Flashback: January 3, 2004: How it all began.

Flashback January 3, 2004.

My parents met when they were in the seventh grade in a small town 2 hours east of Toronto. They were married, had my sister and I, and we got to live all over because my dad was a professional hockey player in the NHL. When they got divorced, we were living in New Jersey. My dad chose to return to the small Canadian town and my mum stayed in New Jersey. Initially I stayed with my mum for a few years in New Jersey, but I hated everything about it, because I felt like it hated me. I just did not fit in, and so I moved in with my dad in Canada when I was 15. I like to joke that I was raised by guys, a hockey team of sorts and its why I speak dude fluently. It was hard leaving my mum and my sister, but it worked out well for us. So January of 2004, I had been officially living with my dad since the summer, Christmas had just passed and my sister was staying with my dad and I for the holidays. My mum just so happened to be in town as well visiting her mother, my grandmother. As far as all that was concerned, the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

My dad had gotten a brand new LCD TV for the holidays and we were so excited to watch "Finding Nemo" that night. My dad was broadasting for TSN and had to be on the air the next morning, so I made sure to keep quiet so he would look good on the air, not tired. My dad had the biggest couch of all time. It was fabulous. Natalie and I snuggled up to watch Nemo. We grabbed some popcorn and started the movie. About half way through the movie, I tasted blood in my mouth. I assumed a kernel had cut my gum. I played it off as nothing had happened. My Dad was in bed by this point so my boyfriend T snuck over (we started dating a few weeks after I had moved to Canada in June- his sneaking over is not as scandalous as it sounds). When the movie was over, the bleeding had increased in my mouth but I thought nothing of it or at least tried to think nothing of it.

It was late so Natalie went to bed. I told T to sleep in our guest room, because something seemed off about the blood in my mouth but I didn't want to alarm him. That's one of my downfalls, I ignore all the warning signs because I want to assume the best, I don't ever want to burden anyone with something that could potentially be nothing. He went to sleep in the guest room, and I grabbed a large plastic cup. The blood was accumulating a lot quicker and I had to spit it out in the cup to avoid swallowing it. I remember feeling light headed and woozy but still thought it was nothing serious, because I didn't want anything to be seriously wrong. I didn't want to wake my dad up to have him take me to the E.R. for it to be just a cut on my gum from popcorn, and potentially ruin his broadcasting career. So I just kept my cup, spitting in my cup.

My room was baby blue. I had baby blue walls and sheets and a comforter with white trim. I had a white dresser with baby blue drawers and baby blue closet doors with a full size mirror. The headboard of my bed was a white picket fence my mum had picked out of a trash and refurbished for my room. I had pictures from my cheerleading days in NJ, and posters of kittens. I wore a baby blue tee that night and crawled into bed with my cup. I started coughing because I was beginning to swallow the blood that was accumulating in my stomach, there was just so much of it. I grabbed tissues to try and wipe the blood away from my face but knew I looked like a character from a low budget vampire movie. I was glad I asked T to stay in the other room, because I didn't want him to see me this way. I eventually passed out, probably from being so lightheaded.

When I woke up the next morning I instantly knew that it was worse and this was an extremely dangerous situation. I had a raging headache. Everything was blurry. My sheets were no longer blue, my walls were no longer blue. There were puddles of blood everywhere. There was a spray pattern along my sheets no doubt from coughing blood in my sleep. Everything was covered in blood. I vomited copious amounts of blood up, from everything I had swallowed in my sleep. It was early in the morning because my dad was up getting ready. At this point, I knew something was seriously amiss and I could no longer hide it, nor should I. I yelled for my sister and she came rushing in.

"Nat, please go get dad."

To which any unruly concerned little sister would reply

"WHY? Court what's wrong? Tell me?"

I choked back a yell and simply said again

"Seriously Natalie, GO GET DAD. PLEASE!"

My dad rushed in wearing a brown suit and as he walked in my doorway stopped cold in his tracks. With absolute fear in his voice stammered,

"What the hell happened?"

The first words out of my mouth were

"I'm so sorry. I don't know whats wrong with me, it started last night but I didn't want you to be tired today so I didn't say anything and I'm sorry because I think something is seriously wrong."

Tears started to flow as it became a reality that this wasn't me being stoic, but something dire and I was urgently ill. My Dad jumped into action,

"Call T and have him come pick up your sister, that way we can head to the hospital right now, I'll call your mother and have her meet us on the way."

Little did he realize that T was two bedrooms over, but I left that part out. Last thing I needed was to feel like hell AND get busted for unauthorized sleepovers in the same day. However, if I was ever going to get out of it with the sympathy vote, that day was the day. My Dad went to change and call my mum and I woke up T and explained what happened. We left immediately for the hospital. I didn't pack a bag, or bring anything. I knew I was sick but had no idea with what, and no idea how severe it was.

It was a 45 minute car ride to the hospital because we lived on the outskirts of town. It was long and quiet. I looked at my dad and said

"I don't think this is just an iron deficiency anymore."

