F.O.M.O.

F.O.M.O. = Fear Of Missing Out =Story of my life!

This weekend sucks for me. It's Queen's Homecoming. The first in a few years, because well, Queen's gets a little rowdy. It's also Spanky's (The bar I work at in Peterborough) H.O.T.T.Oberfest! Lets get this straight, anyone who knows me knows I LOVE LOVE LOVE dressing up. Like not just a little bit but I have a whole costume box with everything you could imagine. Think Tupperware, the size of a bath tub. I'm missing both this weekend.

Part of me thought maybe I'd throw my lederhosen on to walk around the house so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. But realistically that wont make up for the fact I'm not where I want to be, at all.

My Instagram has been flooded with pics of the fun activities this weekend. I don't know whether or not they're making me feel better because I can see whats going on or worse for what I'm missing out on. Queen's too, because there are so many people I havent seen in a few years now, and it would be SO nice to see them, and even better all decked out in tricolor.

On the plus side.

My ReBirthday is Monday. My mother was feeling so guilty for not doing anything with me, to which I kept replying,

"Mom there really isn't that much for us to do."

Going home to visit Peterborough would actually have been the only thing I would have wanted to do, but I wouldn't have been able to attend the things I wanted too, I just wouldn't have had the energy. I think being in the town, where I'm missing out on things is worse than being in a far away place.

But fear not, we devised the best possible ReBirthday celebration. We're going to New York. Only a few hours away, and I can't even wait. We got a hotel thanks to my moms Marriott Points. (I guess thats an advantage to her job and flying all over the country.) We're going to see "Book Of Mormon." Which I've heard amazing things about. I can't even wait. We convinced my sister to come because its written by the writers of South Park and so therefore it's worthy of her humor.

I can't wait because I'm going to wear a pretty dress! (Maybe even prettier shoes- I told my mum, if I am going to get a birthday present, then I want really pretty heels.) We're going to go to dinner and the show and then slumber party in the hotel. Two words- Pillow. Fights! I'm absolutely ordering room service!

I can't explain it, but this is the best possible scenario, like I don't think I could have thought up a better night. My mom rocked on this one. Who knows, maybe we'll find a MAC store and go get our make up done too!

Finally, something to look forward too. This is perfect because as of yesterday and today, I'm starting to feel better. I have to have a nurse come to the house to give me fluids and we think thats helping. It sucks having to get I.V.s every other day, but it beats dehydration.

EEEEK I'm just so excited I can't even handle it!

*Meant to Post this a couple of days ago... however rereading it, and having had last night happen... OOOOH So many funny stories to tell! :D

Happy ReBirthday to Me, I'll be 5 Years Leukemia Free

This coming Monday is October 7th. When people would ask me when my birthday was, depending on the day I would answer one of two ways. Cinco De Mayo- May 5th or my Re-Birthday October 7th. It would just depend on the day because a lot of the time I didn't want to acknowledge my real birthday considering I relapsed twice on it, to the day. When it comes to birthdays there are the big milestone birthdays- 13-16-18-19(in Canada)-20-21(In the Us)-25-30-40. Well when it comes to your Re-Birthday, 5 is the big one. 5 years post transplant and you're considered "cured". This Monday is my 5th rebirthday and now I can't really be excited because I'm fighting a different kind of cancer.

I've been dreaming of this birthday since I was 16, since the very first time I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Dreaming of the day I could say

"I've finally hit 5 years I'm technically cured!"

I kept relapsing at 2 years so I never got the opportunity to celebrate it. Now, ten years later from my initial diagnosis of cancer and I'm four days away...FINALLY! I should be ecstatic, I should be thrilled, but I'm... crushed. Dreaming of this birthday I had pictured the sweet 16 I never got, or the 21st, I barely got. For my 21st birthday, I spent it with one of my best friends in a town I'd never been to before with people I was meeting for the first time. All because I was freshly single from a bad breakup and he got to keep all the friends back home. God Bless J, and her roommates who took me in and gave me an amazing 21st. I had an amazing time, I really did. Still, it was a lonely one. I got to spend it with J, but I missed my friends back home too. Wishing I had all the people I loved and cared about and that they were as excited about something as I was for something that meant a lot to me. I had J, my best friend since the 3rd grade, and honestly with out her, I can't imagine what I would have done. She was the only one who made me feel like she cared. The only one! Plus her roommates were Awesome!

