both ways. But it doesn't change the fact that it was... lonely. If you look at the pictures, or were there you're probably thinking

"Umm it seemed like you had a pretty good time to me?"

I did, don't get me wrong, but that's because I was tipsy, ok slightly inebriated, the people that were there, really stepped up for barely knowing me, and one of my best qualities is I can have fun anywhere. A situation is what you make of it, and although I was hurt, I wasn't going to let that ruin my night, so I made it awesome!

So dreaming of my 5th Rebirthday, because really its the biggest milestone I have yet, I have no expectations. I had such high hopes for this day. I wanted my mom AND dad there. I wanted friends who were from out of town to come, no excuses, (realistically though I understood if they were further than a few hours away). I wanted family (Well really just a few cousins and one cool aunt.) My Grandmother (for the record, I only have one- Funk Master T or Grandmas Tiny). My sister. I wanted all the people who had helped me pull through all the bull$#!% of the three bouts with leukemia. Heck if I could have invited some of the medical personnel from CHOP I would have. I wanted it to be a celebration, not just about me, but about life. About people who support each other, and love each other. My donor, Frank, who is a god given angel. I wanted a big cake, and not just a whatever cake but an actual carrot cake with really pretty decorations... i.e. Britney maybe lol. There was one birthday I was slightly hurt because all I wanted was a carrot cake but that detail had been overlooked, not important.

Maybe this is why I want to be an event planner so bad. So I can throw the parties for people and make sure they're wonderful in every aspect. I can't control the people who go or how they act, but I damn well can make sure everything else is perfect.

I don't want people to think that I've never had a good birthday, real or Rebirthday, because some have been AMAZING! I had one in Kingston I'll never forget. I had two dresses for it. One for dinner with the girls and the other for the bar. It was this white strapless dress and I had so much fun I couldn't even handle it. When I look back, that was one of the best. My Third Rebirthday was pretty great too!

There was another one, I think it was my 20th. It was at my cottage and I had made a beer pong table that was ridiculous. Everyone one of my Canadian friends that I loved and cared about was there. It was so much fun. My school friends, my cottage friends, my family friends- it was right after we had found out I relapsed the second time. It was my birthday/going away party. I felt so loved and it was the perfect time because I was devastated I was sick again. But for that night, I didn't feel sick. I didn't think about the terror that was upon me, or the fact that my summer wasn't going to happen, I felt loved and had so much fun with people I cared so much about!

These birthdays arn't about the presents they're about the presence. The presence of love and the people you care about and the reciprocation, them showing they care and love you too. That's why I HATE Christmas and love Thanksgiving. Think about it, its the same holiday, minus the presents and therefore the pressure. You're with your family, you eat Turkey and you watch football. Same concept, minus the greed.

So where does this leave me and my bday. I could look at this from the angle of a 8 year old child being whiney about not getting a birthday party. But thats not whats happening here, and if anyone thinks it is, they don't appreciate what I've been through and how big this is for me or anyone like me having gone through a similar situation.

I've had leukemia THREE times. I've lost my hair, I've ingested toxic chemicals to basically kill me to bring me back to life with the bone marrow of a stranger. I've missed out on A LOT. I think I'm allowed to get excited over the fact that I'm about to be 5 years leukemia free.

However, with that being said, its kind of hard. I'm stuck in New Jersey and most of my friends and family are in Canada. Also, even if I wanted to celebrate, I have the energy level of a rock. I don't know if I could eat carrot cake or would even enjoy it for that matter since food is my enemy. (Except Brio, for some reason their chopped salad and penne bolognese has been something my stomach can handle... weird.) How am I supposed to celebrate a milestone that is about being Cancer Free when I'm battling a different type of cancer. Now I've never totally understand the proper context for this word, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly what Irony is. Celebrating being cancer free for one type of cancer but having another.

So this makes me feel like this milestone is obsolete. Now, I'm just going to have to wait another 5 years to celebrate being pooter cancer free. I've missed out on enough in my life, I'm sure I can handle something else I've been excited about.
So my take away for this. Celebrate your birthdays, and those of the people you care about. You're celebrating life. It doesn't have to and shouldn't be about the presents but the Presence. For me, I'll be watching the voice on Monday night with my mom and sis, and I'm excited about that. Because although there will be no hoopla, I'm 5 years past what was literally a torturous part of my life. Moving away from that to move towards the life I'm ready to start living.

Overcompensating At Life Just To Miss Out On It.

This morning while on the phone with someone, something clicked, and no it wasn't the sound of me hanging up. I was up very early, it was 9am. Granted I had not been to bed the night before but I had a chance to lay back and have one of my "Courtney Panic Attacks". Those happen, when I can't control the amount of things racing through my mind.

The reason for the call, or who it was with isn't important but it got me thinking. Why does this suck?

This week I had a terrible time coming up withing something to blog about. I felt that my updates were monotonous and had an air of "been there done that." I have things I want to write about in the future but I'm not quite there yet either. My motivation is wearing, this week wore me down.

When I'm at my best, I'm the most motivated person I know. I will work two jobs, intern, take on extra responsibilities. I attribute it to never wanting to be bored, but when I sat back and analyzed it, I had a different perspective.

Maybe its me not, not wanting to be bored but that feeling of I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm afraid of missing out on something.

My first diagnosis and treatment put me a year behind where I should have been in high school, which is why I graduated in 07 instead of 06. This never bothered me because I thought it was such a privilege to get to stay at Lakefield another year. Plus I had some pretty awesome friends in both grades, so it didn't bother me all that much.

