First Weekend Home *SURPRISE PARTY*

Coming home was nothing short of easy. It was actually a pain in my tush. So that first night crawling in my bed was.... heaven. We unloaded the car and I got to see Bella, our Weimeraner. Dexter settled right in, it was almost weird (but then again my cat's a genius). We got in on the Thursday night and little by little people started to figure out I was home. I was half keeping it a secret because I was still pretty sick and half because I wanted time to get settled in. Well because apparently my cat's smarter than me, I posted a facebook status:

Now this is the edited version, but brilliant little me forgot to turn off the location feature originally. So when it popped up as "Gananoque Ontario" people got suspicious. I got it down with in twenty minutes, but rumors spread faster than herpes in the red light district. Friday I slept my life away but my bossman contacted me about potentially working a shift on the Sunday. I. Was. Ecstatic! He played it perfect, something along the lines of someone bailed and he had to work last Sunday and he could do it if I couldn't but he was pretty desperate. Not that he even needed to try that hard, I was jumping up and down at the word shift. I didn't think much of it.

Saturday, after begging and pleading with my dad and his special Lady that I was a competent driver they finally caved to let me borrow one of the vehicles. My dad went with every lie in the book to avoid it though,

"Uhhh My hockey equipment wont fit in Claudette's car, so I have to take the truck."

Ummm I wasn't born yesterday and she doesn't drive a smart car so I think it will fit. Eventually Claudette let me borrow hers to go to a friend's party that to be honest, I was super looking forward too!

The party was a blast! I met some really, really fun people and saw people I haven't seen in years. Learned how to play a new drinking game... "Titties" I think (I didn't actually play but I'll bet I would have taken the cake.) I danced to Britney (I'm glad that most people missed that one hahaah) and even tried to dance with a person. (I should just not be allowed to dance.) I tried a venison dip...

"Ummm Court, you know there is deer meat in that right?"

After a few more hours of debating whether or not to try it because I felt bad eating Bambi, I caved because I was starving, and it was actually pretty good. It was fun, it was exactly what I needed and was a good reminder that even when things don't go perfect or as planned they still have a way of working out. (Shorts Strings? HAHAHAHA)

The next morning everyone was up, we had some left over turkey, watched sports center and then I got the messages about my shift. I was excited to work, but bummed about leaving the party. Apparently they went tobogganing... behind 4wheelers. (OMG- SO Jealous!) Little did I realize... this wouldn't even be a worry once I knew what I was missing it for.

*Thats the bossman representing HARD* ::Thumbs Up::

This should have been a dead give away but I was so excited to have a shift I didn't notice. I came home and got ready. I had a little bit of a hangover, and my weekend was just starting. I joked about calling in sick, but I've maybe done that twice in my life, so it would have never happened. I think I asked my dad and Claudette about a 100x if I looked ok. I wanted to look not only good for my first shift back, first time seeing everybody, but I wanted to look great and most of all... not sick or like I had been. I went all out, extensions and all!

Claudette had a work Christmas party and so I didn't think twice about she and my dad dressing up.

I should have thought twice about them giving me cab money to get home instead of letting me borrow a car. Another dead give away. After we dropped Claudette off, my dad began to drive me to work. Feeling the hangover I was like

"Ugh Now I kind of wish I didn't have to work. Wouldn't it just be nice if it was like a surprise party or something awesome like that."

I was completely kidding, because I honestly never thought it would happen. My dad had the perfect response

"HAH, yeah right kid, like that would happen."

I believed him. We pulled in across the street which I also should have thought was weird because my dad doesn't follow the rules at Spank's and parks in their private lot. According to him

"I'm V.I.P."

I just assumed it was because he was dropping me off. We got out of the car and I saw 1/3 of my bosses and one of the bouncers, E, walking in. I also saw nobody inside which I thought was odd, but I figured it was still early. I hugged them, and they seemed not as excited to see me as I originally hoped they would be. I later found out it was because they were late and thought they had ruined the surprise. Nope, I was oblivious.

