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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Some Days...

There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. Today was a bad day. (Monday)

I went to Cooper to get a second opinion for radiation treatment. The Cooper team wants me to have another surgery next week. Its much bigger than the last one. They are going to biopsy the periaordic lymph nodes (the one in my abdomen.) They don't want to radiate them unless they ABSOLUTELY have too. The more radiation, the more likely it will trigger my leukemia to come back. So, with that being said, they want to conclusively determine whether or not the cancer spread to those lymph nodes.

In the meantime, they will begin radiation of the pelvis, but with a different type of radiation. Yes there are different types, to me it all just seems like cooking me in a microwave. So I have two hospital teams saying kind of opposite things. What happens if I chose one team, and it doesn't work, or the symptoms and side effects are awful, and I could have chosen the other team and avoided them. What if I chose one team and it doesn't work, and the other team would have. All of these whats if F^(%!#@ Suck! I don't like what ifs.

My philosophy with a lot of the hospital stuff is, I don't want to know what you're doing, just do it. Don't tell me about all of the scary potential side effects. We'll deal with them when we have too, all you're doing is stressing me the hell out. I get it they have to disclose everything, but I don't want to know. As long as I'm not in a study, and its going to get me better, do it.

We're going back to Lankenau one more time to let them state their case. Give them a chance to tell us why their way is better. I'm thinking Cooper strictly for the reason that Lankenau doc is a dude and Cooper is a woman, and the dude talked about inserting this thing (a plastic like cylinder to help the radiation beams go exactly where they need to go, YAH and you thought an IUD was bad), and described it
"Oh its just like a tampon, except plastic."
Yeah well Cooper doc said
"Umm not so much, men will describe anything that goes up there like a tampon. You need sedation for it."
Well thats just peachy keen. I can't wait for the days when the only things I'll be sticking up there will be tampons, boys and BOB (Battery operated boyfriend for those of you who don't know who BOB is.)

I left the hospital. I was supposed to see my psych doc, but we ran late and I was mentally exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. Except K, and E, who really surprised me and is continuing to surprise me, in a good way.

I came home and my mom made me eat. I've never had a problem with my appetite. I've never been the girl who gets stressed and doesn't want to eat, well today, food repulsed me. So my mom forced me to eat and I went to sleep. I read a little bit and was out. cold.

I woke up, watched a movie, and had dinner. Luckily my mom made a pot roast. It was delicious and comfort food. The doc told me I'm going to have to eliminate veggies and fruit from my diet. Great, I've been working since march to transform my diet and now they want me to revert back to my old ways. Life is one big contradiction.

My other friend K messaged me and was like wanna skype? I was like
"I look like hell but sure."
I got on Skype and it was all my work friends there with her. I bawled, my eyes out. You don't realize how much you miss some people until you see them and know you can't see them for a long time. It was the perfect end to this day because quite honestly today sucked. I only got a few minutes with them before Skype conked out, but it was better than nothing. They went out and partied that night and took my fundraiser sign with them to take pics with. They made me feel included from 500 miles away. Those are some GOOD friends! Thank you guys :)

At least I'm going to bed not feeling forgotten, feeling WAY more homesick. Today is the kind of day, that makes me want to just get better, hide out in the country and live the simplest life possible. No ambitions, nothing exciting, but today is just one day in this grand scheme of things. Tomorrow is a new day. In fact, there are only 14 minutes left in today. 14 Minutes until I get a fresh day to start again. Because, some days are going to be good and some days are not. Today is one of the days that are not, and thats ok.


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