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Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Lazy Days before The Radiation Rayz

The last few days....

Have been really great. I've completely not thought about being sick. My Surgery got moved from next Wednesday to Tuesday and so therefore, I have a few days off to just... be. I told myself I was going to relax and that is exactly what I've done.

Where did we leave off....
*To be completely honest, the days are jumbled in my mind. So I've got stories.. but they may be out of order.*

I GOT HOT ROLLERS! I'm so excited. While visiting K in Kingston last time, she introduced me to her friend who is a hairstylist. He did my hair with hot rollers, Big Hair for a Big Personality. I was #OBSESSED. (yes I just hashtagged it) So I got my own. The ones he used on me were IMPOSSIBLE to find. Legit, I can't even find them on the intranet. (Not even the internet but the intranet.) I got wannabe's but I think I was semi successful!
F-> Professional
And my version (which is from Saturday night dinner with friends):

I think the whole point of the hairstyle is BIG SEX ME hair. It's my favorite look, I mean who doesn't want to feel like a VS angel.

So, on I think Thursday, the madre, seestor and I hung out. We went to dinner at "On The Border", or off the Border... heck I don't know, we were in the restaurant so I'll just say we were in the Border. I was once again obsessing over salsa. We were all in top notch moods because legit everything seemed funny. My mum was in the back seat and my sister was driving.
"Mom- stop making farting noises with your hands!"
yelled Nat.

My mum, was clearly disappointed after her
"LOOK what I can do"

Natalie turned up her Ipod and Lotus was playing. We joke that its my favorite band, although its a big hippie band that doesn't sing. Personally, I like lyrics in my music. BUT I "liked" the band and really wanted to go to a concert with her because... ok Backstory:
I had gone on a date with the HOTTEST guy. We met on match and he had been in Italian Vogue. (I didn't know this prior to the date and yes I googled as soon as I got home). Anyway, he loved Lotus and so when I found out both he and my sister were going to the show, I begged her to take me. The running joke then became how they were my "favorite" band. Long story short, she didn't take me, because "I'm not going to take a ticket away from someone who actually wants to be there!"- Damn hippies.
She was conveniently going to see them again this weekend. While reiterating that
"I just don't understand how they don't sing and have lyrics, its so weird."
Nat said...
"COURTNEY! You don't understand. Lotus is the essence of my being- I'm going to sit during their set and cry!"
Haha I laughed and was like ok dude. Its quite the coincidence because an old crush (who I chat with all the time) and I got on the topic of Lotus the following night and how our siblings were super into them. He was all like
"My bro wont stop asking about your sister, The 4 of us should totally hit up a show."
::Palm to forehead, with shaking of head motion:: It never ends. I joked that Natalie should take me this weekend with her, I mean I had the time off and why not experience a hippie festival. My mom supported me and was like
"Natalie! Take and include your sister!"
To which Natalie brought up a very valid point.
"Could you imagine her drinking for 12 Hours?"
I was like
"I could totally last all day!"
Natalie then won the argument with
"K, Thats what most men say and they are LIARS!"
Touche Nat. Well played! In the end though, she wish she had taken me. She stayed with a friend who had a foot fetish. No lie, loves feet. My mum and I couldn't let her live this one down, so we proceeded to send her pics of our feet all night. She ended up sleeping on a pull out couch, and almost being forced to leave the concert early. Should have Let me gooo :)

*I've been drawing the arrow tattoo on places to see how I feel about it.*

We went to On or Off the border and I got my salsa. It was GLORIOUS. Mum and I had margaritas and it was just fun to be out with the fam jam. So many funny things happen, and like its just an experience. I feel like I'm always laughing which is good, because I've been stressed about starting radiation. We're deciding on where we want to radiate. Just the pelvis or the abdomen as well. If we radiate the abdomen and pelvis, then we don't have to worry about doing the biopsy of the lymph nodes. However, there are more complications and risks with more radiation. The radiation could trigger my bone marrow to relapse and so the less the better. However if my lymph nodes are positive then we need to radiate them, so we'll only know conclusively with the biopsy. Its scary thinking that treatment for one disease could lead to the relapse of another disease. As someone told me
"The Cancer is just going to have to learn to leave you alone, It hasn't won a single battle and it is sure as hell not going to win the war so it should stop trying."

