Some Days...

There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. Today was a bad day. (Monday)

I went to Cooper to get a second opinion for radiation treatment. The Cooper team wants me to have another surgery next week. Its much bigger than the last one. They are going to biopsy the periaordic lymph nodes (the one in my abdomen.) They don't want to radiate them unless they ABSOLUTELY have too. The more radiation, the more likely it will trigger my leukemia to come back. So, with that being said, they want to conclusively determine whether or not the cancer spread to those lymph nodes.

In the meantime, they will begin radiation of the pelvis, but with a different type of radiation. Yes there are different types, to me it all just seems like cooking me in a microwave. So I have two hospital teams saying kind of opposite things. What happens if I chose one team, and it doesn't work, or the symptoms and side effects are awful, and I could have chosen the other team and avoided them. What if I chose one team and it doesn't work, and the other team would have. All of these whats if F^(%!#@ Suck! I don't like what ifs.

My philosophy with a lot of the hospital stuff is, I don't want to know what you're doing, just do it. Don't tell me about all of the scary potential side effects. We'll deal with them when we have too, all you're doing is stressing me the hell out. I get it they have to disclose everything, but I don't want to know. As long as I'm not in a study, and its going to get me better, do it.

We're going back to Lankenau one more time to let them state their case. Give them a chance to tell us why their way is better. I'm thinking Cooper strictly for the reason that Lankenau doc is a dude and Cooper is a woman, and the dude talked about inserting this thing (a plastic like cylinder to help the radiation beams go exactly where they need to go, YAH and you thought an IUD was bad), and described it

"Oh its just like a tampon, except plastic."

Yeah well Cooper doc said

"Umm not so much, men will describe anything that goes up there like a tampon. You need sedation for it."

Well thats just peachy keen. I can't wait for the days when the only things I'll be sticking up there will be tampons, boys and BOB (Battery operated boyfriend for those of you who don't know who BOB is.)

I left the hospital. I was supposed to see my psych doc, but we ran late and I was mentally exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. Except K, and E, who really surprised me and is continuing to surprise me, in a good way.

I came home and my mom made me eat. I've never had a problem with my appetite. I've never been the girl who gets stressed and doesn't want to eat, well today, food repulsed me. So my mom forced me to eat and I went to sleep. I read a little bit and was out. cold.

I woke up, watched a movie, and had dinner. Luckily my mom made a pot roast. It was delicious and comfort food. The doc told me I'm going to have to eliminate veggies and fruit from my diet. Great, I've been working since march to transform my diet and now they want me to revert back to my old ways. Life is one big contradiction.

My other friend K messaged me and was like wanna skype? I was like

"I look like hell but sure."

I got on Skype and it was all my work friends there with her. I bawled, my eyes out. You don't realize how much you miss some people until you see them and know you can't see them for a long time. It was the perfect end to this day because quite honestly today sucked. I only got a few minutes with them before Skype conked out, but it was better than nothing. They went out and partied that night and took my fundraiser sign with them to take pics with. They made me feel included from 500 miles away. Those are some GOOD friends! Thank you guys :)

At least I'm going to bed not feeling forgotten, feeling WAY more homesick. Today is the kind of day, that makes me want to just get better, hide out in the country and live the simplest life possible. No ambitions, nothing exciting, but today is just one day in this grand scheme of things. Tomorrow is a new day. In fact, there are only 14 minutes left in today. 14 Minutes until I get a fresh day to start again. Because, some days are going to be good and some days are not. Today is one of the days that are not, and thats ok.

Much Needed Break for Maroon 5

So, I have been wanting to see Maroon 5 live for only God know hows long. I loved them way before "Songs About Jane" came out and am one of those die hards. There was an incentive at my job. St. Louis Wings and Ribs, for the girl who could sell the most Taco and Coors Light deals. Well, when I heard that the prize was the Molson Canadian box with a friend and lots of booze and tickets to the concert, I was on my taco selling game. Not only did I win the first week, I blew the sales out of the water the fourth week according to my boss. I unfortunately won the ballots from my store into the prize draw but did not win the tickets. I was devastated. So, when J, got me the tickets, I think I cried. Oh wait I did. A lot. Of HAPPY tears! I legit pulled a girl and jumped up and down and instantly made a playlist of what I thought their set list would consist of. I. Was. Stoked.

When your life is turned upside down, its hard to think positively. Its hard to get excited about anything other then, "Oh ya I only have to get one needle instead of 5 today!" So this meant the world to me. Little did I know it got better. I had SIXTH ROW CENTER SEATS! Screw the Molson Canadian box. It was also even better because I got to bring my mum, dad and sister. Most people would find their divorced parental unit and their sister accompanying them to a concert weird and unconventional, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I mean yes, I did have this mental image of us wearing khaki's and pastel collared shirts with fanny packs, comb overs and camera's around our necks, but we were awesome, we were going to have fun, and I didn't care.

My sister is a hippie. She worships some guy named Jerry and has grateful dead everything. She listens to a band called the string cheese incident and is first in line with her tent and hula hoop at music festivals where I think they use portapottys. She just took her dreads out and has more tattoo's than I think space left on her body. But gosh damnit I love her. So needless to say, she wasn't exactly thrilled to be seeing Maroon 5 and Kelly Clarkson. Her first comment when we got out of the car was

"Where is the bar."

But she came with bells on and was a blast!

We got home from my doc appointments that day and went to get ready! I put my maroon 5 playlist on and belted it out. I had originally teased my hair "When in Jersey...." but remembered I was with my dad and didn't want to have to subject him anymore than I had to, to the local culture. I think I found a happy medium. I was going to dress up and wear high wedges and cute jeans - I mean I was about to see my future husband for the first time in person, but remembered I could barely walk with out falling in flip flops, so wedges would be dangerous. I settled for my new billabong "I <3 California" Tank and jeans with hot pink flips and lots of bling.

