2013-08-02 2:52 PMThat is the text message that started this journey.... again. No one wants to receive a text from their doctor from their personal cell phone saying that, because it can only mean one thing- something is wrong.
"Courtney, it's Dr. N. Can you call me when you have a chance to talk. You can reach me on this number."
After the phone call and the initial shock set in, that indeed I was going to have to put my life on hold, AGAIN... and the tears began to flow, I called out of work. In hysterical sobs...
"Um so my results... ::gasp for breath:: came in. ::Breathy sigh:: and ummm ::wipe tears, take breath:: They weren't good. ::Sniffle, wipe nose, take breath:: So ummm, I can come in tonight but I'm not sure if you want me working in this condition, ::Choke back more tears, take breath:: and umm I'm not going to be able to work next week, ::Breath, breath:: and um I don't know if you should schedule me for a while, ::Choke back more tears as reality starts to set in:: and Ummm but I really want to still work there and I'm so sorry."
My boss was obviously extremely understanding. As I hung up the phone, more sobs continued to pour out of me like a crack dealer throwing punches at a runner who lost a load. There was a trembling walk to the bathroom to get tissues, which resulted in a collapse on the floor for more hysterical sobs that could not be executed while standing. Sexy Dexy, my cat, walked over meowing... clearly aware that something was not right.
This continued for a few hours... phone calls, text messages, and sobs. Ugly cry, sobs.
Of course, the weather decided to paint the perfect back drop for what felt like a dream already and started pouring rain. Not spitting, not a steady rain, but pounding the pavement rain. My windows in my car were open- "$#!%" I walked out to my car, because who runs in a state of personal breakdown, and crawled inside soaking wet. Once inside I put the windows up, while the new Selena Gomez CD blared. My car stereo is ALWAYS on high, because it drowns out the sounds of my car slowly dying on me. The windows quickly began to fog and I began to sob again. Profusely. I screamed, because I finally felt I had a moment to be angry. I allowed myself to cry, scream and wail. I was no longer sobbing, it became a wail. Thoughts of "is this actually happening?" "What did I do to deserve this?" and of course "I finally feel like I am starting to have a normal, yet productive life that I knew I was always capable of... everything is finally going right!"
I walked back inside and the next few hours became a blur.
I took a shower, I fell asleep. I cried. I also posted on facebook:
That moment when your world just crashes down on you and everything you thought you knew is gone, and everything you were excited about is lost and all you can really do is just try and breath. That moment is my life right now.That was all it took. Those who knew me, knew what it meant. With out confirmation, it was confirmed. I tried to answer every message, but with each response of "Yes, it is true, I have cancer again. No it is not leukemia, and no I do not know anything more." it became more real.
My best friend from Toronto came and crawled in bed with me that night. We talked, and caught up and for a minute I felt normal again. My other best friend came from Kingston the next day, and she helped me pack. She told me to "Get out of bed, and lets get out of this house... and no not looking like that." I wouldn't have expected nor wanted to hear anything else at that exact moment.
My personal trainer who I've come to absolutely ADORE (except when I hate her... like during burpees), met up with me and did my measurements to see how far I had come since we began. Over the halfway mark. She made me cry and wrote me the most beautiful card, and made me a bracelet like the one she had been wearing the day before which of course... matched my sneakers. Everything had to match my gym sneakers. They were my favorite part of working out. That bracelet is what is going to remind me how hard I've worked to get where I am, and no matter how crappy I feel, to keep going.
I had dinner with close girlfriends, and while leaving ran into a co-worker who made me cry again. I'm going to miss those girls like crazy. I work with a boat load of girls and one guy and actually love them. Its weird, I know, girls who get along... believe me it freaks me out too.
I went home, drank wine and slept. 32 hours had finally passed.