I've gotten to chat with a few old friends this week too through facebook and catch up with them. One of which, her mom has recently beat cervical cancer. It was nice to talk to her because she had a different insight than someone in the medical field. I asked her about side effects and of course vaginal dilators. We talked a lot too about age differences and how they relate to this experience. It sucks having to go through this as a rare case, i.e. being so damn young, because no body will completely understand what I'm going through. Old women can say they do, but ultimately they got to enjoy their sexual prime. I'm supposed to be just getting started. She and I had a bunch of laughs, and it was so nice to talk to her. She told me
"I"m just going to start calling you Bobo like the clown, because every time something punches you down, you get right back up!"

On Friday, I got a call from Cooper's Psych department. Dr. D insisted I get someone to talk too. My referral finally went though and they called to get a few facts so that could match me with the best possible doc. The guy was really cool and nice over the phone but I didn't want to do this. I felt like, if I was admitting to someone that I should talk to someone, then it was because I'm weak and cannot handle it on my own. I know this is not the case, but as I've said before,
"Your mind can be your worst enemy."
He asked me
"Why do you need to see a psychologist?"
to which I replied,
"Umm because my doctor told me I had too."
The guy laughed and it lightened the mood. I had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on my bed in a white towel still soaking wet. I tried to brush through my hair while we went over the questions,
"How are you sleeping? How is your appetite? Are you in pain? What meds are you on? Have you seen a therapist before? Are you depressed? Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? Do you feel like living is worthwhile? Do you have a healthy outlet? Do you abuse drugs and/or alcohol?"
It took about a half an hour and I was glad to be done. I like the fact they do the pre-screen because its not like you'll connect with every shrink, so at least this way they can find someone on the same page as me.

Friday was awesome too, because I got to see my mum's ex boyfriends' daughters. They were like little sisters to me and drove down from Princeton. We went for lunch and it was so weird because the little girls I went to the Britney Spears concert with, were now 15 and 20. How can I feel so old and so young all at once is crazy. We went for lunch and caught up and it was just so nice to get out of the house with someone who wasn't my mom or sister. They were such a breath of fresh air and got me the cutest bracelets which I'm now officially obsessed with. I love those girlies! (The one says "Young and Strong" and the other says "Positivity"- I don't know how they could be anymore fitting!)

Later that night my mum and I drove to drop her vehicle off at the dealer for an oil change. On the way back we went to pick up take out. It was fun, jamming in the car with mom. We went and got buffalo shrimp and they were amazing. I was once again craving the spice, and we mowed down. We played dress up at some point too, because I was in the mood for country. Its just a country girl thing, and probably the fact the Havelock Jamboree is this weekend and a ton of my friends are there. I texted my bestie K and was like, read the lyrics to this song. It describes me and my main weakness (in men)." It was "Ladies Love Country Boys" by Trace Adkins. I don't think I need to post the lyrics for you to catch the gist. "Pontoon" by Little Big Town came on too. That is my JAM from last summer, I rocked out. Obviously.

I didn't blog Friday night because I'm reading "Rules of Civility" by Amor Towles and I'm loving it. I also talked to the crush for a few hours. :) I won't lie, I have two crushes right now, and this one doesn't know I'm sick. He does know I'm blogging but not what about. Although he knows about my past health issues, I feel like I'm lying, but don't know why I need to tell him... right now. It's not that I'm ashamed or embarrassed of what I'm going through, but how he'll react makes me nervous. I could give him some credit and test his character by seeing how he'll react, but I risk being exposed to human nature. If he runs and hides then it is just a confirmation of how scary my situation is, and how much I would really rather not be dealing with it. It validates the fact, that being with someone in my predicament sucks just as much for them as it does for me. I guess I never worried about these things when I had leukemia because I was in a serious relationship with someone who loved me, and I knew they didn't care about my being sick, because they just wanted me, in any capacity. Now, I'm a package deal. You can have me, but you also have to have this list of things that suck and can hinder any number of things that normal couples do. Even the simple things... like go out to dinner. I won't know how I'm going to be feeling. The last few days I've been getting worse and worse. Its easy to hide fatigue with make up, and pain with a smile. But eventually that wont be so easy. So by me not telling him, is he my escape. My way to feel normal and connected to the inner 25 year old in me who so desperately wants to pretend like this is no big deal. If that's true... is it wrong? Maybe pretending to be normal isn't the worst thing, because then I won't lose touch of what its like to be "normal" and when I am better will be better able to quickly get back into the swing of things. ::Wishful Thinking::

