Heavenly Laze before Surgery Craze

Sunday Funday became a Sunday Lazy day.

I woke up not feeling well. I couldn't sleep last night because I was up all night with a stuffy nose. The kind that you just can't blow and is stuck up all in your head. So when I finally did sleep, I slept all day. My mum and I had a girls day planned but it was put on halt. It was good though because she got one of her homework assignments done. (She's in school online to upgrade her degree.)

I hung out all day with my sis in the living room. I think she was recovering from Peach Fest where she went to see Lotus. I watched "Stepbrothers" with Will Ferrell and it was hilarious, as well as "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler and Jen Aniston. I needed a chill day where I didn't have to think and spending it with Natter Batter was the icing on the cake.

Thats when my mum reminded me I would help her with her assignment. Power point anyone? UGH how I don't miss those, but my mum was so excited when I finished it for her. Hmmm assisted her, in case her prof reads this ::wink wink::. Hahah Nah jk she's a smart cookie.


Today was another chill day. I have my surgery tomorrow and my game face is on. Mummeth made my favorite dinner (Almond crusted salmon.) Its actually so good. We then went to Target. I would definitely consider it one of my happy places. We needed new sheets for my bedroom. My sister when she crawled into bed with me this morning said

"Courtney, we really are the typical blonde vs. brunette siblings. I walk into your room and there is so much light. Everything is white, its like I'm in Heaven."

Hahah Her room has deep dark brown walls and mine have white crown molding half way up with a very light grey. Her windows let no light in because of the deep brown suede curtains and mine are white sheer. She has dark mahogany furniture and I have white. Tonight at Targert, we got a white eyelet duvet and sheets I've been wanting which are very cottage chic. We went with the pink sheets to mix it up a bit. Dexter looks just stunning laying on my bed, not that he didn't before but he loves the new look.

We got home from target and I scrubbed down in the shower. I chatted for a bit with the crush, he's kind of a babe, just the sweetest. I had to pound fluids until midnight. I hate NPO (Nothing by mouth), and had left over salmon right at 11:45. I also indulged in a little carrot cake. While doing something upstairs this afternoon, my mum and I didn't even hear what we have dubbed "The Carrot Cake Bandit." This person snuck in, left two pieces on the counter and disappeared with out a trace. Whomever you are, thank you for enabling my addiction ;)

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have my surgery. Its at 8:30 am. We leave the house at 6:30 and I wait. I'll be awake through the procedure (sedated but awake.) They do this so they don't hit any nerves in my spine or something like that. (I'm not impressed by the sound of this). I told them I didn't want to know that much about it beforehand because to be honest I'm scared $#!%less. That time I awoke from surgery at Toronto Sick Kids has me scarred and the panic attacks are getting ready to come out and play in full force. It will be interesting.

Until then, I'm in bed, cozy in my new sheets. Reading the new Cosmo and Shape and ready to rock and roll. It will be go time. I will be scared but I can do this. One step closer to starting treatment. One step closer to living my life again, to get back to being... me.

The Lazy Days before The Radiation Rayz

The last few days....

Have been really great. I've completely not thought about being sick. My Surgery got moved from next Wednesday to Tuesday and so therefore, I have a few days off to just... be. I told myself I was going to relax and that is exactly what I've done.

Where did we leave off....
*To be completely honest, the days are jumbled in my mind. So I've got stories.. but they may be out of order.*

I GOT HOT ROLLERS! I'm so excited. While visiting K in Kingston last time, she introduced me to her friend who is a hairstylist. He did my hair with hot rollers, Big Hair for a Big Personality. I was #OBSESSED. (yes I just hashtagged it) So I got my own. The ones he used on me were IMPOSSIBLE to find. Legit, I can't even find them on the intranet. (Not even the internet but the intranet.) I got wannabe's but I think I was semi successful!
F-> Professional

And my version (which is from Saturday night dinner with friends):

I think the whole point of the hairstyle is BIG SEX ME hair. It's my favorite look, I mean who doesn't want to feel like a VS angel.

So, on I think Thursday, the madre, seestor and I hung out. We went to dinner at "On The Border", or off the Border... heck I don't know, we were in the restaurant so I'll just say we were in the Border. I was once again obsessing over salsa. We were all in top notch moods because legit everything seemed funny. My mum was in the back seat and my sister was driving.

"Mom- stop making farting noises with your hands!"

yelled Nat.

My mum, was clearly disappointed after her

"LOOK what I can do"

exclamation!

Natalie turned up her Ipod and Lotus was playing. We joke that its my favorite band, although its a big hippie band that doesn't sing. Personally, I like lyrics in my music. BUT I "liked" the band and really wanted to go to a concert with her because... ok Backstory:

I had gone on a date with the HOTTEST guy. We met on match and he had been in Italian Vogue. (I didn't know this prior to the date and yes I googled as soon as I got home). Anyway, he loved Lotus and so when I found out both he and my sister were going to the show, I begged her to take me. The running joke then became how they were my "favorite" band. Long story short, she didn't take me, because "I'm not going to take a ticket away from someone who actually wants to be there!"- Damn hippies.

She was conveniently going to see them again this weekend. While reiterating that

"I just don't understand how they don't sing and have lyrics, its so weird."

Nat said...

"COURTNEY! You don't understand. Lotus is the essence of my being- I'm going to sit during their set and cry!"

Haha I laughed and was like ok dude. Its quite the coincidence because an old crush (who I chat with all the time) and I got on the topic of Lotus the following night and how our siblings were super into them. He was all like

"My bro wont stop asking about your sister, The 4 of us should totally hit up a show."

::Palm to forehead, with shaking of head motion:: It never ends. I joked that Natalie should take me this weekend with her, I mean I had the time off and why not experience a hippie festival. My mom supported me and was like

"Natalie! Take and include your sister!"

To which Natalie brought up a very valid point.

"Could you imagine her drinking for 12 Hours?"

I was like

"I could totally last all day!"

Natalie then won the argument with

"K, Thats what most men say and they are LIARS!"

Touche Nat. Well played! In the end though, she wish she had taken me. She stayed with a friend who had a foot fetish. No lie, loves feet. My mum and I couldn't let her live this one down, so we proceeded to send her pics of our feet all night. She ended up sleeping on a pull out couch, and almost being forced to leave the concert early. Should have Let me gooo :)

*I've been drawing the arrow tattoo on places to see how I feel about it.*

We went to On or Off the border and I got my salsa. It was GLORIOUS. Mum and I had margaritas and it was just fun to be out with the fam jam. So many funny things happen, and like its just an experience. I feel like I'm always laughing which is good, because I've been stressed about starting radiation. We're deciding on where we want to radiate. Just the pelvis or the abdomen as well. If we radiate the abdomen and pelvis, then we don't have to worry about doing the biopsy of the lymph nodes. However, there are more complications and risks with more radiation. The radiation could trigger my bone marrow to relapse and so the less the better. However if my lymph nodes are positive then we need to radiate them, so we'll only know conclusively with the biopsy. Its scary thinking that treatment for one disease could lead to the relapse of another disease. As someone told me

"The Cancer is just going to have to learn to leave you alone, It hasn't won a single battle and it is sure as hell not going to win the war so it should stop trying."

