Freedom Bell bc I'm Done Radiation Hell.

FInally Treatments are over. Now granted... this is just because the scheduled treatments are over. I'm not getting excited until I hear a doctor say

"Hey Courtney- good news. Your cancer is gone and you can strictly focus on recovering to get back to your life because there will be no more radiation rays or chemo to hinder that process"

BOOM! Until then, I have one week to begin recovering, until I see that doc.

People have been worried because I have not been posting but quite honestly there has not been much to post about. The horrible process that is High dose radiation is too difficult for me to talk about. Its too painful. It ruins me. A good friend told me on Sunday that I have managed to create a bubble for my health, and I am on the outside of that bubble. All because I told him

"If the biggest problem in my life right now, is whether a man will be able to love me because I can't have children, and that its something I should discuss early on in the relationship, i.e. is adoption ok? Then I am really quite blessed."

My guy friend K looked at me, stunned and said,

"Courtney, that shouldn't be the least of your worries, shouldn't you be worrying about your health? I mean you have a considerable amount to worry about"

To which I replied

"No, because I know I have a battle, I know I'm fighting, I know it sucks and its hard and difficult and it is taking its toll on me, but I know I'm going to beat it, so the future is where I'm focusing my efforts."

This all in the same day that I managed to puke my brains out non stop. I'm the only girl I know who can puke non stop, barely eat and not lose a pound. DAMN YOU body defense mechanisms.

SO today was my last treatment. My favorite nurse wasn't even there to say good bye which was heart wrenching. She's pregnant and had a fever and I hope she's ok. (She called the next day to apologize for missing me and I'll stop by to visit her next week!) I have a bunch of other good ones there though, so I had nothing to worry about.

This morning, my mom was out of town for work, so the task fell upon my sister to take me. She not only stepped up, but was super sister! I medicated hard core for the procedure. I'm already sore from the last few and it hurts regardless so I knew today was going to be the most painful. It was. I got very excited in the car though upon the realization that Valium has what appears to be heart in the pill. (I know its the letter V) But I was excited because

"OMG Valium LOVES me! It has a heart to tell me SO!"

In the car I was feeling wonderful. My cocktail of Valium, Ativan, Percocet, Codeine and Dilaudid was mixing quite nicely and I was right out of her. We walked into the hospital, I deactivated our parking chip and showed my sister how to use my Ipad. We were then sent into the exam room and it was as if I had all of the narcotics sucked directly out of my veins. I took another percocet and Valium but I knew they wouldn't have enough time to kick in. The pain was going to be unbearable today.

Dr. D began to insert all the wonderful god knows what of tools and I winced and teared and cried. Today was the first time, that I full blown cried. It was awful. The pressure, the pain (when I say pressure, thats what it feels like, an intense pressure causing the pain). I couldn't stretch any wider, I couldn't fit anymore in there. The radiation makes the skin feel like the worst sunburn and he was stuffing me like a turkey on thanksgiving day, putting intense pressure on the tender flesh. It made me never want to ever stick anything in there again, yet I still managed a

"So how long until I can have sex again?"

The doctor and intern laughing because of course that is what I would be thinking. The answer by the way- not for a long while. There is a lot of healing that needs to be done. Not that I have anyone I would be sleeping with anyway. Some serious trust has to be built up in that department. SERIOUS.

I couldn't move once the apparatus was inside me. Normally I could at least scooch and the pain would subside slightly but no way in hell. I was moved on to the stretcher by the doc and nurse and lay there in more pain than I thought possible. The extra perc and valium had clearly not kicked in yet. D, one of the nurses tried talking to me while I waited to be transported to the CT scanner, trying to keep my mind off the pain. It helped but the tears did not stop flowing. I was so proud of my sister who stayed strong the whole time beside me.

Once in the CT scanner, the tears continued to flow. I even tried pinching myself to see if I felt pain elsewhere maybe it would lessen the pain below (pain displacement I think its called). Not the case. The nurse stopped the CT to see if I was ok, because I normally stay so still. But with the pinching and trying to wipe away the tears that wouldn't stop, I apologized and tried as hard as I could to grin and bare it and stay still.

