Yoga Keeps Me Sane From My Chemo Brain

AHHHHHHH How it feels good to be writing again.

This week has been fabulous. I've mentioned before Chemo Brain and it's effects and they are not fun. Memory loss, Aphasia which is as Wikipedia defines: a disturbance of the comprehension and expression of language caused by dysfunction in the brain. So starting a new adventure in learning has been scary but also in just a few short days one of the most rewarding experiences thus far.

I won an online yoga teacher training. I had reached out to a friend who is a yoga teacher and told her

"I'm in a rut, I'm losing my light and my spark is about to go out. I need something to get excited about because my health has robbed me of quite a bit lately. Just say I was interested in finishing my yoga teacher training, where should I start?"

She recommended some books and I began to read. She also tagged me in a post for an incredible yoga teacher (Sadie Nardini) about how she was giving away a free online yoga teacher training. All I had to do was describe in a sentence, why I deserved to win. I'm not going to lie, I was so excited about this opportunity, because it was something I wanted to do but in no way could afford. However, there were over 200 entries and this was just on facebook alone, so I was feeling slightly pessimistic about my chances. I gave her a go anyway, because I had nothing to lose and low and behold... I WON! I felt like I won the lottery and that my life was being turned upside down in the best possible way. My flame was reattacked with a blow torch, just like I needed.
Here was my entry:

The support from other yoginis was incredible! I just felt so.... grateful. I've always said

#PositiveEnergy attracts #PositiveExperiences

and it felt like it was finally paying off.

Saturday Night, I stayed in, and decided to get started. It was like a light clicked. I'm halfway through my first lecture and it's the perfect situation for chemo brain. I can pause my lectures to make sure my notes are comprehensive and I don't feel like I'm rushing or missing anything important. I can look up things I don't fully understand. I can take pee breaks, answer calls or texts, and LEARN! I don't know why I put myself through the exhaustive torture of University which only depleted my self esteem because I felt like there was something wrong with me. Trying to listen to the prof, take notes from what he was saying as well as what was in his presentations, rushing, and missing key important concepts. Eventually, I just went and listened because I loved what I was learning, but my brain has to write it down to remember. It's why I still use an old school day planner. I loved my classes, loved what I was learning, but I was stressed too and so it made it much more difficult to retain anything. Now, I've found my way to screw chemo brain and learn and I love it!

It's no secret I'm a closet nerd, no really, I have more books than a library on steroids. (Ok maybe not that many but a lot.) I started reading John Grisham in grade 3. I underline and highlight. If I don't know the meaning of the word, It's underlined and written with the definition at the top of the page, but I love it.

I've reignited a passion, and life is about being passionate. Life is about living in the now. I'm not worried about whats going to happen in the future, because I don't know. I can't control what happened in the past, I can only control how I react to it, and its gone and done with so I'm moving on. I'm living in the present. So Thank you Janine for getting me started again on this path. Thank you Sadie, for giving me this opportunity! Ready, Set, Go!

And yes... I will address my health, soon.

A little Throw Back to yoga at Crossing Vineyards over a year ago:

It Hasn't Hit Me Yet, But Still 2 Tests To Get

"All visible signs of Cancer are gone... "

But... I still have two tests left. This was the first very big hurdle though, and I am very confident the tests are going to come back amazing. I just wanted to clarify for those who were unsure, and asking me. Yes you can't see any cancer, its unlikely but it doesn't mean it's not there, so we have two tests left to confirm the already amazing news. The odds are- Ever in my favor! (Hunger Games... haha get it? No... Ok moving on.)

There is nothing that makes you want to be as healthy as you can be than seeing other people living their lives to the fullest. It makes you want to be living your life too! Me- well I get great news and the response is usually the same, overwhelming.

"Courtney, You have no visible signs of cancer! What are you going to do now?"

I almost always reply to good news...

"Umm I'm going to sleep."

My theory is that it takes me a while to let something sink in. I overwhelm myself trying to get it to sink in. Ok, my recent news hasn't sunk in yet.

I don't think this news has sunk in because I still have two tests left. I've just gotten over the first MAJOR hurdle. I still have a PET scan and a PCR test. A PCR is a blood test used to detect whether my leukemia is back. It stands for "Polymerase Chain Reaction". Basically it is a genetic test to make sure my genes have not translocated. In English: when genes 15 and 17 switch places, its called translocation and it means my leukemia is back. Your genes should be 13.14.15.16.17.18.19.etc. etc. but when I have leumkemia or APML specifically, mine would be ordered 13.14.17.16.15.18.19.- the indicator for AML type 3. So with out the science lesson, we want them to come back in order with no hint of leukemia. (I understand this like the back of my hand but couldn't take and handle a science class if my life depended on it. Typical.)

The PET scan, well that uses radioactive dyes to detect abnormalities in the cells. We need that to come back with positive results too.

When both of those things happen I'm in the clear, officially. I have no doubt they will come back fine. I'm tired, and still feeling slightly off but I'm recovering from toxic chemotherapy and high doses of radiation where I was microwaved. A little recovery time is pretty much necessary.

The support has been so overwhelming and amazing! I can't even believe that I'm only 106 views shy of 42,000 since I started this journey 3.5 months ago. The skype dates, the emails, the letters and cards, the texts, calls and bbms, the care packages, the visits, the events, the facebook posts and messages. They've been my rock. They are what keep me positive and excited and in a weird way, safe. If I've forgotten to respond to some, I promise its the chemo brain. It really hates me. But I've gotten the well wishes and am soooo grateful!

I have 4 weeks left in New Jersey. I have people I want to see while I'm down here and things I want to do before I go home. So there may be some fun posts to come, sort of like in the beginning. No alcohol involved yet because my body is still in recovery mode. (I'm still craving that Extra dirty kettle one martini with extra olives, or a Ceasar, or frozen margarita. HMMMM yum).

I'm going out with one of my girlfriends this weekend- we're going to paint pottery because I'm such a bad@$$. I'm so excited I can't even handle it.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire next week with mom and the seestor and Jakk attack! (I actually may reread the first two books one more time before we go because I've already forgotten. Chemo brain is really coming at me with a vengeance.)

Hopefully I'll get to one more Eagles game, preferably one where we win because I'm starting to think I'm bad luck and would like to feel good juju vibes.

Oh and I'm absolutely going to try and go to some yoga. Yesterday morning, because I hadn't slept all night, I thought about going to the morning class. Keywords: thought. about. it. I even looked at the schedules. Baby steps. Who knows, next time I might get dressed and the time after that may even think about it, get dressed and then actually go!

So first things first on the normalcy agenda: stop being a night owl. Clearly I'm so excited to get back to work at the bars that I'm already on the sleep schedule required for working at them.

Then once I'm awake during the day, school work. I've started a little bit.

Yay! Just good things to come! I can feel it!

4 Weeks. 4 Weeks. 4 Weeks.