They all let me walk in first and when I walked in the door it was a blur. It all happened so fast and so slow at the same time. So many things were just "off" and there was so much to process that my chemo brain was on overdrive. I was freaking out in the car that I wouldn't remember what Beer we had on tap, yet this was a whole other ball game of

"why isn't my brain working fast enough to figure this out."

I saw balloons. Lots of balloons (I just assumed the balloons were for the Christmas party I was told I was going to be working.) My manager K was just standing to the right of the bar, by himself. It was weird because he was just standing there, and just seemed like he was waiting for something. I went to hug him, and then saw people crouching behind the bar. Still not even processing what was going on, because my mind was jumping from balloons, to manager, to beer taps (I needed to know for my shift) then to behind the bar. When I finally focused in on the dozens of people behind the bar, they jumped and screamed

"SURPRISE, Welcome Home!"

All I remember while all of this was taking place was thinking,

"Something's not right, Something's not right. I'm so confused."

I started shaking and all I could manage to say was

"Ummmm I guess this means I'm not working????"

"Wait, is this for me?"

As if the chalkboard that said "Welcome Home Courtney" wasn't a clue. People began to swarm me with hugs and my thoughts changed to

"Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry!"

I actually went into shock.

"OMG is this actually happening? OMG Happy tears are coming!"

I didn't even register that my bestie and personal trainer A was sitting at a table! Someone I once worked with told me

"Courtney's like an ambulance, you hear her coming before you ever see her!"

hahah E, could not have been more accurate with a description of me! I think I tackled A. It was funny too because she had been messaging me while I was in the car asking about what I was up too. You sneaky bugger!

There was Cake and flowers and I tried eggnog for the first time. O outdid herself there.

SO many people came that I was so excited to see. It was like surprise after surprise after surprise. I had a couple drinks, and was just loving catching up with everyone.

So both my parents are really awesome and they know everything that goes on in my life. It's why I let my dad read my blogs and probably don't have a filter. Like I can talk about anything with my parentals and I love that.

Anyway, the party from the night before was at a guys house whom I've been talking too for a while, we've known each other for YEARS, but hadn't seen each other in years up until this past summer. So he had been texting me this night asking about work and if I was there yet, if it served food, etc. Basically questions that seemed completely unaware that something was up other than me going to work. I was at the back of the bar talking to some people when I turned around and saw three hotties walk in. I think my heart fell out of my chest. I turned around, jaw dropped and cupped my face. I couldn't believe my eyes because a whole new set of shock waves engulfed my body. Was I hallucinating because he doesn't exactly live in town, and this just seemed too good to be true, not plausible and did I mention I was concerned I was hallucinating? I ran and hugged him and actually think there may have been jumping up and down, more hands over mouth in shock and then a

"WHAT! (Super loud pitched)..What are you doooing here? (Girly, shocked whiny cutesy sounding)"

I didn't give him a chance to finish before the whole

"Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry"

mantra came flooding back into my mind. It was just too much excitement to handle, the surprises were legit going to put me over the edge. I was still cupping my face when I couldn't contain the excitement and shock any longer and was like

"Oh my gosh I'm sorry I need a second"

turned around, paced a few steps trying to process what was happening and then I think I hugged him and the other two guys again. It was then that I realized the other two, had also brought their special ladies and that was when I officially lost it! I basically had developed girl crushes on them the night before and was just in awe that they had come too! Hugs galore and my night had officially just hit EPIC status. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, that happened. I asked how he knew about my party, and he told me something along the lines of this... and Dad #ForTheWin!

"Well your dad actually found me on facebook and messaged me telling me about it. I first saw the message from JD pop up and my first reaction was '$#!% What did I do?' but then I read it and he told me about it."

My mind was blown, because this meant they had known all along at the party the previous night, and that morning, and not a soul had given it away! We did shots and we drank and if ever there was a moment to forget about all the $#!%%y stuff that had happened to me the previous months... tonight did just that and then some!