I've gotten to chat with a few old friends this week too through facebook and catch up with them. One of which, her mom has recently beat cervical cancer. It was nice to talk to her because she had a different insight than someone in the medical field. I asked her about side effects and of course vaginal dilators. We talked a lot too about age differences and how they relate to this experience. It sucks having to go through this as a rare case, i.e. being so damn young, because no body will completely understand what I'm going through. Old women can say they do, but ultimately they got to enjoy their sexual prime. I'm supposed to be just getting started. She and I had a bunch of laughs, and it was so nice to talk to her. She told me

"I"m just going to start calling you Bobo like the clown, because every time something punches you down, you get right back up!"

On Friday, I got a call from Cooper's Psych department. Dr. D insisted I get someone to talk too. My referral finally went though and they called to get a few facts so that could match me with the best possible doc. The guy was really cool and nice over the phone but I didn't want to do this. I felt like, if I was admitting to someone that I should talk to someone, then it was because I'm weak and cannot handle it on my own. I know this is not the case, but as I've said before,

"Your mind can be your worst enemy."

He asked me

"Why do you need to see a psychologist?"

to which I replied,

"Umm because my doctor told me I had too."

The guy laughed and it lightened the mood. I had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on my bed in a white towel still soaking wet. I tried to brush through my hair while we went over the questions,

"How are you sleeping? How is your appetite? Are you in pain? What meds are you on? Have you seen a therapist before? Are you depressed? Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? Do you feel like living is worthwhile? Do you have a healthy outlet? Do you abuse drugs and/or alcohol?"

It took about a half an hour and I was glad to be done. I like the fact they do the pre-screen because its not like you'll connect with every shrink, so at least this way they can find someone on the same page as me.

Friday was awesome too, because I got to see my mum's ex boyfriends' daughters. They were like little sisters to me and drove down from Princeton. We went for lunch and it was so weird because the little girls I went to the Britney Spears concert with, were now 15 and 20. How can I feel so old and so young all at once is crazy. We went for lunch and caught up and it was just so nice to get out of the house with someone who wasn't my mom or sister. They were such a breath of fresh air and got me the cutest bracelets which I'm now officially obsessed with. I love those girlies! (The one says "Young and Strong" and the other says "Positivity"- I don't know how they could be anymore fitting!)

Later that night my mum and I drove to drop her vehicle off at the dealer for an oil change. On the way back we went to pick up take out. It was fun, jamming in the car with mom. We went and got buffalo shrimp and they were amazing. I was once again craving the spice, and we mowed down. We played dress up at some point too, because I was in the mood for country. Its just a country girl thing, and probably the fact the Havelock Jamboree is this weekend and a ton of my friends are there. I texted my bestie K and was like, read the lyrics to this song. It describes me and my main weakness (in men)." It was "Ladies Love Country Boys" by Trace Adkins. I don't think I need to post the lyrics for you to catch the gist. "Pontoon" by Little Big Town came on too. That is my JAM from last summer, I rocked out. Obviously.

I didn't blog Friday night because I'm reading "Rules of Civility" by Amor Towles and I'm loving it. I also talked to the crush for a few hours. :) I won't lie, I have two crushes right now, and this one doesn't know I'm sick. He does know I'm blogging but not what about. Although he knows about my past health issues, I feel like I'm lying, but don't know why I need to tell him... right now. It's not that I'm ashamed or embarrassed of what I'm going through, but how he'll react makes me nervous. I could give him some credit and test his character by seeing how he'll react, but I risk being exposed to human nature. If he runs and hides then it is just a confirmation of how scary my situation is, and how much I would really rather not be dealing with it. It validates the fact, that being with someone in my predicament sucks just as much for them as it does for me. I guess I never worried about these things when I had leukemia because I was in a serious relationship with someone who loved me, and I knew they didn't care about my being sick, because they just wanted me, in any capacity. Now, I'm a package deal. You can have me, but you also have to have this list of things that suck and can hinder any number of things that normal couples do. Even the simple things... like go out to dinner. I won't know how I'm going to be feeling. The last few days I've been getting worse and worse. Its easy to hide fatigue with make up, and pain with a smile. But eventually that wont be so easy. So by me not telling him, is he my escape. My way to feel normal and connected to the inner 25 year old in me who so desperately wants to pretend like this is no big deal. If that's true... is it wrong? Maybe pretending to be normal isn't the worst thing, because then I won't lose touch of what its like to be "normal" and when I am better will be better able to quickly get back into the swing of things. ::Wishful Thinking::

Saturday I slept in. I woke up with a stuffy nose, sore throat, and what felt like a UTI. It was a reminder that yes, you're sick, and weak. My mum told me to stay in bed, but I knew she needed to go and pick up her car, so I took one for the team. We went to Starbucks to get me a frozen hot chocolate but it just wasn't the same. After we went and got her car we went and got our nails done. Or as they say in jersey... "Get our nails did." At least if I can't feel like a woman, I can feel girly. The Dallas vs. Arizona preseason football game was on and it was so nice to relax, get pampered and watch the game. It really is incredible how bad Dallas sucks, thank god its preseason for them, but even still, its doubtful they'll get any better. I mean really, FOUR turnovers in the first half. Poor Romo, should have stuck with golf. I just can't wait for the regular season to start and am stoked that if I have to be in the states, its at least during football season. *Haha only I talk about wanting to feel girly- and watching football in the same paragraph. Yup, I'm still me*

*Oh and for the record, one of my ALL TIME favorite tv shows starts Sept 4th. HOLLA to the LEAGUE.

Later that night my mum and I went for dinner with a really good childhood friend's mum and sister. I hadn't seen them since probably middle school. N, (my friend) is in San Fran and couldn't come but I got to facetime her. Her sis and I were talking about boobs and she was like

"You should see N's!"

I was like

"OMG REALLY? I'm totally going to ask her to show me on facetime!"

haha Oohhh how I haven't changed a bit. They got me the most gorgeous necklace. It's so me, and I'm already excited for another night out, so I can dress up and wear it. I've actually been spoiled this week, which has no lie, not sucked because next week will. We caught up on everything, our pets, families, old stories, new stories, TV. My mum brought up how she is like Penny from the Big Bang Theory because she works with some crazy intelligent people. She ended it perfectly with a story about her coworker from Bali.

"I was like OMG, next time you go to Bali (pronounced: Bah-Lee) I'm totally going with you."

I was like

"Ummm mum, do you mean Bali (prounounced Bawl-ee)?"

hhahaha I haven't been able to stop ripping on her. As my sister would say

"You're prettttty!"

On the car ride home, I pulled a total Courtney moment. While at dinner we obviously caught up on relationships past. I was showing them pictures on my phone, because... well lets just say some of their personalities made their physical descriptions much less appealing. While showing them my one ex, I accidentally clicked the "like" button on facebook for the pic. As we were in the car driving home I got a facebook notification

"S has liked your picture."

I clicked to see what picture and was like "OMFG!" It couldn't be a coincidence that she liked that EXACT picture that was over 3 years old just out of the blue. The SAME picture that I just so happened to be showing them tonight. I went into panic mode until another facebook notification came in.

"R has liked your pic."

At this point I knew I must have accidentally posted it to my wall or have done something. I instantly private messaged R and was like

"Hey.... (explained story)... So is it showing up in your newsfeed?"

