Awkward Moments (VERY Rated R post)

Standing in line waiting for the cashier to ring up the guy in front of me, I nervously looked around and for the first time was impatient as ever. Usually I'm totally cool with chatty chashiers. I was one of them, once upon a blue moon. It can be boring standing there. The little old man in front of me who I usually would have considered adorable was slowly counting out his change and I continued to glance nervously around the store. WHY of all days was this taking so long. It was a health food store, I could just imagine the stares and thoughts in peoples heads. I got antsier by the second and began jumping around in my place, hopefully looking just cold and not like I was nervous, for really what was not a big deal. FINALLY it was my turn. I place the goods on the little thingy and the cashier had to roll them around for the bar code. UGH, really? REALLY? Then she asked me about their rewards program, to save money. OOH I like saving money! But how long would this take because people are going to walk in the door and line up behind me and see what I was buying. Flashbacks were popping in my head of the one word she could say that would crush me. This had to be the most uncomfortable situation ever.

It was official, buying prenatal vitamins is just as awkward as buying condoms.

The flashback of the last time,

"Congratulations"

The cashier was just being polite, but I wasn't preggo, not even close. I didn't even bother to correct her, because explaining why this is the biggest oxymoron of life would take about the length of the average human gestation time. But really, buying prenatal vitamins when you can't get pregnant, it seems cruel in a sense. However, they're exactly the type of vites I need. Plus they help my hair and nails grow- BONUS!

So when I finally walked out of the store, vitamins tucked safely away in my bag, I could breath again. I mean can't a girl just want pretty hair, nails and skin with out having to worry about the stigma attached from assumptions made from one single purchase. But in all reality I was more so mad at myself, because really, who the heck cares. These people don't know me. It's the little reminders that take you out of your world and pull you back down to remind you that you're just a small fish in a big pond, not the fisherman, who every fish is aware of.

Where am I going with this... oh right. Assumptions and judgements. Never assume anything, never judge anyone. You're just opening up the door to have it come right back to you. However awkward moments are becoming the story of my life.

It's no secret with cervical cancer that there is some "rehabilitation" involved after the radiation. For full details see blog post "Accepting Applications" (Or Click Here) but the coles notes goes like this. Radiation makes the lady bits smaller, tighter and all around virginal. This may sound like a loosey gooseys dream but I'm not exactly a goose and forgive the over kill but was already smaller to begin with. (Hello pediatric speculum... awkward)

When my doctor told me there would be an 80% chance I could have sex again, I think I actually choked on the air I was supposedly supposed to subconsciously be able to breathe.

"Um what about the other 20%, I'm only 25."

Screw infertility, this is my sex life you're now messing with. My questions/comments at every appointment usually consisted of something along the lines of

"Well I can't bone if I'm not alive! When can I bone again? What are the prospects of a healthy sex life doc?"

The answer always involved a vaginal dilator. Well ummm ok, that sounds fun and dandy... not. My one doc was finally straight up with me...

"You know, it will work just as well and probably be more fun to just go and get some sex toys."

SOLD! To the doc who realized I am supposed to be just entering my sexual prime! AdamandEve.com and I have become close personal acquaintances. KY jelly is my new best friend. Let the rehabbing begin :D

So- this seems like an easy solution right? I mean orgasms are directly linked to lessening stress. (Semen is reportedly linked to alleviating depression but thats a whole other convo I don't want to 'spew' on about right now that clearly doesn't apply. ::laughing so hard, so proud of that one::) SO where does the problem lay? I mean I like orgasms, I'm well aware of what this rehab involves, I have all the necessary tools.... Oh right I live with my parents. -_-

Vibrators arn't quiet. It's a fact. We also have a dog who loves to sleep with me, and then there is Dexy who I would never not allow in my room. I'm being rehab cockblocked by my pets and parents. My future sex life is resting upon 8 paws and parentals. This has to be some sick joke.

Options... #1 well shut my door. You would think right? The layout of the house has the master bedroom and my bedroom separated by only a small bathroom. Also, we're a tight knit family, who is not opposed to barging in. Plus the animals get separation anxiety from me. (But yes, yes I do shut my door.)

#2 Wait till no one is home, WHY is this surprisingly rare? They both work, a lot! They both have friends and lives and yet... ::Palm to shaking forehead:: it seems like an impossible scenario.

