Very Last Doc Apt of 2013

Today is my very LAST doctors appointment of 2013. Hormone Therapy (where they will insert pellets into my hip that time release the hormones into my body- because of course I was allergic to the less invasive forms.) Regardless- MY VERY LAST APPOINTMENT OF 2013. :D

It feels like just yesterday when realistically it was almost a year ago that I was looking my dad in the eye and saying

"I don't know what or why but something is wrong."

I had symptoms, I was stressed, I was tired but I just didn't believe it. Now here I am leaving battle and walking into peace negotiations.

No doctor has a magic ball and can tell me conclusively what I want to hear. They can never say with certainty

"You are cancer free."

I have to now be proactive about living as healthily as I can and as consciously as I can. I have to now listen to that voice. When my gut says to me again

"I don't know why or what but something is wrong"

I will bang down the doors of heaven until I figure it out and shut that voice up. I read a book a long time ago that said our gut is there for a reason. I can't remember but something about it being an evolutionary defense mechanism. Well gosh darnit, that makes sense.

So my PET scan lit up because of inflammation caused by the residual effects of radiation. The radiation takes months to leave my body. Which explains why I've been so tired and run down. I still have toxic radiation coursing through my veins. The post effects of the treatment, they don't disappear over night. On top of that, I'm a rare case/bird and therefore don't heal like the average person. Also the doses of radiation I received were extremely high. My lymph nodes are clear and that is huge! HUGE!

Basically Dr. D told me,

"You need to relax, de-stress and let your body heal. This is not going to happen over night, it will take months for you to be clean of the radiation and feel normal again."

Normal? What is normal? That is seriously a term I've forgotten over the years. Relax and let my body heal, UGH this is going to be so hard for a girl who can't sit still. However whenever I tried to test this theory my body reminded me to sit down, shut up and listen. I went out with a friend on Friday for another friends birthday and through out the course of the night had two SMALL glasses of wine (ANTIOXIDANTS). With multiple glasses of water in between and a HUGE dinner. (Ps- yes those are extensions.)

However the next morning after running errands with my mom, I ended up puking on the side of a highway.

"Mom, I think you should get into the right lane."

"Why honey? Is everything ok?"

::As she was pulling into the right lane::

"Um No"

:: Open door, proceed to puke, profusely.:: The rest of the weekend sucked. It was a lot of the same thing. My sister bringing me gingerale and zofran (Anti Nausea medication). It was most likely just a stomach bug, but one night of very simple social interaction, brought me back down to real life.

"YOU ARE RECOVERING"

is basically what my body was screaming at me. Or it could just be a coincidence. But still, really?

So the news from the doctor- can't be perfect. I will have check ups. All the time. My first being in January. Pet Scans, bloodwork. I'm never done this fight. Now it's just preventative and I'm ok with that, because at least I'm here to have a life to be preventive with. This in no way means I'll stop living. Not even close, not even a little bit. If anything, it means I'm just getting started.

I'm packing up my bags because I'm heading home. I'm going to have to start slow, but at least I get to start!

Its Not Bad News, But Its Not Good News Either- Pet Scan & Results Take 2

I want to preface all of this with: I will not worry until I'm officially given a reason too! So please don't you worry either!

How this post originally started:
So the day I have been waiting for is almost here. Like legit days away. My final results, my time to start packing. My dad on his way down to get me and take me back to the great white north. I should be ecstatic, I should be over the moon, but I think the anxiety from it has thrown me into an anxiety induced flu.

There are so many factors, am I upset over leaving my mom and sis. Maybe leaving some new friendships that I forgot how much I missed? Maybe the idea of being away from my doctors scares me. Honestly for the first time in a really long time I'm having a hard time breaking down my feelings.

Its difficult in the sense that I want to go home and jump right back into my life. I want to work and see all the people I've missed and have some fun. However a BIG downside to me, is I don't like people seeing me when I'm sick. Also when I'm not feeling well, I try not to show it. Its this whole being perceived as the "Sick Girl" complex I have. Because I'm stubborn like this, I usually end up sicker or some way that sucks. Its basically my body telling me to slow down.