She was like

"Yes, OMG I can unlike it, I just thought it was a pretty pic."

I was like no no, no worries. He was tagged in the picture so he was getting these notifications too. The damage had been done. Well, now he knows I was talking about him, or at least looking at our pics. ::Palm to head, again, shakes head:: Damn blonde moments.

We came home and I crawled into bed. I'm pooped. My friends have totally stepped up again this week. People, you totally wouldn't have expected. People checking in, people showing they care. When my psychologist pre screener asked me

"How are your support systems? Do you have a lot of social support?"

It was probably the only question I could answer with a resounding

"Absof***ing-lutely YES!"

I Can Feel It In My Bones

So Tuesday was a sucky day for me. I got some much needed sleep and then my mum and I got up super early to go and get my bone scan. I was freaking out, internally. I know of someone who is battling extremely rare cancer, undeservedly, and her spine broke from a tumor. This scares the crap out of me. My back is in excruciating pain, legit feels like a body builder has plopped his tush on there 24/7. So I was relieved to be getting the scan, nervous about the results.

We had to drive to Cooper Hospital in Camden. It's always an experience driving to Camden, I mean it has been rated the murder capitol of the USA how many times? Its weird though because the hospital is absolutely beautiful. We walked in and got our passes and headed to the unit. Before I can do the scan, I have to get injected with radioactive dye. It takes about two hours to absorb into my bones before we can do the scan.

We went to unit, met the nurse who was an absolute muffin. She was so nice. She shot me up with the dye and we were on our way. I had to drink as many fluids as I could to get it to move through my body so my mum and I headed to the cafe. I got the most amazing discovery in life, frozen hot chocolate. I legit have no words because heaven descended upon my lips the second I tasted it. I also got a gingerale and grapefruit juice.

As we were standing in the line of docs and nurses, a doc walked to the end of the line and I had to do a double take. He was stunningly gorgeous. He was tall with dark hair and these deep grey eyes. He was muscular but not like a bodybuilder but he wasn't so lean that he was too skinny. His navy blue scrubs hung just right and his jaw was just hot! I tried not to stare especially since I had rolled out of bed and thrown on lulu cropped leggings and my matchbox tee. As we were walking out, and I was continuing to try and not stare I realized OMG I recognized him. I assumed it was from one of my treatments but as we were out of the cafe it hit me.

"WE MET ON MATCH LAST YEAR AND HAD A DATE THAT I BAILED ON!"

Holy crap, he was way hotter in person. I bailed, because I knew I was moving back to Canada in a month and it wasn't worth it. I'm just going to bask in the moment because hot doc was even interested in me. I could have had my own McDreamy or McSteamy... ::Sighh::

So we went to the lobby were I proceeded to chug my drinks. We had two hours to kill. I blogged for a bit, this new wifi in hospitals thing is life changing! After I pounded my drinks faster than an underage frat boy, I laid on moms lap. I looked up at the art work on the walls and it was intriguing. There was a man and a woman. Clearly they had donated a crap load of money, but you would think with all that money, they could have paid for some upgrades in their portraits.

The man looked angry, manipulative and like he thrived on power. The woman looked sweet and tired, from dealing with this man. His background was harsh and black, and elicited a superior tone. Her's looked like a hallway. This erked the gender studies major in me.

Eventually I got bored of the artwork and fell asleep on mums lap. She woke me up and it was time for the scan. We headed back down and were ushered in. I don't know if it was the radioactive material, but I was so exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open.

The machine was big and white and loud and circular. My mum got to stay in the room with me which was nice, hence all the lovely pics. I laid down and the scan started. I couldn't see much because I was encapsulated in the machine but I was too tired to care. Plus I wasn't allowed to move.

I woke up about half way through and heard a voice. Dr. W had received my PET scan and could better diagnose me. He came to deliver the results to my mum. They were right on par with Dr. D. and this made me feel a lot better. To be honest, I think there was more that was said but I blanked.

I finished the scan and was allowed to go home. My mum got the car,(Hospitals have valet now, LOVE IT) and we went home. I went right to bed and was out cold. For the rest of the day.

Here's the good news. Bone Scan came back clean! I'll take my small victories where I can get them! :)

I was excited for the next few days. I was going to get to reunite with my mum's ex's daughters. They were like little sisters to me... except all grown up. I also had friends at the Havelock Jamboree, which was fun because they were sending me pics and vids. I've never been and totally would love to have gone, so it was nice to feel included. I had a few days left until my surgery, to just relax and I was damn well going to do just that.

$#!% Just Got Real (Part 2)

Here is the second part of Tuesday

We left Target and were off to Cooper. We had to get pre-admission bloodwork to check my clotting factors before my surgery the following Wednesday. I liked getting my blood work at Cooper, because there was never a wait (or at least one longer than 5 minutes) and they got me on the first stick. My veins are terrible. After all of the chemo and i.v.s and PIC lines and broviacs, they're just donezo.

(PIC Lines and Broviacs are temporarily permanent IV lines. They go directly into your major arteries to administer chemo and meds faster. My blood had a severe clotting problem when I was dealing with my leukemia, so I would have to have them replaced constantly. This wreaked havoc on my veins, they had to reroute themselves and became very superficial. Therefore very hard to draw blood on me. I eventually had a port coming out of my stomach, because the line went directly into the artery in my groin. Honestly, I can't remember any of the terms or names. LOVE my chemo brain.)

E, who is one of my favorite phlebotomist's smiled when she saw me and we got to chatting.

"Weren't you just here a few days ago? Why do you have to come in so often?"

I was like...

"Yup that was me, get used to seeing a lot more of me. I've been re-diagnosed with cancer."

We kept chatting and as she was aiming to insert the needle I thought to myself

"Yea, I'm always in here because you guys are the only ones that can get me on the first stick."

I didn't say it out loud though because I didn't want to jinx it. Sure enough, the vein paused and if we had waited the blood would have hemolyzed. (Had too much oxygen so the sample wouldn't be viable.) She had that look of dammit, the one you see on people's faces right as the cops lights start flashing behind you. I told her not to worry and to re-stick me. It wasn't worth risking a bad sample. So she switched to my left arm and I showed her the vein that my friend J who is a nurse pointed out to me at the concert while we were talking about my bad veins. It worked. While the blood was flowing, somehow it came up that I was from Canada and

"OH thats why I remember you. I couldn't place you at first but you're the super sweet one. I knew there was something different about you, and it's because you're so nice. Hows school going?"

That honestly never gets old to hear. I love how Canadians have that reputation and thats why I'm also so proud to be one. When I was little my dad and I got in a fight at our Canadian cottage because he had put the Canadian Flag above the American one. We had been living in the states my whole life, so I identified as American. I was probably 11 or 12 at this point. I got mad and was like

"DAD we should have the American one higher because we're better!"

My dad then said to me

"Hunny, Its always better to be Canadian! We're way better, and you should be proud and realize how lucky you are to be Canadian!"

I rebelled by claiming "American Woman" as my theme song by Lenny Kravitz for the next few summers. However, I'll always remember that story because of how strongly I appreciate being Canadian now. I just don't appreciate their health care. That's only because I'm privileged enough to have private insurance, but this is a whole other debate, seriously HEATED debate, from personal negative experiences. (Here's my old cottage which I desperately miss with the proper flag!)

