To Feel Loved, To Feel Lost, To Stay Optimistic

Feeling loved. That undeniable feeling, when someone makes you feel so loved, that your chest actually expands and you can feel the warmth radiating from your heart. You get a tad hazy and lost in the moment, Your mouth dries up while you're at a loss for words. That feeling when you feel so safe and in that moment everything is perfect. That is what we're searching for, that is what makes life worth living.

Being that person, who makes someone feel that way. Loving them so much, and having them physically feel it. A visceral reaction to the smallest statement, gesture, glance. Smiling when you kiss them (or feeling them smile), squeeze their hand tighter (or having them squeeze tighter), pull them in closer (or have them pulling you in closer)... reinforcing the fact that there is indeed... love.

This is also the scariest thing in the world, because what if this moment is fleeting. Something you spend your whole life looking for and it could be gone in an instant.

I can say I've felt it. I can say I've lost it. I can say I want it.

To get all over the place on this one, I found out another one of my ex boyfriends is engaged. This is the second ex boyfriend to get engaged to the girl he started dating less than a month after we broke up. I'm 2 for 3 right now. If we include one of my other boyfriends who was borderline serious... well he's living with the girl he started dating after me so we know whats inevitably coming. That gives guys the percentage of 50% that when we date, and break up, you're most likely going to find your wife after me. I am the female equivalent of Good Luck Chuck. (A Dane Cook movie if you're wondering, in which every girl he dates, she marries the next guy she sees after him.) Sooo what does this say about me?

Either I'm so difficult that their next girlfriend seems so easy that they're like

"OMG I'm SAFE- keep me please so I don't ever have to date someone like her again."

Or I'm so independent that they're like

"WOW, You not only want me, but you need me and like having me around ALL the time"

-I might be reaching there ;)

Or I'm literally the primer girlfriend. I show them what married life could be like, and their not quite ready when they're with me. So we break up. But they miss it, and so they wife up the next one. Timing is a BITCH! Now granted, I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, so I could have been throwing off those

"Woah not me buddy vibes"

and we all know how men feel about rejection. (Rephrase: how anyone feels about rejection) Or and this is what I'm going with,

it just wasn't right.

I could have been happy with all of those guys I dated, but we wouldn't have been happy together.

So no, I'm not upset about being the primer girlfriend, because I'm totally content with knowing that when it's right, I'll be just as happy as them someday. #EternalOptimist

There's no point in settling. It shouldn't be forced, it will be easy and it will be hard too. Falling in love is fun, scary and a whole other group of emotions, but the most fun with be falling in love with the right person. Until then... <3

You're Worth The Whole Damn Lot

"Even if he/it/whatever breaks your heart, I feel like you're underestimating your worth."

Words that I've heard over and over but every time I feel an ounce of rejection I never listen to them. Why is it when we look in the mirror we see everything that we are not. Wouldn't it be nice to see what other people saw, to see what we are? To take a minute and listen to all the things people have told you about yourself, that are positive! Not because they were just saying something because they thought you needed to hear it, to make you feel better...

"NOOOO You don't look Fat. Oh he totally is going to regret breaking up with you. You look awesome bald."

but because they actually meant it, because it's true!

Why can we as humans not introspectively agree with what we are told about our selves, that is positive?

SO here it is for me.

I've said it before I'll say it again, and this time not subtle. I cannot have kids- radiation, chemo, killed that for me. I can't remember anything... (I apologize if I've repeated things 100x, forgotten basic things or forgotten to respond to emails and messages) -Thanks chemo for the memory or lack thereof. Right now, I can't have sex. Radiation & chemo, killed that for a while. I mean if we're playing the blame game lets say

"HEY Cancer- you've F****** $#!% up for me."

However, could this be the universe forcing into my skull what people who know me and care about me have been trying to tell me all along? You're pretty awesome even without kids, memory, sex life, etc. i.e. things that I think make me... different, imperfect, ::insert negative adjective here::

Your personality is so top notch, your outlook is so positive, you're randomly talented (make-up artistry, hula hoop instructor, bracelet maker, etc.), you're funny and witty (although half the time its not intentional), you're smart... ok book smart, and smart about really random things (close friends know my secret intellectual genius topic) and well ok smart-smart is debatable, NO math please. (Natural blonde after all). You're pretty, some may say hot, some may say gorgeous and realistically some may say not at all you're gross, (But to each their own and eff them, we're not talking about those people right now.)

