And So It Begins.... Radiation Day 1

If you had have asked me what I expected from today when I woke up, it would be completely different from how my day ended up. (Tuesday August 27)

We had our appointment at Lankenau hospital today to just get more information on the radiation. I was scheduled to start radiation, but after our appointment at Cooper, we weren't so sure. We went into the appointment armed with a little more knowledge about the whole process and wanted to see what was different between the two hospitals and why one was better than the other.

Once in the appointment, Dr. D2 started going over everything again. It turned out, his treatment plan was almost identical to Coopers. Cooper had just gone into a lot more detail when describing (which I hate) and that's why I felt like they were completely different. Dr. D2 had a confidence about him. He knew what he needed to do and didn't want to waste time. I wouldn't be able to start with Cooper for another week. I WOULD be able to start today with him. He got up, left the room to give my mum and I a chance to decide, and my mom and I agreed, Lankenau it is. I don't want to wait any longer. Dr. D2 said it himself, my cancer was metastatic meaning it spreads and if we don't get it under control sooner than later who knows where else it will spread too and how treatable that will be.

I didn't care anymore. I like Cooper's facilities better, but I like my doctors at Lankenau better. My decision was made. Lankenau also brought up one more point that for me was a big deal. They were NOT going to do the surgery. They said there was only a 7% false positive rate that my lymph nodes were faking being cancerous. They were just going to assume they are. The robotic surgery is risky. Its dangerous. There will be scars, and I already have enough, hence why I hate bikini season.

The other thing I liked about Dr. D2, he said this one sentence which made me feel a lot better.

"You're only 25, you're young, I'm treating to cure so I'm going to be aggressive. To give you the best quality of life."

That sentence made me feel like he knows that there is no point in curing if there is no life to live after. It sounds morbid, but its true. That instilled the confidence in me to say lets just do this. I feel like I've been waiting around for Cooper and I don't have time to wait. My life is waiting for me.

I miss my friends. I miss work. GOODNESS GOLLY do I miss work. I miss my customers, my regulars, my coworkers who are my friends, I miss my bosses, even the crazy ones. I miss my gym, I miss my hometown which can honestly be insanely annoyingly small at times but I don't even care anymore. We got a FroYo place, so obviously they're moving up in the world. I want to move on and start by getting home. I'm not even upset I'm going home to the crazyness that ensues when you put your life on hold, "like crap will my car work, prob not." Dealing with OSAP and phone bills and all this stuff you try to put on hold. Its just a pain, but I don't even care. I can't even wait.

So I started radiation. I walked over with the techs and they compared me with my picture that they took on the first day I met them. (Yup, because everybody wants to be getting radiation these days, its all the rage.) I went into the room, and there was a huge machine on the table. All I keep thinking about when I think about it, is the villain from Spiderman, Dr. Octopus. The machine had these long arm like things that went around your body to take pictures (xrays before the radiation) and it was so creepy. I wasn't allowed to move. Every time the radiation beam would fire, these 5 lights which resembled Emergency Exit signs lit up with a beeping nose. My heart jumped each time.

*This is an advertisement for the machine. It's similar but not even close.

I was afraid to move even the slightest movement. I was scared at first, because how was I supposed to know how this was supposed to feel. I could feel tears welling up, and could just picture them about to roll down my cheeks but then my mindset changed. The cancer is on the left side of my pelvis and I just pictured my cancer clinging on for dear life as this machine zapped its brains out. I pictured it shrinking, disappearing. By the time I knew it, it was over. The techs came back in and told me they had to give me another tattoo. Great. That was it, it was done. I felt weird.

People keep asking me

"How do you feel?"

I don't know how I feel. I feel weird. Somethings off. I can feel the cancer, as weird as that sounds. Its on my left side and it feels like there is this cramp like sensation there. Its not tingly and its not crampy its just awkward feeling there. It feels like if I laugh too hard or loud or move the wrong way it could burst. I feel like I constantly have to pee and like I did a really intense ab workout. There's this burn sensation but not. It's just not something you can describe. I'm tired and just weirded out.

We start chemo tomorrow. Between the two, I'm probably going to be feeling like $#!%. I'm angry at the people who assumed,

"Oh this will be a piece of cake."