I also have this thing about letting people down. Its the worst feeling in the world. I don't want people to think I don't want to see them, or this or that. I have trouble vocalizing how I'm feeling and what I need. Sometimes its because people don't really understand or get it, and other times its because I'm straight up stubborn. This is the time I need to make ME the number one priority, but that is extremely difficult for me.
(Written before today obviously- and below was written after)

It was one of those nights where the minutes on the clock crawled by. I tried everything, watching tv, instagram, twitter, reading, snuggling Dex, but nothing worked. I knew I had to be up by 6:30am but my body would not shut down. It was time for reinforcements. HELLO XANAX! My sis and mum came in at one point and my sister took one look at me

"She's stoned!"

My mum in her worried voice

"Why are you stoned honey?"

It was actually the most adorable concerning voice ever.

"Because mum, this test tomorrow is really important and I'm really nervous!"

They left my room to let me try and sleep but my mum came back in, clearly having been in deep thought. Actually she may not have even left the room... XANAX illusions.

"Why didn't you tell me you were nervous? You have no reason to be! Wanna come sleep in my room?"

My mum tried to comfort me but my drugged out stupor was in full effect and I push people away when I'm nervous and xanax stoned. I also have this thing where I don't like to cuddle- I know I'm weird. I get quiet and I hide. Eventually I fell asleep.

She woke me up the next morning and I was starving. For the test I wasn't allowed any carbs, sugar, caffeine, or fruit for 72 hours prior to the test- so basically it was the diet from hell. I wanted a pizza and stat. I rolled over and created my cocktail. Panic attacks were inevitable and I just wasn't in the mood. I wanted the results. I wanted to hear,

"You're in the clear, go home, be normal."

I pooled all of my pills in my hand, and took a gulp to wash away the rippling waves of fear. I threw on lulu's, grabbed a camo scarf and my eagles hat, I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

I don't remember the car ride, I don't remember waiting.

I do remember getting my IV, I remember being injected with the radioactive dye, and drinking the god awful barium.

I remember being left alone so no one else would be exposed to the radiation and because I thought I was hilarious... again... listening to "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons on my Ipod.

I sat there for an hour, and only remember listening to that one song. Thinking about how much I wanted to go home. Not even really understanding why because I'm not unhappy here, at all. I have amazing friends here too. I love living with my mom and sister and Tux and the cats. My sister is the funniest in her weird way and my mom makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a warm blanket of love. But I have my friends back home too, I have my Dad and C and Bella and my grandmother. I have my jobs, which I LOVE. I have two lives. Two completely separate lives. They completely coincide with both my passports, both my cell phones, I am literally a secret agent living double lives. This, this is what I thought about as radioactive materials were pulsating through my body, all alone. Thinking about my separate lives was my escape.

I went into the scan. It was 35 minutes. My meds were wearing off, I was getting antsy. Was I ready for this? Ready for these results? At least with out them, I could live in the fantasy that they were going to be ok, but once they come, they're real and then I have to deal with them.

When it was finally over, I jumped at the chance to leave. Apparently I waited in the waiting room with my mom for the disk with the results. No memory. We went to get breakfast, once again, little memory except for the pure joy I felt at inhaling the carbs from the tuna melt and hot chocolate. I came home, I slept... Fast forward to that night...

I woke up in the middle of the night and sorry to be graphic but I had gotten a period. Well $#!%, something that wasn't supposed to happen just did. A symptom, something is wrong. Add this to the previous week of feeling completely ill and I still didn't put together that something was off. I skipped a lunch and a dinner with two friends I hadn't seen in ages, both I had been looking SO forward too, but I couldn't ignore that my body needed sleep. Once again, making excuses that the previous week had caught up with me, I was anxious, nothing was wrong. Thats what I kept telling myself, because I am always positive, in the worst way I guess.

Fast Forward to today: The results.

Phone rings, I answer.

"Hi Courtney, It's Dr. D. I received your results from your PET Scan. Your Lymph nodes are clear and everything looks good. However, there is some uptake in your cervix. This could be residual effects from the radiation. Instead of seeing you in three months however, I think it would be better to see you in a month to be safe."

