It Hasn't Hit Me Yet, But Still 2 Tests To Get

"All visible signs of Cancer are gone... "

But... I still have two tests left. This was the first very big hurdle though, and I am very confident the tests are going to come back amazing. I just wanted to clarify for those who were unsure, and asking me. Yes you can't see any cancer, its unlikely but it doesn't mean it's not there, so we have two tests left to confirm the already amazing news. The odds are- Ever in my favor! (Hunger Games... haha get it? No... Ok moving on.)

There is nothing that makes you want to be as healthy as you can be than seeing other people living their lives to the fullest. It makes you want to be living your life too! Me- well I get great news and the response is usually the same, overwhelming.

"Courtney, You have no visible signs of cancer! What are you going to do now?"

I almost always reply to good news...

"Umm I'm going to sleep."

My theory is that it takes me a while to let something sink in. I overwhelm myself trying to get it to sink in. Ok, my recent news hasn't sunk in yet.

I don't think this news has sunk in because I still have two tests left. I've just gotten over the first MAJOR hurdle. I still have a PET scan and a PCR test. A PCR is a blood test used to detect whether my leukemia is back. It stands for "Polymerase Chain Reaction". Basically it is a genetic test to make sure my genes have not translocated. In English: when genes 15 and 17 switch places, its called translocation and it means my leukemia is back. Your genes should be 13.14.15.16.17.18.19.etc. etc. but when I have leumkemia or APML specifically, mine would be ordered 13.14.17.16.15.18.19.- the indicator for AML type 3. So with out the science lesson, we want them to come back in order with no hint of leukemia. (I understand this like the back of my hand but couldn't take and handle a science class if my life depended on it. Typical.)

The PET scan, well that uses radioactive dyes to detect abnormalities in the cells. We need that to come back with positive results too.

When both of those things happen I'm in the clear, officially. I have no doubt they will come back fine. I'm tired, and still feeling slightly off but I'm recovering from toxic chemotherapy and high doses of radiation where I was microwaved. A little recovery time is pretty much necessary.

The support has been so overwhelming and amazing! I can't even believe that I'm only 106 views shy of 42,000 since I started this journey 3.5 months ago. The skype dates, the emails, the letters and cards, the texts, calls and bbms, the care packages, the visits, the events, the facebook posts and messages. They've been my rock. They are what keep me positive and excited and in a weird way, safe. If I've forgotten to respond to some, I promise its the chemo brain. It really hates me. But I've gotten the well wishes and am soooo grateful!

I have 4 weeks left in New Jersey. I have people I want to see while I'm down here and things I want to do before I go home. So there may be some fun posts to come, sort of like in the beginning. No alcohol involved yet because my body is still in recovery mode. (I'm still craving that Extra dirty kettle one martini with extra olives, or a Ceasar, or frozen margarita. HMMMM yum).

I'm going out with one of my girlfriends this weekend- we're going to paint pottery because I'm such a bad@$$. I'm so excited I can't even handle it.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire next week with mom and the seestor and Jakk attack! (I actually may reread the first two books one more time before we go because I've already forgotten. Chemo brain is really coming at me with a vengeance.)

Hopefully I'll get to one more Eagles game, preferably one where we win because I'm starting to think I'm bad luck and would like to feel good juju vibes.

Oh and I'm absolutely going to try and go to some yoga. Yesterday morning, because I hadn't slept all night, I thought about going to the morning class. Keywords: thought. about. it. I even looked at the schedules. Baby steps. Who knows, next time I might get dressed and the time after that may even think about it, get dressed and then actually go!

So first things first on the normalcy agenda: stop being a night owl. Clearly I'm so excited to get back to work at the bars that I'm already on the sleep schedule required for working at them.

Then once I'm awake during the day, school work. I've started a little bit.

Yay! Just good things to come! I can feel it!

4 Weeks. 4 Weeks. 4 Weeks.

PCR Results and "Friendly" Food For Thought....

So the last few days have been simple. Friday I slept and recovered from all of the commotion of the E.U.A. on Thursday. Nothing too exciting. My dad left to go back to Canada, which sucked. I felt bad because I didn't get to say goodbye. It made sense, coming all the way over to our house, which is in the opposite direction, just to wake me up to say good bye would have gone over as how my dad would say "Like a fart in church." Haha So although I didn't get to say goodbye, I got a call as soon as he was in Canada.

The good thing that came out of Friday was I finally got my PCR results. A PCR is the genetic blood test to check to make sure my leukemia is not back. With my type of leukemia gene's 15 and 17 translocate, basically they switch spots. So think of it like this, when I'm healthy my gene's would go in order... 13/14/15/16/17/18 but when I have leukemia they are like this 13/14/17/16/14/18. Long story short- NO LEUKEMIA!!!! This was huge news because it will really dictate how we approach treatment. It also means my donor from my last transplant is actually an Angel, because his bone marrow is working wonders and keeping me healthy! Thank you Frank! I'm going to make it to my 5 year ReBirthday after all :)

Yesterday, I went to the movies with the fam. We went and saw "We're the Millers". It was funny. The exciting thing was the movie theater. The seats were recliner chairs and they were SO comfy! It wasn't just a movie it was an experience.