Oh and this one: I made out of Molson Canadian Beer Labels. It was decorating my hospital room during my transplant.

So back to E, my phlebotomist. I told her

"School is good, and now that I'm here doing treatment instead of working my tush off, I'll have a lot more time to dedicate to it."

It was nice that she remembered

"You're going to be the big event planner right?"

I said

"Yes! Hopefully. I'm taking my International Certification in Event and Wedding Planning. So something along those lines."

She then finished filling the viles of blood and we were off to our appointment.

We went to the building next door and my mom knows EVERYONE here. She used to work in this building but they wouldn't hold her job when I had leukemia the first time. My treatment was being done in Toronto and she didn't leave my side. I needed her by my side. She also worked for a .... hmmm B!%@#. Its the consensus among the whole place, so I don't care who sees it, if they see it on here. After a couple brief hello's we went to the office. It was very nice. Once again, a lot of women over the age of 50. It was becoming apparent how rare this was for a 25 year old, because I still hadn't seen anyone even remotely close to my age. I guess that's also a good thing, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially someone close to my age.

We checked in and waited. The room was much hotter than the rest of the building. No body else seemed to mind but I was sweltering. I took off my sweater and scarf and still felt like an egg in a frying pan, sizzling away. The moments started to tick by. I was texting a friend back home about Camo lingerie and so I was at least amused.

"Hypothetically speaking, if you were to take me hunting, could I wear hot pink instead of Orange. Its just not my color"

His response was pretty good

"HAHAHAHA well not if you wanna obey the law lol. But it sounds kind of hot lol."

So I was at least amused in the office because this convo escalated into camo clothing options. The time was passing so slowly and I was getting extremely nauseous. My back was in pain but I just tried to ignore it. My mum finally said

"Courtney, just take the perc."

As I usually say when I do

"Ok fine, I guess its time for the percolator."

The clock continued to tick and as in true NJ fashion, we had to listen to some Jersey lady B!%(#ing about something. Another lady and her perfect weave had fallen asleep, and we were stuck with a god awful soap opera. A lady came around with her snack cart and I think I fell in love. She had the peanut butter crackers and I was sold. I was starting to feel ten times better. I had no idea that the pain in my back was so bad that it was manifesting as nausea and heat. About an hour had passed of waiting and my mum finally piped in. The doc was running late but on a positive note, it was because he was thorough and didn't rush us out.

Finally after the waiting room was almost empty it was my turn. I went in and got weighed and all my vitals done. I then went back out to the waiting room to wait AGAIN for the actual doctor. At least we were in Voorhees though and not in the city so we didn't have to worry about getting caught in Philly traffic. We finally got to head back to an exam room. I was told to

"I know I know, undress from the waist down and throw the orange sheet over my lady bits."

I had been through this a time or two. I kind of missed the oven mitts though. So, I undressed, crawled up, and waited.

Dr. W came in and looked so nice, but was very quiet and reserved. He reminded me a lot of one of my docs from CHOP. He went over my history and then did a pelvic exam.

"I've gotten more action this week then I have in the past year!"

This poor doc was clearly not one used to dealing with the likes of me. The pelvic was a longer process than expected but he was very thorough. He estimated that it was Stage 2B, and to determine if it hit stage 3, further testing would need to be done. Once again I was anally assaulted but it just gets to a point where nothing surprises you anymore. He said the cancer was mainly on my left side, I already knew this though. I could feel it, it was my body after all. Pelvics are so awkward, the doc stands there with his gloves on while a nurse loads him up with lube. I'm sure its like something a little more technical, but it basically does the same thing. Anyway...

He finished, and told me I could get dressed and we headed to his office. At this point in the day, I was EXHAUSTED. I hadn't been to sleep since 7ish the night before and had been at doctors offices all day.

In his office he talked about my lower back pain. He explained how because the pain was localized to one spot, that it is worry some and we should get a bone scan because its not something we should just pump pain meds into and ignore. That is was possible the PET scan missed something and there could be a metastasis or tumor there as well and it would be wise to rule it out. This was punch in the gut number one. It got scheduled for the next day.

The part that killed me was his explanation. My other docs had explained what was going on, but Dr. W really explained. He drew diagrams and really emphasized how serious this was. I was no longer concerned about my future sex life, because I wouldn't be able to have one if I wasn't alive. He went over where they will radiate but how the radiation could cause complications in my bone marrow maybe sparking my leukemia as well as other complications. This was gut punch number two. He went over risks and possibilities.

Something about his explanation hit me. $#!% just got real. I realized, for the first time that this was serious. This wasn't about me being funny on a blog. This wasn't about YAY I get to go back to the states and spend time with my mum and sis who I was missing. This wasn't about F#@%, this is screwing up my jobs, my school, my internship, my job interview and my personal training. This was OMG, I'm fighting for my life. Again.

I needed a minute and stepped out of the office and went out into the atrium. We were on the second floor and I leaned over the wooden balcony and looked over the building. Tears flooded my eyes, and this was something I just couldn't handle because normally I get quiet when I'm upset but I wasn't upset, I was scared. Really scared.

Emotions I recognized from battles past, "This is going to hurt", "there could potentially be complications and knowing me and my history, most likely." "I'm going to have to figure out how to put my OSAP on hold and my bills, what about the life I left behind, I can't work." Fear, Anxiety, Stress all balled into one flowed from my eyes like a creek in the middle of forest. As busy as the hospital was, I was there alone on that balcony. Fighting with my emotions, wanting them to disappear. Wishing for my blonde shield to protect me with a smile. Dr. W came out and broke me out of my own little world, he tapped me on the shoulder in the loving "I'm so sorry to bother you but I didn't want to just leave on bad terms kind of way." It was endearing, he told me "If you need anything please call me."

My mum and I went to the downstairs floor where we started making calls. We had so many questions. We got home and I called my best friend K. By this point, I had reverted back to being stoic and avoiding my emotions with humor. She calmed me down though. I talked it out with her and ended up laughing. All I wanted to do was sleep. My other friend H texted me "I am so sorry to hear this babe. I know it is essentially the exact opposite of what you wanted to hear. Please know that I love you, am thinking about you, and would do anything for you. All we can do is take this one step at a time. A second opinion is just that until tests come back." She was the voice of reason in a parade of screams.

The rest of that night was a blur, I talked to my dad, and fell asleep. I woke up and went downstairs a few hours later to get some food. My mum was just about to jump in the shower but heard me and came down. I made a salad and when I went to get the cheese saw it was moldy. I was crushed. I was exhausted and hungry and wanted this specific salad. I had gotten something like it at Jimmy Guacos in Peterborough and was craving it. For some reason all I have wanted the last few days has been salsa. Not store bought, in a jar crappy stuff, but the real stuff. My mum and I hopped in the car, went to wawa, got my cheese and came back and it was delicious. Chopped lettuce, guacamole, salsa, grilled chicken, black olives, pico de gallo, sour cream, chedder cheese, and lots of green hot sauce. It was delicious, exactly what I wanted. I came back up to bed, and my mum could tell my stress level was through the roof. I took a Xanax and was out. We had to be up super early for my bone scan the next day.