Is it possible that everything I think I don't have/or am not right now (or ever) could be overlooked because all my good qualities outweigh what I'm "lacking"?

Life is one big pros and cons list. Isn't that what love is after all, a pros and cons list. I mean seriously, the "Perfect" person is not actually perfect. BUT, what one person may see as someone's flaws, i.e. what makes them different, and obviously their good qualities that make them different, is what makes them perfect for you. Hear me out.

SO in search of "perfection". It's not about being perfect as an individual, as in the perfect person. It's about being in the perfect situation.

It's about someone making you FEEL perfect, because you're not. No one is, but finding that person who can make you FEEL perfect, even with your imperfections, that's perfection.

Not pointing your imperfections out to you, but embracing them and loving them, because that's what makes you different and that's what makes you you.

SO, do I wish I was more stylish, yup. Do I want my long hair back, desperately but it will grow. Do I wish I could have kids, someday. Do I want to have sex tomorrow... hahah for me to know. Do I wish this and that about myself... of course. Do I want to lose 30 lbs yes, will I prob be WAY too skinny, well duh but whatever, I see myself completely different than others. Because I like every other human underestimates my worth. Unless you're one of those cocky bastards, but once again we're not talking about you.

However, when I look at myself I see things that someone who has never met me wouldn't, and maybe even people who have met me don't. I see fight. I see a body that has been through battle after battle in a seemingly never ending war, full of obvious battle wounds... but they're the illustrations to a story that is mine. A story that I'm damn proud of, because although it has made me "different" and "imperfect" it has made me, well me.
I see someone who wants to do a million things with her life, and some may say I'm indecisive but I say, I'm interested in multiple things and don't want to be complacent or bored or ... unhappy. I see someone who goes after what she wants... and right now that is life, to be alive. Not just to live but to live fulfilled.

It may not happen tomorrow. It may not happen next week, but life happens and I'm so lucky to be alive. So, although I underestimate my worth, it makes me strive to be better, it reminds me I'm alive and what a beautiful gift that is. A gift that reminds me that I am worthy. I may not see it or believe it sometimes, but luckily I have those people reminding me that the superficial things I feel I lack, doesn't take away from who I am or what I deserve, it makes me who I am, and that much more deserving of not perfection, but the perfect situation.

Oh and just because .... Fuck Cancer. I've said it before I'll say it again. You may win a few battles here and there, but there's no way in hell you're going to win this war. I'm UNKILLABLE. Oh if only I could actually be a Vampire ;)

Accepting Applications (PG-13 or R Posting)

I talked about Chatting with my BFF in Canada on Sunday... well that was the perfect segue for tonight's events.

My Best friend K is back in Canada and I hadn't chatted with her since she came to Peterborough to help me pack up the day after I found out I was sick again, last week. So we had a little catching up to do, I mean a lot can happen in a week. We talked about my crush, which is honestly a whole other story. Of course we talked about my favorite topic, Sex.

"I swear K, its the weirdest thing, the last thing I should be thinking about or wanting for that matter is sex, but its ALL I can think about. It's clearly a case of wanting something just because I can't have it, or wanting someone."

It's true though, has it just not hit me yet because it really doesn't make sense, especially since I have bigger things I should be worrying about. Maybe I should just reread 50 shades... Hmmm that might make it worse. Will they just cast that damn movie already?

So while sitting on the couch with my mum tonight, I was catching up on True Blood (which doesn't help this "appetite" I have at the moment) and Dexter (Spoiler alert: OMG *MAGGIE* SO GOOD), she was researching my radiation treatments. Something interesting came up, (I'll include the pic for those that don't believe me).
Be prepared: This is Courtney at my sassiest and most unfiltered yet....