::CRUSHED::

Good news and bad news all at once. I mean it wasn't bad but it wasn't great. It COULD be residual effects from the radiation but it lit up, it could be cancer. Cancer that isn't visible to the naked eye but showed up on the PET Scan. Back to square one, not knowing. On the bright side, my lymph nodes were clear. At least the f****** chemo worked.

I don't have time to wait this out, my insurance runs out in May. What I had (may still have) was an aggressive form of cancer. If it is still there who knows what will happen in a month.

So we go in tomorrow, we go to ask questions.

My mom went out and got me the new Britney cd because Britney fixes everything. However I'm not even in a Britney mood, because all week, I was thinking about how I was going to pack and surprise everyone back home and now I'm just yet again wondering what new journey my body is taking me on unwillingly.

Someone special to me tonight told me

"Energy Flows Where Attention Goes"

So... I'm giving myself tonight to be pissed off and upset. Because tomorrow Positive Energy is going to flow to where my Attention must go!

Will I be ok, yes. Am I pissed off yes. Did I want a conclusive answer, yes. I have a Skylar Grey Song on repeat.... because right now its a metaphor for what I'm feeling. (Actually her whole album is speaking to me right now). Come tomorrow- it's Britney Time.

-Back From The Dead

"I worked so hard to put the past to rest,
now its tumbling down on me, just like an avalanche...
So you can't just come back now, like a demon uninvited.
You can't just Expect me, to open my door to you because....

I never thought that you and I would ever meet again,
I mourn the loss of you sometimes and pray for peace with in.
The word "distraught" cannot describe how my heart has been,
but where do we begin now that you're back from the dead."

It Hasn't Hit Me Yet, But Still 2 Tests To Get

"All visible signs of Cancer are gone... "

But... I still have two tests left. This was the first very big hurdle though, and I am very confident the tests are going to come back amazing. I just wanted to clarify for those who were unsure, and asking me. Yes you can't see any cancer, its unlikely but it doesn't mean it's not there, so we have two tests left to confirm the already amazing news. The odds are- Ever in my favor! (Hunger Games... haha get it? No... Ok moving on.)

There is nothing that makes you want to be as healthy as you can be than seeing other people living their lives to the fullest. It makes you want to be living your life too! Me- well I get great news and the response is usually the same, overwhelming.

"Courtney, You have no visible signs of cancer! What are you going to do now?"

I almost always reply to good news...

"Umm I'm going to sleep."

My theory is that it takes me a while to let something sink in. I overwhelm myself trying to get it to sink in. Ok, my recent news hasn't sunk in yet.

I don't think this news has sunk in because I still have two tests left. I've just gotten over the first MAJOR hurdle. I still have a PET scan and a PCR test. A PCR is a blood test used to detect whether my leukemia is back. It stands for "Polymerase Chain Reaction". Basically it is a genetic test to make sure my genes have not translocated. In English: when genes 15 and 17 switch places, its called translocation and it means my leukemia is back. Your genes should be 13.14.15.16.17.18.19.etc. etc. but when I have leumkemia or APML specifically, mine would be ordered 13.14.17.16.15.18.19.- the indicator for AML type 3. So with out the science lesson, we want them to come back in order with no hint of leukemia. (I understand this like the back of my hand but couldn't take and handle a science class if my life depended on it. Typical.)

The PET scan, well that uses radioactive dyes to detect abnormalities in the cells. We need that to come back with positive results too.

When both of those things happen I'm in the clear, officially. I have no doubt they will come back fine. I'm tired, and still feeling slightly off but I'm recovering from toxic chemotherapy and high doses of radiation where I was microwaved. A little recovery time is pretty much necessary.

The support has been so overwhelming and amazing! I can't even believe that I'm only 106 views shy of 42,000 since I started this journey 3.5 months ago. The skype dates, the emails, the letters and cards, the texts, calls and bbms, the care packages, the visits, the events, the facebook posts and messages. They've been my rock. They are what keep me positive and excited and in a weird way, safe. If I've forgotten to respond to some, I promise its the chemo brain. It really hates me. But I've gotten the well wishes and am soooo grateful!