It's not the results that are stressing me out, its the not knowing. I just want to get started with treatment. I'm sick and tired of hearing "We need more information" or "We need to do more tests" and then having to wait for them. Once we have a game plan and know what we're dealing with I'll be ok. My biopsy on the lymph nodes is next wednesday so 6 days away. I'm hoping in 8 days I'll know. I'll know what kind of radiation we're doing, where we're doing it on my body, and at what hospital. I'll be able to research the side effects to know what to expect and then I'll be ready for chemo. We're close but not there yet. I had a moment of weakness but I'm back. I'm ready to do this.

I crawled in bed, and grabbed Dex. I was out.

$#!% just got real (Part One)

So yesterday (Tuesday) started out as a typical, hilarious morning.

We woke up at 6, well "woke up" isn't exactly the right word, I hadn't been to bed the night before. I needed a nap on Monday and slept till about 7. "Well what do you do up all night"- you ask? Good question. I read, I blog, I enjoy the peace and quiet and if I'm really lucky, I skype ;)

So, I got up, actually put on what Natalie described as my "socialite" outfit, complete with a long green and white maxi skirt, white lulu tank (because anyone who knows me, knows I live, legit LIVE in lulu lemon), white cardigan and my pride and joy Kitson scarf from LA. We hit Duncan Donuts (I miss Tim Hortons so bad its not even funny) and then we were on our way. Thinking back on my outfit, I said to my mum:

"I always wear white when it rains, like always and not on purpose! Its almost as if Mother Nature is telling me to be in a wet T-shirt contest."

It was going to be one of those days....

We left an hour early just to be safe with rush hour traffic (even though it really only should have taken us about 30-45min.) We got about 15 minutes out and then the heavens opened from above and cried their eyes out. It was a torrential freaking downpour. I'm not talking about a little rain, I'm not even talking about a lot of rain, I'm talking about so much damn rain that you could have gone swimming on the high way. The traffic was INSANE. What should have been a quick trip to Lankenau Hospital in Philly turned into a two hour adventure. I could have gotten to Scranton PA in two hours under normal circumstances. The puddles were so large on the highway, we were worried our car wouldn't get through them. Some of the cars next to us almost didn't. The radio and news stations were forbidding people from driving through the puddles because cars were getting swept away and causing accidents. They were shutting down highways left and center but we were on a mission to get to my docs, and although it took us two hours, we damn well got there, and had some fun in the car too!

Mom mom was on a roll. I now know where I get this whole thinking I'm hilarious thing from because she thinks shes hilarious too. The actual difference, is she actually is. Thank goodness too, because in these stressful times, its nice to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine after all. Some of her zingers... I can't even remember the complete context behind them (damn you chemo brain.)

"Well this is new, taking an arc to get to the hospital, should have worn my water wings."

She'll kill me for this next one but it was so funny, I almost peed. I feel like a lot of the things I think are hysterical are those "You have to be there to get the full effect kind of stuff". So she says...

"So all I'm thinking about right now is 2 girls and a cup."

...Oh no where was this going?

"Ummm mom, do I even want to know?"

I was getting a little nervous.

"Well I have to poop! Theres a cup, and we're two girls. Courtney, I NEED to have an evacuation."

HAHAHAHA

"Mom that is wrong on so many levels, and have you even seen that video, I haven't and don't want too, let alone recreate it."

I love how open our family is. When it comes to poop, well I am asked every day by doctors about my BM's (Bowl Movements.) Its something you get used too, REAL fast!

So our family, super open, about everything. I mean I had a friend text me yesterday and ask about my previous blog post,

"Do you let your dad read your Rated R blogs?"

I was like Absolutely. My dad wasn't born yesterday, he knows I'm going to have sex. I am a 25 year old girl, there is nothing wrong with it. There was recently an article written by a father entitled:

"Dad Writes Open Letter To His Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex."

I think this is one of the most excellent reads I have read in a long time. Now don't get me wrong, I love scaring the $#!% out of new boyfriends by having an intimidating father, but deep down, he's a huge teddy bear.

(Note to future suitors: Mess with me and he will beat you with a hockey stick and he has a mean slap shot! Don't give him a reason too, and you'll actually have a new best friend!)

The point is, as clearly evidenced by my blog, I don't have a filter, but I don't want to have too with my family. Especially my family. I have always really appreciated the fact that I can go to my mom or dad with anything. Obviously some things I prefer talking to my mother about, but I know if I didn't have her, I could talk to my dad too. Boyfriends have asked me in the past

"You didn't tell your parents about this/that did you?"

My response is always,

"Assume they know."

Odds are they will, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So back to our trip to the hospital, I guess I kinda tend to do the whole running off on tangents thing, oh well. We finally arrived, and our agenda for the day included a consultation with an interventional radiologist, and to meet my Radiation doctor. Then a second opinion with an Ob/GYN Oncologist at Cooper Hospital, in Voorhees which is right next to my house, so would be super convenient.

We went to the I.R. apt first, we were so late from the tsunami that they switched our appointments around. I love how accommodating and friendly Lankenau is. As we're sitting in the waiting my room, my mum was like, you should probably get your insurance card and license ready. I looked down into my bag, and then back up to my mum like a child does when they've been caught coloring on the walls, she looked at me and said:

"Whats wrong?"

To which I stammered:

"Um so I left my other wallet, the important one with the important stuff at home because it was the wristlet I used for the concert and this is my Canadian wallet, but I have toonies!"

My mum laughed and was like

"well, do you have any photo id?"

My purse was jammed fuller than a hot dog eating contest winner in booty shorts, I had to have something. I started riffling through my wallet and started naming things I had. I sounded like that Sunny D commercial, you know the one that's like

"'Hey man what do you have?' 'Well we've got some oj, some purple stuff, OH YES SUNNY D!"

But I digress, my list went a little more like

"Ummm so I've got my Mac Pro Make Up artist license, no photo, my bartending certification, no photo, OH my boaters license!"

To which my mom responded,

"Well that would have come in handy this morning driving the arc? I feel a lot better knowing you have that when we go back out there."

I don't know why but I was dying laughing. She was on a roll today. Eventually I found my Queen's U student id.

"Eh, this will do."

Long story short, they believed it was me and we got in. I make it sound like Lankenau is this hot new club and I'm underage, it's not.

We got into the consultation room which was really boring. Something about it bugged me. I just didn't like the feeling I got from it. I'm very OCD and little things bug me, but the doc's had pics of themselves framed on the walls in articles. It was different though, the Cooper docs, have their

"SJ's BEST Doc ::insert field here:: of ::insert year here::"

, but those are accomplishments. These just seemed staged. There was an empty brochure holder on the wall with the Staples: Office Depot sticker on it. My OCD was raging over this and it took everything in my body to not take the sticker off. I instead opted for putting a random brochure in it, one which ironically enough was from my mom's company's competitor, we don't like them. The Physicians Assistant came in to talk to us and let us know the doc wouldn't be joining us. This was weird, this man is supposed to be performing a surgical procedure on me and I wasn't going to meet him until the day of, this erked me. She explained that the point of the procedure was to biopsy the lymph nodes that appeared cancerous on my PET scan, however this was extremely difficult and dangerous because of their location. The original surgeon who was supposed to do the surgery turned it down, because he didn't think he would be successful. Dr.B who is also the chief of the I.R. dept, said he thought he could.