"Radiation can cause the normal tissue of the vagina to become irritated and sore. As it heals, scar tissue can form in the vagina. The scar tissue can make the vagina shorter or more narrow (this is called vaginal stenosis). When this happens, sex (vaginal intercourse) can become painful. Stretching the walls of the vagina a few times a week can help prevent this problem.

One way to do this is to have vaginal intercourse at least 3-4 times a week. Since this may be hard to do while getting cancer treatment, another option is to use a vaginal dilator. A dilator is a plastic or rubber tube used to stretch out the vagina. It feels like putting in a large tampon for a few minutes. Even if a woman is not interested in staying sexually active, keeping her vagina normal in size allows comfortable gynecological exams. This is an important part of follow-up after treatment. Vaginal estrogens may also be used to relieve dryness and prevent painful intercourse and help maintain the size of the vagina. Still, vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse can be long-term side effects from radiation."

-Cancer.Org

Ok so initial thoughts on the wording....
*So glad they clarify what sex is.
*A vaginal dilator and in non medical terms a vibrator. This just might be the best cancer treatment I've had yet. But really, a vaginal dilator.
*While reading the part about the large tampon, does anyone else have that scene from mean girls flashing in their heads?
*Ummm me not wanting to stay sexually active, I think a better use of my energy would maybe be me thinking about something other than being sexually active.
*Does anyone else realize that this is like a man's dream come true... Prescribed sex and a smaller, tighter pooter.
*It says this is also necessary to make ob/gyn exams more comfortable, um no, they are not comfortable, there is a man (or lady) in your lady bits and they didn't even buy you dinner first. Oh and they're kinky because they insert metal objects, I'm all for kinky but not on the first go.
*Vaginal estrogens to prevent dryness... this is why Cosmo's number one sex tip has always been lube! Oh and quite obviously skilled and extended foreplay.

*Oh and most importantly= Its information and advice like this, that sucks for someone who is actually very happy being single. I'm extremely content being single because I'm so career driven, but this kinda makes me think other wise. DAMN you unfeminist thoughts... "SWIM AWAY".

So lets take this back a notch, how do I feel about all of this? When I first heard what type of cancer I was diagnosed with, I was gutted. The irony of a girl who dreamed of becoming a sex therapist (damn you masters and PhD tuition fees), having her lady bits out of commission. (However lets be honest, the cancer hasn't exactly been holding me back the last year, standards has been to blame ::not ashamed, just horny::). But seriously, I'm only 25, Samantha Jones was well into her 50's and I am being taken out of the game at half her age, this just seems like the most unfair thing possible.

I'm going to get romantic and sappy on you for a second, there really is nothing more exciting than finding someone you're truly connected too and passionate about and unifying that bond as one. Yes, it takes time as evidenced by my dry spell, but the wait is so worth it. SO upon hearing my diagnosis, I was floored. How am I going to connect with someone on that level again if its being taken away from me. Will they understand, will they be willing to work with me, because I'm not going to lie, I'm scared as hell to have sex again. What will it feel like for me? What will it feel like for him? What if it sucks for him (not my skills obviously ::Wink Wink::) but just the feel... what if I utterly fall for someone (which is rare which makes it even scarier) and they leave because our sex life isn't normal. I get it, "If he's the right one, it wont be an issue" but it could be. I'm not naive, as humans we have needs. Sex has single handedly shaped history as we know it. Think Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, Dr. Sue, Dr. Alfred Kinsey. Do you think Cosmo would be one of the top selling women's magazines if it weren't for the fact that it sexually empowers women to eliminate the taboo of it all. I mean, we can read about fashion in vogue, and celeb gossip on perez, but we don't turn to any other magazine for sex advice. Think about it.

So, rounding this out, I'm a girl with intimacy issues. I've been hurt, so opening up is hard for me. Falling for someone is even harder, and now I have to worry that I may fall for someone and it may not work out because of SEX! Which used to be one of my favorite things about being in a relationship, and probably what made me such a great girlfriend (Sorry not going to elaborate on that one).