After Ct we were moved to the mountain room where we waited for the radiation oncologist and the physicist, to come up with their plan of action. My sister fed me Gingerale and a dilaudid. The pain was not subsiding. My tolerance has clearly reached epic proportions for the medications. We watched an episode of Modern Family on my ipad and then it was time to go. MY sister back to the waiting room and me into the little dungeon of radioactive mountains as I call it. They played Rod Stewart for me, (He's kind of like Michael Buble and I'm not totally mad about that.) because I didn't like Elton John last time. (I know I know... but I can't help who I like.) I closed my eyes and tried to imagine I was in Paris. Walking on cobblestone streets wearing my Christian Louboutin black pumps. I was still in excruciating pain but the images of the Eiffel Tower and red soled dreams kept me in check. I breathed and clutched the collar of my sweater. I whispered to my self, this is almost over. You are almost done.

The doors opened and the doctor came in to take out the radiation apparatus. It's just as painful to take it out, but its a much quicker process and as soon as the pieces come out, there is an instant flush of release... a pleasant sigh of relief. The nurse and my sister helped me redress and step down off the stretcher.
I am done.

After I was dressed we went to the waiting room to wait for some prescriptions to be refilled. Its tradition that when one is done their radiation, they get to ring a bell in the waiting room. On my first day I asked,

"What the hell is the liberty bell doing in the waiting room"

but now I understand. The real one signifies Freedom for Philadelphia and this one signifies freedom from radiation for me. Nervous and emotional, from the medications, I said

"Hell yes I'm ringing this and sorry guys its going to be loud."

All the nurses and doctors gathered around and the waiting room clapped. It was very cliche but I'm glad I did it. I wanted so badly to ring it on the first day and was finally getting my chance.

I'm not going to get excited about being done treatment or being "Cancer free"... not yet. Although my doctor can no longer see any cancer, tests must still confirm it. I need a little time to heal and then in a week and a half I get to go and see my gynecologist oncologist who will set up the tests to confirm. Until then I rest and heal.

On the way home, I finally had an appetite. We got five guys burgers and fries, and I brought peanuts for the road. I ate every last bit. So far they have not come back up, but I'm not holding my breath.

This blog for me thus far has been my outlet and a place for me to talk about treatment. Now, once I do get the desired results, it will be about reintegrating back into normalcy. I'm sure it will be just as interesting if not more so because it will be about dating, Love, Sex, Health, Work, Coming off my pain meds and if my sister has it her way rehab lol. This war is far from over, but this battle may have been won.

High Dose Radiation With A Phantom of the Opera Music Station

So the first high dose radiation was unsuccessful. I was too sore from the surgery the day before. On lots of percs and dilaudid and I still couldn't handle it so they post poned it until Tuesday.

My mum was out of town for work in St. Louis. This is all good and well, but I couldn't drug up and drive to the doc by myself. My sis was going to take me but this is a little different than just sitting in the waiting room. Luckily my "big sister" (and I'll explain) was able to take me. Erin grew up with me, we knew she and her family whilst my dad was playing for the Caps. She was basically like my babysitter, but she was too close to our family to be JUST a babysitter. She came with us to LA and then to Jersey. SO to me, she's always been my big sister. So long story short, she was able to take me. She showed up with Starbucks- she knows me too well!

So we were off. I was blabbering like an idiot. I could feel myself literally not able to stop talking. I don't know if I was just nervous, hadn't seen her in a while and was catching up, or if the anti anxiety meds were turning me into a chatty Cathy. Could have been all of the above but the beauty of it, is Erin's a beaut... she let me go.

We got to the hospital and it was a blur. I remember being really nervous. I was obviously conditioned from last Friday to be nervous as hell because it hurt like hell last week. You know you're freaking out when everyone keeps asking if you're cold but its just because you have

"I'm F******* freaking out shakes!"

When we got there I deactivated the parking chip and gave it right back to Erin. I knew there was no way I was going to remember it. We headed into the exam room and I stripped down. The nurse went over things and I got a lot more anxious. I had taken my anti anxiety pills and pain meds before we left the house so they had definitely kicked in, but my tolerance has grown significantly and I wanted to be out cold. (Well not out cold, but not feeling they way I was feeling. Nervous, Scared, Pain.)

