Very Last Doc Apt of 2013

Today is my very LAST doctors appointment of 2013. Hormone Therapy (where they will insert pellets into my hip that time release the hormones into my body- because of course I was allergic to the less invasive forms.) Regardless- MY VERY LAST APPOINTMENT OF 2013. :D

It feels like just yesterday when realistically it was almost a year ago that I was looking my dad in the eye and saying

"I don't know what or why but something is wrong."

I had symptoms, I was stressed, I was tired but I just didn't believe it. Now here I am leaving battle and walking into peace negotiations.

No doctor has a magic ball and can tell me conclusively what I want to hear. They can never say with certainty

"You are cancer free."

I have to now be proactive about living as healthily as I can and as consciously as I can. I have to now listen to that voice. When my gut says to me again

"I don't know why or what but something is wrong"

I will bang down the doors of heaven until I figure it out and shut that voice up. I read a book a long time ago that said our gut is there for a reason. I can't remember but something about it being an evolutionary defense mechanism. Well gosh darnit, that makes sense.

So my PET scan lit up because of inflammation caused by the residual effects of radiation. The radiation takes months to leave my body. Which explains why I've been so tired and run down. I still have toxic radiation coursing through my veins. The post effects of the treatment, they don't disappear over night. On top of that, I'm a rare case/bird and therefore don't heal like the average person. Also the doses of radiation I received were extremely high. My lymph nodes are clear and that is huge! HUGE!

Basically Dr. D told me,

"You need to relax, de-stress and let your body heal. This is not going to happen over night, it will take months for you to be clean of the radiation and feel normal again."

Normal? What is normal? That is seriously a term I've forgotten over the years. Relax and let my body heal, UGH this is going to be so hard for a girl who can't sit still. However whenever I tried to test this theory my body reminded me to sit down, shut up and listen. I went out with a friend on Friday for another friends birthday and through out the course of the night had two SMALL glasses of wine (ANTIOXIDANTS). With multiple glasses of water in between and a HUGE dinner. (Ps- yes those are extensions.)

However the next morning after running errands with my mom, I ended up puking on the side of a highway.

"Mom, I think you should get into the right lane."

"Why honey? Is everything ok?"

::As she was pulling into the right lane::

"Um No"

:: Open door, proceed to puke, profusely.:: The rest of the weekend sucked. It was a lot of the same thing. My sister bringing me gingerale and zofran (Anti Nausea medication). It was most likely just a stomach bug, but one night of very simple social interaction, brought me back down to real life.

"YOU ARE RECOVERING"

is basically what my body was screaming at me. Or it could just be a coincidence. But still, really?

So the news from the doctor- can't be perfect. I will have check ups. All the time. My first being in January. Pet Scans, bloodwork. I'm never done this fight. Now it's just preventative and I'm ok with that, because at least I'm here to have a life to be preventive with. This in no way means I'll stop living. Not even close, not even a little bit. If anything, it means I'm just getting started.

I'm packing up my bags because I'm heading home. I'm going to have to start slow, but at least I get to start!

2 Months Have Passed, 1 Month at Last?

My first blog post was on Sunday August 4th. This means I got the call on Friday August 2nd that I was sick again. Today is the 30th of September. In two days, it will officially be two months since I was diagnosed again with Cancer.

Its amazing how time flies. Its not just when you're having fun, its when you're miserable too. Why else would you look back on your life and wish you had spent it differently. Not everybody, but I'm sure a lot of people do. So in essence, maybe its not time that flies but your life.

I had plans for this weekend. Actually I've have plans for the last few weekends. I've had plans for the weekdays too. How many of those plans have I accomplished- none. I wanted to go to Color Me Mine to paint pottery with my mum. Specifically to make Dex his own personalized food bowl. All of the cats in the Druce Ladies household have had one. But nope. There's been movies I've wanted to see, but nope. I was supposed to go apple picking with my mum yesterday but that didn't happen either. We made it 5 minutes in the car before the discomfort and pain, I was trying to hide peeked out from behind the facade of my eagles jersey and fake smile. I didn't even get to watch said Eagles game. I passed out on the couch, only to wake up to see the end of the fourth quarter and Payton's world domination. So clearly I didn't miss much. I have friends in town visiting and I don't get to see them very often since I moved to Canada, and I can't even pull it together for an hour to get a quick visit in. Homework, nope. Bracelet making, I came close. I picked out the beads and then was exhausted. I can barely make it up a flight of stairs with out it committing me to my bedroom and la la land.

I officially hit the place, of being sick, where you forget what being healthy feels like. Two months. With one more month of radiation to go. I was so excited about being done chemo, and people were excited for me, but what people seem to forget is I still have to do radiation. Radiation is the source of all of the aforementioned side effects. The pain is not from chemo, its from the radiation. The nausea is from the pain, and from the radiation deteriorating my GI tract. Chemo was a baby step, radiation is my demon.

I wake up each day for radiation and can't call in sick. HA- I find this hilarious. I mean if it was school or work, or whatever, I'd call in sick feeling the way I do. But I have to shuttle my @$$ to radiation everyday. Thank goodness my mum or sis drive me or I wouldn't make it there.

