Everything Happens For A Reason- How We Met....

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe we have a purpose, I believe falling in love is a gift and I believe that being diagnosed with cervical cancer was not the worst thing that could have happened to me. Believe me when I say I would have preferred to have not gone through a single thing that I had too, but with out having that harsh life experience, I would have missed out on something that could be life altering for me. This is hard for me to write, because now I'm involving someone else. Now he, can read this, and although he knows exactly how I feel, so does everyone else, and I am very content with keeping our relationship just that, ours. However, I promised to keep this real and in that regard I'm going to explain how something so terrible led to what has become something so wonderful, so exhilarating, that I didn't even know I could feel like this.

I was privileged enough to be one of the honorary co-chairs for the Pink In The Rink campaign with the Canadian Cancer Society and Peterborough Petes to raise awareness and money to help aid in the fight against Women's Health. With this came the responsibility of press and media. Something that made me nervous but I was very excited to do. One of my press appearances was on a radio show, and it was at 8:00 in the morning. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a morning person, so this was going to be a challenge but this cause was near and dear to my heart and I would not let it down. Luckily it was a radio appearance so I didn't have to doll up and could pretty much wear my pajamas. I was decked out in lulu leggings, uggs, a blue baseball cap, my glasses and a black zip up hoodie. Not something you plan on meeting someone in. I maybe had a little mascara on, because I have blonde eyelashes and look like I have none with out. My hair was in a pony tail and I clutched my Tim Hortons 1/2 Coffee 1/2 Hot chocolate for dear life as I begged for some mental clarity to not mess this up. I arrived a little early (I know... weird... especially for me) and was finally let inside. I went up to the studios and walked into the one on the right. There was a guy and a girl and it was very cool, exactly what you picture a radio station to look like. He had these eyes, that pierced right through me, and I was instantly smiling, I didnt care that I was in 8am mode. He made me feel so comfortable and told me to put my stuff in the corner and hang out, because I wasn't scheduled to be on the air for about a half an hour. I sat and watched as he did his thing and was in awe of how exciting it was. I also had another appearance on the sister station two steps away, so he walked me over to do that first. After that I went back and did the show with him and the GM of the Pete's. The interview felt like it was just him and I. He made me smile, he said things that made me feel like he completely understood, and I was immediately intrigued. I tried to keep it professional because I was there on very serious matters but something inside me was very curious. A feeling I couldn't remember the last time I felt.

I left with a jump in my step and a smile bigger than normal. I had no idea what was happening but I liked it. We have a mutual friend at the radio station and so I got his information to email B for the clip of our interview. His voice, I didn't notice it at the station, but I got warm and fuzzy when I heard it again. Ugh I was being a total girl. We flirted a little through email and that was basically that. He was trying to remain professional too.

I had a PSA to record at the station and originally missed it because of my flight delay back in Philly. My dad being the gem he is, knew about my crush and had it rescheduled so that I could go into the studio to do it. I recorded the PSA for the event and E, who helped me record it, and I became instant friends. We had B, (my crush) take a pic of us, and I was so excited to say hi. He asked if I wanted to come in and do another interview right before the event and I immediately jumped at the chance for more time with him. I couldn't explain it, he was someone I wanted to get to know. He's well known, but I had never heard of him. He's tall and smart and funny and sincere, and I just can only describe the feeling as intense curiosity as to who this person was and why they were drawing me in hook, line and sinker.

The time came for me to do my interview with him and I woke up that morning feeling MISERABLE. I facebook messaged him because we were yet to be text buddies. I apologized and asked if we could move it to the next day. He was so gracious and understanding although he had already promoted it for the day and we were scheduled for the next morning. (He later told me that he would never have done that for anyone else ::HUGE SMILE::)

The next morning while I was getting ready, because I may have put a little more effort in this time, we were facebook chatting. I put on the radio to listen to his show while I got ready and for the second or third time the song "Timber" by Kesha and PitBull was the first song I heard. He had also sent me a message which put a little hop in my step and so obviously I responded:

Now the radio dj's usually pick their line up ahead of time at the beginning of their show. (I know this now) So when the next song was Imagine Dragons "Demons" I lit up like a freaking christmas tree. "Did you do that on purpose"... I asked later, to which I got a "Maybe". It was on, like freaking Donkey Kong!


I arrived and did a quick interview with their sister station and then got to head back over to him. His co-host was out sick that day and so it was just the two of us. I was unusually giggly (Who was this person I had become and why) and we had a great interview. He told me I could stay a little while and hang out and so I did.