I popped one more on the table and then Dr. D2 came in and got to work. I laid there and it felt like they were inserting 100 dildos laced with thorns. There was a lot of pressure. I said to Dr. D2, because I really don't hold back

"I imagine this is what it would feel like to have sex with a guy who has a massive dick that you're clearly not prepared for."

hahaha laughs all around but I was dead serious, that $#!% hurt. He had to clip something to the something and the something. But I just felt lady bits getting all caught up in there. I was like "WHOA!" That I imagine is what it feels like to have your junk zipped into your zipper. In all honesty I joke, but there were tears. It's not a natural feeling, its a violated feeling. Its one thing to feel pain, its a completely different thing to feel such pain in such a vulnerable place. It scars you... mentally.


Once we FINALLY got everything set up, they wheeled in a stretcher. Clearly not an easy feat, these rooms are small. They had to be careful moving me because they didn't want to undo all the hard BDSM they had just set up inside my girly bits. I was then moved into the catscan room. They did a catscan to make sure it was in place properly. I don't know how it couldn't be because it felt like it took forever to insert and wasn't pleasant.

After the Catscan we went to the mountain room. You'll see why I call it that later. Personally I would have preferred a jungle-esq waterfall scene to the mountainside lake Sound Of Music scene but at least they decorated.

Erin and I sat for a while, I played on my Ipad and showed her... well I'm sure it had something to do with shopping and pinterest. One of my fail safes. After a while I met the physicist. I was really hoping for Sheldon Cooper but then again this guy was working on my Pootang so maybe I was glad it wasn't. I mean it would be preferable for him to have some experience down below, something I'm sure Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory) in all his intelligence is lacking.

They wheeled the stretcher into the Mountain room and asked if I wanted music. I said sure, and was like ready to go. The huge radiation proof doors shut and I felt like I was on a space shuttle in a tiny compartment on my way to the moon. However good pain meds can induce that feeling even in the largest of spaces. The stretcher did barely fit.


The music: Phantom of the Opera. ::Palm to Head:: as Erin and my mum both cleverly pointed out when I told them... "Should have been Sound of Music" considering the mountain scene. I had actually been talking about Phantom of the Opera after my NYC trip with my mum and sister. I wanted to see it, they both couldn't believe that I hadn't. Also a girl my sister went to Middle and High School with, and was in plays with was just cast in the off Broadway production. I'm not surprised, from what I remember, girl has a set of pipes like no other and the last time I heard her was when she was in seventh grade. As the doors reopened I asked

"and who picked the music?"

It was of course my Eagles loving doc- who just so happened to be an opera-broadway aficionado too. I checked and saw that they used CD's, It should come as no surprise that I'm bringing Britney with me on Friday. Old School Britney, Baby One More Time and Oops I did it Again all up in the radiation hiizzous. Or lil Wayne. I don't know why, it just seems fitting.

When everything was said and done, they just pulled all their kinky gadgets out. Like it was no big deal. I got dressed and we were outta there. The meds were really hitting me so I barely made it home with out dozing a few times. I was exhausted. I got home, stripped, crawled in bed and was out cold. We got home at around 1:30pm. I was out cold until 5:30 am the next day.


My mum woke me up for dinner, but I barely remember that. She had brought me my fav, Pasta Bolognese. I had had Stauffers Mac and Cheese the day before and it ended up all over my bathroom floor. Conveniently I decided to puke it up after my sister left and decided to go and visit a friend. She definitely gets the nurse of the year award.

So High Dose Radiation SUCKS. It messes with your head. It makes me hate my lady bits, and with so much pain taking place down there, how am I ever going to want to have sex again. I mean, I'm being programed to associate them with pain, so unless I adopt a new BDSM fetish, this is going to suck. But the treatment is working... that is the plus side to all of this. So bring Friday on with a vengeance, I'm excited to get drugged up and its go time. I just have to remember...

F.O.M.O.

F.O.M.O. = Fear Of Missing Out =Story of my life!