All I can do successfully right now is lay in bed and watch Netflix. I can barely eat, it makes the situation much much worse for me. When I have those few shining moments of being able to eat, I embrace them with a vengeance.

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on getting better but in reality how does one do that? How can I do anything differently than I already am. I have no energy to do anything. All I can focus on is sleep. I feel like a terrible friend, losing touch with people whom I miss dearly. I can barely handle a phone convo some days. I feel like a terrible granddaughter. I just am mentally wiped.

However, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although it doesn't seem like it, I know I wont feel like this forever.

I'm angry at my body. In fact I hate it. If I thought I was self conscious before, now I'm on a whole other level. The best part is, I'm too tired to care, well almost.

I know I'm going to start feeling better. I know I'm going to have an amazing recovery. I know I'll be able to get back in to the gym, curse at my trainer for making me do squats but then get my perky tush back. I know I'm going to go back to work and love it. I know all these things will come, but its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I have a sleep mask on.

So where does that leave me today? Well, I have my mom keeping me afloat. I have Dexter who is by far the best man any woman can ask for. All he wants is approval, love, and food. He snuggles hard core and I love him. I have a few close friends who are rockstars, because when I don't have the energy to be the best of friends, they don't hold it against me. My sis, who YAY is back from her festival. STOP LEAVING BUTT HEAD lol. I've got this, I do. But I'm tired. As each day passes, so does another day that I could be living my life. Then again, I'm alive and shouldn't I be grateful for that? I'm being selfish, I know this. I need to be appreciative for what I have and not what I want. I need to be appreciative for being alive, having my fam and Dex instead of wanting to be the best at life.

Until then...

Surprise! Very Last Chemo... Hopefully EVER!

Chemo Surprise!

So today was a great day for surprises. I came to the hospital as usual for radiation and chemo and went through the motions like I usually would. When I went to meet Dr. D, they had quite the surprise for me, Today was my last day for chemo. Granted before I get super excited this IS contingent upon a few things. So. I have radiation for a few more weeks. Then I have surgery on October tenth for the sleeve. (I'll explain later). After that I start high dose radiation which will take two and a half weeks. I'll do a PET scan to see where we're at. If my lymph nodes look good, and I responded to the radiation the way I am supposed too, then I wont need any more chemo.

Because I'm never going to get cancer again (Because I think I've had just about enough with 4 bouts) today could be my very last chemo dose for the rest of my life. Never again will I have to inject my self with toxic chemicals. Worry about my liver, or my hair, or kidneys or any of the pain in the ass side effects. Never, Like EVER again! This is a really exciting encouraging thought.

While meeting with the nurse in Dr. D's office as she was telling me this I was ecstatic.

"OMG, so I'm officially done chemo after today, all my pooter hair has fallen out from the chemo and the radiation, so I'll be done chemo and I got a pain free bikini wax."

My mom shook her head, ::palm to forehead:: giggling while the Nurse AM replied

"Nothing Courtney says shocks me anymore."

Hahah best response ever. I love that my nurses and my docs know me well.

We went into Dr. D's office to talk about the surgery and whats to come. Basically they insert a plastic sleeve or shunt into my lady bits. Its so that when they place the high dose radiation into my pooter- it affects only the necessary cancer and not the surrounding healthy tissue.

"Ok doc, so this isn't going to break my pootang right? I mean when am I supposed to start the vaginal dilators."

My mom once again ::palm to forehead::

"Mom... I'm just trying to protect my investment."

The answer by the way was when I'm done the high dose radiation, and no it should not break my pootang.

SO my day consisted of my docs writing me for more pain meds.

"You need to stop being a hero and take the meds."

Option b, instead of taking the pain meds would be to take a break from radiation but I just want to be done with ALL of this. SO I was like ok, write em up. I can and will endure the pain, because as experienced today, there is no better feeling than hearing you're done. I can imagine how great hearing you're cured is going to be. How great "You can have sex again" is going to be. How unreal amazing "You can go back to Canada" will be. Oh and "Yes you can start working a few shifts again" ALL of these amazing things I can't wait to hear. They began today with "TOday is your last chemo treatment."

As I laid receiving my last chemo treatment it was weird. I mean, I wish I had have had a heads up. I would have brought cake. Lots of Carrot Cake. I LOVE the nurses on my chemo unit. Two of my favs weren't even there to say good bye. Luckily S and B were. B always hooks me up so that I can have a private room and bed for chemo treatments because they were 3+ hours long and I felt crappy. So sitting in a plastic wanna be lazy boy chair sucked in comparison to a bed, even a hospital one. Plus my mum got a desk to get some work and school work done. S slipped me a little going away present, which was the sweetest. She got me GORGEOUS silver earrings. Something I can get excited about wearing when I actually feel well enough to leave my house. I'm really going to miss them.