I have 4 weeks left in New Jersey. I have people I want to see while I'm down here and things I want to do before I go home. So there may be some fun posts to come, sort of like in the beginning. No alcohol involved yet because my body is still in recovery mode. (I'm still craving that Extra dirty kettle one martini with extra olives, or a Ceasar, or frozen margarita. HMMMM yum).

I'm going out with one of my girlfriends this weekend- we're going to paint pottery because I'm such a bad@$$. I'm so excited I can't even handle it.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire next week with mom and the seestor and Jakk attack! (I actually may reread the first two books one more time before we go because I've already forgotten. Chemo brain is really coming at me with a vengeance.)

Hopefully I'll get to one more Eagles game, preferably one where we win because I'm starting to think I'm bad luck and would like to feel good juju vibes.

Oh and I'm absolutely going to try and go to some yoga. Yesterday morning, because I hadn't slept all night, I thought about going to the morning class. Keywords: thought. about. it. I even looked at the schedules. Baby steps. Who knows, next time I might get dressed and the time after that may even think about it, get dressed and then actually go!

So first things first on the normalcy agenda: stop being a night owl. Clearly I'm so excited to get back to work at the bars that I'm already on the sleep schedule required for working at them.

Then once I'm awake during the day, school work. I've started a little bit.

Yay! Just good things to come! I can feel it!

4 Weeks. 4 Weeks. 4 Weeks.

PET Scan Results Live, Then Off To Maroon 5

What a day... I feel like this is becoming a recurring start to most of my entries but this actually takes the cake.

So, once again I woke up to my mum "WE HAVE TO GO!" Ok right, lets boogie. We picked up my dad, and headed to the hospital. Now I love my mum, but my dad almost had a heart attack with her driving.

"Has she been drinking?" -"Nope, just a normal day with mum behind the wheel :) "

We were off to get the results of my PET scan. We did the scan to determine whether or not the cancer was localized or had spread to my lungs, kidneys, bladder and any other organs that one might not exactly want to have cancer in. Well, I wont leave you in suspense... that much longer. As we waited in the office, I'm extremely impatient, I did some tricep dips (My trainer would be so proud). I didn't like the fact that my arms weren't as sore as they were last week when I was training super hard. My dad snickered

"If I had have showed her that she would have laughed at me and said 'Yeah right' but because Alex MADE her do it, now its her fav."

I was like

"Well Duh, Alex knows her $#!%".

I then went to go into plank position but both parentals interjected immediately! Apparently doing plank in a denim skirt with barely there skivies is just not "appropriate" for an office that had nuns the day before. Fine!


We were then ushered into Dr. D's office and on his screen were the scans. It was so cool, way more in depth than an X-Ray and it was my entire body. There was an actual skeleton on the screen. I mean I always knew I had one inside me somewhere but seeing it, and knowing it was mine: creepy. I have some good looking hip bones, I think, yoga hip openers paid off. I looked at Dr. D and asked,

"Is my spine crooked, is that why I'm having back pain?"

He said,

"No, well, hmmm maybe a little bit but I don't think its anything to be concerned about."

-Well thats reassuring. SO, we sat down.

"SO the good news is, there is no cancer in the lungs, kidneys or liver. Basically it has not spread anywhere extreme. However, we do think it has spread to the lymph nodes. We cannot be certain with out a biopsy, so more surgery is required."

Ok, so it's spread, but it may not be a bad thing. He explained that from glucose and well other stuff, I can't remember, that they could have lit up, and may not actually be cancerous. Ugh, so another unknown. Another thing, I have to wait for to understand. Time to book surgery #1. Surgery tomorrow will be an E.U.A. according to doctor talk, and for us humans it stands for Examination. Under. Anesthesia. Basically they are going in to carefully examine my bowl, rectum, bladder and all those other super attractive body parts. They want to make sure the scan didn't miss anything and are going to biopsy anything they find including my lymph nodes (this isn't tomorrow's surgery but will be a future one, because apparently it is slightly invasive). Dr. D also talked to us about potentially removing, or "retracting" in doctor talk, the tumor and my lymph nodes. So I would get a super cute scar that looks like I had a C-Section on my lower abdomen. Well isn't this a twisted joke, I get to look like I had kids, but don't get to have them. -_-

Dr. D continued about testing to see how well my ovaries are functioning, because it would potentially be a good idea to just remove them, to prevent ovarian cancer. Lady bits misbehaving has been the understatement of the year. So tomorrow's surgery is just number one. Next week will be the surgery for all of the "retractions". To be honest, I left Dr. D's office feeling just as confused as when I walked in. I just didn't understand. I know we need more information, to make informed decisions but I just feel like so many what ifs, keep popping up. The variables are unlimited which make the treatment possibilities endless and I was never good at math so this was just getting way to complicated. I just wanted to know, when we were going to start treatment. Was it going to work? When can I get back to my life?

