Onwards and Upwards- Fly in the Sky

Kids' on leashes... check! 30 Mile detours as the result of going old school with printed directions instead of google maps.... check! Double checking with the security guard that it's ok to have a belly button ring in the scanner machine, only to have the rest of the security guards laugh and exclaim

"It's going to be a belly button ring kind of day boys"

.... check! In my defense that machine is scary as hell looking and I've been in enough MRI machines to know that metal and magnets don't go well together. I think it was a perfectly fair question. YUP- this is me trying to navigate an airport by myself.
Packing and leaving my baby and lil sis.

 

(Forcing dad to stop for a starbs pee break and admiring the fact that I actually threw on matching clothes at 6am.)

SO my phone died on the way to the airport. YAY for having it fully charged because we needed those google maps. So now I'm camped out on the floor... because it was the only outlet I could find to charge my phone, which ironically I can't even use, but who knows when you'll need some solitaire or yahtzee to pass the time.

 Oh and lets be real, we all know I'm trying to get a pic of the kid on the leash. I mean who does that? (Actually I'm sure lots of people do that, because losing a kid would be scary and chasing them would be annoying and yes I'm about to compare children to pets, but we put them on leashes right?) Thank goodness for noise cancelling headphones (J, you're a lifesaver) because this kid and I are not going to get along on this flight. Why can't parentals give their kid a benadryl like people do with their pets? Seems logical to me. (Full of maternal instincts this one -_-) 

Now that I'm settled and recharging, the panic attacks about my luggage are starting to set in. My suitcase is vintage ghetto fabulous. It says Bonjour around it repeatedly, which more than makes up for the lack of quality, because hello, its Parisian (Actually its more of a french thing but Parisian sounds cooler. It's not even french it just says a french word, but it excites me.) Sigh... someday.

 

But my suitcase, missing a few handles, tears, broken zippers and I don't have a TSA lock. Most likely they're going to search my bag which I managed to pack like a pro. But I can just imagine how my vibrators, bullets and ben wa balls are going to look under Xray. This is how profesh my packing was, I even remembered to take out a battery from each B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) just so that they wouldn't accidentally turn on. But I'm sure anything resembling small balls or a phallus will trigger some sort of red flag. I'm starting to think it may not have been the wisest of ideas to leave my bright red bra right on top, that may illicit some probing.
(Staring out at the luggage loading... getting nervous) 

Captain Mike and Mark and SASSY Tim (how the captain introduced him which made my life), my flight attendant. Not a full flight, so I have both seats to my self. Things are looking up! Oh did I mention there is a top notch 6'5 Hottie, one row behind me and on the opposite of the aisle. Guaranteed he's going to catch me staring. (What... I'm a single 20 something.) But honestly, I just want to hang out with sassy Tim.
(Sneak shot of either Mark or Mike, not sure.)

 

(Celeb Styles- I may have been getting bored at this point.)

(Thinking about either how low the window is, or how tall I am. Also, just thinking... when you're in the sky, your mind just wants to fly)

SO this week. Doctors. Doctors. Doctors. I've had a month to feel like me again and it's been amazing. I've had my ups and downs and every other emotional experience I could muster the energy up for. I fan-girled over a guy (legit I was convinced we were going to fall in love because a. He was taller than me, and b. he had excellent taste in sports teams.) But actually, I. Fan. Girled. Think tween at a One Direction concert because of sports. (I apologize to those who had to listen/watch me fangirl that night- I was sleep deprived!)

My dad's girlfriend so eloquently put it while I was screaming at the TV during wildcard football games, mowing down on wings, and referring to relationships as "unnecessary"....

"Courtney- you should have been a dude, I mean you kind of are, in a girls body!"

EH could be worse. This is why Dexter is the perfect man for me.

 

But anyway... this week: dentist, hem/onc (Hematology Oncology- Blood Cancer Doc to check to make sure the treatment didn't trigger leukemia.) Radiation- to talk about the residual radiation effects that have been kind of plaguing me. Then my personal fav- Dr. D. Oh poor Dr. D. I don't know if he knows whats coming. Lets just say he's on vaca this week and so I'm seeing him Monday and this is the calm before the tornado currently known as Courtney whirls in. Let the boning questions commence. (I say this like there is an actual candidate... accepting applications ;) !) 