As I was leaving the unit, I looked at the empty chemo bag and it was the best F YOu ever! I got to ring the bell at the desk! Its a Lankenau tradition and I absolutely can't wait to ring my radiation bell, after my last radiation treatment! In fact its going to sound like a damn marching band is going through. The other patients better turn their hearing aids down.

SO I feel like crappola. The last dose of chemo is really taking its toll. However, at least I'm feeling like crap with a smile on my face. E, my pseudo older sister was in Canada and brought me back Quaker Crispy Minis in Dill Pickle, Salt and Vinegar and Ketchup. I'm like the happiest kid alive. You can't get them in the states and they're my guilty pleasure. So I'm munching on those whenever I have to take pain meds. You can't take the pain meds on an empty tummy.

I'm so close... yet so far!!


BOOM- Baby steps on the train of stops with amazing things to hear. One stop at a time.

Here we go! KOO KOO KAA CHOOOOO CHOOOO

Too Much Cheese- Oh Please.

Stauffers Mac and Cheese. It comes in a box in the frozen food section of the grocery store. Its something I know all too well.

If you had have asked me to eat it about a year ago, I may have vomited just thinking about it. But tonight, I'm nauseous, I'm hungry, I need to eat something, and Stauffers Mac and Cheese is all I want.

I hate what it represents, but I need to eat something.

When I was in Transplant, and maybe even before during the first round at Sick Kids in Toronto, (I can't remember) I was only allowed to eat and drink a few things. I refused to eat the hospital food. I still do. It repulses me. I could only drink Aquafina or Dasani water. Those are two brands that are pasteurized and with my compromised immune system in transplant, I had to be so careful. It was awful how strict they were. I couldn't have someone bring me McDonalds or Wendys if I wanted it. Foods had to be cooked to kill anything potentially harmful. When I say potentially harmful, I mean only to me. Not to an average person with an immune system. This really limited my options. This is where Stauffers and Cup O Noodle comes in. I would eat it for every meal. In fact typing this now, cup o noodles actually sounds pretty good.

When I'm out of the hospital, I can't touch these things. They remind me of chemo, and nausea and feeling terrible. They represent me being sick. So tonight, it hit me, I am sick, again. I was laying on my couch rolling around in pain, starving but having no appetite. While my mom went through a horde of options, none of which sounded appealing, I could taste Stauffers mac and cheese in my mouth.

"Mum, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I want Stauffers."

We hopped in the car and off we went to the grocery store.

"Are you sure babe?"

I couldn't believe it either. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE Kraft dinner, but its not the same thing. Something about Stauffers, and my stomach on chemo- it just works.

When we got home, I popped it in the microwave. I was too hungry to wait to cook it in the oven. The smell reigniting the feeling of being in the hospital. Taking me back to that place, where this was something I wanted, I needed because nothing else would do. As I stirred it, mixed emotions floated through me.

You only eat this when you're sick. You only want this when you're on chemo. You're really sick and on chemo.

Its amazing how the simplest thing can reignite a feeling. A smell, a song, a touch, can take you right back to a moment that its so real you actually feel like its happening all over again.

For me, the smell didn't ignite the nausea or fear of being back in the hospital, because I am sick again and luckily not in the hospital but in the same mindset. We loaded up on the Stauffers; meatloaf, Salisbury steak, lasagne, noodles and meat in meat sauce. None of which sounds appealing to me, but when I'm nauseous and hungry - will be all I'll want. It will be interesting to ask me in about a year, when I've beaten this and am back to eating normally, healthy, how I feel about Stauffers, because I bet I'll be repulsed. Until then, I'm finally going to bed with a full tummy.

Its weird because last night a family friend brought my dinner, tortellini in a tomato cream sauce that was incredible, but my stomach wasn't having it. It's official, the chemo effects are taking action, I can only stomach Stauffers. Yay. Chemo tomorrow... lets do this. Its number 4 out of 6. Although they've added more radiation, I have yet to find out if they are going to add more chemo. The only plus side to this, I've finally lost all my pooter hair! YAY for never having to get a bikini wax again, or heck I hope its permanent. See, there's always a bright side ;)

Just a quickie.... because sometimes they're just as good.

So today.

Today is Wednesday and Wednesdays are chemo days. Chemo days suck. I wake up at quarter to 7, I sit in Philly traffic for what feels like forever. I get to the hospital, and here is the itinerary for a Wednesday.