We went to book our pre-admission testing appointment. As we were sitting there filling out the paper work, it hit me. It was as if a ten pound boulder had just been dropped on to my lower back. I keeled over and winced in excruciating pain. My back had given out before, but nothing like this. I fell off the chair onto all fours just trying to find a position to make it stop. The tears that I refuse to shed started to well up and it wouldn't stop. My mum and dad finished the paperwork, while I finally lifted my self back into my chair. (Thank god for those tricep dips.) I sat there as stoically as I could while all I really wanted to do was crawl in my bed and snuggle Dexter. Of course we had left my percs at home. Dr. D popped his head out and asked if I had my percs, but then added a quick

"Just so you know I'm not that old ::with a wink::"

and played "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5. I was going to the concert later that night and that was just further confirmation that Dr. D was the doc for me. I loved it. I mean with his super busy day, he squeezes me in, AND has time to look up Maroon 5 on his phone and proceed to play it for me. Top Shelf right there!

So we left and were walking to the pre-admission testing, my dad was carrying my longchamp bag, which matched his shorts perfectly I might add. I kept thinking about my back, someone joked about a brace and legit the scene from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion popped into my head. The one where the popular girls put magnets on her back brace. Great, I'm going to be one hot magneto. Just in case you haven't seen the movie here's the clip.

We went to the pre admission testing so they could prep me for tomorrows surgery. The wait seemed never ending. I laid on a couch and the only thing they on the tv was infomercials. You have GOT to be kidding me. My dad was entranced with the baby giant ladder and the baby giant ladder EXTREME. He was hooked.

"Its the only ladder you'll EVER need!"

It did look pretty cool but still. Then the nutri bullet, I wanted that. Maybe I would actually drink spinach, I mean it liquifies it. After about an hour of infomercials we finally got to go into our appointment. Right before I had gotten a sammy, pretzel bread is SO good. Just saying. Damn- carbs for the day.

Once inside the room, I got weighed, had blood drawn, etc. My dad also weighed himself where he proceeded to talk about the ten pounds he needs to lose. It was adorable. The nurse went over her list of questions. It was annoying but protocol. However this is where is got fun, for me anyway. She went over meds, medical history, random questions: my personal fav

"Do you have any trouble swallowing?"

- hahahah

"Nope, none at all"

::Huge quirky smile:: that everyone could not understand. I mean really? That was just too easy. She then went on to tell me how I need to come dressed tomorrow with no metal. Goodbye belly button ring and grad ring for the day, and to wear comfy clothes. Since my surgery was down below I asked if I could leave a sports bra on, because

"These puppies need to be restrained."

She then went on to say how I couldn't eat after midnight. My dad then asked.

"If her surgery isn't until the afternoon, can she really not eat after midnight?"

The nurse replies with a quick "Nope, nothing." Where I quickly added,

"F#@%, I'm going to be a cranky B!%@#"

and nurse for the win:

"Hmmm then we'll have to have YOU restrained, screw the puppies."

So the lovely anesthesia doc came in to do his work. "What are you having done tomorrow?"

"Well, I'm having my $#!% checked out."

... The doc, clearly shock in his eyes, looked down at his papers, looked up again, and then looked down again and let out an "Uhhh Oh." My dad thinking this is hilarious pipped in,

"No seriously, she's having her $#!% checked out."

My mom feeling bad by this point finally explained what was going on, because luckily she speaks doctor fluently. My dad loved his zinger... hahah

"Get it because you're actually having your $#!% checked out, like literally."