We met my mom at the hospital and she took one look at me, and knew. It was the first time I had seen her since she arrived in town. I was pale as anything and covered head to toe in bruises. If you didn't know I was sick you would have thought someone beat me silly. There was no waiting in the E.R., they took me right back and began blood work. The doctor said he knew exactly what to test for because he was pretty sure he knew. While we waited for the tests I was starving. T went to get me Harvey's because all I wanted was a cheeseburger. When he finally got it to me, I was too weak to even lift it to my mouth. There was so much blood pooling in my stomach that I couldn't stop vomiting. They had i.v.'s running fluids but it wasn't helping. I tried to take a bite and savored it while it was in my mouth but simply could not swallow. The simplest task of taking a bite of one of my favorite foods on earth was impossible. T patiently tried to continue feeding me, but it would simply not work. The doctors came back in, and we knew they had nothing but bad news.

"We need to get her to Toronto immediately. She is DIC (disseminated intravascular coagulation) and needs blood transfusions. We can't be sure which type, or how severe but we believe she has leukemia and with out further testing and treatment she may only have a week or two. So we need to act immediately."

They arranged to have an ambulance take me to Sick Kids in Toronto, and my father rode with me. I was in and out of consciousness the whole ride. I had one of those turquoise kidney shaped puke buckets and it was full to the brink of bloody tissues. I kept spitting the blood into the tissues. I knew I was sick. I knew it was serious, but I had no idea I had cancer. If anything, I was excited at first.

My parents lived in different countries, I was the baby of the group of my friends. I was the new girl at my school, and I had an older boyfriend. I craved attention and needed any sort of validation to feel secure in my new roles in the new life I had created for myself. I thought to myself,

"I'm going to head to the hospital for a few weeks, get a lot of attention and be back and at it in a couple of weeks."

I had no idea what was ahead of me. No idea what so ever. Here I am, nine and a half years later... still wondering when I'm going to wake up from this dream. Still trying to come to terms with how this happened. Still... fighting.

The signs were all there. When I got to LCS (My high school) I was in the best shape of my life. I played on their basketball team and hockey team. I trained as hard as I could everyday and ate really healthy. In December I said to my hockey coach

"I'm so sorry, I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm training just as hard, if not twice as hard as the other girls but I am always exhausted and feel like I can't keep up."

I was taking advil like it was pez from a dispenser because I constantly had headaches. I was covered in bruises to the point, I had an adult ask me about my relationship with T. T didn't go to my highschool, because he was a cottage boy from Toronto. He was an angel and they couldn't have been more off base asking me, but based on how I looked you never knew. I attributed the bruises to hockey. I only joined the team because my school didn't have a cheerleading squad and I could skate, and well! I learned how to skate before I could walk. At the winter formal, while getting ready at a friends house, I walked into her dresser. It just grazed right below my shoulder but with in minutes I had an enormous bruise. I would think to my self when things like this happened

"Wow, I must have walked into it a lot harder than I realized."

The final give away was my period. I was always bleeding. Somedays it was so bad I couldn't go to school. My blood was clearly trying to tell me something was wrong. I just always had an excuse.

"Oh maybe I messed up my birth control. Oh Hockey was a little tough today. I have headaches because I'm dehydrated. I'm tired because I'm not sleeping enough. I can't keep up at practice because I'm not training hard enough."

T's family had looked into it and said that it sounded like I had an iron deficiency because I was not a fan of red meat. Nobody knew, but nobody wanted the reality to be true.

Canadian health care is not the best, and I will gladly and openly talk about it's downfalls. All of this was happening in November, I couldn't get a doctors appointment until January 6th. I went into the hospital on January 3. Round one. Ding Ding Ding.... and the race was off. That was how it began...

Heavenly Laze before Surgery Craze

Sunday Funday became a Sunday Lazy day.

I woke up not feeling well. I couldn't sleep last night because I was up all night with a stuffy nose. The kind that you just can't blow and is stuck up all in your head. So when I finally did sleep, I slept all day. My mum and I had a girls day planned but it was put on halt. It was good though because she got one of her homework assignments done. (She's in school online to upgrade her degree.)

I hung out all day with my sis in the living room. I think she was recovering from Peach Fest where she went to see Lotus. I watched "Stepbrothers" with Will Ferrell and it was hilarious, as well as "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler and Jen Aniston. I needed a chill day where I didn't have to think and spending it with Natter Batter was the icing on the cake.

Thats when my mum reminded me I would help her with her assignment. Power point anyone? UGH how I don't miss those, but my mum was so excited when I finished it for her. Hmmm assisted her, in case her prof reads this ::wink wink::. Hahah Nah jk she's a smart cookie.


Today was another chill day. I have my surgery tomorrow and my game face is on. Mummeth made my favorite dinner (Almond crusted salmon.) Its actually so good. We then went to Target. I would definitely consider it one of my happy places. We needed new sheets for my bedroom. My sister when she crawled into bed with me this morning said

"Courtney, we really are the typical blonde vs. brunette siblings. I walk into your room and there is so much light. Everything is white, its like I'm in Heaven."