1. Go to Radiation in basement. Get radiation.
2. Meet with radiation nurse, check weight, blood pressure. Go over symptoms etc.
3. Meet with Radiation doctor, (pelvic exam to check for radiation cystitus). Talk about effects of radiation. Talk about eagles.
4. Go to Admissions on far side of hospital (floor #1) to register as an inpatient for the day for chemo. Usually is time consuming and feels like a waste of time, but I really like visiting with the lady who registers me, so I don't mind it so much anymore.
5. Walk back to complete other side of hospital. Elevators to floor six. Sign in to Dr. D's office.
6. Meet with nurse, blood pressure, weight, temperature.
7. Go into examination room, go over symptoms, meds, etc. etc. etc.
8. Undress and wait for Dr. D. (Hello cow oven mitts)
9. Do pelvic, chat.
10. Wait to get paper work and prescriptions.
11. Take elevators to first floor and then walk back over to the side of the hospital where admissions is, the complete other side.
12. Take elevators to sixth floor.
13. GO in, get settled. Nurse does vitals. (Blood pressure, temp etc)
14. Starts IV.'
15. Draws blood to send for testing.
16. Starts running fluids while we wait for blood work results to flush out my kidneys, takes hour.
17. Blood work comes back normal, starts pre-treating for chemo. Anti nausea, steroids, anti anxiety. etc. etc.
18. Chemo takes about an hour and a half.
19. More fluids after chemo to flush out kidneys. Takes another hour.
20. Remove IV.
21. Take elevator to basement. Head to car.
22. Hour car ride home.
23. Come home. Sleep.

This is the bare bones of a chemo day. The chemo process is about 3-3.5 hours. We leave the house at around 7am and get home around 430 if we're lucky. Its long, its exhausting.

HOWEVER and I repeat in a BIG BOLD HOWEVER today was better than most chemo days. Why, because I got good news.

I've been miserable. I've been in a lot of pain. I am very drug sensitive and although I develop strong tolerances to some medications, others I simply do not tolerate very well. Cysplatin (my chemotherapy) and radiation, I have not tolerated well. Especially compared to other patients, I'm experiencing more severe side effects according to doc. I can honestly say, I'm not totally surprised. I do indeed have radiation cystitus. (The break down of my bladder, intestines and GI tract.) Its extremely painful. I can now admit, that I cry every day. Its embarrassing. I feel like a total chick. (But its allowed. I know).

So, today while catching up with Dr. D2, we went over the symptoms. He told us what we already know, that I've had EXTREMELY high dose radiation and that although it is early, I am sensitive and am not tolerating the chemo and radiation well. However, that could mean that it is working. Dr. D would have to be the one to confirm that. This was good news.

When I saw Dr. D, he did just that.

"The cancer is significantly smaller."

Those words were gold to my ears. Now reader alert: about to get graphic.
The reason going pee hurts so bad, is because bloody fleshy chunks fly out of me, and it burns, badly. I didn't have a yeast infection, it was indeed radiation cystitus. But now we know. I thought this was disgusting, these pieces, but Dr. Dr explained.

"That is the cancer breaking down, leaving your body."

So now I am hoping to see those disgusting pieces of hell more and more.

So here's a recap. Treatment is working. Treatment is painful. Treatment makes me sad and angry some days. Treatment hurts. BUT and I repeat BUT TREATMENT IS WORKING!

So this is the news I've been waiting for. When I'm a mess, and I'm cranky or upset or hurting, I just have to remind myself, this is not for nothing. You're going to be ok. You now don't have to 'just' believe that, because now you 'KNOW' you have evidence to back it up. Courtney Alisha, You're fighting, and just like you predicted, You're going to F^@%!#& Win!

Some This, Some That, #NerdAlert and Cat.

Today was an awesome day. I woke up at quarter to ten after my mom just walked around the upstairs like a buzzing alarm clock.

"Courtney, Court, CEEBEE, COURTNEY, coooooourtttttneeeey, COOOOOURT!"

After about three "I"M UP"'s I finally got up. I threw on my long grey and black maxi skirt and black lulu tank. I don't know what I would do with out my lulu, its just.... no really I don't know what I would do. My friend D tweeted a little while back

"One does not simply throw out Lulu"

or something to that effect and I remember laughing hysterically because its so true. I still own everything I've ever bought from there, even from when I first discovered it, about 8 years ago. I have some haggard lulu pieces exhausted from being worn to death, but I just simply cannot part. If there is a place, where lulu is not acceptable attire, I think I get uncomfortable. I've had friends literally stop me from walking out the door, because I don't fool them. I did not take leggings and make them bar chic. I'm in leggings, not even like dressy ones with shine or faux leather but lulu ones. They've busted me with a

"nice try, now go change, we're going to a country club (::insert anywhere fancy, ok not even that fancy here::) for dinner not the library!"

HAHAH Ok but enough about my obsession.

I was bouncing off the walls today. I couldn't sit still, and I don't know if its because I finally got an amazing sleep, which in actuality, I didn't or what, but I was just in a long overdue good mood. My body was starting to feel a little bit better having had the weekend off from chemo. The Eagles played tonight (AND OMG WON) and I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for the season to start. (Although it makes me really sad, because there's nothing I love more than working in a sports bar, and chirping customers on their "football knowledge" or lack thereof. Its a wonder I make any money.)

My mum and I headed into radiation and I was so me. I have these days where I'm feeling good, I'm perky, I'm loud, and I'm just the bubbly blonde that people know and expect. Then there are other days where I emulate Anna Wintour's signature scowl behind HUGE sunglasses. (She's the editor and chief of Vogue, basically who the Devil Wears Prada was based off of.)