We left, finally and got to head home to get ready for the concert. In the car, we talked about the appointment and how it went. It was a pretty serious convo, but I was kind of over that. So I piped in

"I don't like that we have to discuss my quality of life post surgery, I just want to know I can bang like a rabbit!"

My parents knowing me, and that this was their cue to change the subject finally did.

We started talking about Maroon 5 and the concert.

"Adam and I are going to do yoga everyday when we're married."

To which my dad decided to kill my buzz,

"isn't he with someone?"

Dad, as a hockey player would say:

"Just because there is a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score."

Clearly not understanding that Adam would NEVER leave Behati for me and that this is just some young girls dream....

"Uh wouldn't you be upset if you had someone do that to you?"

I guess I have to spell it out...

"Dad, Uh she's a Victoria's Secret model, I think she'll bounce back just fine!"

I was suddenly ten times more excited for the concert!

Pet Scans and Sex Bans

So today was interesting. My alarm went off at 7 am and my mum swooped in right on cue with "Honey did you want salmon or grilled chicken?" I was not allowed to eat after 730 and even then I was only allowed protein. Salmon it was, then I went back to sleep.

I was up at one pm and out the door by 1:30. We met my dad at South Jersey Radiology where the scan was being performed. I was ushered into a tiny room with a hospital recliner chair. Not to be confused with a lazy boy, these things are plastic and green. A lazy boy would have been a nice surprise. I was only allowed to bring one parent in with me, which to be honest made me a little upset. I had one Valium on board, and although it wasn't even touching me (I have a high tolerance), I was less than impressed. I brought my mom in just because she used to be a nurse. I wanted both parents.

I was told I had to drink this god awful stuff called barium. I had three choices but went with mocha-chino. Regardless they would have sucked.

"I don't even drink milk, how in the hell am I supposed to get this down, I wish I had have brought a beer bong."

It was AWFUL. I just kept telling myself with every sip:

"This is a shot a cute boy bought you, and he just has really bad taste in shots but you like him so don't be rude."

I had a nurse put in an I.V. and she was actually really good. I have difficult veins so I was impressed. My dad got to come in and wish me luck but no one was allowed to be around me because they were about to inject a radioactive dye, so we said our good byes and I got to recline in the wannabe lazy boy.

I had two magazines, a book, my ipod and journal. I thought it would be funny to listen to the song "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons while they injected it, so I did. I laughed to myself. The nurse left the room because I had to sit alone for an hour while everything spread through my body. This just sounds SO healthy for me -_-

So I read Cosmo...

Usually my favorite thing to do EVER, now reading about sex and relationships makes me sad. I mean first off, its been a while... (Ok a long while) since I've had someone to engage in this form of exercise with. (What can I say, I'm picky.) I've always said it takes a lot of work to get there with me, but once you do, it's well worth the wait. But, now I worry. I mean I have a form of cancer that I'm not even sure what it is yet, in the most intimate of places. How will this affect me and my romantic future?

Lets go back... I used to have an irrational fear of dating (maybe still do) because I am a traditional romantic at heart. I was once broken up with by someone I considered to be the love of my life because and I quote

"I love you, but I don't know if I can ever be in love with you because I want kids and that is just something you cannot give me."

(Yes the chance of my having kids is almost zero with the amount of treatment I've had in the past.) So now, how do I start over with this added affliction? It's not like I don't want kids, I do, but I became ok with the fact that there are only so many things I am capable of a long time ago. Also, how many kids need fantastic homes? A lot, and I know how much I love my cat... so trust me I can give that love to a child. (Yes I did just compare loving a cat to a child, but bare with me- I'm trying to get my point across.) Its stupid, because a relationship should be based on the connection with the other person, not what they can potentially give you. How many times do you see people who married just because they wanted kids so badly and needed the other person's plumbing, but then they resent each other and end up being not so great parents because they don't really love the other person. But I developed this fear early on: that I couldn't give a man what he is biologically driven to want, so I'll be a write off right away. It really brings the quote from the movie, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" into focus because I feel that it describes how I feel and maybe have been feeling. It clearly describes why I have these impenetrable walls up:

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

So relationships are based on a multitude of things but lets be honest, one of the main components: sex.
So back to sex: How do I know that someone is someone I can trust and will be patient with me. It's not like I'll just be able to jump back in the saddle. I'm actually going to have to date the old fashioned way. Make them fall in love with me (and obviously vice versa) before we get intimate because that is going to be like losing my virginity all over again. (Yes I know this is how it should be anyway). How am I supposed to know that it will go ok. What if it doesn't, there is going to have to be a huge level of trust and understanding there. If the dating world wasn't already difficult enough, it just got a lot more complicated.