No, its not. It sucks and let me feel like it sucks. Stop trying to tell me not to get mad or telling me to stop pitying myself because I'm allowed to be angry and upset. I can be the most positive person in the world, because I am, I know I'm going to beat this, but I can and am allowed to hurt, and cry and be pissed the **** off sometimes.

There's nothing worse then when people try to tell you,

"Well maybe you should go do this"

, or

"maybe doing something will help."

Well you know what, maybe laying in my bed, doing nothing or reading and taking my mind off the situation will help too.
I had a person after chemo say

"Well I think it would be good for you to get out of the house, see a movie and take your mind off things."

I felt like I wanted all day to die, stop pressuring. Odds are I want to see you, I usually do, but unfortunately it has to be on my time right now. How I am going to be feeling is unpredictable, Don't take it personal.

The hardest part about dealing with any type of cancer is people not being able to relate to the situation and thinking they understand completely. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. No matter how close you are to someone who has gone through it. I can't even relate to people that have gone through it because everyone's situation is different. Its a really lonely feeling.

The best thing people have done for me to help me get through, is to take my mind off of it. The last time I was in transplant, Twilight was just about to come out. I became obsessed, with everything Twilight. I read the books in 5 days, I went and saw the movie 13 times (I was in isolation and the only thing I was allowed to do out of the house was go to matinee movies.) It was the best distraction. Go ahead, ask me questions to understand, don't ever assume. I don't mind answering questions, it helps me to know that you're at least trying to understand. That you care. Some times, I'm not going to want to talk about it and some days I would LOVE to vent. This is where support becomes a fine line. I had a person wish me luck for radiation yesterday. After I said thanks he asked

"When will you get the results?"

haha I giggled and laughed but thought it was adorable.

"Its not a test, its a treatment so there wont be results."

I appreciated he asked, I appreciated he cared and don't expect him to know whats going on and that is 100% ok.

It sounds like I'm really ungrateful for a lot of the support I've received. I'm not, I'm so blessed. But I also know this situation is similar to a funeral... You don't know what to say. Its ok to not know what to say, whats not ok is to assume you know whats best. Aid in helping someone deal, don't tell them how to deal with their life altering situation.

As I head into the microwave Dr. Octopus machine tomorrow, I'm going to remember:

"Yes this sucks! Yes you are one unlucky SOB, but YES you can get through it. Yes you WILL get through it. Yes your life will never be the same, but YES you will have a life and you have amazing friends and family, and although you will never be ordinary and normal, you will just have to do with being extraordinary, and special."

Some Days...

There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. Today was a bad day. (Monday)

I went to Cooper to get a second opinion for radiation treatment. The Cooper team wants me to have another surgery next week. Its much bigger than the last one. They are going to biopsy the periaordic lymph nodes (the one in my abdomen.) They don't want to radiate them unless they ABSOLUTELY have too. The more radiation, the more likely it will trigger my leukemia to come back. So, with that being said, they want to conclusively determine whether or not the cancer spread to those lymph nodes.

In the meantime, they will begin radiation of the pelvis, but with a different type of radiation. Yes there are different types, to me it all just seems like cooking me in a microwave. So I have two hospital teams saying kind of opposite things. What happens if I chose one team, and it doesn't work, or the symptoms and side effects are awful, and I could have chosen the other team and avoided them. What if I chose one team and it doesn't work, and the other team would have. All of these whats if F^(%!#@ Suck! I don't like what ifs.

My philosophy with a lot of the hospital stuff is, I don't want to know what you're doing, just do it. Don't tell me about all of the scary potential side effects. We'll deal with them when we have too, all you're doing is stressing me the hell out. I get it they have to disclose everything, but I don't want to know. As long as I'm not in a study, and its going to get me better, do it.

We're going back to Lankenau one more time to let them state their case. Give them a chance to tell us why their way is better. I'm thinking Cooper strictly for the reason that Lankenau doc is a dude and Cooper is a woman, and the dude talked about inserting this thing (a plastic like cylinder to help the radiation beams go exactly where they need to go, YAH and you thought an IUD was bad), and described it

"Oh its just like a tampon, except plastic."