I'm actually about to go pull a highschool and take my car up to look out point for a little alone time. (Not that I've ever done that........) Moving on.

#3 The bathroom... umm what am I a dude? Plus its right next to the master.

Realistically these are a lot of excuses that can be overcome, but I think it comes down to the fact, I'm having trouble mentally getting over the fact that I'm .... pleasuring myself in my parents home. Everybody masturbates. If you don't you're a straight up liar... but really, why can't I get over it. I've even tried looking at it differently.

"This is not masturbation, this is rehabilitation."

Maybe it's a glaring respect issue, because I would never have sex while the rentals are home (except for one time with an ex, but that was the shortest dog walk of life MOM!) I won't even bring boys or boyfriends to my house unless we've been dating for quite a while. But this isn't even a human, this is B.O.B. (My battery operated boyfriend) who is stashed with the guys I'm cheating on him with. (Apparently I have a few B.O.B.'s in my arsenal.) The whole point is to expand so I had to buy varying sizes, which apparently do varying things. Its like a fascinating science, I'm not even mad, I'm impressed!

Also for the record "stashed"- hiding this stuff is not easy. My mother knows which drawer to avoid, but its a little harder telling your dad

"Ummm don't look there, no seriously dad don't!"

Guys don't do subtle and he will prod with questions until he'll instantly regrets that decision.

SO lets get down to it, this is doctors orders. 3x a week for at least 20 minutes. (No seriously that's what they said.) Also, if we're taking away the sex element, it's not just so that I can have a future sex life but also so that I can get pelvic exams with out feeling like I'm giving birth. Honestly its more for the sex life.

Now for the cancer part of it, because this whole post couldn't just be... ya know. After each session I also have to insert creams. A special antibiotic of sorts because this is a painful process. It's not all fun and games. I'm prone to infection and tearing is inevitable. I also have to switch it up and occasionally insert estrogen creams to help soften the tissue making it easier to stretch. Its a messy process. Its an awkward process. My vagina and I are at war for Orgasm's which technically should make us both very happy. #ThisIsMyLife

So as far as awkward moments go, it's time to suck it up, throw on my wicked headphones, turn on some porn and give her hell. Either that or my future Plenty Of Fish tagline will be "Only Small Penis's Need Apply!"

Awkward- is now just officially the name of the game :)

T.A.F. - And The Results Are.....

"An Arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that its going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming."

The arrow has been my symbol of hope for this adventure. This speed bump has caused me to sit back, slow down, re-evaluate, and get excited. Cancer was a set back, a HUGE, sucky one. But, it put me on the launching pad to shoot forward with the rest of my life.

Sunday night, I rolled around aimlessly in bed, for hours. I couldn't sleep. I knew what Monday morning brought. 6 am... 7am... 8am... the last time check I remember was 9am. My mum woke me up at quarter to twelve and I laid in bed cursing the world. It was cold, and I didn't want to get out of bed. I finally got up, threw some real clothes on (you know as opposed to fake ones) and sat back in bed. Going through my pharmacy of medications, I created my cocktail. 1 Perc, 1 xanax, 1 Valium, 1 Ativan, 1 Codeine. Ok this should do it I thought. My mum's best friend K was visiting in town and so we got in the car and were out. I warned her, this could get interesting.
We stopped at Wawa

"Um are you able to go into Wawa?"

My mum asked. In my most offended tone-

"Mom, this stuff hasn't even touched me."

I got my biscuit (OMG I miss Tim Hortons) and we were really off. My tolerance is really too high.

We got to the hospital and didn't have to wait long in the waiting room. A, the nurse, took me back to get my vital signs and all I was excited about was the fact my weight had stayed the same. Hey, its the small victories Then off to the cow oven mitts room.

I stripped, knee socks matching the cow mitts which very much excited me. Sheet on top and ready to wait for the doc. I quickly popped a dilaudid while on the table, my anxiety was rising faster than the mercury in a thermometer in a heat wave.

So, the meds and why I knew I needed to be sedated. If all went well today, Dr. D was going to remove the "thing" inside me. Said thing is a device that was surgically implanted to help Dr. D2 during the high dose radiation. The device helped him to guide the tools that would be inserted to get the radiation beam to go exactly where he needed it too, and to help protect the healthy surrounding tissue. It was the procedure that brought on tears each time because it was so painful and I couldn't wait to get this thing out. However, it had been surgically implanted, so I didn't expect its removal to be a piece of cake either.