"Uh Hi, yea so my pooter hasn't exactly been behaving in the last year, sooo we may want to skip anything to do with that, and if we don't well I can't guarantee that it will be peachy keen, sooo hope you're now really turned on and excited!"

So how does this all tie together. I was waiting for my scan, reading cosmo, and the article about sex came up. Normally I would dive right in, but I just couldn't. My Valium clouded mind started racing, I've now had two at this point. Over my past loves, my present crushes and my future hopes for what could and may not be. Having cancer doesn't define me, but it is a huge part of who I am. It will take a lot for someone to realize that there is me, and then there is what has shaped me, and although I want nothing more than to feel normal, I am not a normal situation. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a huge metal machine, radioactive fluids pulsing through your veins while you're unable to move for a half an hour. All you have at that point is your mind and it can be your worst enemy.

I've always been one to do things for me and focus on me. But what is a life if you don't have someone to share your goals and accomplishments, successes and failures with? Where did our world go wrong in losing sight of the beauty of a partnership, friendship, and loving relationship. Why is being the power couple more important than being a couple who is so powerfully in love? How will this all affect me? Its been easy for me to not focus on it because I am career driven, but is career driven an excuse for scared?

I don't have the answers and when I got out of the scan, I had never felt more relieved. I came home and attempted going for a run. (Something I highly DO NOT recommend after barium and radioactive injections.) I took a shower, watched true blood and took a break from my thoughts. They were passing, fleeting, but they are there. Right now my fight is for me, and once I win, then I can worry about the superficiality of society and its effects on relationships and love. Until then, I have Cosmo, Vampire Eric and Vamp/Fairy Warlowe and Fifty Shades of Grey. :)

The First Consultation

I laid in bed this morning, finally in a deep sleep, entangled in sheets I muttered out a "Don't F#%$*@! Touch Me!" My sister Nat was gently rubbing my arm to wake me. It was only 7am, but I had insisted the night before that we WILL be the first in the office this morning. I am not a morning person and so I was instantly regretting that decision. Clearly my parentals were on to something when they said 9am but I wasn't having that at the time.

We met up with my dad and made it to the hospital. Conveniently I remembered exactly where his office was in the metropolis of office buildings within Lankenau hospital. Some days I can't remember what color my underwear is, but show me to somewhere I've been before, even if it was years ago... and I'll figure it out, I'm very visual.

While exiting the car, my back gave out. Its a crippling pain that shoots right at the base of my spine where it connects to my pelvis. It happens randomly, like one time at work, that was pleasant. I dropped my longchamp and curdled over. I'm not one to cry, contrary to my first post, so I walked it off, or tried too, but the pain was unbearable. This was the first omen that this day was real and the pain was just the beginning.

We got into the office and I was ushered right in. I brought my mom in with me and felt bad leaving my sister and dad in the waiting room, but this was a girls moment. It was a pelvic exam and I figured I would spare my dad. Told to undress and put my feet up in oven mitts,

"The only time I want to be in a position like this is if I'm reenacting a scene from 50 shades."

The nurse laughed. Dr.D came in and started the examination. He had a teaching student with him and in true Courtney fashion I said just to eliminate the silence

"You might as well get right up in there and learn something."

It was the most uncomfortable exam thus far. Its not like leukemia, because you have a doctor all up in your nether regions. When I say nether regions... I mean legit, ALL. UP. IN. THERE... ALL of it. (I'll leave out the details, I'm sure you get the point.) We were then told to meet him in his office.

After he walked out the door, I looked at my mum and said "I was just anally assaulted."

I brought my mum and dad and we sat.