Hahah Her room has deep dark brown walls and mine have white crown molding half way up with a very light grey. Her windows let no light in because of the deep brown suede curtains and mine are white sheer. She has dark mahogany furniture and I have white. Tonight at Targert, we got a white eyelet duvet and sheets I've been wanting which are very cottage chic. We went with the pink sheets to mix it up a bit. Dexter looks just stunning laying on my bed, not that he didn't before but he loves the new look.

We got home from target and I scrubbed down in the shower. I chatted for a bit with the crush, he's kind of a babe, just the sweetest. I had to pound fluids until midnight. I hate NPO (Nothing by mouth), and had left over salmon right at 11:45. I also indulged in a little carrot cake. While doing something upstairs this afternoon, my mum and I didn't even hear what we have dubbed "The Carrot Cake Bandit." This person snuck in, left two pieces on the counter and disappeared with out a trace. Whomever you are, thank you for enabling my addiction ;)

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have my surgery. Its at 8:30 am. We leave the house at 6:30 and I wait. I'll be awake through the procedure (sedated but awake.) They do this so they don't hit any nerves in my spine or something like that. (I'm not impressed by the sound of this). I told them I didn't want to know that much about it beforehand because to be honest I'm scared $#!%less. That time I awoke from surgery at Toronto Sick Kids has me scarred and the panic attacks are getting ready to come out and play in full force. It will be interesting.

Until then, I'm in bed, cozy in my new sheets. Reading the new Cosmo and Shape and ready to rock and roll. It will be go time. I will be scared but I can do this. One step closer to starting treatment. One step closer to living my life again, to get back to being... me.

The Lazy Days before The Radiation Rayz

The last few days....

Have been really great. I've completely not thought about being sick. My Surgery got moved from next Wednesday to Tuesday and so therefore, I have a few days off to just... be. I told myself I was going to relax and that is exactly what I've done.

Where did we leave off....
*To be completely honest, the days are jumbled in my mind. So I've got stories.. but they may be out of order.*

I GOT HOT ROLLERS! I'm so excited. While visiting K in Kingston last time, she introduced me to her friend who is a hairstylist. He did my hair with hot rollers, Big Hair for a Big Personality. I was #OBSESSED. (yes I just hashtagged it) So I got my own. The ones he used on me were IMPOSSIBLE to find. Legit, I can't even find them on the intranet. (Not even the internet but the intranet.) I got wannabe's but I think I was semi successful!
F-> Professional

And my version (which is from Saturday night dinner with friends):

I think the whole point of the hairstyle is BIG SEX ME hair. It's my favorite look, I mean who doesn't want to feel like a VS angel.

So, on I think Thursday, the madre, seestor and I hung out. We went to dinner at "On The Border", or off the Border... heck I don't know, we were in the restaurant so I'll just say we were in the Border. I was once again obsessing over salsa. We were all in top notch moods because legit everything seemed funny. My mum was in the back seat and my sister was driving.

"Mom- stop making farting noises with your hands!"

yelled Nat.

My mum, was clearly disappointed after her

"LOOK what I can do"

exclamation!

Natalie turned up her Ipod and Lotus was playing. We joke that its my favorite band, although its a big hippie band that doesn't sing. Personally, I like lyrics in my music. BUT I "liked" the band and really wanted to go to a concert with her because... ok Backstory:

I had gone on a date with the HOTTEST guy. We met on match and he had been in Italian Vogue. (I didn't know this prior to the date and yes I googled as soon as I got home). Anyway, he loved Lotus and so when I found out both he and my sister were going to the show, I begged her to take me. The running joke then became how they were my "favorite" band. Long story short, she didn't take me, because "I'm not going to take a ticket away from someone who actually wants to be there!"- Damn hippies.

She was conveniently going to see them again this weekend. While reiterating that

"I just don't understand how they don't sing and have lyrics, its so weird."

Nat said...

"COURTNEY! You don't understand. Lotus is the essence of my being- I'm going to sit during their set and cry!"

Haha I laughed and was like ok dude. Its quite the coincidence because an old crush (who I chat with all the time) and I got on the topic of Lotus the following night and how our siblings were super into them. He was all like

"My bro wont stop asking about your sister, The 4 of us should totally hit up a show."

::Palm to forehead, with shaking of head motion:: It never ends. I joked that Natalie should take me this weekend with her, I mean I had the time off and why not experience a hippie festival. My mom supported me and was like

"Natalie! Take and include your sister!"

To which Natalie brought up a very valid point.

"Could you imagine her drinking for 12 Hours?"

I was like

"I could totally last all day!"

Natalie then won the argument with

"K, Thats what most men say and they are LIARS!"

