Its Not Bad News, But Its Not Good News Either- Pet Scan & Results Take 2

I want to preface all of this with: I will not worry until I'm officially given a reason too! So please don't you worry either!

How this post originally started:
So the day I have been waiting for is almost here. Like legit days away. My final results, my time to start packing. My dad on his way down to get me and take me back to the great white north. I should be ecstatic, I should be over the moon, but I think the anxiety from it has thrown me into an anxiety induced flu.

There are so many factors, am I upset over leaving my mom and sis. Maybe leaving some new friendships that I forgot how much I missed? Maybe the idea of being away from my doctors scares me. Honestly for the first time in a really long time I'm having a hard time breaking down my feelings.

Its difficult in the sense that I want to go home and jump right back into my life. I want to work and see all the people I've missed and have some fun. However a BIG downside to me, is I don't like people seeing me when I'm sick. Also when I'm not feeling well, I try not to show it. Its this whole being perceived as the "Sick Girl" complex I have. Because I'm stubborn like this, I usually end up sicker or some way that sucks. Its basically my body telling me to slow down.

I also have this thing about letting people down. Its the worst feeling in the world. I don't want people to think I don't want to see them, or this or that. I have trouble vocalizing how I'm feeling and what I need. Sometimes its because people don't really understand or get it, and other times its because I'm straight up stubborn. This is the time I need to make ME the number one priority, but that is extremely difficult for me.
(Written before today obviously- and below was written after)

It was one of those nights where the minutes on the clock crawled by. I tried everything, watching tv, instagram, twitter, reading, snuggling Dex, but nothing worked. I knew I had to be up by 6:30am but my body would not shut down. It was time for reinforcements. HELLO XANAX! My sis and mum came in at one point and my sister took one look at me

"She's stoned!"

My mum in her worried voice

"Why are you stoned honey?"

It was actually the most adorable concerning voice ever.

"Because mum, this test tomorrow is really important and I'm really nervous!"

They left my room to let me try and sleep but my mum came back in, clearly having been in deep thought. Actually she may not have even left the room... XANAX illusions.

"Why didn't you tell me you were nervous? You have no reason to be! Wanna come sleep in my room?"

My mum tried to comfort me but my drugged out stupor was in full effect and I push people away when I'm nervous and xanax stoned. I also have this thing where I don't like to cuddle- I know I'm weird. I get quiet and I hide. Eventually I fell asleep.

She woke me up the next morning and I was starving. For the test I wasn't allowed any carbs, sugar, caffeine, or fruit for 72 hours prior to the test- so basically it was the diet from hell. I wanted a pizza and stat. I rolled over and created my cocktail. Panic attacks were inevitable and I just wasn't in the mood. I wanted the results. I wanted to hear,

"You're in the clear, go home, be normal."

I pooled all of my pills in my hand, and took a gulp to wash away the rippling waves of fear. I threw on lulu's, grabbed a camo scarf and my eagles hat, I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

I don't remember the car ride, I don't remember waiting.

I do remember getting my IV, I remember being injected with the radioactive dye, and drinking the god awful barium.

I remember being left alone so no one else would be exposed to the radiation and because I thought I was hilarious... again... listening to "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons on my Ipod.

I sat there for an hour, and only remember listening to that one song. Thinking about how much I wanted to go home. Not even really understanding why because I'm not unhappy here, at all. I have amazing friends here too. I love living with my mom and sister and Tux and the cats. My sister is the funniest in her weird way and my mom makes me feel like I'm always wrapped in a warm blanket of love. But I have my friends back home too, I have my Dad and C and Bella and my grandmother. I have my jobs, which I LOVE. I have two lives. Two completely separate lives. They completely coincide with both my passports, both my cell phones, I am literally a secret agent living double lives. This, this is what I thought about as radioactive materials were pulsating through my body, all alone. Thinking about my separate lives was my escape.

I went into the scan. It was 35 minutes. My meds were wearing off, I was getting antsy. Was I ready for this? Ready for these results? At least with out them, I could live in the fantasy that they were going to be ok, but once they come, they're real and then I have to deal with them.

