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Sunday, November 3, 2013

You're Worth The Whole Damn Lot

"Even if he/it/whatever breaks your heart, I feel like you're underestimating your worth."

Words that I've heard over and over but every time I feel an ounce of rejection I never listen to them. Why is it when we look in the mirror we see everything that we are not. Wouldn't it be nice to see what other people saw, to see what we are? To take a minute and listen to all the things people have told you about yourself, that are positive! Not because they were just saying something because they thought you needed to hear it, to make you feel better...
"NOOOO You don't look Fat. Oh he totally is going to regret breaking up with you. You look awesome bald."
but because they actually meant it, because it's true!

Why can we as humans not introspectively agree with what we are told about our selves, that is positive?

SO here it is for me.

I've said it before I'll say it again, and this time not subtle. I cannot have kids- radiation, chemo, killed that for me. I can't remember anything... (I apologize if I've repeated things 100x, forgotten basic things or forgotten to respond to emails and messages) -Thanks chemo for the memory or lack thereof. Right now, I can't have sex. Radiation & chemo, killed that for a while. I mean if we're playing the blame game lets say
"HEY Cancer- you've F****** $#!% up for me."
However, could this be the universe forcing into my skull what people who know me and care about me have been trying to tell me all along? You're pretty awesome even without kids, memory, sex life, etc. i.e. things that I think make me... different, imperfect, ::insert negative adjective here::

Your personality is so top notch, your outlook is so positive, you're randomly talented (make-up artistry, hula hoop instructor, bracelet maker, etc.), you're funny and witty (although half the time its not intentional), you're smart... ok book smart, and smart about really random things (close friends know my secret intellectual genius topic) and well ok smart-smart is debatable, NO math please. (Natural blonde after all). You're pretty, some may say hot, some may say gorgeous and realistically some may say not at all you're gross, (But to each their own and eff them, we're not talking about those people right now.)

Is it possible that everything I think I don't have/or am not right now (or ever) could be overlooked because all my good qualities outweigh what I'm "lacking"?

Life is one big pros and cons list. Isn't that what love is after all, a pros and cons list. I mean seriously, the "Perfect" person is not actually perfect. BUT, what one person may see as someone's flaws, i.e. what makes them different, and obviously their good qualities that make them different, is what makes them perfect for you. Hear me out.

SO in search of "perfection". It's not about being perfect as an individual, as in the perfect person. It's about being in the perfect situation.
It's about someone making you FEEL perfect, because you're not. No one is, but finding that person who can make you FEEL perfect, even with your imperfections, that's perfection.
Not pointing your imperfections out to you, but embracing them and loving them, because that's what makes you different and that's what makes you you.

SO, do I wish I was more stylish, yup. Do I want my long hair back, desperately but it will grow. Do I wish I could have kids, someday. Do I want to have sex tomorrow... hahah for me to know. Do I wish this and that about myself... of course. Do I want to lose 30 lbs yes, will I prob be WAY too skinny, well duh but whatever, I see myself completely different than others. Because I like every other human underestimates my worth. Unless you're one of those cocky bastards, but once again we're not talking about you.

However, when I look at myself I see things that someone who has never met me wouldn't, and maybe even people who have met me don't. I see fight. I see a body that has been through battle after battle in a seemingly never ending war, full of obvious battle wounds... but they're the illustrations to a story that is mine. A story that I'm damn proud of, because although it has made me "different" and "imperfect" it has made me, well me.
I see someone who wants to do a million things with her life, and some may say I'm indecisive but I say, I'm interested in multiple things and don't want to be complacent or bored or ... unhappy. I see someone who goes after what she wants... and right now that is life, to be alive. Not just to live but to live fulfilled.

It may not happen tomorrow. It may not happen next week, but life happens and I'm so lucky to be alive. So, although I underestimate my worth, it makes me strive to be better, it reminds me I'm alive and what a beautiful gift that is. A gift that reminds me that I am worthy. I may not see it or believe it sometimes, but luckily I have those people reminding me that the superficial things I feel I lack, doesn't take away from who I am or what I deserve, it makes me who I am, and that much more deserving of not perfection, but the perfect situation.

Oh and just because .... Fuck Cancer. I've said it before I'll say it again. You may win a few battles here and there, but there's no way in hell you're going to win this war. I'm UNKILLABLE. Oh if only I could actually be a Vampire ;)


  1. Court - this is Jim (your moms friend)...I have never commented on your posts other than to your mom, and of course I have told you directly how talented of a writer I think you are. This blog kicks ass honey - you nailed the human condition/frailty that takes so many people (me included) off their game, off their confident nature, allowing personal doubts - that we have all the time in the world - to stew upon and then exaggerate their impact - to screw up our actual "for real" self worth. My mother used to tell me I was my own worst enemy, and I think that is natural for many folks. Personal critique is great and it helps us all to remain humble - and not be those asses you referenced (lol!!) but never let it be any more than a governor on your ego. You are an extraordinary person with awesome gifts to share. I think you get that and I am glad you do given all you have faced. Dont ever discount yourself because of shit that has happened... And God knows it has. What you do after you are screwed is so much more important than anything that happened to cause the fall...and Court, you have got so damn much going on, such an impressive, fresh, bright perspective, incredible sense of humor, and yes you are beautiful, that what you do next is just going to be fun to watch!....Its easy for me to tell you how I see you and am so impressed, I hope you see it every time you look in the mirror and you chuckle and say - yeah FU cancer - I am fucking unkillable!! Love that shirt --- Oh...and how about those Birds?! where the f was this Foles against Dallas?

  2. Courtney:

    Great post! And, I agree with Jim, you've got so much going on Courtney that it's going to be fun to watch what you do next. As to "perfection", all I can think of is a line from an old Warren Zevon song: "I'm all alone on the road to perfection." Perfection is a lonely game.

    Keep writing and all together now, in three part harmony, "Fuck Cancer".

    John in Peterborough