Saturday I slept in. I woke up with a stuffy nose, sore throat, and what felt like a UTI. It was a reminder that yes, you're sick, and weak. My mum told me to stay in bed, but I knew she needed to go and pick up her car, so I took one for the team. We went to Starbucks to get me a frozen hot chocolate but it just wasn't the same. After we went and got her car we went and got our nails done. Or as they say in jersey... "Get our nails did." At least if I can't feel like a woman, I can feel girly. The Dallas vs. Arizona preseason football game was on and it was so nice to relax, get pampered and watch the game. It really is incredible how bad Dallas sucks, thank god its preseason for them, but even still, its doubtful they'll get any better. I mean really, FOUR turnovers in the first half. Poor Romo, should have stuck with golf. I just can't wait for the regular season to start and am stoked that if I have to be in the states, its at least during football season. *Haha only I talk about wanting to feel girly- and watching football in the same paragraph. Yup, I'm still me*
*Oh and for the record, one of my ALL TIME favorite tv shows starts Sept 4th. HOLLA to the LEAGUE.

Later that night my mum and I went for dinner with a really good childhood friend's mum and sister. I hadn't seen them since probably middle school. N, (my friend) is in San Fran and couldn't come but I got to facetime her. Her sis and I were talking about boobs and she was like
"You should see N's!"
I was like
"OMG REALLY? I'm totally going to ask her to show me on facetime!"
haha Oohhh how I haven't changed a bit. They got me the most gorgeous necklace. It's so me, and I'm already excited for another night out, so I can dress up and wear it. I've actually been spoiled this week, which has no lie, not sucked because next week will. We caught up on everything, our pets, families, old stories, new stories, TV. My mum brought up how she is like Penny from the Big Bang Theory because she works with some crazy intelligent people. She ended it perfectly with a story about her coworker from Bali.
"I was like OMG, next time you go to Bali (pronounced: Bah-Lee) I'm totally going with you."
I was like
"Ummm mum, do you mean Bali (prounounced Bawl-ee)?"
hhahaha I haven't been able to stop ripping on her. As my sister would say
"You're prettttty!"
On the car ride home, I pulled a total Courtney moment. While at dinner we obviously caught up on relationships past. I was showing them pictures on my phone, because... well lets just say some of their personalities made their physical descriptions much less appealing. While showing them my one ex, I accidentally clicked the "like" button on facebook for the pic. As we were in the car driving home I got a facebook notification
"S has liked your picture."
I clicked to see what picture and was like "OMFG!" It couldn't be a coincidence that she liked that EXACT picture that was over 3 years old just out of the blue. The SAME picture that I just so happened to be showing them tonight. I went into panic mode until another facebook notification came in.
"R has liked your pic."
At this point I knew I must have accidentally posted it to my wall or have done something. I instantly private messaged R and was like
"Hey.... (explained story)... So is it showing up in your newsfeed?"
She was like
"Yes, OMG I can unlike it, I just thought it was a pretty pic."
I was like no no, no worries. He was tagged in the picture so he was getting these notifications too. The damage had been done. Well, now he knows I was talking about him, or at least looking at our pics. ::Palm to head, again, shakes head:: Damn blonde moments.

We came home and I crawled into bed. I'm pooped. My friends have totally stepped up again this week. People, you totally wouldn't have expected. People checking in, people showing they care. When my psychologist pre screener asked me
"How are your support systems? Do you have a lot of social support?"
It was probably the only question I could answer with a resounding
"Absof***ing-lutely YES!"