Some people say Birthdays are not a big deal, whatever its another year... but I resent that. Its another year of life, that you are being blessed with to live. You shouldn't only celebrate your own, you should celebrate those of the people you care about, because they too are being blessed with another year to live. Oprah once said something along the lines of 'Celebrating your birthdays are important because if you don't, one day you'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where the time went.'

Expectation leads to disappointment. So I've really lowered my expectations as far as birthdays come and men too, but thats a whole other blog post. I find them to be the loneliest times of the year. This past birthday was my big 25, and honestly, although I had the best time, there was a constant reminder how certain friends, are really just surface friends. I spent it with my Dad and his girlfriend, work friends (because they were working) and just a few other close friends. One whom I had just met a few months earlier. One who was a friend from school, who is just the BEST! A lot of my new friends as far as the customers and regulars from work were there too, but they would have been at the bar regardless. My point, if you were to ask me to make a list of my closest friends, not a single one was there. Yes some of them had very good excuses. Some live far away. Some had other commitments. Some- I wasn't able to make theirs and it goes both ways. But it doesn't change the fact that it was... lonely. If you look at the pictures, or were there you're probably thinking

"Umm it seemed like you had a pretty good time to me?"

I did, don't get me wrong, but that's because I was tipsy, ok slightly inebriated, the people that were there, really stepped up for barely knowing me, and one of my best qualities is I can have fun anywhere. A situation is what you make of it, and although I was hurt, I wasn't going to let that ruin my night, so I made it awesome!

So dreaming of my 5th Rebirthday, because really its the biggest milestone I have yet, I have no expectations. I had such high hopes for this day. I wanted my mom AND dad there. I wanted friends who were from out of town to come, no excuses, (realistically though I understood if they were further than a few hours away). I wanted family (Well really just a few cousins and one cool aunt.) My Grandmother (for the record, I only have one- Funk Master T or Grandmas Tiny). My sister. I wanted all the people who had helped me pull through all the bull$#!% of the three bouts with leukemia. Heck if I could have invited some of the medical personnel from CHOP I would have. I wanted it to be a celebration, not just about me, but about life. About people who support each other, and love each other. My donor, Frank, who is a god given angel. I wanted a big cake, and not just a whatever cake but an actual carrot cake with really pretty decorations... i.e. Britney maybe lol. There was one birthday I was slightly hurt because all I wanted was a carrot cake but that detail had been overlooked, not important.

Maybe this is why I want to be an event planner so bad. So I can throw the parties for people and make sure they're wonderful in every aspect. I can't control the people who go or how they act, but I damn well can make sure everything else is perfect.

I don't want people to think that I've never had a good birthday, real or Rebirthday, because some have been AMAZING! I had one in Kingston I'll never forget. I had two dresses for it. One for dinner with the girls and the other for the bar. It was this white strapless dress and I had so much fun I couldn't even handle it. When I look back, that was one of the best. My Third Rebirthday was pretty great too!

There was another one, I think it was my 20th. It was at my cottage and I had made a beer pong table that was ridiculous. Everyone one of my Canadian friends that I loved and cared about was there. It was so much fun. My school friends, my cottage friends, my family friends- it was right after we had found out I relapsed the second time. It was my birthday/going away party. I felt so loved and it was the perfect time because I was devastated I was sick again. But for that night, I didn't feel sick. I didn't think about the terror that was upon me, or the fact that my summer wasn't going to happen, I felt loved and had so much fun with people I cared so much about!