Dr. D came in and got the speculum ready. It was SO painful for him to insert. This was already not going well. Any woman who has had to visit her OB/GYN knows it can be uncomfortable and awkward but painful shouldn't be on that list of adjectives. I gripped my hands together and closed my eyes and tried to breathe.
I didn't see the scissors, but hearing them, inside your lady bits, its scary as hell! They had to cut the stitches and I could hear each slice of the scissor. I kept trying to picture the Eiffle Tower with each breath, Black Christian Louboutin pumps and a sturdy gentleman and I kissing underneath France's beloved structure. It was the first image that came to mind and I kept going back to it, every time I thought I was going to faint from the sound of a slice.

I can't even describe anyone else in the room because I was on mental breathing duty. There were four or five stitches and I don't know how I wasn't shaking. Maybe I was. Finally once the stitches were cut he gently pulled out the little thing. (Which in reality wasn't that little). Normally I would have taken a pic, but it wasn't something I wanted to remember. I was tender and it hurt like hell. When everything was out he did his exam and the tiniest of movements and touches hurt. (This is not going to be good for my impending sex life.)

"You have had a complete response to the treatment."

Wait whAAAAAT? It was so refreshing to hear. It was what I needed to hear. It was to be completely honest, not what I was expecting to hear.

Flashback:
Dr. D pulled my parents aside after my first surgery months ago. The prognosis wasn't good and this was going to be one hell of a challenge.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

We went in his office to discuss and FINALLY the words I had been waiting to hear, had been said, again.

"You have had a complete response to the treatment!"

There were lots of questions but as per Courtney

"Um so when do I get to start with the vibrators and this whole vaginal dilation thing?"

- 4 weeks. UGH, the one thing I was excited about, but all good things are worth waiting for. As we were walking out of his office Dr. D said

"I was really surprised at how well you handled the procedure."

To which I confidently responded

"I'm not going lie, I'm slightly sedated."

With a smile he returned with a quick

"Thought so."

Now, am I out of the gate yet, no. BUT most likely YES! In four weeks I have to have a PET scan to check my lymph nodes. I have to wait the four weeks because all of the radiation and treatment will have caused inflammation that could lead to a false positive. It's too intense and expensive a scan to just do on a whim.
I will have one follow up appointment after that and then be done! DONE! DONE DONE DONE! (Until my next check up.)

SO where does this leave me. For the next two years I have to have a check up every three months. If there is the slightest of symptoms that something could be wrong, I have to high tail it to a doc.

HELLO PARANOIA- nice to meet you, I think we're going to be the best of friends.

After those two years, I have to have a check up every 6 months for 5 years. I have to continue hormone replacement therapy as well but that didn't surprise me. SO basically, now lots of doctors appointments for the next few years, again.

In the next four weeks we will check as well to make sure the leukemia wasn't brought on by the radiation. In the mean time and for now.

"Hey cancer- Fuck you, I WIN!"

The car ride home was a blur. I was stoned out of my mind. (Thanks meds for kicking in too late...as usual.) I remember blabbering on about salsa. We even stopped and got some. I remember passing out in the car (because I remember being woken up.) As we were walking in the door I stopped and stared at the clouds-

"Its going to snow."

Everyone was like yea ok whatever. (It snowed this morning- boom stoned weather predictions!) I tackled my sister's bff J when I walked through the door, he wasn't mad, in the slightest. I spilled vanilla scented oil all over my uggs which are not brand new, but look brand new. Just Peachy. I inhaled a quesadilla like it was my day job. I texted a few people (Oh lord I'm sorry for those conversations I can only imagine.) I had my iv fluids put in, I passed out. I woke up, had a quick skype date with one of the besties M, and then passed right back out. Writing this hasn't been easy because I'm having a drug binge hangover. But honestly, YAY! NO more painful $#!%. Or at least painful to the point of needing to be incoherent.

So its done. I did it. I'm praying that its done for good. That this will never happen to me again. Thanks for the offer but I'm completely content with 4 times. I'm ok with follow ups and check ups because I'm alive and rocking it. I still have some major recovery to go through but did I mention I did it! I've got this. As someone close to me says I'm ... no he and I BOTH are TAF! - Tough. As. F***!