This weekend sucks for me. It's Queen's Homecoming. The first in a few years, because well, Queen's gets a little rowdy. It's also Spanky's (The bar I work at in Peterborough) H.O.T.T.Oberfest! Lets get this straight, anyone who knows me knows I LOVE LOVE LOVE dressing up. Like not just a little bit but I have a whole costume box with everything you could imagine. Think Tupperware, the size of a bath tub. I'm missing both this weekend.

Part of me thought maybe I'd throw my lederhosen on to walk around the house so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. But realistically that wont make up for the fact I'm not where I want to be, at all.

My Instagram has been flooded with pics of the fun activities this weekend. I don't know whether or not they're making me feel better because I can see whats going on or worse for what I'm missing out on. Queen's too, because there are so many people I havent seen in a few years now, and it would be SO nice to see them, and even better all decked out in tricolor.

On the plus side.

My ReBirthday is Monday. My mother was feeling so guilty for not doing anything with me, to which I kept replying,

"Mom there really isn't that much for us to do."

Going home to visit Peterborough would actually have been the only thing I would have wanted to do, but I wouldn't have been able to attend the things I wanted too, I just wouldn't have had the energy. I think being in the town, where I'm missing out on things is worse than being in a far away place.

But fear not, we devised the best possible ReBirthday celebration. We're going to New York. Only a few hours away, and I can't even wait. We got a hotel thanks to my moms Marriott Points. (I guess thats an advantage to her job and flying all over the country.) We're going to see "Book Of Mormon." Which I've heard amazing things about. I can't even wait. We convinced my sister to come because its written by the writers of South Park and so therefore it's worthy of her humor.

I can't wait because I'm going to wear a pretty dress! (Maybe even prettier shoes- I told my mum, if I am going to get a birthday present, then I want really pretty heels.) We're going to go to dinner and the show and then slumber party in the hotel. Two words- Pillow. Fights! I'm absolutely ordering room service!

I can't explain it, but this is the best possible scenario, like I don't think I could have thought up a better night. My mom rocked on this one. Who knows, maybe we'll find a MAC store and go get our make up done too!

Finally, something to look forward too. This is perfect because as of yesterday and today, I'm starting to feel better. I have to have a nurse come to the house to give me fluids and we think thats helping. It sucks having to get I.V.s every other day, but it beats dehydration.

EEEEK I'm just so excited I can't even handle it!

*Meant to Post this a couple of days ago... however rereading it, and having had last night happen... OOOOH So many funny stories to tell! :D

Happy ReBirthday to Me, I'll be 5 Years Leukemia Free

This coming Monday is October 7th. When people would ask me when my birthday was, depending on the day I would answer one of two ways. Cinco De Mayo- May 5th or my Re-Birthday October 7th. It would just depend on the day because a lot of the time I didn't want to acknowledge my real birthday considering I relapsed twice on it, to the day. When it comes to birthdays there are the big milestone birthdays- 13-16-18-19(in Canada)-20-21(In the Us)-25-30-40. Well when it comes to your Re-Birthday, 5 is the big one. 5 years post transplant and you're considered "cured". This Monday is my 5th rebirthday and now I can't really be excited because I'm fighting a different kind of cancer.

I've been dreaming of this birthday since I was 16, since the very first time I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Dreaming of the day I could say

"I've finally hit 5 years I'm technically cured!"

I kept relapsing at 2 years so I never got the opportunity to celebrate it. Now, ten years later from my initial diagnosis of cancer and I'm four days away...FINALLY! I should be ecstatic, I should be thrilled, but I'm... crushed. Dreaming of this birthday I had pictured the sweet 16 I never got, or the 21st, I barely got. For my 21st birthday, I spent it with one of my best friends in a town I'd never been to before with people I was meeting for the first time. All because I was freshly single from a bad breakup and he got to keep all the friends back home. God Bless J, and her roommates who took me in and gave me an amazing 21st. I had an amazing time, I really did. Still, it was a lonely one. I got to spend it with J, but I missed my friends back home too. Wishing I had all the people I loved and cared about and that they were as excited about something as I was for something that meant a lot to me. I had J, my best friend since the 3rd grade, and honestly with out her, I can't imagine what I would have done. She was the only one who made me feel like she cared. The only one! Plus her roommates were Awesome!