So this week... I'm going to snuggle the crap out of my mom and sister. Miss Dexter like crazy, no actually I already have separation anxiety. Get over my cheapness and buy an over the shoulder boulder holder that actually holds the boulders in. I get it, I want to slim down, but I can't keep suffocating my tata's because I assume I'll lose weight in my canons and then my bras will just fit. 

So I'm going to chat up Sassy Tim. (That has actually made the whole flight the best EVER!) I'm fangirling ;) Maybe he'll even take a pic with me! Challenged accepted! (update: challenge failed. I was too excited to get off the plane)

Let the week begin.
(Celeb styles waiting for the mamma and the seestor to pick me up "You'll know its me, I'm wearing my Buckhorn Dinner Jacket and Camo- Basically the ultimate Canadian Country Girl outift!")

 

Also Remember to add your email to the little widget box in the top right hand corner to get emails each time I post a new blog, so you don't have to check back daily. Working on The Pink in the Rink post now. :)

Awkward Moments (VERY Rated R post)

Standing in line waiting for the cashier to ring up the guy in front of me, I nervously looked around and for the first time was impatient as ever. Usually I'm totally cool with chatty chashiers. I was one of them, once upon a blue moon. It can be boring standing there. The little old man in front of me who I usually would have considered adorable was slowly counting out his change and I continued to glance nervously around the store. WHY of all days was this taking so long. It was a health food store, I could just imagine the stares and thoughts in peoples heads. I got antsier by the second and began jumping around in my place, hopefully looking just cold and not like I was nervous, for really what was not a big deal. FINALLY it was my turn. I place the goods on the little thingy and the cashier had to roll them around for the bar code. UGH, really? REALLY? Then she asked me about their rewards program, to save money. OOH I like saving money! But how long would this take because people are going to walk in the door and line up behind me and see what I was buying. Flashbacks were popping in my head of the one word she could say that would crush me. This had to be the most uncomfortable situation ever.

It was official, buying prenatal vitamins is just as awkward as buying condoms.

The flashback of the last time,

"Congratulations"

The cashier was just being polite, but I wasn't preggo, not even close. I didn't even bother to correct her, because explaining why this is the biggest oxymoron of life would take about the length of the average human gestation time. But really, buying prenatal vitamins when you can't get pregnant, it seems cruel in a sense. However, they're exactly the type of vites I need. Plus they help my hair and nails grow- BONUS!

So when I finally walked out of the store, vitamins tucked safely away in my bag, I could breath again. I mean can't a girl just want pretty hair, nails and skin with out having to worry about the stigma attached from assumptions made from one single purchase. But in all reality I was more so mad at myself, because really, who the heck cares. These people don't know me. It's the little reminders that take you out of your world and pull you back down to remind you that you're just a small fish in a big pond, not the fisherman, who every fish is aware of.

Where am I going with this... oh right. Assumptions and judgements. Never assume anything, never judge anyone. You're just opening up the door to have it come right back to you. However awkward moments are becoming the story of my life.

It's no secret with cervical cancer that there is some "rehabilitation" involved after the radiation. For full details see blog post "Accepting Applications" (Or Click Here) but the coles notes goes like this. Radiation makes the lady bits smaller, tighter and all around virginal. This may sound like a loosey gooseys dream but I'm not exactly a goose and forgive the over kill but was already smaller to begin with. (Hello pediatric speculum... awkward)

When my doctor told me there would be an 80% chance I could have sex again, I think I actually choked on the air I was supposedly supposed to subconsciously be able to breathe.

"Um what about the other 20%, I'm only 25."

Screw infertility, this is my sex life you're now messing with. My questions/comments at every appointment usually consisted of something along the lines of

"Well I can't bone if I'm not alive! When can I bone again? What are the prospects of a healthy sex life doc?"