Towards the end of hanging out in the studio, I decided to stop being shy and put it out there. I didn't have anything to lose.

"Hey so are you going to be at the event tomorrow night?"

To which he replied

"Umm Yea I'll probably stop by"

-I later learned he had no intention of going, but I may have persuaded him. #ForTheWin

"Ok cool, well you should text me when you're there and we can grab a drink or something."

I knew he didn't have my number and was hoping I would get the exact response I got...

"I actually don't think I have your number"

PERFECT! Exactly how I wanted it to go down.

"Here well, let me give it to you! Oh I don't know how to work your phone, I apologize, My name is in all caps, I promise I'm not yelling at you!"

I may have been a little nervous. He responded with

"hahah no worries, it makes you stand out"

and that was how I got my nickname All Caps.

Later that morning I got a text...

The next night, was the event. I made time to see him. He was the only person I made time to sit down and actually have a drink with and I was nervous but it was fabulous! I had so many people I wanted to see, and so many people I did see... but the 10 minutes I got to spend with him, made my night. I told him to come to the after party and although there were complications with that, he came. I don't think I paid attention to anyone else that night, we said our good byes and little did I realize this was the beginning of something incredible. We would be attached at the hip.

You don't think anyone will want to be with you after you've been through an ordeal, or multiple for that matter like I have. I'm a liability. I can't have children, and realistically how sexy is cancer around your lady bits. But when you meet someone who tells you upfront they know, and it doesn't bother them, you feel like you've won the lottery. (Although I joke that I'm the winning lottery ticket considering you a. don't have to worry about me PMSing [no period] and b. No biological clock) I had no problem being single. I was happy and I knew my time would come, little did I realize it would happen when I least expected it, and now I wouldn't have it any other way.

This was over seven weeks ago and although everything has gone at rapid speed, something is special about this relationship. He has already seen me at my worst, while dealing with my ovarian cyst ordeal and the narcotic induced haze that came along with that. In fact seeing me at my worst is an understatement, he was there taking care of me, while at my worst. Things haven't been perfect and things haven't been easy, but this has made me feel .... just like there was a part of me missing, that I didn't even realize wasn't there and its no longer suddenly gone. The next few weeks will be hard, because I'll be heading to the states for check ups, but if absence makes the heart grow fonder, things will only continue on their path of just getting better.

He's wonderful and I'm happy, and I'm sure will become a main component of the blog from herein out, another thing that makes him so amazing

"It's your thing, write what you want to write."

So I will try to keep our relationship to just us, but in relation to my health, it will be mentioned. Who knows, maybe I'll throw in an anecdote or two ;)

Ovarian Cysts and Romantic Bliss

I know you're all dying to know about the man in my life, and I'll get to that... but first I know a lot of people have been very worried about me the last few weeks because I have gotten very sick again. Here is the good news: I am still CANCER FREE! However, complications from my treatment which I knew to expect have come up.

While laying there, I woke up feeling like I had been punched repeatedly, maybe even kicked, right below my belly button. I could barely move. Something was wrong but I didn't know what. I went home and laid down and tried to sleep away the pain, but it continued to get worse. I took some of my left over pain killers for the next few days and tried to ignore it. After about a week of this, and the pain getting worse, I knew I was going to have to do something about it. I was also developing a sinus infection and bronchitis and so it was time to see a doctor.

Here's where things get complicated. I met someone. Yes, I had been pushing myself too hard. Caught up in the whirlwind of a new romance. Trying to spend every second together. I was partying, gyming it, working and not taking care of myself. I knew the bronchitis/sinus infection was a result of poor diet and lack of sleep but the pain was not. It was where I was most vulnerable, it was near and dear to my lady bits. It felt like spasms, cramps of the worst variety, debilitating, I would cripple over in pain, unable to speak or walk. Having met someone, I knew the time would come where we would be how can I put this delicately, ....intimate.

I was a girl on a mission. I was crazy about him, and I was also scared $#!%less, because through my treatment I had basically become revirginized. But in the few weeks we had known each other, we were inseparable and there is that connection you only read about in Nicholas Sparks novels. I always said when I have sex again, it would have to be with someone I completely trusted and I've found that person. He wanted to wait to make it special, I however thought it was special just because it was him, hence, girl on a mission. So the next morning when I awoke to the pain, I got worried. I didn't tell him, not because I didn't trust him but because I didn't want him to think it was his fault, and so I went home and tried to hide it from everyone. I felt like maybe it was too soon. Maybe my "rehabbing" hadn't prepared me enough. This was my own fault and so therefore I needed to suck it up.