Some people say Birthdays are not a big deal, whatever its another year... but I resent that. Its another year of life, that you are being blessed with to live. You shouldn't only celebrate your own, you should celebrate those of the people you care about, because they too are being blessed with another year to live. Oprah once said something along the lines of 'Celebrating your birthdays are important because if you don't, one day you'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where the time went.'

Expectation leads to disappointment. So I've really lowered my expectations as far as birthdays come and men too, but thats a whole other blog post. I find them to be the loneliest times of the year. This past birthday was my big 25, and honestly, although I had the best time, there was a constant reminder how certain friends, are really just surface friends. I spent it with my Dad and his girlfriend, work friends (because they were working) and just a few other close friends. One whom I had just met a few months earlier. One who was a friend from school, who is just the BEST! A lot of my new friends as far as the customers and regulars from work were there too, but they would have been at the bar regardless. My point, if you were to ask me to make a list of my closest friends, not a single one was there. Yes some of them had very good excuses. Some live far away. Some had other commitments. Some- I wasn't able to make theirs and it goes both ways. But it doesn't change the fact that it was... lonely. If you look at the pictures, or were there you're probably thinking

"Umm it seemed like you had a pretty good time to me?"

I did, don't get me wrong, but that's because I was tipsy, ok slightly inebriated, the people that were there, really stepped up for barely knowing me, and one of my best qualities is I can have fun anywhere. A situation is what you make of it, and although I was hurt, I wasn't going to let that ruin my night, so I made it awesome!

So dreaming of my 5th Rebirthday, because really its the biggest milestone I have yet, I have no expectations. I had such high hopes for this day. I wanted my mom AND dad there. I wanted friends who were from out of town to come, no excuses, (realistically though I understood if they were further than a few hours away). I wanted family (Well really just a few cousins and one cool aunt.) My Grandmother (for the record, I only have one- Funk Master T or Grandmas Tiny). My sister. I wanted all the people who had helped me pull through all the bull$#!% of the three bouts with leukemia. Heck if I could have invited some of the medical personnel from CHOP I would have. I wanted it to be a celebration, not just about me, but about life. About people who support each other, and love each other. My donor, Frank, who is a god given angel. I wanted a big cake, and not just a whatever cake but an actual carrot cake with really pretty decorations... i.e. Britney maybe lol. There was one birthday I was slightly hurt because all I wanted was a carrot cake but that detail had been overlooked, not important.

Maybe this is why I want to be an event planner so bad. So I can throw the parties for people and make sure they're wonderful in every aspect. I can't control the people who go or how they act, but I damn well can make sure everything else is perfect.

I don't want people to think that I've never had a good birthday, real or Rebirthday, because some have been AMAZING! I had one in Kingston I'll never forget. I had two dresses for it. One for dinner with the girls and the other for the bar. It was this white strapless dress and I had so much fun I couldn't even handle it. When I look back, that was one of the best. My Third Rebirthday was pretty great too!

There was another one, I think it was my 20th. It was at my cottage and I had made a beer pong table that was ridiculous. Everyone one of my Canadian friends that I loved and cared about was there. It was so much fun. My school friends, my cottage friends, my family friends- it was right after we had found out I relapsed the second time. It was my birthday/going away party. I felt so loved and it was the perfect time because I was devastated I was sick again. But for that night, I didn't feel sick. I didn't think about the terror that was upon me, or the fact that my summer wasn't going to happen, I felt loved and had so much fun with people I cared so much about!

These birthdays arn't about the presents they're about the presence. The presence of love and the people you care about and the reciprocation, them showing they care and love you too. That's why I HATE Christmas and love Thanksgiving. Think about it, its the same holiday, minus the presents and therefore the pressure. You're with your family, you eat Turkey and you watch football. Same concept, minus the greed.

So where does this leave me and my bday. I could look at this from the angle of a 8 year old child being whiney about not getting a birthday party. But thats not whats happening here, and if anyone thinks it is, they don't appreciate what I've been through and how big this is for me or anyone like me having gone through a similar situation.

