The Chemo Begins & The Fever Wins.

I'm in a fog. I walk from room to room in a daze. Its as if the world is flying by me at racing speeds and I'm stuck in slow motion. My head feels like 100 pounds, full of a haze. I feel like a ghost walking in between the realms of life and the escape and ease of heaven. Just watching everyone live around me, wanting to join in but stuck, just stuck.

Each day becomes one in the same. Except chemo day, Wednesdays. On radiation days we drive our hour long trek for my 20 minute radiation treatment. Then we leave. I usually get home and go right to sleep. Its exhausting.

This past Wednesday was a little different. We went and did my radiation as usual. Then we went and registered for chemo. I then went to see Dr. D where we discussed my nausea the night before.

It had hit me around 1am and my sister was luckily awake. She came in and brought me some Gingerale. She put my books away and closed my laptop, turned of my light and rubbed my back. The nausea subsided for a little while and then it came back. It was just one of those uncomfortable nights. Dr. D the next day said it was anticipatory nausea which makes sense. Although its been 5 years since I've last done chemo, I remember it well. I remember being nauseous, and in pain and all of the complications that came with it. All of the complications I don't want to remember or be reminded of.

So in his office he went over the chemo, and they got me scheduled in for the next 6 weeks. We talked about pre-treating with 2 meds to prevent the nausea. With chemo, its all about the nausea. I have no appetite. Nothing about food excites me, and believe me this is not normal with me. When I do eat, its hard, nothing is good. We got prescriptions for Ativan and were on our way.

The chemo place was on the other side of the hospital. We were off. When we got to the floor there were 6 chemo chairs. There were two nurses working the unit and about 4 other patients already receiving their chemo. They were all over the age of at least 55.

I was getting anxious, I went pee, and came back and got comfortable. The nurse R got me prepped for my IV. She was the sweetest. She had a sadness in her eyes, something about her, just full of so much empathy. She talked slowly and sweetly, almost like a lullaby. We told her how my veins were impossible and she not only got the first stick but when we took the IV out later that day, barely noticed it. She was clearly used to working with people who are poked day in and day out and don't have much to work with.

Once my IV was in they started with 1mg of Ativan, to calm my nerves and my nausea. Then they began to run fluids because chemo can be hard on your kidneys and so they needed to flush them out. My sister and I were chatting and I was a little hazy, and still feeling nauseous. They brought around a lunch menu and I got really excited. I was excited at the idea of the food, but not for the food its self because I didn't eat any of it. Food and me are not getting along at the moment. It could also be a subconscious thing, if there is nothing in my stomach to throw up, then I wont be sick. Regardless its not a fun feeling.

We had a clown come in, and she was super sweet. She had a teddy bear on her tush.... and when we asked why it was there she said, "Because thats my Bear @$$" hahah.

Eventually my haze was taking over. The storm was full blown encapsulating my brain in a fog I could no longer fight and I was out. It may have been the second mg of Ativan or just the stress of the situation but I was done. I slept through the rest of the chemo. I woke up to just as much of a fog. I remember them taking my IV out and us leaving. Getting in the car, getting home, and waking up in my bed. All I wanted to do was sleep.

My skin turned pink like bubblegum because I was having a reaction to the Dex which is one of the drugs used to pretreat for nausea. This was it, here come the chemo side effects. All I wanted to do was sleep. My body temperature continued changing from hot to cold to hot to cold. Friday night I woke up constantly through the night, tossing and turning. Saturday morning I woke up to realize I had a fever at around 99. If it gets up to 101- I have to be admitted into the hospital.

Its Saturday now, with the rate of progression, I may start to feel better by Tuesday, and then I will have to start all over again. The radiation is just making me severely uncomfortable. I have to pee all the time. My back pain has ten fold increased. Its easier to let my mind stay in the fog then to come out of it and deal with reality. I have moments of clarity, like when my mum and I went to Barnes and Noble last night to pick up a book a friend said I HAD to read. I also painted my nails. I was out of it, I didn't feel well, but I had enough energy to do a few basic things. Those moments are far and few between and I'm so glad my mum and I had as much fun as we possibly could before I started treatment.

Now I've started. I'm ready to just continue and get this finished. If this is week one, then its not going to be easy in the slightest. But nothing worthwhile is easy.