We got home from the movie and lunch and I pretty much went to bed. My back has not been my friend lately. I did however take the time to plan with with one of my besties J, about the concert we're going to tonight. Someone close to me happens to be acquaintances with one of the wives of Matchbox 20, and were able to get me tickets. It was the coolest, just waking up to a text, "You have 4 tickets to the show on Sunday" :) Once again this goes back to the whole idea of having something to get excited about.

I'm stuck in my house, not working and feeling shitty. I am the same girl who less than a week ago was working 2 bar jobs, which worked out to 6 nights a week, volunteered with the Canadian Cancer Society, trained at the gym three days a week sometimes 4 days, was working on a job interview for a dream like job position, AND was in school. Talk about feeling like you've lost it all, I went from not having a second to actually sit down and actually eat a meal to basically having more time than I know what to do with, and I'm a girl who likes to be busy. That is another reason this blog has been so helpful for me personally. So when I have something to get excited about, I sure as hell do and I'm grateful as hell for it!

Its interesting talking about losing things, because people, you can lose people in this process too, but you can gain them as well. When your world turns upside down, its the people you don't expect who step up, and the one's you thought who would who don't. Well, some people you expect do, but normally its a surprise. I can honestly say, I've lost one good friend. Sometimes, people are too caught up in themselves to see the bigger picture. They just don't understand, that there are so many bigger things to be worrying about than stupid miscommunications, grudges and drama. In moments like this in your life, you have a lot of time for self reflection, and you realize whats trivial and not worthy of your energy. I don't have time for the negativity in my life. I don't have time for drama, and blowing things out of proportion, which is sad because it equates to me losing those negative friends. Holding grudges is so immature, life is too short. Especially as evidenced by this, it could be gone in a split second, its precious too, so don't take people for granted. Appreciate gestures, no matter how small, because as cliche as it sounds, its the thought that counts and in this day in age, the fact that someone is thinking about you at all, should be enough.

I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm not. I'm sure I get upset over trivial things, but I always make sure to remind myself to step back and take a look at what the real issue is. Its sad really how true colors show, but I would rather see them now then waste anymore time. I once heard a rumor about me, that a coworker had said. Basically the gist of the story is that a customer had said to her

"Oh that new girl is so sweet!"

And my co worker responded with

"Ya, if you like that kind of person who HAS to be nice to and friends with everybody."

At first I was so hurt by this, because I don't HAVE to be nice to or friends with everybody, I WANT to be. Why? Simply because what will I gain by not being nice or friendly, nothing good. Who am I to make anyone feel bad about themselves and therefore why wouldn't I want to be nice and friendly with everyone. I then thought about her words again and realized, this was a compliment, a backhanded one, but a compliment none the less, because if thats the absolute WORST she could say about me, then I'm not doing too bad. The world is a better place when people are nicer to other people. That pay-it-forward Coke commercial gets me every time! My point is, when you're faced with trials and tribulations, people's true colors show, and although you may not like what you see, don't let it bring you down, but let it be a reminder of what you don't want to be, so that in your own small way, you can better the world by being a better person.

On the plus side, some people have really surprised me. One person, who I thought would run for the hills scared, has actually been a huge support system (Which has been an AWESOME surprise, no seriously I'm grinning from ear to ear). Two of my best friends, are still my best friends and reminding me why they are everyday, even while visiting BC and being stuck in Kingston. They've legit just been the best and I'm so lucky to have them, in fact, I don't know what I would do with out them. People I've never met have reached out, people I've lost touch with, people who I didn't see eye to eye with. I get asked a lot how I stay so positive and its not something I'm choosing to do, I just am. I am though because I'm filled with a spirit full of love that I've received from my support systems.

Supporting someone going through something like this, doesn't have to be difficult. They just need to know that they can call you to vent if need be. They need to know you DO care and are not just going through the motions. That's the difference. A lot of this process makes you feel removed and withdrawn from life, so when your friends send you updates and make you still feel included and missed, that's like gold! There's nothing worse than feeling forgotten. I'm so lucky to have a support network larger than life. Including this sexy man....

So as this journey continues, I'll say it again, it's not necessarily what people say to you, its how they make you feel. Switch that around too, and think about how you want to make someone feel today, aim to make one person smile, and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself. I am feeling so blessed, thank you!

One last side note, I'm not the only one dealing with this dreadful disease. If you have a minute, please check out someone close to me who is also young and doesn't deserve to be dealing with this. She is a fighter and needs all the love and support she can get as well! This is her website here http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/for-robyn-with-love/65421