I've had leukemia THREE times. I've lost my hair, I've ingested toxic chemicals to basically kill me to bring me back to life with the bone marrow of a stranger. I've missed out on A LOT. I think I'm allowed to get excited over the fact that I'm about to be 5 years leukemia free.

However, with that being said, its kind of hard. I'm stuck in New Jersey and most of my friends and family are in Canada. Also, even if I wanted to celebrate, I have the energy level of a rock. I don't know if I could eat carrot cake or would even enjoy it for that matter since food is my enemy. (Except Brio, for some reason their chopped salad and penne bolognese has been something my stomach can handle... weird.) How am I supposed to celebrate a milestone that is about being Cancer Free when I'm battling a different type of cancer. Now I've never totally understand the proper context for this word, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly what Irony is. Celebrating being cancer free for one type of cancer but having another.

So this makes me feel like this milestone is obsolete. Now, I'm just going to have to wait another 5 years to celebrate being pooter cancer free. I've missed out on enough in my life, I'm sure I can handle something else I've been excited about.
So my take away for this. Celebrate your birthdays, and those of the people you care about. You're celebrating life. It doesn't have to and shouldn't be about the presents but the Presence. For me, I'll be watching the voice on Monday night with my mom and sis, and I'm excited about that. Because although there will be no hoopla, I'm 5 years past what was literally a torturous part of my life. Moving away from that to move towards the life I'm ready to start living.

2 Months Have Passed, 1 Month at Last?

My first blog post was on Sunday August 4th. This means I got the call on Friday August 2nd that I was sick again. Today is the 30th of September. In two days, it will officially be two months since I was diagnosed again with Cancer.

Its amazing how time flies. Its not just when you're having fun, its when you're miserable too. Why else would you look back on your life and wish you had spent it differently. Not everybody, but I'm sure a lot of people do. So in essence, maybe its not time that flies but your life.

I had plans for this weekend. Actually I've have plans for the last few weekends. I've had plans for the weekdays too. How many of those plans have I accomplished- none. I wanted to go to Color Me Mine to paint pottery with my mum. Specifically to make Dex his own personalized food bowl. All of the cats in the Druce Ladies household have had one. But nope. There's been movies I've wanted to see, but nope. I was supposed to go apple picking with my mum yesterday but that didn't happen either. We made it 5 minutes in the car before the discomfort and pain, I was trying to hide peeked out from behind the facade of my eagles jersey and fake smile. I didn't even get to watch said Eagles game. I passed out on the couch, only to wake up to see the end of the fourth quarter and Payton's world domination. So clearly I didn't miss much. I have friends in town visiting and I don't get to see them very often since I moved to Canada, and I can't even pull it together for an hour to get a quick visit in. Homework, nope. Bracelet making, I came close. I picked out the beads and then was exhausted. I can barely make it up a flight of stairs with out it committing me to my bedroom and la la land.

I officially hit the place, of being sick, where you forget what being healthy feels like. Two months. With one more month of radiation to go. I was so excited about being done chemo, and people were excited for me, but what people seem to forget is I still have to do radiation. Radiation is the source of all of the aforementioned side effects. The pain is not from chemo, its from the radiation. The nausea is from the pain, and from the radiation deteriorating my GI tract. Chemo was a baby step, radiation is my demon.

I wake up each day for radiation and can't call in sick. HA- I find this hilarious. I mean if it was school or work, or whatever, I'd call in sick feeling the way I do. But I have to shuttle my @$$ to radiation everyday. Thank goodness my mum or sis drive me or I wouldn't make it there.

All I can do successfully right now is lay in bed and watch Netflix. I can barely eat, it makes the situation much much worse for me. When I have those few shining moments of being able to eat, I embrace them with a vengeance.

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on getting better but in reality how does one do that? How can I do anything differently than I already am. I have no energy to do anything. All I can focus on is sleep. I feel like a terrible friend, losing touch with people whom I miss dearly. I can barely handle a phone convo some days. I feel like a terrible granddaughter. I just am mentally wiped.

However, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although it doesn't seem like it, I know I wont feel like this forever.

I'm angry at my body. In fact I hate it. If I thought I was self conscious before, now I'm on a whole other level. The best part is, I'm too tired to care, well almost.