On the way to radiation I saw a white SUV with Ontario plates. The homesick pangs hit me hard. I should have known from a mile back that they were from Canada, you can just tell. Philly drivers cant drive, like at all, and New Jersey ones either anally assault you by making you fear for your life, or sit, in the passing lane, on their phones with a confused look on their faces. Long story short, it was nice to see some fellow Canadians, even if they did, dare I say it, not realize I was one of their own and think I was a New Jersian.... GASP!

I think it hit home even more so because there was a benefit back home for me this past weekend that I couldn't attend. It was just so cool to see first hand the support of friends and family. Its really frustrating because I feel more confident with words on paper (or screen) than I do anything else but how do u adequately thank people. People donating their time and money and how can you honestly show them how grateful you are. If I could, I would write every individual a thank you note, but its just not realistic, although I would be the one to try. So thank you to all who were involved, A, D, R, K, C, K... etc. etc.

My mom was on a roll with the funnies today. I developed a twitter page for SassyBlonde (You can follow @SassyBlondeCBG) because I find I forget so many things through out the day. I think my most common hashtag will be #ShitMyMomSays. For example,

"Court I'm driving, can you cloud message that for me."

I was like Uh mom, what do you mean by cloud message. I'm thinking something related to Icloud. She's like

"You know the green cloud- to send messages."

I burst out with a

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Do you mean text or Imessage."

She's so cute, once again so smart but sooo just ... hahah love you mom. ooooh But I can't let her get off that easy. After radiation we went to get food. Take advantage when I have an appetite. So we went to get pizza slices at Vitos (we're going to try the Paleo diet so we splurged). As we're pulling in she see's a black Acura SUV, A black Honda SUV and a black Hyundai SUV.

"LOOK they're twins!!!"

I was like

"Uh mom, they're all different, the only thing in common is the color."

My dad doesn't get off so easy either though. He's a gem too... haha as much as I make fun of the rentals, we're so alike. I couldn't resist, I actually laugh every time I look at this. Can you say #NerdAlert

Today was a good day, but I got home and finally it started to hit me. Its amazing how fast I feel it, nauseous, tired. I mean in retrospect we're microwaving my insides. I sat on the couch, I watched criminal minds. I read, but I just couldn't have it. As I was walking into the hospital this morning, I got a flash of nausea, and I knew it was just me being classically conditioned to feel like $#!% from the hospital. I didn't want my couch to have that same association, so I ended up falling asleep upstairs. It was needed, I wasn't feeling so hot and I didn't want a repeat of last week. Last week was terrible for me. I started the week off with my lunch box all ready to go- kids went back to school, I went back to radiation.

Mid way through the week I was hating my life. On Wednesday at chemo, as I sat in my chemo chair, I zeroed in on two trash cans mentally calculating which one was closer. I was pale, I was not feeling well and I was ready to just hide.

Days like today remind me I'm going to feel better... eventually. I'm going to get back to my old self. Its going to suck and take time but it will happen! I have friends and family who's support is out of this world. My Eagles are winning. I've got good books, finally a Christian Grey to look forward too, and now a new fondness for Sons of Anarchy because of it. My parentals are hilarious and MY SIS IS BACK FROM A FESTIVAL! Finally butt head, I've missed ya. Most importantly, I've got Dex. As I so proudly proclaimed to my bff back home

"I send selfies, trying to look hot and my cat photo bombs me" #ThatsHowIRoll (selfie not attached)

The Chemo Begins & The Fever Wins.

I'm in a fog. I walk from room to room in a daze. Its as if the world is flying by me at racing speeds and I'm stuck in slow motion. My head feels like 100 pounds, full of a haze. I feel like a ghost walking in between the realms of life and the escape and ease of heaven. Just watching everyone live around me, wanting to join in but stuck, just stuck.

Each day becomes one in the same. Except chemo day, Wednesdays. On radiation days we drive our hour long trek for my 20 minute radiation treatment. Then we leave. I usually get home and go right to sleep. Its exhausting.

This past Wednesday was a little different. We went and did my radiation as usual. Then we went and registered for chemo. I then went to see Dr. D where we discussed my nausea the night before.

It had hit me around 1am and my sister was luckily awake. She came in and brought me some Gingerale. She put my books away and closed my laptop, turned of my light and rubbed my back. The nausea subsided for a little while and then it came back. It was just one of those uncomfortable nights. Dr. D the next day said it was anticipatory nausea which makes sense. Although its been 5 years since I've last done chemo, I remember it well. I remember being nauseous, and in pain and all of the complications that came with it. All of the complications I don't want to remember or be reminded of.

So in his office he went over the chemo, and they got me scheduled in for the next 6 weeks. We talked about pre-treating with 2 meds to prevent the nausea. With chemo, its all about the nausea. I have no appetite. Nothing about food excites me, and believe me this is not normal with me. When I do eat, its hard, nothing is good. We got prescriptions for Ativan and were on our way.

The chemo place was on the other side of the hospital. We were off. When we got to the floor there were 6 chemo chairs. There were two nurses working the unit and about 4 other patients already receiving their chemo. They were all over the age of at least 55.