Eventually while at lunch a week later I told him,

"I think I need to see a doctor, something's not right."

He was already fabulous, and was more willing than I to ease into things, to wait until I was ready. Only the right guy cares more about me, than getting his rocks off, reinforcing my decision that there was no other person I would want to be going through this with. Mentally, emotionally I was more than ready... physically was a different story, and it was frustrating as H-E- double hockey stick.

I went to the doctor that afternoon and got antibiotics for my bronchitis/ sinus infection. The pain and its locale was not his specialty as a family doctor and therefore he referred me to a gynecologist.
The next day, the pain took over and won. I couldn't wait for the referral and I ended up in the ER.

I was immediately given pain meds and so it all becomes hazy. I had a cat scan which showed that I had cysts rupture on my ovaries. "Well isn't this just dandy. I have ovaries that don't even work and now they're causing me problems."

The gynecologist I was actually referred too happened to be on duty and came in to explain the best she could what was happening. She did a pelvic exam which took me back to my high dose radiation pain days. Tears flowed down my face and I clutched My dad's lady Claudette with all my might. The pressure, and the pain in the most innocent, vulnerable of places. They took biopsies to check for cancer and continued to infuse dilaudid which is another form of morphine, which I'm allergic to (The morphine, not the dilaudid- because that would be stupid to give me something I'm allergic to). I was told I could be admitted but I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to hide, and ignore the fact that I was not normal and yet again I was dealing with complications out of my control.
The next week was a blur of pain meds.

(Just wanting and ready to go home)

My Man came by to see me everyday, my parentals even gave him a key. My key actually... I think they like him better than me. We were supposed to be in the midst of our honeymoon phase and here I was doped up with out makeup and god only knows how often I showered. OMG I hope I shaved my legs. The point... he was there. He didn't scare, and he's still here now.

A few days after the E.R. I had an MRI and I got an appointment with a Gynecological Oncologist who worked out of Kingston and Oshawa. I had my MRI and a few days later we went to Oshawa. She was FABULOUS! She went to Yale, and was so smart and also mentored my ob/gyn back home, whom she said was her favorite resident. I was happy. As far as how we were going to proceed, this is where things also got complicated. Ovary removal, wait it out, hysterectomy?
(After the MRI- I had to pee and only the mens room was available)

I already can't have children, so the hysterectomy or ovary removal wouldn't be the worst decision. It would eliminate the possibility of the cancer or cysts returning and hey, maybe I'll lose a few lbs. However there would be a 6 week recovery time, which I didn't want to have. I wouldn't be able to work, or work out, or enjoy my new found romantic bliss. To which he replied

"6 weeks really is not a big deal."

...swoon. There was also the issue of the damaged tissue from the radiation making surgery more difficult and possibly creating a longer healing time.
Waiting it out... well this proved slightly problematic as well. I would be in pain longer from the damaged tissue, and on pain meds longer. There is also the chance of the cysts returning and the unbearable pain is not something I wanted to go through again.

A week after this appointment I had an Ultrasound to check out how things were looking. Things were better, but I'm still in pain.

I'm about two weeks past the initial incident, maybe three (Time has been lost on me from the meds). I havent been able to work or go to the gym, I've gotten out a few times, but even that has been a risk. "Low Dose Pain Med Nights." Low dose so that I would be able to interact with fellow humans not coming off as an intoxicated junkie. I've already got a slightly overwhelming personality, (Hello Past cheerleader: always enthusiastic and excited) so I didn't need pain meds completely removing my filter and upping my energy in public.

I've had wonderful visitors... Thank you C, even though it took me about 15 minutes to realize who you were lol!

We've decided to wait it out. The risk of surgery and healing and my weak immune system is not conducive to an easy or necessarily safe surgical procedure. I get to return to life next week. Easy at the gym, couple shifts at work, maybe even a bevy or two. Basically I wont feel like I'm on house arrest anymore.

My man and I have bonded in the short while we've been together because he's already seen me at my worst. When I'm supposed to be worrying about which lip gloss to apply or curls or straight hair, he's been with me laying in bed, listening to me ramble about god only knows. I've also just recently read an article that your sex life significantly improves as time goes on. I have so much to look forward too. Until then pain meds, and rest. More details on the man... because, it really does read like a Nicholas Sparks Novel. Its cliche and everything that I was fearful about as a cancer survivor, well... sigh.... He's wonderful.