I know I'm going to start feeling better. I know I'm going to have an amazing recovery. I know I'll be able to get back in to the gym, curse at my trainer for making me do squats but then get my perky tush back. I know I'm going to go back to work and love it. I know all these things will come, but its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I have a sleep mask on.

So where does that leave me today? Well, I have my mom keeping me afloat. I have Dexter who is by far the best man any woman can ask for. All he wants is approval, love, and food. He snuggles hard core and I love him. I have a few close friends who are rockstars, because when I don't have the energy to be the best of friends, they don't hold it against me. My sis, who YAY is back from her festival. STOP LEAVING BUTT HEAD lol. I've got this, I do. But I'm tired. As each day passes, so does another day that I could be living my life. Then again, I'm alive and shouldn't I be grateful for that? I'm being selfish, I know this. I need to be appreciative for what I have and not what I want. I need to be appreciative for being alive, having my fam and Dex instead of wanting to be the best at life.

Until then...

Surprise! Very Last Chemo... Hopefully EVER!

Chemo Surprise!

So today was a great day for surprises. I came to the hospital as usual for radiation and chemo and went through the motions like I usually would. When I went to meet Dr. D, they had quite the surprise for me, Today was my last day for chemo. Granted before I get super excited this IS contingent upon a few things. So. I have radiation for a few more weeks. Then I have surgery on October tenth for the sleeve. (I'll explain later). After that I start high dose radiation which will take two and a half weeks. I'll do a PET scan to see where we're at. If my lymph nodes look good, and I responded to the radiation the way I am supposed too, then I wont need any more chemo.

Because I'm never going to get cancer again (Because I think I've had just about enough with 4 bouts) today could be my very last chemo dose for the rest of my life. Never again will I have to inject my self with toxic chemicals. Worry about my liver, or my hair, or kidneys or any of the pain in the ass side effects. Never, Like EVER again! This is a really exciting encouraging thought.

While meeting with the nurse in Dr. D's office as she was telling me this I was ecstatic.

"OMG, so I'm officially done chemo after today, all my pooter hair has fallen out from the chemo and the radiation, so I'll be done chemo and I got a pain free bikini wax."

My mom shook her head, ::palm to forehead:: giggling while the Nurse AM replied

"Nothing Courtney says shocks me anymore."

Hahah best response ever. I love that my nurses and my docs know me well.

We went into Dr. D's office to talk about the surgery and whats to come. Basically they insert a plastic sleeve or shunt into my lady bits. Its so that when they place the high dose radiation into my pooter- it affects only the necessary cancer and not the surrounding healthy tissue.

"Ok doc, so this isn't going to break my pootang right? I mean when am I supposed to start the vaginal dilators."

My mom once again ::palm to forehead::

"Mom... I'm just trying to protect my investment."

The answer by the way was when I'm done the high dose radiation, and no it should not break my pootang.

SO my day consisted of my docs writing me for more pain meds.

"You need to stop being a hero and take the meds."

Option b, instead of taking the pain meds would be to take a break from radiation but I just want to be done with ALL of this. SO I was like ok, write em up. I can and will endure the pain, because as experienced today, there is no better feeling than hearing you're done. I can imagine how great hearing you're cured is going to be. How great "You can have sex again" is going to be. How unreal amazing "You can go back to Canada" will be. Oh and "Yes you can start working a few shifts again" ALL of these amazing things I can't wait to hear. They began today with "TOday is your last chemo treatment."

As I laid receiving my last chemo treatment it was weird. I mean, I wish I had have had a heads up. I would have brought cake. Lots of Carrot Cake. I LOVE the nurses on my chemo unit. Two of my favs weren't even there to say good bye. Luckily S and B were. B always hooks me up so that I can have a private room and bed for chemo treatments because they were 3+ hours long and I felt crappy. So sitting in a plastic wanna be lazy boy chair sucked in comparison to a bed, even a hospital one. Plus my mum got a desk to get some work and school work done. S slipped me a little going away present, which was the sweetest. She got me GORGEOUS silver earrings. Something I can get excited about wearing when I actually feel well enough to leave my house. I'm really going to miss them.