The answer always involved a vaginal dilator. Well ummm ok, that sounds fun and dandy... not. My one doc was finally straight up with me...

"You know, it will work just as well and probably be more fun to just go and get some sex toys."

SOLD! To the doc who realized I am supposed to be just entering my sexual prime! AdamandEve.com and I have become close personal acquaintances. KY jelly is my new best friend. Let the rehabbing begin :D

So- this seems like an easy solution right? I mean orgasms are directly linked to lessening stress. (Semen is reportedly linked to alleviating depression but thats a whole other convo I don't want to 'spew' on about right now that clearly doesn't apply. ::laughing so hard, so proud of that one::) SO where does the problem lay? I mean I like orgasms, I'm well aware of what this rehab involves, I have all the necessary tools.... Oh right I live with my parents. -_-

Vibrators arn't quiet. It's a fact. We also have a dog who loves to sleep with me, and then there is Dexy who I would never not allow in my room. I'm being rehab cockblocked by my pets and parents. My future sex life is resting upon 8 paws and parentals. This has to be some sick joke.

Options... #1 well shut my door. You would think right? The layout of the house has the master bedroom and my bedroom separated by only a small bathroom. Also, we're a tight knit family, who is not opposed to barging in. Plus the animals get separation anxiety from me. (But yes, yes I do shut my door.)

#2 Wait till no one is home, WHY is this surprisingly rare? They both work, a lot! They both have friends and lives and yet... ::Palm to shaking forehead:: it seems like an impossible scenario.

I'm actually about to go pull a highschool and take my car up to look out point for a little alone time. (Not that I've ever done that........) Moving on.

#3 The bathroom... umm what am I a dude? Plus its right next to the master.

Realistically these are a lot of excuses that can be overcome, but I think it comes down to the fact, I'm having trouble mentally getting over the fact that I'm .... pleasuring myself in my parents home. Everybody masturbates. If you don't you're a straight up liar... but really, why can't I get over it. I've even tried looking at it differently.

"This is not masturbation, this is rehabilitation."

Maybe it's a glaring respect issue, because I would never have sex while the rentals are home (except for one time with an ex, but that was the shortest dog walk of life MOM!) I won't even bring boys or boyfriends to my house unless we've been dating for quite a while. But this isn't even a human, this is B.O.B. (My battery operated boyfriend) who is stashed with the guys I'm cheating on him with. (Apparently I have a few B.O.B.'s in my arsenal.) The whole point is to expand so I had to buy varying sizes, which apparently do varying things. Its like a fascinating science, I'm not even mad, I'm impressed!

Also for the record "stashed"- hiding this stuff is not easy. My mother knows which drawer to avoid, but its a little harder telling your dad

"Ummm don't look there, no seriously dad don't!"

Guys don't do subtle and he will prod with questions until he'll instantly regrets that decision.

SO lets get down to it, this is doctors orders. 3x a week for at least 20 minutes. (No seriously that's what they said.) Also, if we're taking away the sex element, it's not just so that I can have a future sex life but also so that I can get pelvic exams with out feeling like I'm giving birth. Honestly its more for the sex life.

Now for the cancer part of it, because this whole post couldn't just be... ya know. After each session I also have to insert creams. A special antibiotic of sorts because this is a painful process. It's not all fun and games. I'm prone to infection and tearing is inevitable. I also have to switch it up and occasionally insert estrogen creams to help soften the tissue making it easier to stretch. Its a messy process. Its an awkward process. My vagina and I are at war for Orgasm's which technically should make us both very happy. #ThisIsMyLife

So as far as awkward moments go, it's time to suck it up, throw on my wicked headphones, turn on some porn and give her hell. Either that or my future Plenty Of Fish tagline will be "Only Small Penis's Need Apply!"

Awkward- is now just officially the name of the game :)

Accepting Applications (PG-13 or R Posting)

I talked about Chatting with my BFF in Canada on Sunday... well that was the perfect segue for tonight's events.