Pink In The Rink - The Event

Months of planning. Weeks of preparation, anticipation, interviews, and promoting. All cultivating in a fabulous night for an incredible cause. Its come, its gone, and I wouldn't change a single thing.

When I first got the call to be a part of this event, it wasn't even a question that it was a huge honor and that I was going to do everything in my power to be available and to help make it a success. I knew it would be time consuming but it wasn't about me as an individual it was about what I could do to help people on a MUCH larger scale. Realistically this wasn't about my dad and I, this wasn't about the Pete's, this was about doing everything in my power to use my past experiences to help raise money so that no one would have to go through what I have been through. Its not fun, and its nothing that anyone should have to deal with. Not the patient, not their friends and family, no one. So for me, if someone said jump, I said "How freaking high?"

I also knew doing this event was going to be a risk for me personally. I was risking hurting my mom's feelings because I knew she would feel left out and unappreciated. However, for me, it was still something I wanted to do because this isn't about us, this is about Women's Health and all of the people I could help by getting involved. The theme was Daddy's Girls, and so while promoting it, it focused on my relationship with my dad. If the theme was Mommy's girls, then that would have been a different story and because we were working with the Pete's, my dad's hockey alma mater, that too would alienate my mother. I was right and she was very offended, felt unappreciated and reinforced why having divorced parents who do not get along is not fun for anybody. There are two sides to every story and the truth but this wasn't about her. This was also something I decided to do for me, and anyone who I could help, because this last diagnosis is realistically the first time I have openly talked about what I have gone through. My mom was a HUGE part of my recovery and with out her, I would most likely not be here. My sister and she were there for the worst of times and with out them I would not be the woman I am today. So in honor of Women's health, I thank them for being there for me to shape me into the woman I am today.

The MAIN Event:
It was fabulous. I got to do a couple interviews before the game. One radio, and one TV. I was so nervous. I then found out we would be doing the puck drop too. I whispered to my dad before we went out "Do NOT let me fall" lol. I could totally picture myself pulling a JLAW circa Oscars 2013.

There was an opening ceremonies which included a video BrandHealth did, which was incredible. The gist was Heaven, with angels awaiting my arrival.... 2003, "Nope She's not coming" 2006 ... "Nope, Still Not coming." 2008 "Ok She's still not coming whats going on?" 2013- "Ok Clearly she doesnt want to come" .... Its the perfect metaphor because I wont give up my fight against cancer. I wont give up the fight for other people battling cancer and being their voice.

Everything went swimmingly, no falls. I then got to rush around the rink during the game, because so many friends and family and co workers came to support me and I couldn't have been happier. This night was not only a fundraiser to support women's health, but personally a celebration that I was ok. I may have even had a date this night, but this is for a later post, because I know you're all DYING to know why I haven't posted lately.

The event raised around $40,000 and I am ecstatic. After the game, we got to go down to the ice with the team to take pics on the ice. In true Courtney fashion... I ran... in 4" heeled boots with my honorary Pink in the Rink Jersey on. I was a little too eager. As I darted across the ice, I just about made it until at the last minute I felt my heel slip out from under me and I knew the inevitable was coming. Yoga balance or whatever, I just about caught myself, along with the goalie's lap. I figured this would be a good spot for my place in the pic and had a soaking wet bum the rest of the night.

After the arena we went to Spanky's where we had quite the after party. It didn't take long for Britney to come on and me to end up on the bar. Here are the pics from the night. Thank you to everyone who was a huge support. TO the people who supported me through the nerve wracking press interviews (which turned out to lead to something fabulous... but again more on that later) and to everyone who came out and donated. I'm truly touched by your generosity and am so proud and humbled by everyone who helped aid in the fight to support women's health!
(My assistant for the evening who kept me on track! Thank You C)

(Some Friends, Epic Boss, and more friends)

(Some Adorable Mini Fans!)

(Dad and I with Danielle from Energy 99.7 and Country 105.1- and then Britney's "Toxic" on the Bar)

Little did I realize how much this event would change my life. I say everything happens for a reason, and it does. I would not have been able to be a part of this with out my diagnosis of cervical cancer. I would not have gotten to do all of the press interviews and I would not have gotten to meet someone who has turned my world upside down, in the best way possible.
Everything does happen for a reason and although I repeat it constantly....