Touche Nat. Well played! In the end though, she wish she had taken me. She stayed with a friend who had a foot fetish. No lie, loves feet. My mum and I couldn't let her live this one down, so we proceeded to send her pics of our feet all night. She ended up sleeping on a pull out couch, and almost being forced to leave the concert early. Should have Let me gooo :)

*I've been drawing the arrow tattoo on places to see how I feel about it.*

We went to On or Off the border and I got my salsa. It was GLORIOUS. Mum and I had margaritas and it was just fun to be out with the fam jam. So many funny things happen, and like its just an experience. I feel like I'm always laughing which is good, because I've been stressed about starting radiation. We're deciding on where we want to radiate. Just the pelvis or the abdomen as well. If we radiate the abdomen and pelvis, then we don't have to worry about doing the biopsy of the lymph nodes. However, there are more complications and risks with more radiation. The radiation could trigger my bone marrow to relapse and so the less the better. However if my lymph nodes are positive then we need to radiate them, so we'll only know conclusively with the biopsy. Its scary thinking that treatment for one disease could lead to the relapse of another disease. As someone told me

"The Cancer is just going to have to learn to leave you alone, It hasn't won a single battle and it is sure as hell not going to win the war so it should stop trying."

I've gotten to chat with a few old friends this week too through facebook and catch up with them. One of which, her mom has recently beat cervical cancer. It was nice to talk to her because she had a different insight than someone in the medical field. I asked her about side effects and of course vaginal dilators. We talked a lot too about age differences and how they relate to this experience. It sucks having to go through this as a rare case, i.e. being so damn young, because no body will completely understand what I'm going through. Old women can say they do, but ultimately they got to enjoy their sexual prime. I'm supposed to be just getting started. She and I had a bunch of laughs, and it was so nice to talk to her. She told me

"I"m just going to start calling you Bobo like the clown, because every time something punches you down, you get right back up!"

On Friday, I got a call from Cooper's Psych department. Dr. D insisted I get someone to talk too. My referral finally went though and they called to get a few facts so that could match me with the best possible doc. The guy was really cool and nice over the phone but I didn't want to do this. I felt like, if I was admitting to someone that I should talk to someone, then it was because I'm weak and cannot handle it on my own. I know this is not the case, but as I've said before,

"Your mind can be your worst enemy."

He asked me

"Why do you need to see a psychologist?"

to which I replied,

"Umm because my doctor told me I had too."

The guy laughed and it lightened the mood. I had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on my bed in a white towel still soaking wet. I tried to brush through my hair while we went over the questions,

"How are you sleeping? How is your appetite? Are you in pain? What meds are you on? Have you seen a therapist before? Are you depressed? Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? Do you feel like living is worthwhile? Do you have a healthy outlet? Do you abuse drugs and/or alcohol?"

It took about a half an hour and I was glad to be done. I like the fact they do the pre-screen because its not like you'll connect with every shrink, so at least this way they can find someone on the same page as me.

Friday was awesome too, because I got to see my mum's ex boyfriends' daughters. They were like little sisters to me and drove down from Princeton. We went for lunch and it was so weird because the little girls I went to the Britney Spears concert with, were now 15 and 20. How can I feel so old and so young all at once is crazy. We went for lunch and caught up and it was just so nice to get out of the house with someone who wasn't my mom or sister. They were such a breath of fresh air and got me the cutest bracelets which I'm now officially obsessed with. I love those girlies! (The one says "Young and Strong" and the other says "Positivity"- I don't know how they could be anymore fitting!)

Later that night my mum and I drove to drop her vehicle off at the dealer for an oil change. On the way back we went to pick up take out. It was fun, jamming in the car with mom. We went and got buffalo shrimp and they were amazing. I was once again craving the spice, and we mowed down. We played dress up at some point too, because I was in the mood for country. Its just a country girl thing, and probably the fact the Havelock Jamboree is this weekend and a ton of my friends are there. I texted my bestie K and was like, read the lyrics to this song. It describes me and my main weakness (in men)." It was "Ladies Love Country Boys" by Trace Adkins. I don't think I need to post the lyrics for you to catch the gist. "Pontoon" by Little Big Town came on too. That is my JAM from last summer, I rocked out. Obviously.

I didn't blog Friday night because I'm reading "Rules of Civility" by Amor Towles and I'm loving it. I also talked to the crush for a few hours. :) I won't lie, I have two crushes right now, and this one doesn't know I'm sick. He does know I'm blogging but not what about. Although he knows about my past health issues, I feel like I'm lying, but don't know why I need to tell him... right now. It's not that I'm ashamed or embarrassed of what I'm going through, but how he'll react makes me nervous. I could give him some credit and test his character by seeing how he'll react, but I risk being exposed to human nature. If he runs and hides then it is just a confirmation of how scary my situation is, and how much I would really rather not be dealing with it. It validates the fact, that being with someone in my predicament sucks just as much for them as it does for me. I guess I never worried about these things when I had leukemia because I was in a serious relationship with someone who loved me, and I knew they didn't care about my being sick, because they just wanted me, in any capacity. Now, I'm a package deal. You can have me, but you also have to have this list of things that suck and can hinder any number of things that normal couples do. Even the simple things... like go out to dinner. I won't know how I'm going to be feeling. The last few days I've been getting worse and worse. Its easy to hide fatigue with make up, and pain with a smile. But eventually that wont be so easy. So by me not telling him, is he my escape. My way to feel normal and connected to the inner 25 year old in me who so desperately wants to pretend like this is no big deal. If that's true... is it wrong? Maybe pretending to be normal isn't the worst thing, because then I won't lose touch of what its like to be "normal" and when I am better will be better able to quickly get back into the swing of things. ::Wishful Thinking::