My Best friend K is back in Canada and I hadn't chatted with her since she came to Peterborough to help me pack up the day after I found out I was sick again, last week. So we had a little catching up to do, I mean a lot can happen in a week. We talked about my crush, which is honestly a whole other story. Of course we talked about my favorite topic, Sex.

"I swear K, its the weirdest thing, the last thing I should be thinking about or wanting for that matter is sex, but its ALL I can think about. It's clearly a case of wanting something just because I can't have it, or wanting someone."

It's true though, has it just not hit me yet because it really doesn't make sense, especially since I have bigger things I should be worrying about. Maybe I should just reread 50 shades... Hmmm that might make it worse. Will they just cast that damn movie already?

So while sitting on the couch with my mum tonight, I was catching up on True Blood (which doesn't help this "appetite" I have at the moment) and Dexter (Spoiler alert: OMG *MAGGIE* SO GOOD), she was researching my radiation treatments. Something interesting came up, (I'll include the pic for those that don't believe me).
Be prepared: This is Courtney at my sassiest and most unfiltered yet....

"Radiation can cause the normal tissue of the vagina to become irritated and sore. As it heals, scar tissue can form in the vagina. The scar tissue can make the vagina shorter or more narrow (this is called vaginal stenosis). When this happens, sex (vaginal intercourse) can become painful. Stretching the walls of the vagina a few times a week can help prevent this problem.

One way to do this is to have vaginal intercourse at least 3-4 times a week. Since this may be hard to do while getting cancer treatment, another option is to use a vaginal dilator. A dilator is a plastic or rubber tube used to stretch out the vagina. It feels like putting in a large tampon for a few minutes. Even if a woman is not interested in staying sexually active, keeping her vagina normal in size allows comfortable gynecological exams. This is an important part of follow-up after treatment. Vaginal estrogens may also be used to relieve dryness and prevent painful intercourse and help maintain the size of the vagina. Still, vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse can be long-term side effects from radiation."

-Cancer.Org

Ok so initial thoughts on the wording....
*So glad they clarify what sex is.
*A vaginal dilator and in non medical terms a vibrator. This just might be the best cancer treatment I've had yet. But really, a vaginal dilator.
*While reading the part about the large tampon, does anyone else have that scene from mean girls flashing in their heads?
*Ummm me not wanting to stay sexually active, I think a better use of my energy would maybe be me thinking about something other than being sexually active.
*Does anyone else realize that this is like a man's dream come true... Prescribed sex and a smaller, tighter pooter.
*It says this is also necessary to make ob/gyn exams more comfortable, um no, they are not comfortable, there is a man (or lady) in your lady bits and they didn't even buy you dinner first. Oh and they're kinky because they insert metal objects, I'm all for kinky but not on the first go.
*Vaginal estrogens to prevent dryness... this is why Cosmo's number one sex tip has always been lube! Oh and quite obviously skilled and extended foreplay.

*Oh and most importantly= Its information and advice like this, that sucks for someone who is actually very happy being single. I'm extremely content being single because I'm so career driven, but this kinda makes me think other wise. DAMN you unfeminist thoughts... "SWIM AWAY".

So lets take this back a notch, how do I feel about all of this? When I first heard what type of cancer I was diagnosed with, I was gutted. The irony of a girl who dreamed of becoming a sex therapist (damn you masters and PhD tuition fees), having her lady bits out of commission. (However lets be honest, the cancer hasn't exactly been holding me back the last year, standards has been to blame ::not ashamed, just horny::). But seriously, I'm only 25, Samantha Jones was well into her 50's and I am being taken out of the game at half her age, this just seems like the most unfair thing possible.

