The Longest Weekend...

The longest weekend....


That is how I would describe the past weekend. One of the nicest compliments I have been receiving is

"It's just weird, by just looking at her, you would never know she is sick."

I'm sure in comparison to when I'm healthy, I look like something is off, but as of lately, I haven't looked like a stereotypical cancer patient. This weekend, I couldn't hide it any more. The way I felt on the inside, the war that was going on inside my body, decided to show on the outside. Leaving bed was a task, so I didn't. All of the side effects I have been fighting with, this weekend were the worst they have been. Nausea, head aches, tummy aches, diarrhea, pain, all of them. I laid in bed, watched Sons of Anarchy, and slept. I had wanted to work on my bracelets this weekend, but sitting up in bed became to much of a chore. Eating, difficult. I have a new affinity for soft pretzels, and so they've been one of the few things I can stomach. This weekend, seemed never ending, no matter how hard I tried to sleep it away.

Fridays seem to be the day that everything really catches up with me. Chemo from Wednesday. Five radiation treatments. The weekend is my time to recoup from that. Then Monday comes around and I have to start all over again. I think I have three weeks left of radiation. Then I start my high dose radiation. My body is crumbling under the pressure, my mind is weakening with exhaustion, and now I am showing it on the outside. I look tired, exhausted, and quite obviously... sick.

I knew of multiple weddings this weekend. I've been stalking instagram like a fiend. People who went to football games and parties. Mindy Weiss, (Event planning guru to the stars) planning the Fox Emmy's after party. Grasping on to the outside world with a shred of dignity.

Normally this would make me sad, but then an AARP commerial changed my night around. haha Yes, you read that right, an AARP commercial. AARP is insurance for people over the age of 50, but the commercial's message really resonated with me now.

It talks about Julia Child and how she became a famous chef at the age of 51. Picasso painted one of his famous masterworks at the age of 56. Then it talks about some lady and how she finished her first marathon at the age of 50. The punch line:

"Not everyone peaks in their twenties."

This was the perfect way to end my night, on what was quite simply a very long weekend of suffering. Yes. I'm sick, yes, I'm feeling shitty. Yes, I'm missing out on some pretty awesome things, but that's ok. It reminds me of the larger picture. I'm fighting this battle to live a long life. I have plenty of time to peak as event planner extraordinaire. I still have a few years left of "fun" bartending left in me. As much as I would like to get to my thirties and have it all figured out, its not the end of the world if I don't. I mean I would rather not have my stuff not figured out because of extenuating circumstances outside of my control, but I would like the chance to get to figure them out at all. Living is what will give me the ability to do that.

So what, I'll probably be the last of my friends to get married, I'll know exactly what I want and don't want at my wedding having learned from theirs. So I may still be interning at 30, with 22 year olds, I'll have a hell of a lot more life experience than those 22 year olds and therefore wont have trouble being the best of the interns. Plus I can learn from them too, they can help keep me young and current. I may end up buying a house way later in the game than my peers and spending double, but at least I'll be 100% sure I'm setting down roots in the right spot. AARP was right. Not everyone peaks in their twenties, and when all of my friends are peaking now, it will give me a chance to steal the peaking spot light in our thirties. I get to sit back, support and be happy for them, because I know when its my turn, finally, they will be right there for me.

Its amazing where you draw inspiration from. Thank you AARP lol. SO I head into tomorrow. Radiation in the morning, hopefully feeling a little better tomorrow than I did today and this weekend. I narrowly escaped a trip to the ER on Saturday night because my blood pressure was so low, and I had all the symptoms of things heading downhill and fast. Thank golly my mum is a nurse. But I'm also stubborn as a horse and wouldn't go until absolutely necessary and things worked its self out.

So being sick is shitty and feeling like I'm missing out again is shitty too. Its ok, I'm just setting the foundation to be 30 and flirty. I'm so excited for my life to start its crazy. I get to be like a teenage girl again dreaming about what she'll be like when she grows up. Painting a whole picture to keep me going. I'm painting a whole bunch of pictures too, because I've learned life never goes according to plan. I'm ready for that. Regardless of which path I end up taking, I'm just excited that I'll be healthy enough to take it at all.