We left and were on our way. We didn't have time to get food or anything because I refused to be late for Adam. We picked up my dad and were off. We got on to the highway and there was a line... A LINE ON THE HIGHWAY just for the exit. My sister said

"Well isn't this just great, we are in a line behind a bunch of broads going to see the same dude. Emotional women drivers, we're doomed!"

I sat quietly and got a little anxious. We just couldn't be late. So we started talking about food, my other favorite subject. My mum being the smart cookie she is said,

"Well the only healthy thing that will be there are soft pretzels."

Haha I didn't know whether to laugh or just stare with utter amazement that this woman works for the FDA.

We had been sitting in the line for the exit for about twenty minutes. We couldn't even see the exit we were so far back. Something needed to be done. Now, for the record, I had stated that we pull this next move for a LONG time! Since we first got in the line, but no body listens to the blonde. So my mum pulls out of the line, jets to the front, and continues to the exit. We get to the exit and instead of cutting in like an @$$hole, she just continues. It was as if there were angels guiding us because a second lane appeared. How none of the other cars had figured this out is beyond me, but I wasn't complaining. We just took 30 minutes off our wait. We then parked and walked to the venue. I was legit jumping up and down the whole way. I had taken some percs before we left because my back had not been doing well up until this point. In fact it was terrible. I was refusing to let it ruin my night. As we were being searched in line, I stealthily took the perc out of my coin section of my wallet and slipped it in my bra. I felt like I was smuggling ecstasy or something but I was trembling. I had never been a rule breaker and was not about to start now, but it was one perc. Which I would inevitably need. My nerves should have been the give away, clearly not a smart casting decision for any life scene somewhat resembling a scene from blow, they looked in my clutch and sent me through. SO anti climatic, I was almost mad, but whatever I got to keep my one lonely drug.

We got inside and Dad and nat went in search of alcohol. I went in search of Chickie and Pete's crabfries, a maroon 5 shirt and a bathroom. No way in hell was I leaving mid show for something as unimportant as relieving a bladder. After our successful mission, water bottle in hand we went to the seats. Once again, I jumped up and down with happy tears. We were so close to the stage I could sneeze and water droplets would fall on the stage.

It was unbelievable. They had servers too, who most likely hated their jobs. I had never been in the tweeter center before but it was HUGE. This was where all my friends went to see DMB and sat on the lawn, Yea, not for me. I sat down, crab fries in hand. That had been a mission all on its own. Crab fries are basically fries with a spice of sorts on them and melted american cheese. OMG they're amazing. My sister and dad caught up with us, and we were ready. There is nothing like that feeling went the lights descend and your heart stops, as your favorite artist is seconds away from rocking your world. I was ready.

Kelly Clarkson came on and was INCREDIBLE. She is one tiny person. She sang barefoot the whole time. Had one costume change and I knew every song and belted them WAY OUT. There were these two older ladies in front of us. Typical Jersey moms, about 45 and 5'1 feet tall. They kept standing on the seats in front of us. I was ready to take them out, but so was every person in our vicinity. They were wasted. After Kelly, my mum went and talked to the usher who laid down the law, but like c'mon people don't be so rude. Oh wait, I'm in Jersey and forgot that was a HUGE request. Anyway, it wasn't going to ruin my night and it didn't. My sister sat in her chair, with her electric cigarette, laughing at me and my mom rocking out. It was glorious.

Natalie being hilarious like she is

"Its like she's singing directly into my soul."

When Kelly was done, I was pooped, but just getting started. I popped a perc, my mom went to pee, and my dad and sis, and their two new friends behind them (A couple in their 40's who were pretty stoked to see Adam) flagged down the server and over ordered some booze. I was having a great time, I really am one of those people who can have a great time sober, its one of my prized personal qualities.

The time was near, Adam was about to grace me with his presence. They switched up the stage and it was go time. The old women in front of me turned around to try and chat, and my mum piped in reminding them not to get up on their seats. NOT while Adam was on.

Then... Adam came on. It was perfect. He had on a white tee and tight jeans. His hair was long but styled. His left ear piece hung just over his shoulder because he was so good he didn't need it. His voice was crisp. His sweat, delectable. He thrusted against his mic stand and I almost fainted, but didn't because I couldn't bare to miss a second.

I sang along, I danced, I jumped up and down, a lot. It was the perfect night. PERF!

When it was over, I was elated. I couldn't have asked for a better night. I only had 45 minutes left until I could no longer eat. So we went to pick up my dad's car. My sister drove it to Applebee's, and the four of us had some yummies. I felt bad, having worked in the service industry for as long as I had, walking in a half hour to close but we had a time limit and I was hungry. We got apps and talked about the show and munched and it was weird. We felt like a family, but in a good way. Not the "Oh I want mom and dad to get back together way, HELL NO" but the "this is really nice and mature way".

We went home and I started the blog from the doctors appointments. I then had a skype date... with who, you'll never know but lets just say it was exactly what I needed. Maybe he'll get a mention or two in future posts but until then, I'm leaving it be. Its not good for me to get too excited because things don't have the best tendency of working out in my favor, so until then, I'm going to just enjoy. :)

Here are some of the links to the videos from the concert!

Moves Like Jagger with My mom and dad rocking out!


Kelly Clarkson, I'm not even sure what song this is but my sis caught it. BRAT!

Maroon 5 Does Daft Punk's Get Lucky

Stronger by Kelly Clarkson: Quite honestly my theme song right now.

This Love by Maroon 5