Unfortunately they had to work the next morning and couldn't stay but my night was full of more surprises. I continued to see people I hadn't seen in what felt like forever and felt so incredibly blessed. I didn't even mind how hungover I was the next two days because every second of the previous weekend had been worth it. My body knew I needed this... I can be as positive, and try to be as healthy as I want to be, but deep down, I'm still a 25 year old girl who has had years ripped away from her. I don't feel guilty for a little fun and my body felt better just long enough for me to enjoy this weekend. I can't thank the people involved enough, because honestly words will never describe how grateful I was for every second. For the people who weren't invited, my dad did the best he could and hey I didn't even know, so I couldn't have invited ya. For the best bosses ever who did give me a real shift a few days later... thank you thank you thank you! I know I'm one blessed little cookie and I don't forget it for a second.
*Managers and other sign I failed to notice upon arrival*

*1/3 of the bossmen- He even played me Britney, which in all my excitement took me one minute too long to realize!*

Thank you Claudette and Daddio- You guys rock!

The morning/ arrival home. Worth every second of the hangover... but the drinking has ceased, (at least until New Years and then will prob take a hiatus for a bit.)

So thank you to everyone! I made new friends, saw old ones and was reminded why this is my home! If my mom and sis had have been there this night would have just been over the moon. I don't think I would have been able to handle any more surprises though!
For those wondering- the first REAL shift back was a blast! Saw others I hadn't seen in too long and just... what a week home.
The only words I have are THANK YOU~
p.S. Also got my Scrapbook from the event held at Spankys. I can't wait to read it! <3 *First Shift Back* (Getting ready and then rocking out to Britney in the car on my way there!)

*Some more pics from the party*

The Drive Back Home & Of Course The Complications Involved

So as I stared out the window, the white lines on the pavement flew by... the colliding lines turning to one long white strip from the speed. The big signs that told you where you were.... are blue. The license plates no longer full of crazy slogans and colors but simple white and the blizzard subsided. The money had color (and smelled pretty if you were in possession of a fifty or hundo- no lie like maple syrup) and people no longer hovered in the left passing lane eliciting expletives from my dad while we drove. All of these were sure signs, it was official, we were back in Canada, I am home.

I was supposed to be here last Wednesday but in true Courtney fashion, nothing goes to plan. Saturday I was vomiting on the side of the road. Monday I had my very last doctors appointment of 2013 and it was fabulous! (We'll get to that later.) I got home however and that's when the fun really began.

It was like I was in radiation all over again. All of the symptoms were back. I could not hold anything in my body. It did not want to stay, no matter which end it came out. Projectile vomiting does a number on your chest, its like the ab work out from hell. It was never ending. My Dad was driving down from Canada on Tuesday and we we're "planning" on leaving on Wednesday morning.

Well Tuesday came and went. But worse, nothing stayed in me. Tears began to flow because there was intense pain. Every time I even took a large sip of something, my tummy would feel like it was bubbling and then out it would come. It was becoming increasingly obvious that something was seriously wrong when I slept through the Victoria's Secret Fashion show.(Legit something I look forward too every year, maybe almost as much as or more so than the Super Bowl! I mean hello, its the sexiest night on television!)

Mom jumped into action and doctors got on board and early Wednesday morning I was hooked up to an iv pumping fluids. Still not enough. There was no way I was getting into a car on Wednesday. I had two options; let my dad take just my stuff and go up ten days later with my mom and sister, or pray my dad could post pone his stuff so we could leave on Thursday. Thank the heavens we got to go with the latter.

So here I am. Pumped up with one more liter of fluids before we left, and not a wink of sleep. I chose not to eat today because I needed to make it through this 9 hour car ride unscathed. Fluids on the ride were kept to a minimum too.
(The early part of our drive- lovely PA)

So what am I sick with? Who the hell knows. It could be residual radiation side effects. Like really though, it's been over a month- they could give me a break by now. That would be nice. It could be some type of flu, but I never got a fever and had no aches and pains. Or it could have been from my doctors apt on Monday... Hormone insertion.

I've mentioned it before in earlier blogs but the chemo and transplant basically wiped out my body's ability to produce its own hormones. They're more important than people give them credit for, i.e. not just for sex drive and clearly I don't need them for that. They help with memory, and muscles and energy and a lot of stuff. So we have to supplement them. It's tiny little pellets inserted into my hip. They numb, slice, insert and then patch me up. Its a simple in office procedure but it hurts like a bugger for a day or two until the numbing meds wear off.