When it was finally over, I jumped at the chance to leave. Apparently I waited in the waiting room with my mom for the disk with the results. No memory. We went to get breakfast, once again, little memory except for the pure joy I felt at inhaling the carbs from the tuna melt and hot chocolate. I came home, I slept... Fast forward to that night...

I woke up in the middle of the night and sorry to be graphic but I had gotten a period. Well $#!%, something that wasn't supposed to happen just did. A symptom, something is wrong. Add this to the previous week of feeling completely ill and I still didn't put together that something was off. I skipped a lunch and a dinner with two friends I hadn't seen in ages, both I had been looking SO forward too, but I couldn't ignore that my body needed sleep. Once again, making excuses that the previous week had caught up with me, I was anxious, nothing was wrong. Thats what I kept telling myself, because I am always positive, in the worst way I guess.

Fast Forward to today: The results.

Phone rings, I answer.

"Hi Courtney, It's Dr. D. I received your results from your PET Scan. Your Lymph nodes are clear and everything looks good. However, there is some uptake in your cervix. This could be residual effects from the radiation. Instead of seeing you in three months however, I think it would be better to see you in a month to be safe."

::CRUSHED::

Good news and bad news all at once. I mean it wasn't bad but it wasn't great. It COULD be residual effects from the radiation but it lit up, it could be cancer. Cancer that isn't visible to the naked eye but showed up on the PET Scan. Back to square one, not knowing. On the bright side, my lymph nodes were clear. At least the f****** chemo worked.

I don't have time to wait this out, my insurance runs out in May. What I had (may still have) was an aggressive form of cancer. If it is still there who knows what will happen in a month.

So we go in tomorrow, we go to ask questions.

My mom went out and got me the new Britney cd because Britney fixes everything. However I'm not even in a Britney mood, because all week, I was thinking about how I was going to pack and surprise everyone back home and now I'm just yet again wondering what new journey my body is taking me on unwillingly.

Someone special to me tonight told me

"Energy Flows Where Attention Goes"

So... I'm giving myself tonight to be pissed off and upset. Because tomorrow Positive Energy is going to flow to where my Attention must go!

Will I be ok, yes. Am I pissed off yes. Did I want a conclusive answer, yes. I have a Skylar Grey Song on repeat.... because right now its a metaphor for what I'm feeling. (Actually her whole album is speaking to me right now). Come tomorrow- it's Britney Time.

-Back From The Dead

"I worked so hard to put the past to rest,
now its tumbling down on me, just like an avalanche...
So you can't just come back now, like a demon uninvited.
You can't just Expect me, to open my door to you because....

I never thought that you and I would ever meet again,
I mourn the loss of you sometimes and pray for peace with in.
The word "distraught" cannot describe how my heart has been,
but where do we begin now that you're back from the dead."

It Hasn't Hit Me Yet, But Still 2 Tests To Get

"All visible signs of Cancer are gone... "

But... I still have two tests left. This was the first very big hurdle though, and I am very confident the tests are going to come back amazing. I just wanted to clarify for those who were unsure, and asking me. Yes you can't see any cancer, its unlikely but it doesn't mean it's not there, so we have two tests left to confirm the already amazing news. The odds are- Ever in my favor! (Hunger Games... haha get it? No... Ok moving on.)

There is nothing that makes you want to be as healthy as you can be than seeing other people living their lives to the fullest. It makes you want to be living your life too! Me- well I get great news and the response is usually the same, overwhelming.

"Courtney, You have no visible signs of cancer! What are you going to do now?"

I almost always reply to good news...

"Umm I'm going to sleep."

My theory is that it takes me a while to let something sink in. I overwhelm myself trying to get it to sink in. Ok, my recent news hasn't sunk in yet.