I was getting anxious, I went pee, and came back and got comfortable. The nurse R got me prepped for my IV. She was the sweetest. She had a sadness in her eyes, something about her, just full of so much empathy. She talked slowly and sweetly, almost like a lullaby. We told her how my veins were impossible and she not only got the first stick but when we took the IV out later that day, barely noticed it. She was clearly used to working with people who are poked day in and day out and don't have much to work with.

Once my IV was in they started with 1mg of Ativan, to calm my nerves and my nausea. Then they began to run fluids because chemo can be hard on your kidneys and so they needed to flush them out. My sister and I were chatting and I was a little hazy, and still feeling nauseous. They brought around a lunch menu and I got really excited. I was excited at the idea of the food, but not for the food its self because I didn't eat any of it. Food and me are not getting along at the moment. It could also be a subconscious thing, if there is nothing in my stomach to throw up, then I wont be sick. Regardless its not a fun feeling.

We had a clown come in, and she was super sweet. She had a teddy bear on her tush.... and when we asked why it was there she said, "Because thats my Bear @$$" hahah.

Eventually my haze was taking over. The storm was full blown encapsulating my brain in a fog I could no longer fight and I was out. It may have been the second mg of Ativan or just the stress of the situation but I was done. I slept through the rest of the chemo. I woke up to just as much of a fog. I remember them taking my IV out and us leaving. Getting in the car, getting home, and waking up in my bed. All I wanted to do was sleep.

My skin turned pink like bubblegum because I was having a reaction to the Dex which is one of the drugs used to pretreat for nausea. This was it, here come the chemo side effects. All I wanted to do was sleep. My body temperature continued changing from hot to cold to hot to cold. Friday night I woke up constantly through the night, tossing and turning. Saturday morning I woke up to realize I had a fever at around 99. If it gets up to 101- I have to be admitted into the hospital.

Its Saturday now, with the rate of progression, I may start to feel better by Tuesday, and then I will have to start all over again. The radiation is just making me severely uncomfortable. I have to pee all the time. My back pain has ten fold increased. Its easier to let my mind stay in the fog then to come out of it and deal with reality. I have moments of clarity, like when my mum and I went to Barnes and Noble last night to pick up a book a friend said I HAD to read. I also painted my nails. I was out of it, I didn't feel well, but I had enough energy to do a few basic things. Those moments are far and few between and I'm so glad my mum and I had as much fun as we possibly could before I started treatment.

Now I've started. I'm ready to just continue and get this finished. If this is week one, then its not going to be easy in the slightest. But nothing worthwhile is easy.

Lymph Node Biopsy, with drugs and pickles :)

As I rolled over in my bed, my back instantly had a shooting pain like Zeus shooting a lightening bolt. I woke up instantly from the pain. 5:55am. Great. I still have 35 minutes until I have to be awake. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth like gum sticks to your shoe. I was so parched. I knew I was allowed one sip of water to take my meds, so I decided to use it wisely. I got a perc and my other two morning meds and savored that one single sip like it was going to be my last. Frustrated because it was not even remotely enough, I knew that being in a little discomfort now, would override vomiting my brains out later, so I let it go.

I crawled back into bed and grabbed my phone. Figured I could find something to kill time with on there. Solitaire, Yahtzee, Euchre, OOH a text from crush.

"Good Luck Today :**:".

Those are the kinds of things that make waking up on a day like this a whole lot nicer. It was the perfect start to my day!

My mum walked in to see if I was awake and was shocked that I was.

"What are you doing up?"

I told her about my back and how I was a little anxious about what was ahead. She told me to get ready to go and I was like fine. I threw on my VS cropped sweats, a lulu top and my Lady Gaga zip up hoodie. I was like there's no point in a bra because I'll have to take it off anyway. Tuxx was snuggled on my bed, and I so would have rather just crawled under my *new* covers and hid with him. But, it was go time. I grabbed my book and purse and normally a water bottle, but was forced to continue being parched... so I walked. It was like walking the plank on a pirate ship... those slow dragging your feet steps, to your demise.

We got in the car and were off. It was one of those, I just want to talk about boys kind of days. So I did and it was great, because the car ride flew by. J, my mum's partner in crime, who came with us had some great guy advice.

"I would go with *, he seems like a genuinely good guy."

We went over the pros and cons and it was actually really fun to discuss it with someone who wasn't a chick.

"It's not even really like it matters right now, I'm currently not exactly in the dating pool."

In fact if I were to fully jump in, I'd probably drown. Of course when I was healthy, the pool was empty, but now that I'm sick again, its just been cleaned, refilled, the ph is perfect and its sunny with a chance of hotties, lots of them.

As we were driving to the hospital we got a call around 7:44am. (We had left the house at 7, and it takes about an hour to get there.) It was the booking lady from Interventional Radiology. (My moms phone goes through the blue tooth in her car so we could all hear.)

"Hi, this is L from I.R., we were just wondering where you were because Courtney is supposed to be on the table at 8 and you were supposed to be here at 7:30"

My mom extremely agitated said,

"I thought so, but we got a call last night after 6pm from K and she said that it had been moved to 8:30 and that we didn't need to be there until 8."