My doc who takes care of all this is who discovered the cancer in the first place. She's been a rock for me. Set set me up with Dr. D whom I love and was there for me during a particularly un-fun surgery at Lankenau when quite a few things went wrong. Basically she's been keeping me going for the past 5+ years. Knows me inside and out, literally. Her response to seeing me after a few months of treatment was shock over how much healthier I looked. Her response to my lady bits- that they were doing fantastic. She even went over with me certain ways to make sex more enjoyable when that day comes. It really is all about finding what works for every individual, this majorly includes angles. SO it was a great appointment.

I got sick that night though when I got home. Could the hormones and my sickness be correlated? Well as one who knows her body very very well, I don't think so. I've also been taking these for years. One of the few things I remember from Psyc 101 "Correlation does not prove causation."

Regardless I'm home and that's after the MAJOR blizzard we went through in between Syracuse and Watertown. I actually may have white knuckled that whole part.

"Dad. We have some seriously precious cargo on board."

To which he replied

"Relax I've got this."

To me:

"NO SERIOUSLY SLOW DOWN! Dexter is on board and nothing can happen to him. I didn't go through months of treatment to die in a blizzard in PULASKI, NEW YORK!"

He laughed, I may have tried to convince him that we HAD to have our 4ways on and we survived. Barely.

Staring at those white stripes blend into the line that was leading me home was almost like watching a shooting star which held someones wish tight. I fell asleep finally for a little bit but woke up just in time to see Peterborough lights.

As we drove through the city... tears welled up. This is why I was working so hard to get better. Because my life is here and this is the first step to allowing it to begin again. I must proceed with baby steps, but I'll crawl to greater heights than I ever had before, because I have such a greater appreciation for stuff now. I have been given the chance to really evaluate what I want to do with this life that I have been so blessed to have been given a 5th chance at. FIFTH. Yes I may have fought for that blessing but I fought like hell and here I am! I'm going to live passionately. A little bit selfishly. Much healthier. But these are some of the ways I'm going to regrow back into not the person I was, but the person I have always wanted and deep down know I can be.

I love this little city that is too small to be a big city but to big to be a small one. I'm ready... well still sick, but ready.

Very Last Doc Apt of 2013

Today is my very LAST doctors appointment of 2013. Hormone Therapy (where they will insert pellets into my hip that time release the hormones into my body- because of course I was allergic to the less invasive forms.) Regardless- MY VERY LAST APPOINTMENT OF 2013. :D

It feels like just yesterday when realistically it was almost a year ago that I was looking my dad in the eye and saying

"I don't know what or why but something is wrong."

I had symptoms, I was stressed, I was tired but I just didn't believe it. Now here I am leaving battle and walking into peace negotiations.

No doctor has a magic ball and can tell me conclusively what I want to hear. They can never say with certainty

"You are cancer free."

I have to now be proactive about living as healthily as I can and as consciously as I can. I have to now listen to that voice. When my gut says to me again

"I don't know why or what but something is wrong"

I will bang down the doors of heaven until I figure it out and shut that voice up. I read a book a long time ago that said our gut is there for a reason. I can't remember but something about it being an evolutionary defense mechanism. Well gosh darnit, that makes sense.

So my PET scan lit up because of inflammation caused by the residual effects of radiation. The radiation takes months to leave my body. Which explains why I've been so tired and run down. I still have toxic radiation coursing through my veins. The post effects of the treatment, they don't disappear over night. On top of that, I'm a rare case/bird and therefore don't heal like the average person. Also the doses of radiation I received were extremely high. My lymph nodes are clear and that is huge! HUGE!

Basically Dr. D told me,

"You need to relax, de-stress and let your body heal. This is not going to happen over night, it will take months for you to be clean of the radiation and feel normal again."