SO now, reintegration back to normalcy begins! I'm ready to pull a Katniss and shoot this arrow forward that is my life! BOOM!

Surprise! Very Last Chemo... Hopefully EVER!

Chemo Surprise!

So today was a great day for surprises. I came to the hospital as usual for radiation and chemo and went through the motions like I usually would. When I went to meet Dr. D, they had quite the surprise for me, Today was my last day for chemo. Granted before I get super excited this IS contingent upon a few things. So. I have radiation for a few more weeks. Then I have surgery on October tenth for the sleeve. (I'll explain later). After that I start high dose radiation which will take two and a half weeks. I'll do a PET scan to see where we're at. If my lymph nodes look good, and I responded to the radiation the way I am supposed too, then I wont need any more chemo.

Because I'm never going to get cancer again (Because I think I've had just about enough with 4 bouts) today could be my very last chemo dose for the rest of my life. Never again will I have to inject my self with toxic chemicals. Worry about my liver, or my hair, or kidneys or any of the pain in the ass side effects. Never, Like EVER again! This is a really exciting encouraging thought.

While meeting with the nurse in Dr. D's office as she was telling me this I was ecstatic.

"OMG, so I'm officially done chemo after today, all my pooter hair has fallen out from the chemo and the radiation, so I'll be done chemo and I got a pain free bikini wax."

My mom shook her head, ::palm to forehead:: giggling while the Nurse AM replied

"Nothing Courtney says shocks me anymore."

Hahah best response ever. I love that my nurses and my docs know me well.

We went into Dr. D's office to talk about the surgery and whats to come. Basically they insert a plastic sleeve or shunt into my lady bits. Its so that when they place the high dose radiation into my pooter- it affects only the necessary cancer and not the surrounding healthy tissue.

"Ok doc, so this isn't going to break my pootang right? I mean when am I supposed to start the vaginal dilators."

My mom once again ::palm to forehead::

"Mom... I'm just trying to protect my investment."

The answer by the way was when I'm done the high dose radiation, and no it should not break my pootang.

SO my day consisted of my docs writing me for more pain meds.

"You need to stop being a hero and take the meds."

Option b, instead of taking the pain meds would be to take a break from radiation but I just want to be done with ALL of this. SO I was like ok, write em up. I can and will endure the pain, because as experienced today, there is no better feeling than hearing you're done. I can imagine how great hearing you're cured is going to be. How great "You can have sex again" is going to be. How unreal amazing "You can go back to Canada" will be. Oh and "Yes you can start working a few shifts again" ALL of these amazing things I can't wait to hear. They began today with "TOday is your last chemo treatment."

As I laid receiving my last chemo treatment it was weird. I mean, I wish I had have had a heads up. I would have brought cake. Lots of Carrot Cake. I LOVE the nurses on my chemo unit. Two of my favs weren't even there to say good bye. Luckily S and B were. B always hooks me up so that I can have a private room and bed for chemo treatments because they were 3+ hours long and I felt crappy. So sitting in a plastic wanna be lazy boy chair sucked in comparison to a bed, even a hospital one. Plus my mum got a desk to get some work and school work done. S slipped me a little going away present, which was the sweetest. She got me GORGEOUS silver earrings. Something I can get excited about wearing when I actually feel well enough to leave my house. I'm really going to miss them.

As I was leaving the unit, I looked at the empty chemo bag and it was the best F YOu ever! I got to ring the bell at the desk! Its a Lankenau tradition and I absolutely can't wait to ring my radiation bell, after my last radiation treatment! In fact its going to sound like a damn marching band is going through. The other patients better turn their hearing aids down.

SO I feel like crappola. The last dose of chemo is really taking its toll. However, at least I'm feeling like crap with a smile on my face. E, my pseudo older sister was in Canada and brought me back Quaker Crispy Minis in Dill Pickle, Salt and Vinegar and Ketchup. I'm like the happiest kid alive. You can't get them in the states and they're my guilty pleasure. So I'm munching on those whenever I have to take pain meds. You can't take the pain meds on an empty tummy.

I'm so close... yet so far!!


BOOM- Baby steps on the train of stops with amazing things to hear. One stop at a time.

Here we go! KOO KOO KAA CHOOOOO CHOOOO