Saturday I slept in. I woke up with a stuffy nose, sore throat, and what felt like a UTI. It was a reminder that yes, you're sick, and weak. My mum told me to stay in bed, but I knew she needed to go and pick up her car, so I took one for the team. We went to Starbucks to get me a frozen hot chocolate but it just wasn't the same. After we went and got her car we went and got our nails done. Or as they say in jersey... "Get our nails did." At least if I can't feel like a woman, I can feel girly. The Dallas vs. Arizona preseason football game was on and it was so nice to relax, get pampered and watch the game. It really is incredible how bad Dallas sucks, thank god its preseason for them, but even still, its doubtful they'll get any better. I mean really, FOUR turnovers in the first half. Poor Romo, should have stuck with golf. I just can't wait for the regular season to start and am stoked that if I have to be in the states, its at least during football season. *Haha only I talk about wanting to feel girly- and watching football in the same paragraph. Yup, I'm still me*

*Oh and for the record, one of my ALL TIME favorite tv shows starts Sept 4th. HOLLA to the LEAGUE.

Later that night my mum and I went for dinner with a really good childhood friend's mum and sister. I hadn't seen them since probably middle school. N, (my friend) is in San Fran and couldn't come but I got to facetime her. Her sis and I were talking about boobs and she was like

"You should see N's!"

I was like

"OMG REALLY? I'm totally going to ask her to show me on facetime!"

haha Oohhh how I haven't changed a bit. They got me the most gorgeous necklace. It's so me, and I'm already excited for another night out, so I can dress up and wear it. I've actually been spoiled this week, which has no lie, not sucked because next week will. We caught up on everything, our pets, families, old stories, new stories, TV. My mum brought up how she is like Penny from the Big Bang Theory because she works with some crazy intelligent people. She ended it perfectly with a story about her coworker from Bali.

"I was like OMG, next time you go to Bali (pronounced: Bah-Lee) I'm totally going with you."

I was like

"Ummm mum, do you mean Bali (prounounced Bawl-ee)?"

hhahaha I haven't been able to stop ripping on her. As my sister would say

"You're prettttty!"

On the car ride home, I pulled a total Courtney moment. While at dinner we obviously caught up on relationships past. I was showing them pictures on my phone, because... well lets just say some of their personalities made their physical descriptions much less appealing. While showing them my one ex, I accidentally clicked the "like" button on facebook for the pic. As we were in the car driving home I got a facebook notification

"S has liked your picture."

I clicked to see what picture and was like "OMFG!" It couldn't be a coincidence that she liked that EXACT picture that was over 3 years old just out of the blue. The SAME picture that I just so happened to be showing them tonight. I went into panic mode until another facebook notification came in.

"R has liked your pic."

At this point I knew I must have accidentally posted it to my wall or have done something. I instantly private messaged R and was like

"Hey.... (explained story)... So is it showing up in your newsfeed?"

She was like

"Yes, OMG I can unlike it, I just thought it was a pretty pic."

I was like no no, no worries. He was tagged in the picture so he was getting these notifications too. The damage had been done. Well, now he knows I was talking about him, or at least looking at our pics. ::Palm to head, again, shakes head:: Damn blonde moments.

We came home and I crawled into bed. I'm pooped. My friends have totally stepped up again this week. People, you totally wouldn't have expected. People checking in, people showing they care. When my psychologist pre screener asked me

"How are your support systems? Do you have a lot of social support?"

It was probably the only question I could answer with a resounding

"Absof***ing-lutely YES!"

Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas Honey

Today has been kind of an awesome day. I woke up, I got to talk to my bestie, while in the bath ::Helloo Multitasker:: and go to an awesome concert where I got to meet Rob Thomas backstage. I'll start from the beginning. (Note: This referring to Sunday, but it took me two days to write).

SO, I started getting ready for the concert. For being told I over packed, I clearly under packed because I was like "screw it!" I just wore the same thing I wore to Maroon 5, I did not have another cute tank nor a crossbody purse. Originally I was supposed to go to the concert with my mum, dad and sister but my dad went back to Canada, and my sister has and I quote

"Had enough of going to preppy concerts, I'm spoiled by my festivals and miss those."

My mum was going to still come, but because she's a rockstar let me go and have fun with the girls. She's so selfless like that because I know how in love with Rob Thomas she is.

So I met the girls and we were off. My sister drove us to the train station and on the way we passed a red suv. It was stopped in the middle of the rode and at first we were like WTF? Then I saw a HUGE turtle crossing the road and the man had stopped to make sure it didn't get hit. Believe it or not, this was the highlight of my day! Then we were at the train, HOLLA to trying new things. After about 15 minutes of deciding whether or not we should get on the train, (we weren't sure which direction we were supposed to take), we got on and luckily it was the right direction. We got worried because it was delayed a bit, but it was just because our conductor was a little behind schedule. We were off to my very first tailgate. It was SOOO exciting because it's always something I've wanted to do just haven't really ever done. J had to pee the WHOLE train ride. I told her to use a cup but I guess that isn't proper train etiquette.