Normal? What is normal? That is seriously a term I've forgotten over the years. Relax and let my body heal, UGH this is going to be so hard for a girl who can't sit still. However whenever I tried to test this theory my body reminded me to sit down, shut up and listen. I went out with a friend on Friday for another friends birthday and through out the course of the night had two SMALL glasses of wine (ANTIOXIDANTS). With multiple glasses of water in between and a HUGE dinner. (Ps- yes those are extensions.)

However the next morning after running errands with my mom, I ended up puking on the side of a highway.

"Mom, I think you should get into the right lane."

"Why honey? Is everything ok?"

::As she was pulling into the right lane::

"Um No"

:: Open door, proceed to puke, profusely.:: The rest of the weekend sucked. It was a lot of the same thing. My sister bringing me gingerale and zofran (Anti Nausea medication). It was most likely just a stomach bug, but one night of very simple social interaction, brought me back down to real life.

"YOU ARE RECOVERING"

is basically what my body was screaming at me. Or it could just be a coincidence. But still, really?

So the news from the doctor- can't be perfect. I will have check ups. All the time. My first being in January. Pet Scans, bloodwork. I'm never done this fight. Now it's just preventative and I'm ok with that, because at least I'm here to have a life to be preventive with. This in no way means I'll stop living. Not even close, not even a little bit. If anything, it means I'm just getting started.

I'm packing up my bags because I'm heading home. I'm going to have to start slow, but at least I get to start!

Its Not Bad News, But Its Not Good News Either- Pet Scan & Results Take 2

I want to preface all of this with: I will not worry until I'm officially given a reason too! So please don't you worry either!

How this post originally started:
So the day I have been waiting for is almost here. Like legit days away. My final results, my time to start packing. My dad on his way down to get me and take me back to the great white north. I should be ecstatic, I should be over the moon, but I think the anxiety from it has thrown me into an anxiety induced flu.

There are so many factors, am I upset over leaving my mom and sis. Maybe leaving some new friendships that I forgot how much I missed? Maybe the idea of being away from my doctors scares me. Honestly for the first time in a really long time I'm having a hard time breaking down my feelings.

Its difficult in the sense that I want to go home and jump right back into my life. I want to work and see all the people I've missed and have some fun. However a BIG downside to me, is I don't like people seeing me when I'm sick. Also when I'm not feeling well, I try not to show it. Its this whole being perceived as the "Sick Girl" complex I have. Because I'm stubborn like this, I usually end up sicker or some way that sucks. Its basically my body telling me to slow down.

I also have this thing about letting people down. Its the worst feeling in the world. I don't want people to think I don't want to see them, or this or that. I have trouble vocalizing how I'm feeling and what I need. Sometimes its because people don't really understand or get it, and other times its because I'm straight up stubborn. This is the time I need to make ME the number one priority, but that is extremely difficult for me.
(Written before today obviously- and below was written after)

It was one of those nights where the minutes on the clock crawled by. I tried everything, watching tv, instagram, twitter, reading, snuggling Dex, but nothing worked. I knew I had to be up by 6:30am but my body would not shut down. It was time for reinforcements. HELLO XANAX! My sis and mum came in at one point and my sister took one look at me

"She's stoned!"

My mum in her worried voice

"Why are you stoned honey?"

It was actually the most adorable concerning voice ever.

"Because mum, this test tomorrow is really important and I'm really nervous!"

They left my room to let me try and sleep but my mum came back in, clearly having been in deep thought. Actually she may not have even left the room... XANAX illusions.

"Why didn't you tell me you were nervous? You have no reason to be! Wanna come sleep in my room?"

My mum tried to comfort me but my drugged out stupor was in full effect and I push people away when I'm nervous and xanax stoned. I also have this thing where I don't like to cuddle- I know I'm weird. I get quiet and I hide. Eventually I fell asleep.

She woke me up the next morning and I was starving. For the test I wasn't allowed any carbs, sugar, caffeine, or fruit for 72 hours prior to the test- so basically it was the diet from hell. I wanted a pizza and stat. I rolled over and created my cocktail. Panic attacks were inevitable and I just wasn't in the mood. I wanted the results. I wanted to hear,

"You're in the clear, go home, be normal."