The lady got a little more agitated and was like

"Well we don't have a K in our department so I don't know who called you. We gave you your paperwork and it said 7:30. How long do you think you'll be?"

We told her we were getting there as fast as we could. Never a dull moment with us. My mum being in the medical field was exceptionally frustrated because we were just doing what we were told. How were we supposed to know that this rando person was calling us with misinformation, even after my mom questioned it to her. Later in pre op, the nurses told us not to worry because this isn't the first time this has happened so I felt a lot better. The rest of the car ride however, we boogied.

I got a little antsy by this call. Now I was just thinking to myself

"Great, they're going to be rushed and mess something up."

As if I wasn't already nervous. We took a new route which we loved, Thank you Dr. D2. When we got there my mum had me jump out and run to admissions to register. She and J valeted the car. I went in and explained the situation and was like

"LOOK, I'm kinda in a rush because there was a miscommunication, so I know you need me to sign the sheet, wait my turn and stuff, but they need me up there now."

She looked at me, with absolutely no expression in her face (obviously one of those people who LOVED their job) and said

"Sign the sheet, we'll call you when its your turn."

So I did. My mum came in and I explained. I had gotten even antsier after about 4 minutes of waiting, so I said

"I'm just going to go upstairs to the unit, you wait, and I'll let them know I'm here but that they're taking their sweet @$$ time down here."

It was go time. On my way out, there was this huge piano, I wanted to go belt out a round of heart and soul so badly, but the sign said I wasn't allowed. It was a good thing I was running late or anything could have happened.

I got to the floor and the girls were SO nice. It was different then the outpatient surgery unit I had been on for my EUA. I had my own private room, with a tv and a closet. It was nice that my mum could wait there instead of a generic waiting room with infomercials. I was fascinated that they left a love note on the toilet.

"Sanitized for your protection."

I was like well thank you for thinking of my tush!

My mum and J left admissions because they were still taking too long. I got undressed into the sexiest that hospital wear has to offer. After they put in my iv, I had a mini photo shoot. When I get nervous, I do whatever I can to take my mind off of it. Be funny, or at least try, talk, dance sing whatever.

The nurses went over a bunch of questions with me, since they had to register me. While they did that, I braided my hair to get it out of the way. I was getting antsy again.

We were almost ready to head to Interventional Radiology. They told me I had to pee first. All I wanted was ice chips of some sort. My mouth felt like I had eaten a spoonful of flower. It was rollin time.

We got into the IR pre op area. It was nice. I met my new nurse S and the first thing I noticed was her pocket on her scrubs. It was full of syringes which I knew were full of happy medicine. I was ready and excited. At least if I was going to be scared $#!%less we could get the happy drugs flowing. Her and my mum started talking about the IV I already had. Apparently it was only a 22, and because I was going to be receiving contrast (The dye to make everything visible in the catscan) I needed at least a 20. (The smaller the number, the bigger the needle 20>22). I was most likely going to need another IV and I was not excited about that. S, however had already gotten on my mom's good side. My mum being a former nurse can tell when someone knows their $#!%. I later found out during my procedure (because yes I was akwake) that S, had a shit szu. I should have known, no wonder she and my mom were instantly on the same page.

The doctor came in and introduced himself He seemed really relaxed and like he totally knew his stuff. He went on to describe the procedure to which I stopped him.

"I'm sorry I really would rather not know what you're doing."

I put my hands over my ears and started humming like a 5 year old. I knew If I knew what was going on, I would break down into a ball of nerves. He left and the nurses continued to prep me.

After I was almost finished prepping it was time to take me to the Cat Scan procedure room. I would have to say good bye to my mum at the door. The team got me rolling and I met the other two nurses. I felt so comfortable with all three. I knew this wasn't going to be as bad as I thought but I was still nervous. As we were rolling I said

"Who has two thumbs and needs drugs- THIS GIRL!"

When we got into the procedure room the first things I saw were the cat scanner and the table. They asked if I could walk and I was like totally. I laid down and that was when it hit me. This was happening. I started shaking, and they thought I was just cold, and I might have been, but I was nervous as hell. They put warm blankets on me and started prepping me to get me into position. If they were pushing the Versaid, I didn't feel it. I felt nothing. Tears started to stream, and S knelt down beside me and started talking me through it.

"Its ok Court, you're doing absolutely great"

I kept apologizing for shaking but I couldn't help it.

"Stop apologizing, you're doing great. Just try and breathe, relax and let the drugs work."

I kept trying to breathe. I even thought for a few minutes to try my ujjayi breathing technique. Its a yoga breathing technique to generate heat and energy for flow yoga classes. I don't know how well that worked and I probably looked crazy. The nurses and doctor had to leave the room a few times for me to go into the cat scan machine. They put the second IV in and luckily the meds worked in the sense that I didn't feel it. The tears would always flow even faster during the cat scan parts because I think I felt the most alone and exposed. They came back out and placed a sticker of sorts on my tummy. It felt like a graph. C, one of the cat scan techs injected the dye and then I went back into be scanned.