We got to the tailgate and it was a blast. My first one mind you. Did I play flip cup- YEP! I even flipped the cup on the first try. Did I take shots of sailor Jerrys? Yup and ouch... all I can say is ouch. I ran into old friends and had a blast.

J and I went to pick up our tickets from will call. As we walked up, I said to her,

"Uh do we go to the VIP one or the regular one?"

The VIP one was closer so we figured we'd give it a try. The lady instantly recognized my name and pulled out an envelope. Here I was worried that I'd have to explain the Canadian license. As J and I were walking away I pulled out the 4 tickets and 4 passes. FOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES! I looked at the tickets and knew right away that section 102 was center having been in 102 for the Maroon 5 Concert. We had AWESOME seats, we had backstage passes, I was with awesome people. This was the night out I needed. I was a work a holic back home. I actually would go 16 days straight, or pull 17 hour shifts. 10am-10pm at bar number one and then 10pm-3am at bar number two. I wasn't used to just, having fun like this with no worries. It was amazing!

We went into the venue and I was absolutely tipsy. No doubt about it, the girls got a little nervous because my mum read them the riot act, but they were amazing. We grabbed some beers, took a pee break and I went shopping. I just couldn't leave with out a shirt or two! We then headed to our seats. My main objective of the night was crabfries so that was on our agenda for the break in between the Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox. We got to our seats and started rocking out and it was so fun. It turned out Dr. N who had gotten me the tickets was right next to us, and I had been texting her for quite some time so it was great to run into her. I got to meet her family and her son was SO adorable. He had on these red head phones and was loving his popcorn. Her Daughter was so beautiful and had a friend from Vancouver. It was instant BFF status. She had on a wicked leather jacket. (My hunt for the perfect leather jacket still continues so I get very jealous when I see amazing ones). It was really cool to meet her family, because she has made such an impact in my life, and I am just so grateful they share her.

After catching up for a little bit during the switch up of bands we went on our crab fries mission. It was GLORIOUS! I got the massive tub and it was like $46, I wasn't even mad. I also probably really needed the sustenance in my stomach.

We then headed to the lawn seats to visit our friends. It was an experience I apparently needed to experience. We watched the first half of matchbox from the lawn and this is where it got interesting. So I was slightly inebriated, as were the majority of the people at the show. I used to work at a bar where flirting was encouraged, so I figured HEY, why not, its been a while and I kind of missed it. There were two eligible candidates for the evening. The first, I started the prowl. He was tall, smart and really liked the band, which was a turn on because it meant he wasn't a poser who just came for the alcohol and party. We flirted but he was just too shy. I also may have been overthrowin my fishin line ... but thats not the point. In comes bachelor number two. He was tall, hot, and athletic. I had chirped him for shaving his legs even though I knew he was a swimmer. This story is only funny, because I know what I was thinking, but then I got the scoop from the girls and their perspective. We'll start with mine:

::Hmmm he's really cute, not my first choice but hey, he's really cute:: Then we like randomly danced, and he "accidentally" brushed my arm. ::OOH the accidental touch to see how I react, sweet I'm in like flynn.:: Get more touchy feely. Long gazes into each others eyes. ::Ummmm hello this dance has been going on for about 3 songs now and I have way better seats so now's your chance to kiss me bud, what is taking so long:: more touchyness, maybe even a hand hold, eye glances....::K yup you had your chance bud c'mon girls we've got a concert to enjoy::

To which I proceeded to grab the girls and we left to go to our seats.

Their version:

Ok, so guy number one. Seems interested but eh, she's not anymore. OOOKAY she's moving on to bachelor #2. Oooh he's definitely interested. ....okay heerreeeeee we gooooo.... OMG THEY"RE GUNNA KISS and Boom, he chickened out. Ok working up to it again...heeerrreee weeee goooo... OMG THEY"RE GUNNA KISS and nope he swings and misses again. Yea, lets go to our way awesome seats.

Whatever, flirting is just as fun, and it was SO fun.

We went back to our seats. The show was amazing. Then it was over and it was BACKSTAGE time!!!!

We went to the stage, headed around it to the back stage. We were greeted at the door where we showed our passes. We went in and it was everything you would expect a back stage to look like. There were rooms with people who looked really important, and the room we went too had a table with everything. Wine, and water and drinks and snacks and food. It was epic. As we walked to said room, we went single file. There was ROB! He gave us all hugs and signed stuff and took pics. When I got to him, you could clearly tell I wasn't one with celebs. Did NOT play it cool whatsoever.

"OMG HI, My mom is inlove with you and REALLY You drink white wine? That sooooo Rockstarish of you!"

We then went to the other end of the room to take pics and when I went up, I could no lie not stop my word vomit from telling him all about the time I went to his concert when I was little and wore a pink denim skirt which I was obsessed with and how my mom is in love with him and I really wish I still had that skirt. I know he talked to me but I was so excited his words escaped me. Something about how it was probably their first album for the concert I went too. Honestly, dude was so nice.