I pooled all of my pills in my hand, and took a gulp to wash away the rippling waves of fear. I threw on lulu's, grabbed a camo scarf and my eagles hat, I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

I don't remember the car ride, I don't remember waiting.

I do remember getting my IV, I remember being injected with the radioactive dye, and drinking the god awful barium.

I remember being left alone so no one else would be exposed to the radiation and because I thought I was hilarious... again... listening to "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons on my Ipod.

I sat there for an hour, and only remember listening to that one song. Thinking about how much I wanted to go home. Not even really understanding why because I'm not unhappy here, at all. I have amazing friends here too. I love living with my mom and sister and Tux and the cats. My sister is the funniest in her weird way and my mom makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a warm blanket of love. But I have my friends back home too, I have my Dad and C and Bella and my grandmother. I have my jobs, which I LOVE. I have two lives. Two completely separate lives. They completely coincide with both my passports, both my cell phones, I am literally a secret agent living double lives. This, this is what I thought about as radioactive materials were pulsating through my body, all alone. Thinking about my separate lives was my escape.

I went into the scan. It was 35 minutes. My meds were wearing off, I was getting antsy. Was I ready for this? Ready for these results? At least with out them, I could live in the fantasy that they were going to be ok, but once they come, they're real and then I have to deal with them.

When it was finally over, I jumped at the chance to leave. Apparently I waited in the waiting room with my mom for the disk with the results. No memory. We went to get breakfast, once again, little memory except for the pure joy I felt at inhaling the carbs from the tuna melt and hot chocolate. I came home, I slept... Fast forward to that night...

I woke up in the middle of the night and sorry to be graphic but I had gotten a period. Well $#!%, something that wasn't supposed to happen just did. A symptom, something is wrong. Add this to the previous week of feeling completely ill and I still didn't put together that something was off. I skipped a lunch and a dinner with two friends I hadn't seen in ages, both I had been looking SO forward too, but I couldn't ignore that my body needed sleep. Once again, making excuses that the previous week had caught up with me, I was anxious, nothing was wrong. Thats what I kept telling myself, because I am always positive, in the worst way I guess.

Fast Forward to today: The results.

Phone rings, I answer.

"Hi Courtney, It's Dr. D. I received your results from your PET Scan. Your Lymph nodes are clear and everything looks good. However, there is some uptake in your cervix. This could be residual effects from the radiation. Instead of seeing you in three months however, I think it would be better to see you in a month to be safe."

::CRUSHED::

Good news and bad news all at once. I mean it wasn't bad but it wasn't great. It COULD be residual effects from the radiation but it lit up, it could be cancer. Cancer that isn't visible to the naked eye but showed up on the PET Scan. Back to square one, not knowing. On the bright side, my lymph nodes were clear. At least the f****** chemo worked.

I don't have time to wait this out, my insurance runs out in May. What I had (may still have) was an aggressive form of cancer. If it is still there who knows what will happen in a month.

So we go in tomorrow, we go to ask questions.

My mom went out and got me the new Britney cd because Britney fixes everything. However I'm not even in a Britney mood, because all week, I was thinking about how I was going to pack and surprise everyone back home and now I'm just yet again wondering what new journey my body is taking me on unwillingly.

Someone special to me tonight told me

"Energy Flows Where Attention Goes"

So... I'm giving myself tonight to be pissed off and upset. Because tomorrow Positive Energy is going to flow to where my Attention must go!

Will I be ok, yes. Am I pissed off yes. Did I want a conclusive answer, yes. I have a Skylar Grey Song on repeat.... because right now its a metaphor for what I'm feeling. (Actually her whole album is speaking to me right now). Come tomorrow- it's Britney Time.

-Back From The Dead

"I worked so hard to put the past to rest,
now its tumbling down on me, just like an avalanche...
So you can't just come back now, like a demon uninvited.
You can't just Expect me, to open my door to you because....

I never thought that you and I would ever meet again,
I mourn the loss of you sometimes and pray for peace with in.
The word "distraught" cannot describe how my heart has been,
but where do we begin now that you're back from the dead."