After I had been scanned for what felt like the third time, the nurses came in and the doc started smearing something all over my tummy. OH great. So that part that I didn't want to hear about in pre op was about to happen. Then he said

"Tiny pinches"

. Tears were now pulsating down my cheek as if they were in a race to see who could fall the fastest. Dr. B poked me with lidocaine needles which hurt more then you would expect. "Ugh more scars for my tummy" was all I was thinking. As Dr. B was poking, S was simultaneously shooting me up with more drugs. One of the nurses was stroking my head to try and calm me down and another was holding my hand. I knew something intense must have been coming. Everything was a little blurry at this point but I remember the tears. There were so many which is why is was blurry. It was as if it was pouring rain and the windshield washers just could not keep up fast enough. I felt an odd sensation in my tummy. I could see the cold bright lights. I could hear the nurses. S,

"Breathe Court, let the meds work, you're doing awesome. We're almost done."

They sent me in to the scan again, and then Dr. B came to talk to me. He pulled out what must have been the biopsy tube and it felt like pulling a huge sliver out. I could feel the wiggly cord as it came slithering out.

"I'm very sorry Courtney, but we're not going to be able to complete the procedure. I'm not out to prove anything today and its just not safe to continue. We've been in here for about 2 hours and I don't want to risk it."

TWO HOURS? It had felt like twenty minutes. I was devastated that it had all been for nothing. This meant more radiation.

I think because I was finally able to relax, or so I thought, knowing that it was over and there would be no more pain, I blacked out for a little bit. I woke up in the IR recovery room and was given some Ativan. Although I was no longer scared I was upset. I wanted my mom. She had apparently gone on a coffee run and there was a miscommunication about whether we would go to her, or she to us. I was given gingerale, or shasta. haha I don't even know, and my favorite peanut butter crackers. While I waited, S showed me pics of her shit szu, Lady. She was a little muffin. All of the nurses were ordering food, and it made me realize how hungry I really was. I started to get a little emotional because the time was really ticking by. My mum wasn't coming to us, and I knew it. Not because she didn't want too, because I knew that if she knew I wanted her there... she would have come barreling in, but because someone didn't relay to her that I was ready. S could see the despair in my eyes as the tears started welling up again. She told them,

"I'm taking Court upstairs, you guys can wait for me to order food."

She took me up and bumped the bed into the wall.

"See, I'm terrible with these things, its like bumper beds when I drive."

For a moment a smile broke through the tears and I was feeling relieved.

We got to my room and I saw my mum and it was the moment I let go. I could finally relax and actually let the drugs work. I begged the nurses to let me take my IV out. I hated letting them do it, because well, I had done it enough times and it didn't hurt when I did it to myself. I started to remove the tapes and the little nurse got nervous.

I couldn't wait to get out.

"How much longer do we have to be here? I want to go home. They said we could go at 11:30."

My mum told me the nurse said 12:30 departure time but I wasn't having it. I told my mum, how they didn't give me enough drugs, because I was told I wasn't supposed to remember anything... I remembered everything. I was given one more xanax at this point because I couldn't calm down. I was flustered and upset. I was having another panic attack. I was feeling claustrophobic and just needed to leave. The tears would come and go, and it was getting exhausting. We still had to go see Dr. D for our chemo consult.

We finally got to leave. I up and changed and was ready for Dr. D. I could finally feel myself relaxing. Everyone kept trying to put me in a wheelchair but I was on a mission, I just needed to leave and knew I could do it a lot faster on my own. I knew exactly where to go to get to Dr.D's office, even drugged. We got there and a TIME magazine was sitting right on top of the magazine pile. It said "The Childfree Life: When having it all means not having children." I was like, "well isn't this ironic." We snagged the mag, because I wanted to know who was writing a story on me, or just the fact I was too high to understand what I would be reading.

We saw Dr. D and he went over our chemo and radiation schedule. Tuesday of next week. I HAD to do chemo. These were the words I was dreading.

"Am I going to lose my hair?"

It was the one question I didn't want to have to ask. He said

"Its not likely but it is a side effect, maybe just some thinning."

I was too stoned on xanax to cry. A panic attack was trying to creep in, but the drugs were all finally taking effect. They couldn't have started working at a better time. Finally.

We left and went to valet to get the car. It was Tuesday. The only good thing about Tuesdays is Cream of chicken and wild rice soup at Paneras. I don't remember the car ride back but we stopped. When we got to the house I started inhaling pickles. I was stoned out of my mind, but I was home. I was with Dexter, I didn't feel the pain from the incisions and I LOVED my food. Lets just say there were a lot more pics hahaha, but I narrowed it down.

After I finished eating, my salad, my soup, my pickles, I went and crashed. I finally slept, a good sleep. I needed to recover. My mind was hazy from the meds and so I didn't have to worry about thinking about the reality of chemo or radiation or anything else miserable. I was content. I slept and am glad it was all over. Even though- it was really just the beginning.