These birthdays arn't about the presents they're about the presence. The presence of love and the people you care about and the reciprocation, them showing they care and love you too. That's why I HATE Christmas and love Thanksgiving. Think about it, its the same holiday, minus the presents and therefore the pressure. You're with your family, you eat Turkey and you watch football. Same concept, minus the greed.

So where does this leave me and my bday. I could look at this from the angle of a 8 year old child being whiney about not getting a birthday party. But thats not whats happening here, and if anyone thinks it is, they don't appreciate what I've been through and how big this is for me or anyone like me having gone through a similar situation.

I've had leukemia THREE times. I've lost my hair, I've ingested toxic chemicals to basically kill me to bring me back to life with the bone marrow of a stranger. I've missed out on A LOT. I think I'm allowed to get excited over the fact that I'm about to be 5 years leukemia free.

However, with that being said, its kind of hard. I'm stuck in New Jersey and most of my friends and family are in Canada. Also, even if I wanted to celebrate, I have the energy level of a rock. I don't know if I could eat carrot cake or would even enjoy it for that matter since food is my enemy. (Except Brio, for some reason their chopped salad and penne bolognese has been something my stomach can handle... weird.) How am I supposed to celebrate a milestone that is about being Cancer Free when I'm battling a different type of cancer. Now I've never totally understand the proper context for this word, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly what Irony is. Celebrating being cancer free for one type of cancer but having another.

So this makes me feel like this milestone is obsolete. Now, I'm just going to have to wait another 5 years to celebrate being pooter cancer free. I've missed out on enough in my life, I'm sure I can handle something else I've been excited about.
So my take away for this. Celebrate your birthdays, and those of the people you care about. You're celebrating life. It doesn't have to and shouldn't be about the presents but the Presence. For me, I'll be watching the voice on Monday night with my mom and sis, and I'm excited about that. Because although there will be no hoopla, I'm 5 years past what was literally a torturous part of my life. Moving away from that to move towards the life I'm ready to start living.

PCR Results and "Friendly" Food For Thought....

So the last few days have been simple. Friday I slept and recovered from all of the commotion of the E.U.A. on Thursday. Nothing too exciting. My dad left to go back to Canada, which sucked. I felt bad because I didn't get to say goodbye. It made sense, coming all the way over to our house, which is in the opposite direction, just to wake me up to say good bye would have gone over as how my dad would say "Like a fart in church." Haha So although I didn't get to say goodbye, I got a call as soon as he was in Canada.

The good thing that came out of Friday was I finally got my PCR results. A PCR is the genetic blood test to check to make sure my leukemia is not back. With my type of leukemia gene's 15 and 17 translocate, basically they switch spots. So think of it like this, when I'm healthy my gene's would go in order... 13/14/15/16/17/18 but when I have leukemia they are like this 13/14/17/16/14/18. Long story short- NO LEUKEMIA!!!! This was huge news because it will really dictate how we approach treatment. It also means my donor from my last transplant is actually an Angel, because his bone marrow is working wonders and keeping me healthy! Thank you Frank! I'm going to make it to my 5 year ReBirthday after all :)

Yesterday, I went to the movies with the fam. We went and saw "We're the Millers". It was funny. The exciting thing was the movie theater. The seats were recliner chairs and they were SO comfy! It wasn't just a movie it was an experience.

We got home from the movie and lunch and I pretty much went to bed. My back has not been my friend lately. I did however take the time to plan with with one of my besties J, about the concert we're going to tonight. Someone close to me happens to be acquaintances with one of the wives of Matchbox 20, and were able to get me tickets. It was the coolest, just waking up to a text, "You have 4 tickets to the show on Sunday" :) Once again this goes back to the whole idea of having something to get excited about.

