Its Not Bad News, But Its Not Good News Either- Pet Scan & Results Take 2

I want to preface all of this with: I will not worry until I'm officially given a reason too! So please don't you worry either!

How this post originally started:
So the day I have been waiting for is almost here. Like legit days away. My final results, my time to start packing. My dad on his way down to get me and take me back to the great white north. I should be ecstatic, I should be over the moon, but I think the anxiety from it has thrown me into an anxiety induced flu.

There are so many factors, am I upset over leaving my mom and sis. Maybe leaving some new friendships that I forgot how much I missed? Maybe the idea of being away from my doctors scares me. Honestly for the first time in a really long time I'm having a hard time breaking down my feelings.

Its difficult in the sense that I want to go home and jump right back into my life. I want to work and see all the people I've missed and have some fun. However a BIG downside to me, is I don't like people seeing me when I'm sick. Also when I'm not feeling well, I try not to show it. Its this whole being perceived as the "Sick Girl" complex I have. Because I'm stubborn like this, I usually end up sicker or some way that sucks. Its basically my body telling me to slow down.

I also have this thing about letting people down. Its the worst feeling in the world. I don't want people to think I don't want to see them, or this or that. I have trouble vocalizing how I'm feeling and what I need. Sometimes its because people don't really understand or get it, and other times its because I'm straight up stubborn. This is the time I need to make ME the number one priority, but that is extremely difficult for me.
(Written before today obviously- and below was written after)

It was one of those nights where the minutes on the clock crawled by. I tried everything, watching tv, instagram, twitter, reading, snuggling Dex, but nothing worked. I knew I had to be up by 6:30am but my body would not shut down. It was time for reinforcements. HELLO XANAX! My sis and mum came in at one point and my sister took one look at me

"She's stoned!"

My mum in her worried voice

"Why are you stoned honey?"

It was actually the most adorable concerning voice ever.

"Because mum, this test tomorrow is really important and I'm really nervous!"

They left my room to let me try and sleep but my mum came back in, clearly having been in deep thought. Actually she may not have even left the room... XANAX illusions.

"Why didn't you tell me you were nervous? You have no reason to be! Wanna come sleep in my room?"

My mum tried to comfort me but my drugged out stupor was in full effect and I push people away when I'm nervous and xanax stoned. I also have this thing where I don't like to cuddle- I know I'm weird. I get quiet and I hide. Eventually I fell asleep.

She woke me up the next morning and I was starving. For the test I wasn't allowed any carbs, sugar, caffeine, or fruit for 72 hours prior to the test- so basically it was the diet from hell. I wanted a pizza and stat. I rolled over and created my cocktail. Panic attacks were inevitable and I just wasn't in the mood. I wanted the results. I wanted to hear,

"You're in the clear, go home, be normal."

I pooled all of my pills in my hand, and took a gulp to wash away the rippling waves of fear. I threw on lulu's, grabbed a camo scarf and my eagles hat, I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

I don't remember the car ride, I don't remember waiting.

I do remember getting my IV, I remember being injected with the radioactive dye, and drinking the god awful barium.

I remember being left alone so no one else would be exposed to the radiation and because I thought I was hilarious... again... listening to "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons on my Ipod.

I sat there for an hour, and only remember listening to that one song. Thinking about how much I wanted to go home. Not even really understanding why because I'm not unhappy here, at all. I have amazing friends here too. I love living with my mom and sister and Tux and the cats. My sister is the funniest in her weird way and my mom makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a warm blanket of love. But I have my friends back home too, I have my Dad and C and Bella and my grandmother. I have my jobs, which I LOVE. I have two lives. Two completely separate lives. They completely coincide with both my passports, both my cell phones, I am literally a secret agent living double lives. This, this is what I thought about as radioactive materials were pulsating through my body, all alone. Thinking about my separate lives was my escape.

I went into the scan. It was 35 minutes. My meds were wearing off, I was getting antsy. Was I ready for this? Ready for these results? At least with out them, I could live in the fantasy that they were going to be ok, but once they come, they're real and then I have to deal with them.