"So I'm going to confirm what the biopsy already said, that I do believe this is cervical cancer. I am inclined to think that this is localized but we need to do a P.E.T. scan to make sure the cancer has not spread. We will follow that up with another consultation and then get into the O.R. as soon as possible. With anesthesia, we can look deeper and make sure there is nothing else we are missing. Once that is finished we can conduct a plan of action to begin radiation and chemotherapy treatments."

Granted this is paraphrased but this is also all I really remember. So what I'm hearing, I thought to myself, is that I have to have a scan thing, a surgery, and then radiation and chemo. Ok, well... I've done this before. Not the radiation but how bad can it be, as I felt my stomach knotting. Dr. D also talked about getting someone to talk too. With all I've been through he said he had no doubt that I was strong but that it would be in my best interest to just have someone there to talk too. This was the moment I knew he was the perfect doctor for me. He was not just concerned about my case, but he was concerned about me as a person. That's what I have always said differentiates the good doctors from the great ones; realizing the patient is a person. Yes! I do believe I'm an expert on that.

"Will I lose my hair? ::Question number one, I just blurted it out:: "I have a job interview on Wednesday for what is potentially the first step on the ladder to my dream career, so do I need to withdraw my application?" ::The questions just began pouring out of me:: "How long will I be here?"

As I was sitting in the office, and my parents were asking questions it was like a scene from the movie "A Beautiful Mind". The words were just floating in the air like letters in alphabet soup across the room. The sentences just kept flowing from their mouths but I was fixated on, "Wow, this IS really happening again."

We walked out of the room and my sister was waiting ready to go with hysterical remarks. Of course if you can picture it, we were in an Ob/GYN office with four other patients waiting for their turn. All over the age of 65. This actually relaxed me, "Well at least Dr. D gets a break with my pooter compared to the majority of his other patients." Definitely one of my classier moments. ::not ashamed, ok a little but it made me feel better::

My sister naturally began to ask questions and my language was .... how I would describe as less than lady like. Then of course I looked to my right and noticed that one of the ladies was a nun. As if I wasn't being punished already, a little old nun, who was checking the phillies scores was being forced to hear my vulgar language. I can just picture God or some deity shaking his head, but lets be honest hopefully laughing. "OMG I didn't know nuns liked baseball!" Natalie was choking back laughs.
"Well nat, it is America's favorite past time."

While all of this was taking place my mum and dad were booking the scan for the following day. The doctor ordered sedatives for the scan, because anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I can't sit still. I would bounce off walls if I could. He also ordered some percs for my back. (Yup I'm continuing to write on pain meds. I said unedited... anything could happen.) My dad was highly against this idea, because ... well I'm getting there. Something about the way my sister was making me giggle, the helpless feelings that have engulfed me lately, and having my parents book doctors appointments for me, made me feel like a little girl again. For a moment I felt safe.

We were finally on our way out and my sister started to describe her favorite story of me while on pain meds during my last transplant.

"So I was sitting down stairs and all I heard was a Thud duh dunmp up stairs. I walk up to find Courtney staggering like a weeble wobble down the hall- "I'm Ok". She was clearly not ok, She was like Courtney Love on one of her good days, which really isn't saying much. I think that may have been the night she also thought it was a good idea to tattoo herself. She wrote all over herself in pen. It was like Kat Von D had a seizure while tattooing her. She managed to give herself a temporary tramp stamp. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. Long story short, Court's hilarious all hopped up."

Well thanks for that vote of confidence Natter. We got in the car and my dad drove with Natalie navigating. I crawled in the back and laid out with my head on my mums lap. My brain had no more energy left to even laugh at my dad and sisters jokes which included something about kids on a leash. Who doesn't laugh at kids on a leash? Finally, I faded out.

We went for lunch and then off to repeat the misplaced blood work to test to make sure my leukemia hasn't returned. Nothing like waiting for those results as well. Dr. D said he believes these are unrelated and this is an isolated cancer and not a byproduct of my APML. That was very reassuring. So now we wait.

My P.E.T. scan is booked for tomorrow. Vicodin is ready to go, its a few hours for the scan. Bachelorette finale was tonight and it was everything I wanted! TEAM CHRIS! Still not real to me yet, but we're getting there.