As I was leaving the unit, I looked at the empty chemo bag and it was the best F YOu ever! I got to ring the bell at the desk! Its a Lankenau tradition and I absolutely can't wait to ring my radiation bell, after my last radiation treatment! In fact its going to sound like a damn marching band is going through. The other patients better turn their hearing aids down.

SO I feel like crappola. The last dose of chemo is really taking its toll. However, at least I'm feeling like crap with a smile on my face. E, my pseudo older sister was in Canada and brought me back Quaker Crispy Minis in Dill Pickle, Salt and Vinegar and Ketchup. I'm like the happiest kid alive. You can't get them in the states and they're my guilty pleasure. So I'm munching on those whenever I have to take pain meds. You can't take the pain meds on an empty tummy.

I'm so close... yet so far!!


BOOM- Baby steps on the train of stops with amazing things to hear. One stop at a time.

Here we go! KOO KOO KAA CHOOOOO CHOOOO

Too Much Cheese- Oh Please.

Stauffers Mac and Cheese. It comes in a box in the frozen food section of the grocery store. Its something I know all too well.

If you had have asked me to eat it about a year ago, I may have vomited just thinking about it. But tonight, I'm nauseous, I'm hungry, I need to eat something, and Stauffers Mac and Cheese is all I want.

I hate what it represents, but I need to eat something.

When I was in Transplant, and maybe even before during the first round at Sick Kids in Toronto, (I can't remember) I was only allowed to eat and drink a few things. I refused to eat the hospital food. I still do. It repulses me. I could only drink Aquafina or Dasani water. Those are two brands that are pasteurized and with my compromised immune system in transplant, I had to be so careful. It was awful how strict they were. I couldn't have someone bring me McDonalds or Wendys if I wanted it. Foods had to be cooked to kill anything potentially harmful. When I say potentially harmful, I mean only to me. Not to an average person with an immune system. This really limited my options. This is where Stauffers and Cup O Noodle comes in. I would eat it for every meal. In fact typing this now, cup o noodles actually sounds pretty good.

When I'm out of the hospital, I can't touch these things. They remind me of chemo, and nausea and feeling terrible. They represent me being sick. So tonight, it hit me, I am sick, again. I was laying on my couch rolling around in pain, starving but having no appetite. While my mom went through a horde of options, none of which sounded appealing, I could taste Stauffers mac and cheese in my mouth.

"Mum, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I want Stauffers."

We hopped in the car and off we went to the grocery store.

"Are you sure babe?"

I couldn't believe it either. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE Kraft dinner, but its not the same thing. Something about Stauffers, and my stomach on chemo- it just works.

When we got home, I popped it in the microwave. I was too hungry to wait to cook it in the oven. The smell reigniting the feeling of being in the hospital. Taking me back to that place, where this was something I wanted, I needed because nothing else would do. As I stirred it, mixed emotions floated through me.

You only eat this when you're sick. You only want this when you're on chemo. You're really sick and on chemo.

Its amazing how the simplest thing can reignite a feeling. A smell, a song, a touch, can take you right back to a moment that its so real you actually feel like its happening all over again.

For me, the smell didn't ignite the nausea or fear of being back in the hospital, because I am sick again and luckily not in the hospital but in the same mindset. We loaded up on the Stauffers; meatloaf, Salisbury steak, lasagne, noodles and meat in meat sauce. None of which sounds appealing to me, but when I'm nauseous and hungry - will be all I'll want. It will be interesting to ask me in about a year, when I've beaten this and am back to eating normally, healthy, how I feel about Stauffers, because I bet I'll be repulsed. Until then, I'm finally going to bed with a full tummy.

Its weird because last night a family friend brought my dinner, tortellini in a tomato cream sauce that was incredible, but my stomach wasn't having it. It's official, the chemo effects are taking action, I can only stomach Stauffers. Yay. Chemo tomorrow... lets do this. Its number 4 out of 6. Although they've added more radiation, I have yet to find out if they are going to add more chemo. The only plus side to this, I've finally lost all my pooter hair! YAY for never having to get a bikini wax again, or heck I hope its permanent. See, there's always a bright side ;)