When it was finally over, I jumped at the chance to leave. Apparently I waited in the waiting room with my mom for the disk with the results. No memory. We went to get breakfast, once again, little memory except for the pure joy I felt at inhaling the carbs from the tuna melt and hot chocolate. I came home, I slept... Fast forward to that night...

I woke up in the middle of the night and sorry to be graphic but I had gotten a period. Well $#!%, something that wasn't supposed to happen just did. A symptom, something is wrong. Add this to the previous week of feeling completely ill and I still didn't put together that something was off. I skipped a lunch and a dinner with two friends I hadn't seen in ages, both I had been looking SO forward too, but I couldn't ignore that my body needed sleep. Once again, making excuses that the previous week had caught up with me, I was anxious, nothing was wrong. Thats what I kept telling myself, because I am always positive, in the worst way I guess.

Fast Forward to today: The results.

Phone rings, I answer.

"Hi Courtney, It's Dr. D. I received your results from your PET Scan. Your Lymph nodes are clear and everything looks good. However, there is some uptake in your cervix. This could be residual effects from the radiation. Instead of seeing you in three months however, I think it would be better to see you in a month to be safe."

::CRUSHED::

Good news and bad news all at once. I mean it wasn't bad but it wasn't great. It COULD be residual effects from the radiation but it lit up, it could be cancer. Cancer that isn't visible to the naked eye but showed up on the PET Scan. Back to square one, not knowing. On the bright side, my lymph nodes were clear. At least the f****** chemo worked.

I don't have time to wait this out, my insurance runs out in May. What I had (may still have) was an aggressive form of cancer. If it is still there who knows what will happen in a month.

So we go in tomorrow, we go to ask questions.

My mom went out and got me the new Britney cd because Britney fixes everything. However I'm not even in a Britney mood, because all week, I was thinking about how I was going to pack and surprise everyone back home and now I'm just yet again wondering what new journey my body is taking me on unwillingly.

Someone special to me tonight told me

"Energy Flows Where Attention Goes"

So... I'm giving myself tonight to be pissed off and upset. Because tomorrow Positive Energy is going to flow to where my Attention must go!

Will I be ok, yes. Am I pissed off yes. Did I want a conclusive answer, yes. I have a Skylar Grey Song on repeat.... because right now its a metaphor for what I'm feeling. (Actually her whole album is speaking to me right now). Come tomorrow- it's Britney Time.

-Back From The Dead

"I worked so hard to put the past to rest,
now its tumbling down on me, just like an avalanche...
So you can't just come back now, like a demon uninvited.
You can't just Expect me, to open my door to you because....

I never thought that you and I would ever meet again,
I mourn the loss of you sometimes and pray for peace with in.
The word "distraught" cannot describe how my heart has been,
but where do we begin now that you're back from the dead."

Pet Scans and Sex Bans

So today was interesting. My alarm went off at 7 am and my mum swooped in right on cue with "Honey did you want salmon or grilled chicken?" I was not allowed to eat after 730 and even then I was only allowed protein. Salmon it was, then I went back to sleep.

I was up at one pm and out the door by 1:30. We met my dad at South Jersey Radiology where the scan was being performed. I was ushered into a tiny room with a hospital recliner chair. Not to be confused with a lazy boy, these things are plastic and green. A lazy boy would have been a nice surprise. I was only allowed to bring one parent in with me, which to be honest made me a little upset. I had one Valium on board, and although it wasn't even touching me (I have a high tolerance), I was less than impressed. I brought my mom in just because she used to be a nurse. I wanted both parents.

I was told I had to drink this god awful stuff called barium. I had three choices but went with mocha-chino. Regardless they would have sucked.

"I don't even drink milk, how in the hell am I supposed to get this down, I wish I had have brought a beer bong."

It was AWFUL. I just kept telling myself with every sip:

"This is a shot a cute boy bought you, and he just has really bad taste in shots but you like him so don't be rude."

I had a nurse put in an I.V. and she was actually really good. I have difficult veins so I was impressed. My dad got to come in and wish me luck but no one was allowed to be around me because they were about to inject a radioactive dye, so we said our good byes and I got to recline in the wannabe lazy boy.