I only graduated from LCS because I had to work my tail off till the final hours. Legit, it came down to hours whether or not I would finish high school in time to get to college. Everyone assumed I had graduated at my graduation, but my diploma was actually a piece of paper reminding me I had two credits to finish. The school let me walk, because they knew I would eventually finish. They didn't want to let me miss out on yet another thing, especially something as important as graduating. I worked my tush off that summer and nailed those two credits, with in hours of the Queen's submission deadline.

I LOVED Queens. I never doubted for a second I made the right choice. My first year was awesome but I was kind of a social recluse. I did great at school, but I chose to get an apartment off campus as opposed to living in residence. I knew my body and immune system couldn't handle the late party nights and dorm-esq living conditions. I was ok with that though, I would come home every night to my puppy Roxy, and do school work. It was conducive to good grades but not so much a social life. It was quiet and perfect for what I needed. Just as I was getting my footing socially, a week before exams, I relapsed.

I didn't end up graduating because when I went back to Queens after treatment, I had a lot to make up for. I was volunteering with the Make a Wish foundation. Working as many hours as they would let me at the bar. I volunteered with disability services. One would clearly say I was overcompensating. I loved my job, I loved my friends, I loved my extra-curriculars. I also passionately loved my classes, I just didn't have the time to focus on the work for them, or should I say make the time. Anytime I had left over, was for recovery. My immune system was still rebuilding its self. I slept, a lot. I got sick all the time, and my health was just not cooperative. However I was cancer free, so I had no complaints.

If I let something slack, I would be letting someone else down, i.e. make a wish, but if I let my own studies slip, the only person I was letting down was my self. I was always putting others first, and I still don't regret that. My priorities were not balanced but I finally had some fun too. I accomplished a TON. It was also a good learning point, because I got to see how badly the chemo affected my brain. My memory was gone. Bartending was easy, I memorized where the bottles were, knew which colors made which shots and it was my favorite thing to do because I didn't have to think about it. As soon as I tried to put the effort into my school work, my brain rebelled against me. I would have to reread notes hundreds of times just to remember a simple concept because I couldn't remember anything. I would read a page in a book, go to flip the page, and realize I didn't remember a thing I had just read. Chemo brain made me feel like the biggest idiot alive. Class was great because I enjoyed the lectures and material but taking notes was difficult because my mind couldn't handle the task of listening, writing, and absorbing. I would get so stressed out, I would either just sit there and listen and do the best I could or avoid it all together because I knew how stressed out I would become by feeling like a failure... at note taking. I eventually realized that I needed to take a break from higher education which was why I left Queens. My brain could not handle not dedicating 100% to school. I'm not in the situation where all I had to do was focus on school, I had to work, so I knew I needed to step back from the situation.

I hate that I didn't finish my degree, but I know that if I really want it someday, I can always go back. I'm stoked about the prospect of event planning. I am OCD because I've learned how my brain works. I need structure and organization and the little details are what makes remembering the bigger picture easier for me. I'm constantly writing everything down, I have lists and note pads galore. All qualities that go into planning an event. The education for it is online, work at your own pace, perfect for me. I'm excited to get into this field and can't wait to just get started.

However

When I'm laying in bed for a week, tired, nauseous, sore, my motivations weans. Couple that with homesickness and all I want to do is escape. That is where I am right now. I'm in my "need an escape phase". My panic attacks are back and I get overwhelmed at the most miniscule of things. My best friend K keeps reminding me (among other people)

"You need to just focus on your health!"

But by focusing on my health, I feel like I'm losing my future yet again. A girl with big dreams to plan huge beautiful events, in different cities and to travel and motivate is being reduced to a girl who wants to hide in her bed. I have difficulty waking up and blogging. In fact, I have difficulty getting out of bed. Its my cocoon. When people ask me to do something, it feels like the BIGGEST task in the world. They say if you want to get something done, give it to the busiest person, well I get that, because I can't get anything done. I can feel myself slipping away and there's nothing I can do about it.

I find my self losing myself day by day. I'm the most self assured person I know, and know this is a phase but fear the outcome. Its so hard to recover from an experience like this, and I know this having gone through it three times already. Every time I start to get ahead and actually put some savings in the bank, they're gone, because I'm sick and have to use them up. Once I feel like I'm getting caught up on my student loans, suddenly I'm behind again. My poor car is dying a slow death, because I keep telling myself, deal with your loans, and your bills and soon enough you'll be able to invest in a new one. But that time just gets put off again and again because my health wont cooperate. I get started at an awesome job, working my way up, and boom I have to take a break. I get a sweet job interview, sorry can't go. Meet an amazing guy, WHOOPS can't see you anymore. When will I have my time, to be on a similar level with people my age. They've all graduated and some are getting married and having kids. I'm not even asking for that, I'm just asking for my chance to work towards my future at my life so I can start living my life. At this rate I'm going to be too selfish to adopt children, because I wont have lived my life, experienced my life enough to give them the lives they deserve selflessly.

I picked a career that I can completely dive into, because I know my work is going to be my life. I don't want to have to feel like I'm wasting anymore time to try and get somewhere that I'll enjoy, I want the journey to get there to be just as enjoyable.
I have friends that are literally keeping me alive. I have parents who thank god are taking care of me, because right now I can't take care of myself. I know how lucky I am.

Why does life keep teasing me? Lets me get so close to starting to achieve my dreams and goals and just as I'm about to taste them, pulls them right from under me like some joke.

I'm homesick. I miss my friends, my work, my fam. Mostly I miss my independence. I miss being in control of my life. No wonder I'm an OCD control freak, because I rarely have control in my life, that when I do, I cling to it like no other. Just ask the girls at work about the spoons. (I really do apologize girls, but my logic does make sense ;)

Regardless, I know I will get back to the road that will lead me to becoming the person I want to be. I clearly should never be trusted with the directions because I've taken more detours than a dyslexic cabbie.