I don't think this news has sunk in because I still have two tests left. I've just gotten over the first MAJOR hurdle. I still have a PET scan and a PCR test. A PCR is a blood test used to detect whether my leukemia is back. It stands for "Polymerase Chain Reaction". Basically it is a genetic test to make sure my genes have not translocated. In English: when genes 15 and 17 switch places, its called translocation and it means my leukemia is back. Your genes should be 13.14.15.16.17.18.19.etc. etc. but when I have leumkemia or APML specifically, mine would be ordered 13.14.17.16.15.18.19.- the indicator for AML type 3. So with out the science lesson, we want them to come back in order with no hint of leukemia. (I understand this like the back of my hand but couldn't take and handle a science class if my life depended on it. Typical.)

The PET scan, well that uses radioactive dyes to detect abnormalities in the cells. We need that to come back with positive results too.

When both of those things happen I'm in the clear, officially. I have no doubt they will come back fine. I'm tired, and still feeling slightly off but I'm recovering from toxic chemotherapy and high doses of radiation where I was microwaved. A little recovery time is pretty much necessary.

The support has been so overwhelming and amazing! I can't even believe that I'm only 106 views shy of 42,000 since I started this journey 3.5 months ago. The skype dates, the emails, the letters and cards, the texts, calls and bbms, the care packages, the visits, the events, the facebook posts and messages. They've been my rock. They are what keep me positive and excited and in a weird way, safe. If I've forgotten to respond to some, I promise its the chemo brain. It really hates me. But I've gotten the well wishes and am soooo grateful!

I have 4 weeks left in New Jersey. I have people I want to see while I'm down here and things I want to do before I go home. So there may be some fun posts to come, sort of like in the beginning. No alcohol involved yet because my body is still in recovery mode. (I'm still craving that Extra dirty kettle one martini with extra olives, or a Ceasar, or frozen margarita. HMMMM yum).

I'm going out with one of my girlfriends this weekend- we're going to paint pottery because I'm such a bad@$$. I'm so excited I can't even handle it.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire next week with mom and the seestor and Jakk attack! (I actually may reread the first two books one more time before we go because I've already forgotten. Chemo brain is really coming at me with a vengeance.)

Hopefully I'll get to one more Eagles game, preferably one where we win because I'm starting to think I'm bad luck and would like to feel good juju vibes.

Oh and I'm absolutely going to try and go to some yoga. Yesterday morning, because I hadn't slept all night, I thought about going to the morning class. Keywords: thought. about. it. I even looked at the schedules. Baby steps. Who knows, next time I might get dressed and the time after that may even think about it, get dressed and then actually go!

So first things first on the normalcy agenda: stop being a night owl. Clearly I'm so excited to get back to work at the bars that I'm already on the sleep schedule required for working at them.

Then once I'm awake during the day, school work. I've started a little bit.

Yay! Just good things to come! I can feel it!

4 Weeks. 4 Weeks. 4 Weeks.

I Can Feel It In My Bones

So Tuesday was a sucky day for me. I got some much needed sleep and then my mum and I got up super early to go and get my bone scan. I was freaking out, internally. I know of someone who is battling extremely rare cancer, undeservedly, and her spine broke from a tumor. This scares the crap out of me. My back is in excruciating pain, legit feels like a body builder has plopped his tush on there 24/7. So I was relieved to be getting the scan, nervous about the results.

We had to drive to Cooper Hospital in Camden. It's always an experience driving to Camden, I mean it has been rated the murder capitol of the USA how many times? Its weird though because the hospital is absolutely beautiful. We walked in and got our passes and headed to the unit. Before I can do the scan, I have to get injected with radioactive dye. It takes about two hours to absorb into my bones before we can do the scan.

We went to unit, met the nurse who was an absolute muffin. She was so nice. She shot me up with the dye and we were on our way. I had to drink as many fluids as I could to get it to move through my body so my mum and I headed to the cafe. I got the most amazing discovery in life, frozen hot chocolate. I legit have no words because heaven descended upon my lips the second I tasted it. I also got a gingerale and grapefruit juice.