"So he's basically like the Mc.Dreamy of you all, not in his looks but the fact that he can do the impossible."

Great, something about this just did not excite me. We booked our appointment and left for our next, but I'm just so over surgery. Especially knowing that I'm only receiving sedation and not full anesthesia.

We then headed to the radiation/chemo dept. where I would be receiving my radiation. We went to the waiting room and once again: visual overload. There was a horse. Yes a horse, no I was not on meds. It was a full size paper mache, painted white and pink with breast cancer ribbons, quotes and rhinestones all over it. I had the sudden urge to climb it and ride it, it was beckoning to me. We sat down, and there was a pen on one of the chairs across from me. One lonely pen, sitting all by itself. A. my OCD was being driven insane but B. it was a metaphor for the people that have to come to these appointments alone. It made me really sad, and so appreciative that my mum was there, poop jokes and all. The paintings were driving me nuts too. I know that they are usually donated to these units but come on, lets pick a theme people. There was a cottagy one with flowers, another that looked like an Italian scene and then a wannabe Monet. It was visual overload, including the horse.

I had to fill out some paper work while waiting. I probably get asked the same questions, by every doctor, nurse, P.A., Nurse Practitioner, and tech, 1000 times a week. So I've managed to simplify some of my answers.

"Why are you here?"

Well....

"To fix my $#!%."

If I'm feeling a little classier I'll respond with

"To fix my pooter."

Considering its very rare for someone my age to be dealing with this, like VERY rare, they usually don't know how to handle me, and by me I mean my personality. I love it when they just laugh. So, this was a step up for me, responding so honestly on paperwork. Question:

"What do you expect radiation/chemotherapy to do for you?"

.... Hmmmmm well

"Cure my $#!%."

Obviously, thats kind of a dumb question. Next Question:

"Is there anything else you would like to say?"

This was a new one, but the amount of things I would like to say are endless.... so I just put the link to my blog.

My mum was reading the biography on the doc while I was filling out the paperwork.

"OOOh he's an Eagles Fan, A seasons ticket holder."

Well at least we like the same football team.

"Note to self mom, we're not coming in on Mondays."

She laughed and then said,

"Oh how nice, he coaches his son and daughter's sotfball teams."

I started laughing and responded with

"I'll be he doesn't get thrown out of them for throwing softballs at the ref."

::Backstory:: My mum coached my softball team in kindergarten when we lived in LA. She was slightly competitive so during one of our championship games, she might have gotten a little heated over a bad call. She got so mad she threw a softball at the ref and was thrown out of the game. Luckily my soccer coach at the time was there and she took over, but I'll never forget it.

It was the exact moment I knew I had the BEST mom of all time. I mean she would go to war over anything for me, and that was exactly what I needed right now.


We met the doc (Dr. D2 as I'll call him because my OB/GYN oncologist is Dr.D)

"How fitting, You have the double D's treating you."

haha my mum really was on a roll today. Dr.D2 explained a lot of what I already knew. He talked about vaginal dilators and told me I had an 80% chance of being able to have sex again after this. I was like

"WOAH DOC, hold up. A. a vaginal dilator is a fancy name for a vibrator right? and B. 80%, what about the other 20%."

This was when my day started to go down hill. We talked some more and I wasn't feeling as funny and vibrant. When I'm upset I get quiet. I don't want to cry, I don't want to yell, and I sure as hell don't want to talk. I want to retreat into my blonde safety net and hide.

I went to do my scan and met two of the "therapists" as they call themselves. They were super sweet. I really did like the staff in this department. My mom instantly favored D, one of the RN's because A. she had great lips and B. was shit szu obsessed. I went in for the scan and the girls explained how I was going to be getting tattoos. I was like

"I'm sorry WHAT?, Today? Are you sure?"

I really should have taken a xanax. The tats were so that when they did the scan, they could line it up exactly the same way each time. I once had a really good guy friend tell me,

"Don't get a tattoo, the fact that you don't have any is what makes you different and I really like that about you, its sexy and pure."

Every time I've almost caved and gotten one, that comment has stuck in my head. So I finished the scan and it was tat time. They are three dots, which actually look like nothing more than a freckle. One on each of my hips and one on my gunt. (No thats not a typo, its my gut above my C***, the female version of a gut). They placed the ink on my skin and then pricked it with a needle, not even a tattoo gun. Isn't this just dandy, my first tattoo, and its done like a jailhouse inmate, in the most un bad@$$ of places, a doctors office. How me.

When we finished we were off. I was starving and really nauseous. We headed back into Jersey and luckily had no traffic. We went to Panera's, because Tuesdays are my fav day for their cream of chicken and wild rice soup with greek salad. It was so yum. We then went to target to kill some time before we headed to our next apt. I knew if I went home before the next appointment, I would be out cold. I was getting exhausted, mentally. If you had have asked me at this point in the day I would have said, its been great. Little did I know what was about to come....

I guess now that I have a tattoo, I might as well get the one I want. .... here it is.

Accepting Applications (PG-13 or R Posting)

I talked about Chatting with my BFF in Canada on Sunday... well that was the perfect segue for tonight's events.

My Best friend K is back in Canada and I hadn't chatted with her since she came to Peterborough to help me pack up the day after I found out I was sick again, last week. So we had a little catching up to do, I mean a lot can happen in a week. We talked about my crush, which is honestly a whole other story. Of course we talked about my favorite topic, Sex.

"I swear K, its the weirdest thing, the last thing I should be thinking about or wanting for that matter is sex, but its ALL I can think about. It's clearly a case of wanting something just because I can't have it, or wanting someone."

It's true though, has it just not hit me yet because it really doesn't make sense, especially since I have bigger things I should be worrying about. Maybe I should just reread 50 shades... Hmmm that might make it worse. Will they just cast that damn movie already?

So while sitting on the couch with my mum tonight, I was catching up on True Blood (which doesn't help this "appetite" I have at the moment) and Dexter (Spoiler alert: OMG *MAGGIE* SO GOOD), she was researching my radiation treatments. Something interesting came up, (I'll include the pic for those that don't believe me).
Be prepared: This is Courtney at my sassiest and most unfiltered yet....

"Radiation can cause the normal tissue of the vagina to become irritated and sore. As it heals, scar tissue can form in the vagina. The scar tissue can make the vagina shorter or more narrow (this is called vaginal stenosis). When this happens, sex (vaginal intercourse) can become painful. Stretching the walls of the vagina a few times a week can help prevent this problem.

One way to do this is to have vaginal intercourse at least 3-4 times a week. Since this may be hard to do while getting cancer treatment, another option is to use a vaginal dilator. A dilator is a plastic or rubber tube used to stretch out the vagina. It feels like putting in a large tampon for a few minutes. Even if a woman is not interested in staying sexually active, keeping her vagina normal in size allows comfortable gynecological exams. This is an important part of follow-up after treatment. Vaginal estrogens may also be used to relieve dryness and prevent painful intercourse and help maintain the size of the vagina. Still, vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse can be long-term side effects from radiation."