I like to think I've had three great serious relationships. They didn't work out for their own reasons but I learned something from each one of them and am so grateful to them for these lessons. If I could compile the one trait from each of them, that made them so great, I would be in the best relationship possible. The bar has been set. (I'm getting to my point and how it relates:)

Relationship #1. He was my best friend. We loved spending time together, and we had so much fun doing it. If I had any kind of news, he was the first person I wanted to tell. If something good happened to him, I was never jealous, I was so happy for him. We never competed, we actually missed each other when we we're apart.We shared friends and had respect and it was legit everything that your best friend is to you. He supported me in whatever crazy idea I had and I him. He has no idea how much I cherished those years together, and I always said "He is the greatest person I know, just maybe not the greatest boyfriend at times." I know if I had have stayed with him, we would have had a life so full of fun because being with him was great, but that was it, we were best friends and needed to leave it at that.

Relationship #2. Sex. We had the most incredible sex life. I didn't know what sex was until I met him. I felt comfortable, it could be my fattest day and he made me feel so beautiful. It could go terribly wrong, sounds, bumping heads, whatever but we would laugh, and keep going. We once spent an entire night going through a pocket kama sutra trying out each and every position. Marking the ones we liked, and didnt. We had that trust with each other that we could be open to make sure the other was being satisfied. We couldn't exactly stand each other out side the bedroom but it opened my eyes to what sexual chemistry was supposed to be like.

Relationship #3. Security. He was a real man, a grown up man. He made me feel safe. He helped me when my car broke. He paid for my dinners and treated me like a lady. He took me on real dates, with lots of thought. If someone spoke badly or negatively he would get heated and defend me (sometimes to an extreme). He had a real job, and was ambitious as hell which made me want to better myself. We were just two very different people, going down very different roads and also at very different stages in our lives.

My point here... those three qualities are what I want in my future relationships and ideally someday my husband. All three of those qualities feed off of each other. What is going to happen to my sex life and how will that affect the rest of my life. I'm already at a disadvantage not being able to have kids, so this just can't hinder my future relationships anymore than it already has. Otherwise Sexy Dexy is going to be getting a lot more brothers and sisters, and I'm too much of a dog person to become a full blown cat lady.
(However Dex is really cute so I thought I'd include some pics :) hehe)

Whatever the outcome, I have faith it will work out. My mom and I are off to a sex toy shop (thank god she's super awesome like that), because I didn't bring my supply with me. (I wonder if that will be reimbursed by insurance hahah). The title "Accepting Applications" more of a joke, but isn't that the theme of life. Are we not always accepting applications until we meet our someone? This just means that the man I end up with, will be the best kind of man, because he WILL be willing to deal with all of this, and not because he HAS too, but because he WANTS too. My bar has just been set higher. Clearly I'm a closet romantic, but hey by combining that with the dream of becoming a sex therapist into the perfect career- hello event and wedding planning!

So until that time comes and I'm stuck with cats, I'll stick with rabbits for now.... you know, to follow doctors orders ;)

Pet Scans and Sex Bans

So today was interesting. My alarm went off at 7 am and my mum swooped in right on cue with "Honey did you want salmon or grilled chicken?" I was not allowed to eat after 730 and even then I was only allowed protein. Salmon it was, then I went back to sleep.

I was up at one pm and out the door by 1:30. We met my dad at South Jersey Radiology where the scan was being performed. I was ushered into a tiny room with a hospital recliner chair. Not to be confused with a lazy boy, these things are plastic and green. A lazy boy would have been a nice surprise. I was only allowed to bring one parent in with me, which to be honest made me a little upset. I had one Valium on board, and although it wasn't even touching me (I have a high tolerance), I was less than impressed. I brought my mom in just because she used to be a nurse. I wanted both parents.

I was told I had to drink this god awful stuff called barium. I had three choices but went with mocha-chino. Regardless they would have sucked.

"I don't even drink milk, how in the hell am I supposed to get this down, I wish I had have brought a beer bong."

It was AWFUL. I just kept telling myself with every sip:

"This is a shot a cute boy bought you, and he just has really bad taste in shots but you like him so don't be rude."

I had a nurse put in an I.V. and she was actually really good. I have difficult veins so I was impressed. My dad got to come in and wish me luck but no one was allowed to be around me because they were about to inject a radioactive dye, so we said our good byes and I got to recline in the wannabe lazy boy.