As we were standing in the line of docs and nurses, a doc walked to the end of the line and I had to do a double take. He was stunningly gorgeous. He was tall with dark hair and these deep grey eyes. He was muscular but not like a bodybuilder but he wasn't so lean that he was too skinny. His navy blue scrubs hung just right and his jaw was just hot! I tried not to stare especially since I had rolled out of bed and thrown on lulu cropped leggings and my matchbox tee. As we were walking out, and I was continuing to try and not stare I realized OMG I recognized him. I assumed it was from one of my treatments but as we were out of the cafe it hit me.

"WE MET ON MATCH LAST YEAR AND HAD A DATE THAT I BAILED ON!"

Holy crap, he was way hotter in person. I bailed, because I knew I was moving back to Canada in a month and it wasn't worth it. I'm just going to bask in the moment because hot doc was even interested in me. I could have had my own McDreamy or McSteamy... ::Sighh::

So we went to the lobby were I proceeded to chug my drinks. We had two hours to kill. I blogged for a bit, this new wifi in hospitals thing is life changing! After I pounded my drinks faster than an underage frat boy, I laid on moms lap. I looked up at the art work on the walls and it was intriguing. There was a man and a woman. Clearly they had donated a crap load of money, but you would think with all that money, they could have paid for some upgrades in their portraits.

The man looked angry, manipulative and like he thrived on power. The woman looked sweet and tired, from dealing with this man. His background was harsh and black, and elicited a superior tone. Her's looked like a hallway. This erked the gender studies major in me.

Eventually I got bored of the artwork and fell asleep on mums lap. She woke me up and it was time for the scan. We headed back down and were ushered in. I don't know if it was the radioactive material, but I was so exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open.

The machine was big and white and loud and circular. My mum got to stay in the room with me which was nice, hence all the lovely pics. I laid down and the scan started. I couldn't see much because I was encapsulated in the machine but I was too tired to care. Plus I wasn't allowed to move.

I woke up about half way through and heard a voice. Dr. W had received my PET scan and could better diagnose me. He came to deliver the results to my mum. They were right on par with Dr. D. and this made me feel a lot better. To be honest, I think there was more that was said but I blanked.

I finished the scan and was allowed to go home. My mum got the car,(Hospitals have valet now, LOVE IT) and we went home. I went right to bed and was out cold. For the rest of the day.

Here's the good news. Bone Scan came back clean! I'll take my small victories where I can get them! :)

I was excited for the next few days. I was going to get to reunite with my mum's ex's daughters. They were like little sisters to me... except all grown up. I also had friends at the Havelock Jamboree, which was fun because they were sending me pics and vids. I've never been and totally would love to have gone, so it was nice to feel included. I had a few days left until my surgery, to just relax and I was damn well going to do just that.

Pet Scans and Sex Bans

So today was interesting. My alarm went off at 7 am and my mum swooped in right on cue with "Honey did you want salmon or grilled chicken?" I was not allowed to eat after 730 and even then I was only allowed protein. Salmon it was, then I went back to sleep.

I was up at one pm and out the door by 1:30. We met my dad at South Jersey Radiology where the scan was being performed. I was ushered into a tiny room with a hospital recliner chair. Not to be confused with a lazy boy, these things are plastic and green. A lazy boy would have been a nice surprise. I was only allowed to bring one parent in with me, which to be honest made me a little upset. I had one Valium on board, and although it wasn't even touching me (I have a high tolerance), I was less than impressed. I brought my mom in just because she used to be a nurse. I wanted both parents.

I was told I had to drink this god awful stuff called barium. I had three choices but went with mocha-chino. Regardless they would have sucked.

"I don't even drink milk, how in the hell am I supposed to get this down, I wish I had have brought a beer bong."

It was AWFUL. I just kept telling myself with every sip:

"This is a shot a cute boy bought you, and he just has really bad taste in shots but you like him so don't be rude."

I had a nurse put in an I.V. and she was actually really good. I have difficult veins so I was impressed. My dad got to come in and wish me luck but no one was allowed to be around me because they were about to inject a radioactive dye, so we said our good byes and I got to recline in the wannabe lazy boy.