I'm going to get romantic and sappy on you for a second, there really is nothing more exciting than finding someone you're truly connected too and passionate about and unifying that bond as one. Yes, it takes time as evidenced by my dry spell, but the wait is so worth it. SO upon hearing my diagnosis, I was floored. How am I going to connect with someone on that level again if its being taken away from me. Will they understand, will they be willing to work with me, because I'm not going to lie, I'm scared as hell to have sex again. What will it feel like for me? What will it feel like for him? What if it sucks for him (not my skills obviously ::Wink Wink::) but just the feel... what if I utterly fall for someone (which is rare which makes it even scarier) and they leave because our sex life isn't normal. I get it, "If he's the right one, it wont be an issue" but it could be. I'm not naive, as humans we have needs. Sex has single handedly shaped history as we know it. Think Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, Dr. Sue, Dr. Alfred Kinsey. Do you think Cosmo would be one of the top selling women's magazines if it weren't for the fact that it sexually empowers women to eliminate the taboo of it all. I mean, we can read about fashion in vogue, and celeb gossip on perez, but we don't turn to any other magazine for sex advice. Think about it.

So, rounding this out, I'm a girl with intimacy issues. I've been hurt, so opening up is hard for me. Falling for someone is even harder, and now I have to worry that I may fall for someone and it may not work out because of SEX! Which used to be one of my favorite things about being in a relationship, and probably what made me such a great girlfriend (Sorry not going to elaborate on that one).

I like to think I've had three great serious relationships. They didn't work out for their own reasons but I learned something from each one of them and am so grateful to them for these lessons. If I could compile the one trait from each of them, that made them so great, I would be in the best relationship possible. The bar has been set. (I'm getting to my point and how it relates:)

Relationship #1. He was my best friend. We loved spending time together, and we had so much fun doing it. If I had any kind of news, he was the first person I wanted to tell. If something good happened to him, I was never jealous, I was so happy for him. We never competed, we actually missed each other when we we're apart.We shared friends and had respect and it was legit everything that your best friend is to you. He supported me in whatever crazy idea I had and I him. He has no idea how much I cherished those years together, and I always said "He is the greatest person I know, just maybe not the greatest boyfriend at times." I know if I had have stayed with him, we would have had a life so full of fun because being with him was great, but that was it, we were best friends and needed to leave it at that.

Relationship #2. Sex. We had the most incredible sex life. I didn't know what sex was until I met him. I felt comfortable, it could be my fattest day and he made me feel so beautiful. It could go terribly wrong, sounds, bumping heads, whatever but we would laugh, and keep going. We once spent an entire night going through a pocket kama sutra trying out each and every position. Marking the ones we liked, and didnt. We had that trust with each other that we could be open to make sure the other was being satisfied. We couldn't exactly stand each other out side the bedroom but it opened my eyes to what sexual chemistry was supposed to be like.

Relationship #3. Security. He was a real man, a grown up man. He made me feel safe. He helped me when my car broke. He paid for my dinners and treated me like a lady. He took me on real dates, with lots of thought. If someone spoke badly or negatively he would get heated and defend me (sometimes to an extreme). He had a real job, and was ambitious as hell which made me want to better myself. We were just two very different people, going down very different roads and also at very different stages in our lives.

My point here... those three qualities are what I want in my future relationships and ideally someday my husband. All three of those qualities feed off of each other. What is going to happen to my sex life and how will that affect the rest of my life. I'm already at a disadvantage not being able to have kids, so this just can't hinder my future relationships anymore than it already has. Otherwise Sexy Dexy is going to be getting a lot more brothers and sisters, and I'm too much of a dog person to become a full blown cat lady.
(However Dex is really cute so I thought I'd include some pics :) hehe)

Whatever the outcome, I have faith it will work out. My mom and I are off to a sex toy shop (thank god she's super awesome like that), because I didn't bring my supply with me. (I wonder if that will be reimbursed by insurance hahah). The title "Accepting Applications" more of a joke, but isn't that the theme of life. Are we not always accepting applications until we meet our someone? This just means that the man I end up with, will be the best kind of man, because he WILL be willing to deal with all of this, and not because he HAS too, but because he WANTS too. My bar has just been set higher. Clearly I'm a closet romantic, but hey by combining that with the dream of becoming a sex therapist into the perfect career- hello event and wedding planning!

So until that time comes and I'm stuck with cats, I'll stick with rabbits for now.... you know, to follow doctors orders ;)