-Cancer.Org

Ok so initial thoughts on the wording....
*So glad they clarify what sex is.
*A vaginal dilator and in non medical terms a vibrator. This just might be the best cancer treatment I've had yet. But really, a vaginal dilator.
*While reading the part about the large tampon, does anyone else have that scene from mean girls flashing in their heads?
*Ummm me not wanting to stay sexually active, I think a better use of my energy would maybe be me thinking about something other than being sexually active.
*Does anyone else realize that this is like a man's dream come true... Prescribed sex and a smaller, tighter pooter.
*It says this is also necessary to make ob/gyn exams more comfortable, um no, they are not comfortable, there is a man (or lady) in your lady bits and they didn't even buy you dinner first. Oh and they're kinky because they insert metal objects, I'm all for kinky but not on the first go.
*Vaginal estrogens to prevent dryness... this is why Cosmo's number one sex tip has always been lube! Oh and quite obviously skilled and extended foreplay.

*Oh and most importantly= Its information and advice like this, that sucks for someone who is actually very happy being single. I'm extremely content being single because I'm so career driven, but this kinda makes me think other wise. DAMN you unfeminist thoughts... "SWIM AWAY".

So lets take this back a notch, how do I feel about all of this? When I first heard what type of cancer I was diagnosed with, I was gutted. The irony of a girl who dreamed of becoming a sex therapist (damn you masters and PhD tuition fees), having her lady bits out of commission. (However lets be honest, the cancer hasn't exactly been holding me back the last year, standards has been to blame ::not ashamed, just horny::). But seriously, I'm only 25, Samantha Jones was well into her 50's and I am being taken out of the game at half her age, this just seems like the most unfair thing possible.

I'm going to get romantic and sappy on you for a second, there really is nothing more exciting than finding someone you're truly connected too and passionate about and unifying that bond as one. Yes, it takes time as evidenced by my dry spell, but the wait is so worth it. SO upon hearing my diagnosis, I was floored. How am I going to connect with someone on that level again if its being taken away from me. Will they understand, will they be willing to work with me, because I'm not going to lie, I'm scared as hell to have sex again. What will it feel like for me? What will it feel like for him? What if it sucks for him (not my skills obviously ::Wink Wink::) but just the feel... what if I utterly fall for someone (which is rare which makes it even scarier) and they leave because our sex life isn't normal. I get it, "If he's the right one, it wont be an issue" but it could be. I'm not naive, as humans we have needs. Sex has single handedly shaped history as we know it. Think Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, Dr. Sue, Dr. Alfred Kinsey. Do you think Cosmo would be one of the top selling women's magazines if it weren't for the fact that it sexually empowers women to eliminate the taboo of it all. I mean, we can read about fashion in vogue, and celeb gossip on perez, but we don't turn to any other magazine for sex advice. Think about it.

So, rounding this out, I'm a girl with intimacy issues. I've been hurt, so opening up is hard for me. Falling for someone is even harder, and now I have to worry that I may fall for someone and it may not work out because of SEX! Which used to be one of my favorite things about being in a relationship, and probably what made me such a great girlfriend (Sorry not going to elaborate on that one).

I like to think I've had three great serious relationships. They didn't work out for their own reasons but I learned something from each one of them and am so grateful to them for these lessons. If I could compile the one trait from each of them, that made them so great, I would be in the best relationship possible. The bar has been set. (I'm getting to my point and how it relates:)

Relationship #1. He was my best friend. We loved spending time together, and we had so much fun doing it. If I had any kind of news, he was the first person I wanted to tell. If something good happened to him, I was never jealous, I was so happy for him. We never competed, we actually missed each other when we we're apart.We shared friends and had respect and it was legit everything that your best friend is to you. He supported me in whatever crazy idea I had and I him. He has no idea how much I cherished those years together, and I always said "He is the greatest person I know, just maybe not the greatest boyfriend at times." I know if I had have stayed with him, we would have had a life so full of fun because being with him was great, but that was it, we were best friends and needed to leave it at that.

Relationship #2. Sex. We had the most incredible sex life. I didn't know what sex was until I met him. I felt comfortable, it could be my fattest day and he made me feel so beautiful. It could go terribly wrong, sounds, bumping heads, whatever but we would laugh, and keep going. We once spent an entire night going through a pocket kama sutra trying out each and every position. Marking the ones we liked, and didnt. We had that trust with each other that we could be open to make sure the other was being satisfied. We couldn't exactly stand each other out side the bedroom but it opened my eyes to what sexual chemistry was supposed to be like.

Relationship #3. Security. He was a real man, a grown up man. He made me feel safe. He helped me when my car broke. He paid for my dinners and treated me like a lady. He took me on real dates, with lots of thought. If someone spoke badly or negatively he would get heated and defend me (sometimes to an extreme). He had a real job, and was ambitious as hell which made me want to better myself. We were just two very different people, going down very different roads and also at very different stages in our lives.

My point here... those three qualities are what I want in my future relationships and ideally someday my husband. All three of those qualities feed off of each other. What is going to happen to my sex life and how will that affect the rest of my life. I'm already at a disadvantage not being able to have kids, so this just can't hinder my future relationships anymore than it already has. Otherwise Sexy Dexy is going to be getting a lot more brothers and sisters, and I'm too much of a dog person to become a full blown cat lady.
(However Dex is really cute so I thought I'd include some pics :) hehe)

Whatever the outcome, I have faith it will work out. My mom and I are off to a sex toy shop (thank god she's super awesome like that), because I didn't bring my supply with me. (I wonder if that will be reimbursed by insurance hahah). The title "Accepting Applications" more of a joke, but isn't that the theme of life. Are we not always accepting applications until we meet our someone? This just means that the man I end up with, will be the best kind of man, because he WILL be willing to deal with all of this, and not because he HAS too, but because he WANTS too. My bar has just been set higher. Clearly I'm a closet romantic, but hey by combining that with the dream of becoming a sex therapist into the perfect career- hello event and wedding planning!

So until that time comes and I'm stuck with cats, I'll stick with rabbits for now.... you know, to follow doctors orders ;)

Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas Honey

Today has been kind of an awesome day. I woke up, I got to talk to my bestie, while in the bath ::Helloo Multitasker:: and go to an awesome concert where I got to meet Rob Thomas backstage. I'll start from the beginning. (Note: This referring to Sunday, but it took me two days to write).

SO, I started getting ready for the concert. For being told I over packed, I clearly under packed because I was like "screw it!" I just wore the same thing I wore to Maroon 5, I did not have another cute tank nor a crossbody purse. Originally I was supposed to go to the concert with my mum, dad and sister but my dad went back to Canada, and my sister has and I quote

"Had enough of going to preppy concerts, I'm spoiled by my festivals and miss those."

My mum was going to still come, but because she's a rockstar let me go and have fun with the girls. She's so selfless like that because I know how in love with Rob Thomas she is.

So I met the girls and we were off. My sister drove us to the train station and on the way we passed a red suv. It was stopped in the middle of the rode and at first we were like WTF? Then I saw a HUGE turtle crossing the road and the man had stopped to make sure it didn't get hit. Believe it or not, this was the highlight of my day! Then we were at the train, HOLLA to trying new things. After about 15 minutes of deciding whether or not we should get on the train, (we weren't sure which direction we were supposed to take), we got on and luckily it was the right direction. We got worried because it was delayed a bit, but it was just because our conductor was a little behind schedule. We were off to my very first tailgate. It was SOOO exciting because it's always something I've wanted to do just haven't really ever done. J had to pee the WHOLE train ride. I told her to use a cup but I guess that isn't proper train etiquette.