The girls took pics and I stood there. I wouldn't be surprised if my mouth was on the floor. I was trying to take it all in. He was shorter and skinnier than I anticipated. He had a tattoo on his right arm of a 20. (Hmmm big points to the first to guess what thats for.) He wore black leather rocker boots and black jeans. He had switched his shirt from when he was on stage because his stage shirt was red. He was sweaty from the show, but honestly, you couldn't stop staring at his smile. He radiated gratitude and appreciation and was so humble and nice. It was mind boggling. He joked that someone was getting yelled at in the other room, so he had no problem slipping out to come meet us.

It was amazing. We then said our good byes and left. J's boyfriend picked us up and the car ride was full of us laughing and chatting about our night. Thats also when they filled me in on their version of flirtgate:Matchbox style. We went to Wawa (For you Canadian's think Macs but way better because they have a deli of sorts.) I proceeded to get a meatball sub AND a chicken cheesteak. Both were only 6" on whole wheat and that is how I'm justifying them. I got home and RAN in the doors. Woke my mum and filled her in on every detail.

I crawled into bed, ate my subs (or hoagies as New Jersians call them) and passed out hard. It was amazing. It was a release. Its one thing to go out and have a great time. Its another thing to go out and just have no worries with reckless abandon. I needed the latter.

I start doctors appointments at 7am tomorrow. Radiation doctors, Oncology docs, a second opinion. It's going to be a long day, and we're going to start making the decisions to get this treatment train rolling. I'll be exhausted but I'm also ready to get my life going. So for now, when I'm stressed, I'll remember how much fun I had at my first tailgate and meeting the rockstar!

Thank you to everyone who made it possible. *(Especially a certain someone. You're in good hands! If you read this, and I hope you do, You really don't know how much I appreciated this. So thank you!)

Oh and just because it's fitting...

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know, right now you can't tell... but stay a while and maybe then you'll see, a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gunna think of me, and how I used to be.... me.


**Updates forgot to add how meeting some people at the tailgate. One guy and his lady stated.

"There is no way you're from around here. You're just too nice and friendly."

To which I replied.

"Well done, I'm actually Canadian."

Much Needed Break for Maroon 5

So, I have been wanting to see Maroon 5 live for only God know hows long. I loved them way before "Songs About Jane" came out and am one of those die hards. There was an incentive at my job. St. Louis Wings and Ribs, for the girl who could sell the most Taco and Coors Light deals. Well, when I heard that the prize was the Molson Canadian box with a friend and lots of booze and tickets to the concert, I was on my taco selling game. Not only did I win the first week, I blew the sales out of the water the fourth week according to my boss. I unfortunately won the ballots from my store into the prize draw but did not win the tickets. I was devastated. So, when J, got me the tickets, I think I cried. Oh wait I did. A lot. Of HAPPY tears! I legit pulled a girl and jumped up and down and instantly made a playlist of what I thought their set list would consist of. I. Was. Stoked.

When your life is turned upside down, its hard to think positively. Its hard to get excited about anything other then, "Oh ya I only have to get one needle instead of 5 today!" So this meant the world to me. Little did I know it got better. I had SIXTH ROW CENTER SEATS! Screw the Molson Canadian box. It was also even better because I got to bring my mum, dad and sister. Most people would find their divorced parental unit and their sister accompanying them to a concert weird and unconventional, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I mean yes, I did have this mental image of us wearing khaki's and pastel collared shirts with fanny packs, comb overs and camera's around our necks, but we were awesome, we were going to have fun, and I didn't care.

My sister is a hippie. She worships some guy named Jerry and has grateful dead everything. She listens to a band called the string cheese incident and is first in line with her tent and hula hoop at music festivals where I think they use portapottys. She just took her dreads out and has more tattoo's than I think space left on her body. But gosh damnit I love her. So needless to say, she wasn't exactly thrilled to be seeing Maroon 5 and Kelly Clarkson. Her first comment when we got out of the car was

"Where is the bar."

But she came with bells on and was a blast!

We got home from my doc appointments that day and went to get ready! I put my maroon 5 playlist on and belted it out. I had originally teased my hair "When in Jersey...." but remembered I was with my dad and didn't want to have to subject him anymore than I had to, to the local culture. I think I found a happy medium. I was going to dress up and wear high wedges and cute jeans - I mean I was about to see my future husband for the first time in person, but remembered I could barely walk with out falling in flip flops, so wedges would be dangerous. I settled for my new billabong "I <3 California" Tank and jeans with hot pink flips and lots of bling.

We left and were on our way. We didn't have time to get food or anything because I refused to be late for Adam. We picked up my dad and were off. We got on to the highway and there was a line... A LINE ON THE HIGHWAY just for the exit. My sister said

"Well isn't this just great, we are in a line behind a bunch of broads going to see the same dude. Emotional women drivers, we're doomed!"

