Its amazing how time flies. Its not just when you're having fun, its when you're miserable too. Why else would you look back on your life and wish you had spent it differently. Not everybody, but I'm sure a lot of people do. So in essence, maybe its not time that flies but your life.
I had plans for this weekend. Actually I've have plans for the last few weekends. I've had plans for the weekdays too. How many of those plans have I accomplished- none. I wanted to go to Color Me Mine to paint pottery with my mum. Specifically to make Dex his own personalized food bowl. All of the cats in the Druce Ladies household have had one. But nope. There's been movies I've wanted to see, but nope. I was supposed to go apple picking with my mum yesterday but that didn't happen either. We made it 5 minutes in the car before the discomfort and pain, I was trying to hide peeked out from behind the facade of my eagles jersey and fake smile. I didn't even get to watch said Eagles game. I passed out on the couch, only to wake up to see the end of the fourth quarter and Payton's world domination. So clearly I didn't miss much. I have friends in town visiting and I don't get to see them very often since I moved to Canada, and I can't even pull it together for an hour to get a quick visit in. Homework, nope. Bracelet making, I came close. I picked out the beads and then was exhausted. I can barely make it up a flight of stairs with out it committing me to my bedroom and la la land.
I officially hit the place, of being sick, where you forget what being healthy feels like. Two months. With one more month of radiation to go. I was so excited about being done chemo, and people were excited for me, but what people seem to forget is I still have to do radiation. Radiation is the source of all of the aforementioned side effects. The pain is not from chemo, its from the radiation. The nausea is from the pain, and from the radiation deteriorating my GI tract. Chemo was a baby step, radiation is my demon.
I wake up each day for radiation and can't call in sick. HA- I find this hilarious. I mean if it was school or work, or whatever, I'd call in sick feeling the way I do. But I have to shuttle my @$$ to radiation everyday. Thank goodness my mum or sis drive me or I wouldn't make it there.
All I can do successfully right now is lay in bed and watch Netflix. I can barely eat, it makes the situation much much worse for me. When I have those few shining moments of being able to eat, I embrace them with a vengeance.
I know I'm supposed to be focusing on getting better but in reality how does one do that? How can I do anything differently than I already am. I have no energy to do anything. All I can focus on is sleep. I feel like a terrible friend, losing touch with people whom I miss dearly. I can barely handle a phone convo some days. I feel like a terrible granddaughter. I just am mentally wiped.
However, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although it doesn't seem like it, I know I wont feel like this forever.
I'm angry at my body. In fact I hate it. If I thought I was self conscious before, now I'm on a whole other level. The best part is, I'm too tired to care, well almost.
I know I'm going to start feeling better. I know I'm going to have an amazing recovery. I know I'll be able to get back in to the gym, curse at my trainer for making me do squats but then get my perky tush back. I know I'm going to go back to work and love it. I know all these things will come, but its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I have a sleep mask on.
So where does that leave me today? Well, I have my mom keeping me afloat. I have Dexter who is by far the best man any woman can ask for. All he wants is approval, love, and food. He snuggles hard core and I love him. I have a few close friends who are rockstars, because when I don't have the energy to be the best of friends, they don't hold it against me. My sis, who YAY is back from her festival. STOP LEAVING BUTT HEAD lol. I've got this, I do. But I'm tired. As each day passes, so does another day that I could be living my life. Then again, I'm alive and shouldn't I be grateful for that? I'm being selfish, I know this. I need to be appreciative for what I have and not what I want. I need to be appreciative for being alive, having my fam and Dex instead of wanting to be the best at life.
Until then...
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog every day praying that each day is a better day for you. I hold you in my heart! Love to you and your family,
Your Favorite (and only) Fifth Grade Teacher
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