I'm stuck in my house, not working and feeling shitty. I am the same girl who less than a week ago was working 2 bar jobs, which worked out to 6 nights a week, volunteered with the Canadian Cancer Society, trained at the gym three days a week sometimes 4 days, was working on a job interview for a dream like job position, AND was in school. Talk about feeling like you've lost it all, I went from not having a second to actually sit down and actually eat a meal to basically having more time than I know what to do with, and I'm a girl who likes to be busy. That is another reason this blog has been so helpful for me personally. So when I have something to get excited about, I sure as hell do and I'm grateful as hell for it!

Its interesting talking about losing things, because people, you can lose people in this process too, but you can gain them as well. When your world turns upside down, its the people you don't expect who step up, and the one's you thought who would who don't. Well, some people you expect do, but normally its a surprise. I can honestly say, I've lost one good friend. Sometimes, people are too caught up in themselves to see the bigger picture. They just don't understand, that there are so many bigger things to be worrying about than stupid miscommunications, grudges and drama. In moments like this in your life, you have a lot of time for self reflection, and you realize whats trivial and not worthy of your energy. I don't have time for the negativity in my life. I don't have time for drama, and blowing things out of proportion, which is sad because it equates to me losing those negative friends. Holding grudges is so immature, life is too short. Especially as evidenced by this, it could be gone in a split second, its precious too, so don't take people for granted. Appreciate gestures, no matter how small, because as cliche as it sounds, its the thought that counts and in this day in age, the fact that someone is thinking about you at all, should be enough.

I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm not. I'm sure I get upset over trivial things, but I always make sure to remind myself to step back and take a look at what the real issue is. Its sad really how true colors show, but I would rather see them now then waste anymore time. I once heard a rumor about me, that a coworker had said. Basically the gist of the story is that a customer had said to her

"Oh that new girl is so sweet!"

And my co worker responded with

"Ya, if you like that kind of person who HAS to be nice to and friends with everybody."

At first I was so hurt by this, because I don't HAVE to be nice to or friends with everybody, I WANT to be. Why? Simply because what will I gain by not being nice or friendly, nothing good. Who am I to make anyone feel bad about themselves and therefore why wouldn't I want to be nice and friendly with everyone. I then thought about her words again and realized, this was a compliment, a backhanded one, but a compliment none the less, because if thats the absolute WORST she could say about me, then I'm not doing too bad. The world is a better place when people are nicer to other people. That pay-it-forward Coke commercial gets me every time! My point is, when you're faced with trials and tribulations, people's true colors show, and although you may not like what you see, don't let it bring you down, but let it be a reminder of what you don't want to be, so that in your own small way, you can better the world by being a better person.

On the plus side, some people have really surprised me. One person, who I thought would run for the hills scared, has actually been a huge support system (Which has been an AWESOME surprise, no seriously I'm grinning from ear to ear). Two of my best friends, are still my best friends and reminding me why they are everyday, even while visiting BC and being stuck in Kingston. They've legit just been the best and I'm so lucky to have them, in fact, I don't know what I would do with out them. People I've never met have reached out, people I've lost touch with, people who I didn't see eye to eye with. I get asked a lot how I stay so positive and its not something I'm choosing to do, I just am. I am though because I'm filled with a spirit full of love that I've received from my support systems.

Supporting someone going through something like this, doesn't have to be difficult. They just need to know that they can call you to vent if need be. They need to know you DO care and are not just going through the motions. That's the difference. A lot of this process makes you feel removed and withdrawn from life, so when your friends send you updates and make you still feel included and missed, that's like gold! There's nothing worse than feeling forgotten. I'm so lucky to have a support network larger than life. Including this sexy man....

So as this journey continues, I'll say it again, it's not necessarily what people say to you, its how they make you feel. Switch that around too, and think about how you want to make someone feel today, aim to make one person smile, and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself. I am feeling so blessed, thank you!

One last side note, I'm not the only one dealing with this dreadful disease. If you have a minute, please check out someone close to me who is also young and doesn't deserve to be dealing with this. She is a fighter and needs all the love and support she can get as well! This is her website here http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/for-robyn-with-love/65421