Just a quickie.... because sometimes they're just as good.

So today.

Today is Wednesday and Wednesdays are chemo days. Chemo days suck. I wake up at quarter to 7, I sit in Philly traffic for what feels like forever. I get to the hospital, and here is the itinerary for a Wednesday.

1. Go to Radiation in basement. Get radiation.
2. Meet with radiation nurse, check weight, blood pressure. Go over symptoms etc.
3. Meet with Radiation doctor, (pelvic exam to check for radiation cystitus). Talk about effects of radiation. Talk about eagles.
4. Go to Admissions on far side of hospital (floor #1) to register as an inpatient for the day for chemo. Usually is time consuming and feels like a waste of time, but I really like visiting with the lady who registers me, so I don't mind it so much anymore.
5. Walk back to complete other side of hospital. Elevators to floor six. Sign in to Dr. D's office.
6. Meet with nurse, blood pressure, weight, temperature.
7. Go into examination room, go over symptoms, meds, etc. etc. etc.
8. Undress and wait for Dr. D. (Hello cow oven mitts)
9. Do pelvic, chat.
10. Wait to get paper work and prescriptions.
11. Take elevators to first floor and then walk back over to the side of the hospital where admissions is, the complete other side.
12. Take elevators to sixth floor.
13. GO in, get settled. Nurse does vitals. (Blood pressure, temp etc)
14. Starts IV.'
15. Draws blood to send for testing.
16. Starts running fluids while we wait for blood work results to flush out my kidneys, takes hour.
17. Blood work comes back normal, starts pre-treating for chemo. Anti nausea, steroids, anti anxiety. etc. etc.
18. Chemo takes about an hour and a half.
19. More fluids after chemo to flush out kidneys. Takes another hour.
20. Remove IV.
21. Take elevator to basement. Head to car.
22. Hour car ride home.
23. Come home. Sleep.

This is the bare bones of a chemo day. The chemo process is about 3-3.5 hours. We leave the house at around 7am and get home around 430 if we're lucky. Its long, its exhausting.

HOWEVER and I repeat in a BIG BOLD HOWEVER today was better than most chemo days. Why, because I got good news.

I've been miserable. I've been in a lot of pain. I am very drug sensitive and although I develop strong tolerances to some medications, others I simply do not tolerate very well. Cysplatin (my chemotherapy) and radiation, I have not tolerated well. Especially compared to other patients, I'm experiencing more severe side effects according to doc. I can honestly say, I'm not totally surprised. I do indeed have radiation cystitus. (The break down of my bladder, intestines and GI tract.) Its extremely painful. I can now admit, that I cry every day. Its embarrassing. I feel like a total chick. (But its allowed. I know).

So, today while catching up with Dr. D2, we went over the symptoms. He told us what we already know, that I've had EXTREMELY high dose radiation and that although it is early, I am sensitive and am not tolerating the chemo and radiation well. However, that could mean that it is working. Dr. D would have to be the one to confirm that. This was good news.

When I saw Dr. D, he did just that.

"The cancer is significantly smaller."

Those words were gold to my ears. Now reader alert: about to get graphic.
The reason going pee hurts so bad, is because bloody fleshy chunks fly out of me, and it burns, badly. I didn't have a yeast infection, it was indeed radiation cystitus. But now we know. I thought this was disgusting, these pieces, but Dr. Dr explained.

"That is the cancer breaking down, leaving your body."

So now I am hoping to see those disgusting pieces of hell more and more.

So here's a recap. Treatment is working. Treatment is painful. Treatment makes me sad and angry some days. Treatment hurts. BUT and I repeat BUT TREATMENT IS WORKING!

So this is the news I've been waiting for. When I'm a mess, and I'm cranky or upset or hurting, I just have to remind myself, this is not for nothing. You're going to be ok. You now don't have to 'just' believe that, because now you 'KNOW' you have evidence to back it up. Courtney Alisha, You're fighting, and just like you predicted, You're going to F^@%!#& Win!