To Feel Loved, To Feel Lost, To Stay Optimistic

Feeling loved. That undeniable feeling, when someone makes you feel so loved, that your chest actually expands and you can feel the warmth radiating from your heart. You get a tad hazy and lost in the moment, Your mouth dries up while you're at a loss for words. That feeling when you feel so safe and in that moment everything is perfect. That is what we're searching for, that is what makes life worth living.

Being that person, who makes someone feel that way. Loving them so much, and having them physically feel it. A visceral reaction to the smallest statement, gesture, glance. Smiling when you kiss them (or feeling them smile), squeeze their hand tighter (or having them squeeze tighter), pull them in closer (or have them pulling you in closer)... reinforcing the fact that there is indeed... love.

This is also the scariest thing in the world, because what if this moment is fleeting. Something you spend your whole life looking for and it could be gone in an instant.

I can say I've felt it. I can say I've lost it. I can say I want it.

To get all over the place on this one, I found out another one of my ex boyfriends is engaged. This is the second ex boyfriend to get engaged to the girl he started dating less than a month after we broke up. I'm 2 for 3 right now. If we include one of my other boyfriends who was borderline serious... well he's living with the girl he started dating after me so we know whats inevitably coming. That gives guys the percentage of 50% that when we date, and break up, you're most likely going to find your wife after me. I am the female equivalent of Good Luck Chuck. (A Dane Cook movie if you're wondering, in which every girl he dates, she marries the next guy she sees after him.) Sooo what does this say about me?

Either I'm so difficult that their next girlfriend seems so easy that they're like

"OMG I'm SAFE- keep me please so I don't ever have to date someone like her again."

Or I'm so independent that they're like

"WOW, You not only want me, but you need me and like having me around ALL the time"

-I might be reaching there ;)

Or I'm literally the primer girlfriend. I show them what married life could be like, and their not quite ready when they're with me. So we break up. But they miss it, and so they wife up the next one. Timing is a BITCH! Now granted, I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, so I could have been throwing off those

"Woah not me buddy vibes"

and we all know how men feel about rejection. (Rephrase: how anyone feels about rejection) Or and this is what I'm going with,

it just wasn't right.

I could have been happy with all of those guys I dated, but we wouldn't have been happy together.

So no, I'm not upset about being the primer girlfriend, because I'm totally content with knowing that when it's right, I'll be just as happy as them someday. #EternalOptimist

There's no point in settling. It shouldn't be forced, it will be easy and it will be hard too. Falling in love is fun, scary and a whole other group of emotions, but the most fun with be falling in love with the right person. Until then... <3

You're Worth The Whole Damn Lot

"Even if he/it/whatever breaks your heart, I feel like you're underestimating your worth."

Words that I've heard over and over but every time I feel an ounce of rejection I never listen to them. Why is it when we look in the mirror we see everything that we are not. Wouldn't it be nice to see what other people saw, to see what we are? To take a minute and listen to all the things people have told you about yourself, that are positive! Not because they were just saying something because they thought you needed to hear it, to make you feel better...

"NOOOO You don't look Fat. Oh he totally is going to regret breaking up with you. You look awesome bald."

but because they actually meant it, because it's true!

Why can we as humans not introspectively agree with what we are told about our selves, that is positive?

SO here it is for me.

I've said it before I'll say it again, and this time not subtle. I cannot have kids- radiation, chemo, killed that for me. I can't remember anything... (I apologize if I've repeated things 100x, forgotten basic things or forgotten to respond to emails and messages) -Thanks chemo for the memory or lack thereof. Right now, I can't have sex. Radiation & chemo, killed that for a while. I mean if we're playing the blame game lets say

"HEY Cancer- you've F****** $#!% up for me."

However, could this be the universe forcing into my skull what people who know me and care about me have been trying to tell me all along? You're pretty awesome even without kids, memory, sex life, etc. i.e. things that I think make me... different, imperfect, ::insert negative adjective here::

Your personality is so top notch, your outlook is so positive, you're randomly talented (make-up artistry, hula hoop instructor, bracelet maker, etc.), you're funny and witty (although half the time its not intentional), you're smart... ok book smart, and smart about really random things (close friends know my secret intellectual genius topic) and well ok smart-smart is debatable, NO math please. (Natural blonde after all). You're pretty, some may say hot, some may say gorgeous and realistically some may say not at all you're gross, (But to each their own and eff them, we're not talking about those people right now.)

Is it possible that everything I think I don't have/or am not right now (or ever) could be overlooked because all my good qualities outweigh what I'm "lacking"?

Life is one big pros and cons list. Isn't that what love is after all, a pros and cons list. I mean seriously, the "Perfect" person is not actually perfect. BUT, what one person may see as someone's flaws, i.e. what makes them different, and obviously their good qualities that make them different, is what makes them perfect for you. Hear me out.

SO in search of "perfection". It's not about being perfect as an individual, as in the perfect person. It's about being in the perfect situation.

It's about someone making you FEEL perfect, because you're not. No one is, but finding that person who can make you FEEL perfect, even with your imperfections, that's perfection.

Not pointing your imperfections out to you, but embracing them and loving them, because that's what makes you different and that's what makes you you.

SO, do I wish I was more stylish, yup. Do I want my long hair back, desperately but it will grow. Do I wish I could have kids, someday. Do I want to have sex tomorrow... hahah for me to know. Do I wish this and that about myself... of course. Do I want to lose 30 lbs yes, will I prob be WAY too skinny, well duh but whatever, I see myself completely different than others. Because I like every other human underestimates my worth. Unless you're one of those cocky bastards, but once again we're not talking about you.

However, when I look at myself I see things that someone who has never met me wouldn't, and maybe even people who have met me don't. I see fight. I see a body that has been through battle after battle in a seemingly never ending war, full of obvious battle wounds... but they're the illustrations to a story that is mine. A story that I'm damn proud of, because although it has made me "different" and "imperfect" it has made me, well me.
I see someone who wants to do a million things with her life, and some may say I'm indecisive but I say, I'm interested in multiple things and don't want to be complacent or bored or ... unhappy. I see someone who goes after what she wants... and right now that is life, to be alive. Not just to live but to live fulfilled.

It may not happen tomorrow. It may not happen next week, but life happens and I'm so lucky to be alive. So, although I underestimate my worth, it makes me strive to be better, it reminds me I'm alive and what a beautiful gift that is. A gift that reminds me that I am worthy. I may not see it or believe it sometimes, but luckily I have those people reminding me that the superficial things I feel I lack, doesn't take away from who I am or what I deserve, it makes me who I am, and that much more deserving of not perfection, but the perfect situation.

Oh and just because .... Fuck Cancer. I've said it before I'll say it again. You may win a few battles here and there, but there's no way in hell you're going to win this war. I'm UNKILLABLE. Oh if only I could actually be a Vampire ;)