I had two magazines, a book, my ipod and journal. I thought it would be funny to listen to the song "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons while they injected it, so I did. I laughed to myself. The nurse left the room because I had to sit alone for an hour while everything spread through my body. This just sounds SO healthy for me -_-

So I read Cosmo...

Usually my favorite thing to do EVER, now reading about sex and relationships makes me sad. I mean first off, its been a while... (Ok a long while) since I've had someone to engage in this form of exercise with. (What can I say, I'm picky.) I've always said it takes a lot of work to get there with me, but once you do, it's well worth the wait. But, now I worry. I mean I have a form of cancer that I'm not even sure what it is yet, in the most intimate of places. How will this affect me and my romantic future?

Lets go back... I used to have an irrational fear of dating (maybe still do) because I am a traditional romantic at heart. I was once broken up with by someone I considered to be the love of my life because and I quote

"I love you, but I don't know if I can ever be in love with you because I want kids and that is just something you cannot give me."

(Yes the chance of my having kids is almost zero with the amount of treatment I've had in the past.) So now, how do I start over with this added affliction? It's not like I don't want kids, I do, but I became ok with the fact that there are only so many things I am capable of a long time ago. Also, how many kids need fantastic homes? A lot, and I know how much I love my cat... so trust me I can give that love to a child. (Yes I did just compare loving a cat to a child, but bare with me- I'm trying to get my point across.) Its stupid, because a relationship should be based on the connection with the other person, not what they can potentially give you. How many times do you see people who married just because they wanted kids so badly and needed the other person's plumbing, but then they resent each other and end up being not so great parents because they don't really love the other person. But I developed this fear early on: that I couldn't give a man what he is biologically driven to want, so I'll be a write off right away. It really brings the quote from the movie, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" into focus because I feel that it describes how I feel and maybe have been feeling. It clearly describes why I have these impenetrable walls up:

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

So relationships are based on a multitude of things but lets be honest, one of the main components: sex.
So back to sex: How do I know that someone is someone I can trust and will be patient with me. It's not like I'll just be able to jump back in the saddle. I'm actually going to have to date the old fashioned way. Make them fall in love with me (and obviously vice versa) before we get intimate because that is going to be like losing my virginity all over again. (Yes I know this is how it should be anyway). How am I supposed to know that it will go ok. What if it doesn't, there is going to have to be a huge level of trust and understanding there. If the dating world wasn't already difficult enough, it just got a lot more complicated.

"Uh Hi, yea so my pooter hasn't exactly been behaving in the last year, sooo we may want to skip anything to do with that, and if we don't well I can't guarantee that it will be peachy keen, sooo hope you're now really turned on and excited!"

So how does this all tie together. I was waiting for my scan, reading cosmo, and the article about sex came up. Normally I would dive right in, but I just couldn't. My Valium clouded mind started racing, I've now had two at this point. Over my past loves, my present crushes and my future hopes for what could and may not be. Having cancer doesn't define me, but it is a huge part of who I am. It will take a lot for someone to realize that there is me, and then there is what has shaped me, and although I want nothing more than to feel normal, I am not a normal situation. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a huge metal machine, radioactive fluids pulsing through your veins while you're unable to move for a half an hour. All you have at that point is your mind and it can be your worst enemy.

I've always been one to do things for me and focus on me. But what is a life if you don't have someone to share your goals and accomplishments, successes and failures with? Where did our world go wrong in losing sight of the beauty of a partnership, friendship, and loving relationship. Why is being the power couple more important than being a couple who is so powerfully in love? How will this all affect me? Its been easy for me to not focus on it because I am career driven, but is career driven an excuse for scared?

I don't have the answers and when I got out of the scan, I had never felt more relieved. I came home and attempted going for a run. (Something I highly DO NOT recommend after barium and radioactive injections.) I took a shower, watched true blood and took a break from my thoughts. They were passing, fleeting, but they are there. Right now my fight is for me, and once I win, then I can worry about the superficiality of society and its effects on relationships and love. Until then, I have Cosmo, Vampire Eric and Vamp/Fairy Warlowe and Fifty Shades of Grey. :)