We got to the tailgate and it was a blast. My first one mind you. Did I play flip cup- YEP! I even flipped the cup on the first try. Did I take shots of sailor Jerrys? Yup and ouch... all I can say is ouch. I ran into old friends and had a blast.

J and I went to pick up our tickets from will call. As we walked up, I said to her,

"Uh do we go to the VIP one or the regular one?"

The VIP one was closer so we figured we'd give it a try. The lady instantly recognized my name and pulled out an envelope. Here I was worried that I'd have to explain the Canadian license. As J and I were walking away I pulled out the 4 tickets and 4 passes. FOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES! I looked at the tickets and knew right away that section 102 was center having been in 102 for the Maroon 5 Concert. We had AWESOME seats, we had backstage passes, I was with awesome people. This was the night out I needed. I was a work a holic back home. I actually would go 16 days straight, or pull 17 hour shifts. 10am-10pm at bar number one and then 10pm-3am at bar number two. I wasn't used to just, having fun like this with no worries. It was amazing!

We went into the venue and I was absolutely tipsy. No doubt about it, the girls got a little nervous because my mum read them the riot act, but they were amazing. We grabbed some beers, took a pee break and I went shopping. I just couldn't leave with out a shirt or two! We then headed to our seats. My main objective of the night was crabfries so that was on our agenda for the break in between the Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox. We got to our seats and started rocking out and it was so fun. It turned out Dr. N who had gotten me the tickets was right next to us, and I had been texting her for quite some time so it was great to run into her. I got to meet her family and her son was SO adorable. He had on these red head phones and was loving his popcorn. Her Daughter was so beautiful and had a friend from Vancouver. It was instant BFF status. She had on a wicked leather jacket. (My hunt for the perfect leather jacket still continues so I get very jealous when I see amazing ones). It was really cool to meet her family, because she has made such an impact in my life, and I am just so grateful they share her.

After catching up for a little bit during the switch up of bands we went on our crab fries mission. It was GLORIOUS! I got the massive tub and it was like $46, I wasn't even mad. I also probably really needed the sustenance in my stomach.

We then headed to the lawn seats to visit our friends. It was an experience I apparently needed to experience. We watched the first half of matchbox from the lawn and this is where it got interesting. So I was slightly inebriated, as were the majority of the people at the show. I used to work at a bar where flirting was encouraged, so I figured HEY, why not, its been a while and I kind of missed it. There were two eligible candidates for the evening. The first, I started the prowl. He was tall, smart and really liked the band, which was a turn on because it meant he wasn't a poser who just came for the alcohol and party. We flirted but he was just too shy. I also may have been overthrowin my fishin line ... but thats not the point. In comes bachelor number two. He was tall, hot, and athletic. I had chirped him for shaving his legs even though I knew he was a swimmer. This story is only funny, because I know what I was thinking, but then I got the scoop from the girls and their perspective. We'll start with mine:

::Hmmm he's really cute, not my first choice but hey, he's really cute:: Then we like randomly danced, and he "accidentally" brushed my arm. ::OOH the accidental touch to see how I react, sweet I'm in like flynn.:: Get more touchy feely. Long gazes into each others eyes. ::Ummmm hello this dance has been going on for about 3 songs now and I have way better seats so now's your chance to kiss me bud, what is taking so long:: more touchyness, maybe even a hand hold, eye glances....::K yup you had your chance bud c'mon girls we've got a concert to enjoy::

To which I proceeded to grab the girls and we left to go to our seats.

Their version:

Ok, so guy number one. Seems interested but eh, she's not anymore. OOOKAY she's moving on to bachelor #2. Oooh he's definitely interested. ....okay heerreeeeee we gooooo.... OMG THEY"RE GUNNA KISS and Boom, he chickened out. Ok working up to it again...heeerrreee weeee goooo... OMG THEY"RE GUNNA KISS and nope he swings and misses again. Yea, lets go to our way awesome seats.

Whatever, flirting is just as fun, and it was SO fun.

We went back to our seats. The show was amazing. Then it was over and it was BACKSTAGE time!!!!

We went to the stage, headed around it to the back stage. We were greeted at the door where we showed our passes. We went in and it was everything you would expect a back stage to look like. There were rooms with people who looked really important, and the room we went too had a table with everything. Wine, and water and drinks and snacks and food. It was epic. As we walked to said room, we went single file. There was ROB! He gave us all hugs and signed stuff and took pics. When I got to him, you could clearly tell I wasn't one with celebs. Did NOT play it cool whatsoever.

"OMG HI, My mom is inlove with you and REALLY You drink white wine? That sooooo Rockstarish of you!"

We then went to the other end of the room to take pics and when I went up, I could no lie not stop my word vomit from telling him all about the time I went to his concert when I was little and wore a pink denim skirt which I was obsessed with and how my mom is in love with him and I really wish I still had that skirt. I know he talked to me but I was so excited his words escaped me. Something about how it was probably their first album for the concert I went too. Honestly, dude was so nice.

The girls took pics and I stood there. I wouldn't be surprised if my mouth was on the floor. I was trying to take it all in. He was shorter and skinnier than I anticipated. He had a tattoo on his right arm of a 20. (Hmmm big points to the first to guess what thats for.) He wore black leather rocker boots and black jeans. He had switched his shirt from when he was on stage because his stage shirt was red. He was sweaty from the show, but honestly, you couldn't stop staring at his smile. He radiated gratitude and appreciation and was so humble and nice. It was mind boggling. He joked that someone was getting yelled at in the other room, so he had no problem slipping out to come meet us.

It was amazing. We then said our good byes and left. J's boyfriend picked us up and the car ride was full of us laughing and chatting about our night. Thats also when they filled me in on their version of flirtgate:Matchbox style. We went to Wawa (For you Canadian's think Macs but way better because they have a deli of sorts.) I proceeded to get a meatball sub AND a chicken cheesteak. Both were only 6" on whole wheat and that is how I'm justifying them. I got home and RAN in the doors. Woke my mum and filled her in on every detail.

I crawled into bed, ate my subs (or hoagies as New Jersians call them) and passed out hard. It was amazing. It was a release. Its one thing to go out and have a great time. Its another thing to go out and just have no worries with reckless abandon. I needed the latter.

I start doctors appointments at 7am tomorrow. Radiation doctors, Oncology docs, a second opinion. It's going to be a long day, and we're going to start making the decisions to get this treatment train rolling. I'll be exhausted but I'm also ready to get my life going. So for now, when I'm stressed, I'll remember how much fun I had at my first tailgate and meeting the rockstar!

Thank you to everyone who made it possible. *(Especially a certain someone. You're in good hands! If you read this, and I hope you do, You really don't know how much I appreciated this. So thank you!)

Oh and just because it's fitting...

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know, right now you can't tell... but stay a while and maybe then you'll see, a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gunna think of me, and how I used to be.... me.


**Updates forgot to add how meeting some people at the tailgate. One guy and his lady stated.

"There is no way you're from around here. You're just too nice and friendly."

To which I replied.

"Well done, I'm actually Canadian."