I had two magazines, a book, my ipod and journal. I thought it would be funny to listen to the song "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons while they injected it, so I did. I laughed to myself. The nurse left the room because I had to sit alone for an hour while everything spread through my body. This just sounds SO healthy for me -_-

So I read Cosmo...

Usually my favorite thing to do EVER, now reading about sex and relationships makes me sad. I mean first off, its been a while... (Ok a long while) since I've had someone to engage in this form of exercise with. (What can I say, I'm picky.) I've always said it takes a lot of work to get there with me, but once you do, it's well worth the wait. But, now I worry. I mean I have a form of cancer that I'm not even sure what it is yet, in the most intimate of places. How will this affect me and my romantic future?

Lets go back... I used to have an irrational fear of dating (maybe still do) because I am a traditional romantic at heart. I was once broken up with by someone I considered to be the love of my life because and I quote

"I love you, but I don't know if I can ever be in love with you because I want kids and that is just something you cannot give me."

(Yes the chance of my having kids is almost zero with the amount of treatment I've had in the past.) So now, how do I start over with this added affliction? It's not like I don't want kids, I do, but I became ok with the fact that there are only so many things I am capable of a long time ago. Also, how many kids need fantastic homes? A lot, and I know how much I love my cat... so trust me I can give that love to a child. (Yes I did just compare loving a cat to a child, but bare with me- I'm trying to get my point across.) Its stupid, because a relationship should be based on the connection with the other person, not what they can potentially give you. How many times do you see people who married just because they wanted kids so badly and needed the other person's plumbing, but then they resent each other and end up being not so great parents because they don't really love the other person. But I developed this fear early on: that I couldn't give a man what he is biologically driven to want, so I'll be a write off right away. It really brings the quote from the movie, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" into focus because I feel that it describes how I feel and maybe have been feeling. It clearly describes why I have these impenetrable walls up:

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

So relationships are based on a multitude of things but lets be honest, one of the main components: sex.
So back to sex: How do I know that someone is someone I can trust and will be patient with me. It's not like I'll just be able to jump back in the saddle. I'm actually going to have to date the old fashioned way. Make them fall in love with me (and obviously vice versa) before we get intimate because that is going to be like losing my virginity all over again. (Yes I know this is how it should be anyway). How am I supposed to know that it will go ok. What if it doesn't, there is going to have to be a huge level of trust and understanding there. If the dating world wasn't already difficult enough, it just got a lot more complicated.

"Uh Hi, yea so my pooter hasn't exactly been behaving in the last year, sooo we may want to skip anything to do with that, and if we don't well I can't guarantee that it will be peachy keen, sooo hope you're now really turned on and excited!"

So how does this all tie together. I was waiting for my scan, reading cosmo, and the article about sex came up. Normally I would dive right in, but I just couldn't. My Valium clouded mind started racing, I've now had two at this point. Over my past loves, my present crushes and my future hopes for what could and may not be. Having cancer doesn't define me, but it is a huge part of who I am. It will take a lot for someone to realize that there is me, and then there is what has shaped me, and although I want nothing more than to feel normal, I am not a normal situation. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a huge metal machine, radioactive fluids pulsing through your veins while you're unable to move for a half an hour. All you have at that point is your mind and it can be your worst enemy.

I've always been one to do things for me and focus on me. But what is a life if you don't have someone to share your goals and accomplishments, successes and failures with? Where did our world go wrong in losing sight of the beauty of a partnership, friendship, and loving relationship. Why is being the power couple more important than being a couple who is so powerfully in love? How will this all affect me? Its been easy for me to not focus on it because I am career driven, but is career driven an excuse for scared?

I don't have the answers and when I got out of the scan, I had never felt more relieved. I came home and attempted going for a run. (Something I highly DO NOT recommend after barium and radioactive injections.) I took a shower, watched true blood and took a break from my thoughts. They were passing, fleeting, but they are there. Right now my fight is for me, and once I win, then I can worry about the superficiality of society and its effects on relationships and love. Until then, I have Cosmo, Vampire Eric and Vamp/Fairy Warlowe and Fifty Shades of Grey. :)