I had two magazines, a book, my ipod and journal. I thought it would be funny to listen to the song "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons while they injected it, so I did. I laughed to myself. The nurse left the room because I had to sit alone for an hour while everything spread through my body. This just sounds SO healthy for me -_-

So I read Cosmo...

Usually my favorite thing to do EVER, now reading about sex and relationships makes me sad. I mean first off, its been a while... (Ok a long while) since I've had someone to engage in this form of exercise with. (What can I say, I'm picky.) I've always said it takes a lot of work to get there with me, but once you do, it's well worth the wait. But, now I worry. I mean I have a form of cancer that I'm not even sure what it is yet, in the most intimate of places. How will this affect me and my romantic future?

Lets go back... I used to have an irrational fear of dating (maybe still do) because I am a traditional romantic at heart. I was once broken up with by someone I considered to be the love of my life because and I quote

"I love you, but I don't know if I can ever be in love with you because I want kids and that is just something you cannot give me."

(Yes the chance of my having kids is almost zero with the amount of treatment I've had in the past.) So now, how do I start over with this added affliction? It's not like I don't want kids, I do, but I became ok with the fact that there are only so many things I am capable of a long time ago. Also, how many kids need fantastic homes? A lot, and I know how much I love my cat... so trust me I can give that love to a child. (Yes I did just compare loving a cat to a child, but bare with me- I'm trying to get my point across.) Its stupid, because a relationship should be based on the connection with the other person, not what they can potentially give you. How many times do you see people who married just because they wanted kids so badly and needed the other person's plumbing, but then they resent each other and end up being not so great parents because they don't really love the other person. But I developed this fear early on: that I couldn't give a man what he is biologically driven to want, so I'll be a write off right away. It really brings the quote from the movie, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" into focus because I feel that it describes how I feel and maybe have been feeling. It clearly describes why I have these impenetrable walls up:

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

So relationships are based on a multitude of things but lets be honest, one of the main components: sex.
So back to sex: How do I know that someone is someone I can trust and will be patient with me. It's not like I'll just be able to jump back in the saddle. I'm actually going to have to date the old fashioned way. Make them fall in love with me (and obviously vice versa) before we get intimate because that is going to be like losing my virginity all over again. (Yes I know this is how it should be anyway). How am I supposed to know that it will go ok. What if it doesn't, there is going to have to be a huge level of trust and understanding there. If the dating world wasn't already difficult enough, it just got a lot more complicated.

"Uh Hi, yea so my pooter hasn't exactly been behaving in the last year, sooo we may want to skip anything to do with that, and if we don't well I can't guarantee that it will be peachy keen, sooo hope you're now really turned on and excited!"

So how does this all tie together. I was waiting for my scan, reading cosmo, and the article about sex came up. Normally I would dive right in, but I just couldn't. My Valium clouded mind started racing, I've now had two at this point. Over my past loves, my present crushes and my future hopes for what could and may not be. Having cancer doesn't define me, but it is a huge part of who I am. It will take a lot for someone to realize that there is me, and then there is what has shaped me, and although I want nothing more than to feel normal, I am not a normal situation. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a huge metal machine, radioactive fluids pulsing through your veins while you're unable to move for a half an hour. All you have at that point is your mind and it can be your worst enemy.

I've always been one to do things for me and focus on me. But what is a life if you don't have someone to share your goals and accomplishments, successes and failures with? Where did our world go wrong in losing sight of the beauty of a partnership, friendship, and loving relationship. Why is being the power couple more important than being a couple who is so powerfully in love? How will this all affect me? Its been easy for me to not focus on it because I am career driven, but is career driven an excuse for scared?

I don't have the answers and when I got out of the scan, I had never felt more relieved. I came home and attempted going for a run. (Something I highly DO NOT recommend after barium and radioactive injections.) I took a shower, watched true blood and took a break from my thoughts. They were passing, fleeting, but they are there. Right now my fight is for me, and once I win, then I can worry about the superficiality of society and its effects on relationships and love. Until then, I have Cosmo, Vampire Eric and Vamp/Fairy Warlowe and Fifty Shades of Grey. :)