I sat quietly and got a little anxious. We just couldn't be late. So we started talking about food, my other favorite subject. My mum being the smart cookie she is said,

"Well the only healthy thing that will be there are soft pretzels."

Haha I didn't know whether to laugh or just stare with utter amazement that this woman works for the FDA.

We had been sitting in the line for the exit for about twenty minutes. We couldn't even see the exit we were so far back. Something needed to be done. Now, for the record, I had stated that we pull this next move for a LONG time! Since we first got in the line, but no body listens to the blonde. So my mum pulls out of the line, jets to the front, and continues to the exit. We get to the exit and instead of cutting in like an @$$hole, she just continues. It was as if there were angels guiding us because a second lane appeared. How none of the other cars had figured this out is beyond me, but I wasn't complaining. We just took 30 minutes off our wait. We then parked and walked to the venue. I was legit jumping up and down the whole way. I had taken some percs before we left because my back had not been doing well up until this point. In fact it was terrible. I was refusing to let it ruin my night. As we were being searched in line, I stealthily took the perc out of my coin section of my wallet and slipped it in my bra. I felt like I was smuggling ecstasy or something but I was trembling. I had never been a rule breaker and was not about to start now, but it was one perc. Which I would inevitably need. My nerves should have been the give away, clearly not a smart casting decision for any life scene somewhat resembling a scene from blow, they looked in my clutch and sent me through. SO anti climatic, I was almost mad, but whatever I got to keep my one lonely drug.

We got inside and Dad and nat went in search of alcohol. I went in search of Chickie and Pete's crabfries, a maroon 5 shirt and a bathroom. No way in hell was I leaving mid show for something as unimportant as relieving a bladder. After our successful mission, water bottle in hand we went to the seats. Once again, I jumped up and down with happy tears. We were so close to the stage I could sneeze and water droplets would fall on the stage.

It was unbelievable. They had servers too, who most likely hated their jobs. I had never been in the tweeter center before but it was HUGE. This was where all my friends went to see DMB and sat on the lawn, Yea, not for me. I sat down, crab fries in hand. That had been a mission all on its own. Crab fries are basically fries with a spice of sorts on them and melted american cheese. OMG they're amazing. My sister and dad caught up with us, and we were ready. There is nothing like that feeling went the lights descend and your heart stops, as your favorite artist is seconds away from rocking your world. I was ready.

Kelly Clarkson came on and was INCREDIBLE. She is one tiny person. She sang barefoot the whole time. Had one costume change and I knew every song and belted them WAY OUT. There were these two older ladies in front of us. Typical Jersey moms, about 45 and 5'1 feet tall. They kept standing on the seats in front of us. I was ready to take them out, but so was every person in our vicinity. They were wasted. After Kelly, my mum went and talked to the usher who laid down the law, but like c'mon people don't be so rude. Oh wait, I'm in Jersey and forgot that was a HUGE request. Anyway, it wasn't going to ruin my night and it didn't. My sister sat in her chair, with her electric cigarette, laughing at me and my mom rocking out. It was glorious.

Natalie being hilarious like she is

"Its like she's singing directly into my soul."

When Kelly was done, I was pooped, but just getting started. I popped a perc, my mom went to pee, and my dad and sis, and their two new friends behind them (A couple in their 40's who were pretty stoked to see Adam) flagged down the server and over ordered some booze. I was having a great time, I really am one of those people who can have a great time sober, its one of my prized personal qualities.

The time was near, Adam was about to grace me with his presence. They switched up the stage and it was go time. The old women in front of me turned around to try and chat, and my mum piped in reminding them not to get up on their seats. NOT while Adam was on.

Then... Adam came on. It was perfect. He had on a white tee and tight jeans. His hair was long but styled. His left ear piece hung just over his shoulder because he was so good he didn't need it. His voice was crisp. His sweat, delectable. He thrusted against his mic stand and I almost fainted, but didn't because I couldn't bare to miss a second.

I sang along, I danced, I jumped up and down, a lot. It was the perfect night. PERF!

When it was over, I was elated. I couldn't have asked for a better night. I only had 45 minutes left until I could no longer eat. So we went to pick up my dad's car. My sister drove it to Applebee's, and the four of us had some yummies. I felt bad, having worked in the service industry for as long as I had, walking in a half hour to close but we had a time limit and I was hungry. We got apps and talked about the show and munched and it was weird. We felt like a family, but in a good way. Not the "Oh I want mom and dad to get back together way, HELL NO" but the "this is really nice and mature way".

We went home and I started the blog from the doctors appointments. I then had a skype date... with who, you'll never know but lets just say it was exactly what I needed. Maybe he'll get a mention or two in future posts but until then, I'm leaving it be. Its not good for me to get too excited because things don't have the best tendency of working out in my favor, so until then, I'm going to just enjoy. :)

Here are some of the links to the videos from the concert!

Moves Like Jagger with My mom and dad rocking out!


Kelly Clarkson, I'm not even sure what song this is but my sis caught it. BRAT!

Maroon 5 Does Daft Punk's Get Lucky

Stronger by Kelly Clarkson: Quite honestly my theme song right now.

This Love by Maroon 5