Yeah well Cooper doc said

"Umm not so much, men will describe anything that goes up there like a tampon. You need sedation for it."

Well thats just peachy keen. I can't wait for the days when the only things I'll be sticking up there will be tampons, boys and BOB (Battery operated boyfriend for those of you who don't know who BOB is.)

I left the hospital. I was supposed to see my psych doc, but we ran late and I was mentally exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. Except K, and E, who really surprised me and is continuing to surprise me, in a good way.

I came home and my mom made me eat. I've never had a problem with my appetite. I've never been the girl who gets stressed and doesn't want to eat, well today, food repulsed me. So my mom forced me to eat and I went to sleep. I read a little bit and was out. cold.

I woke up, watched a movie, and had dinner. Luckily my mom made a pot roast. It was delicious and comfort food. The doc told me I'm going to have to eliminate veggies and fruit from my diet. Great, I've been working since march to transform my diet and now they want me to revert back to my old ways. Life is one big contradiction.

My other friend K messaged me and was like wanna skype? I was like

"I look like hell but sure."

I got on Skype and it was all my work friends there with her. I bawled, my eyes out. You don't realize how much you miss some people until you see them and know you can't see them for a long time. It was the perfect end to this day because quite honestly today sucked. I only got a few minutes with them before Skype conked out, but it was better than nothing. They went out and partied that night and took my fundraiser sign with them to take pics with. They made me feel included from 500 miles away. Those are some GOOD friends! Thank you guys :)

At least I'm going to bed not feeling forgotten, feeling WAY more homesick. Today is the kind of day, that makes me want to just get better, hide out in the country and live the simplest life possible. No ambitions, nothing exciting, but today is just one day in this grand scheme of things. Tomorrow is a new day. In fact, there are only 14 minutes left in today. 14 Minutes until I get a fresh day to start again. Because, some days are going to be good and some days are not. Today is one of the days that are not, and thats ok.

John Mayer, Jake Owen, Jason Aldean & Jack Daniels: My men this weekend. P1

I woke up and opened my eyes. Not the kind of wake up where you roll over, stare into the sunlight, blink 100 times and adjust to your surroundings. No, the kind where your eyes shoot open, wide open, your hands instantly fly out to your sides and grip the closest thing. I saw deep brown walls, a big mirror on the wall, and windows covered up by dark curtains. My head was pounding.

"Where the HELL was I?"

After a couple minutes of adjusting to the volcano erupting in my head, and my eyes dissecting the room, it hit me.

"What the HELL am I doing in my sisters bed?"

I rolled over, and tried to get up.

"Hmm this is going to be a lot harder than it should be."

I braced my self and pushed my self up with every ounce of energy I could muster. As soon as I was vertical, my volcano turned into the death star blowing up my brain.

"This is not going to be a good day."

I wobbled to the bathroom, gripping every surface I could find on the way to stable myself. I peed, and with my eyes closed and an evil smiling grin thought to myself

"That was one HELL of a night!"

It all started on Friday while laying in bed with my mum. I knew this was going to be my last weekend before treatment and if its anything like it has been in the past, we know that making plans is impossible. Expect the unexpected. SO we wanted to do it up this weekend, and do it up might be an understatement. I had been talking about how I wanted to go to Jason Aldean all week. I missed Boots and Hearts and the Havelock Jamboree (both country festivals in Canada.) I love country. All of it. Back to when I used to Dj and bartend on Tumbleweed Tuesdays at the Ale House Canteen in Kingston ($4 Beer boots anyone?) My first concert was Garth Brooks, and I was seriously young. So my mum looked at me and was like,

"ok lets see if we can get tickets."

I think my mum has a magical touch because not only did we get tickets we got 13th row. The concert was on Saturday and I was so excited I couldn't even handle it. It gets better, John Mayer was also in town. He was playing Friday night and she looked at me as said, wanna go? I was like UH YES! We were doing the double hitter and I was STOKED!

I was supposed to go see JOHN FREAKING MAYER (Friends With Benefits fans anyone?) with a guy friend about 4 years ago. I even told him,

"look R, are you sure you're taking me because if not I'll get my own tickets."

He responded with "No, no its you and me!" Well that didn't happen and I was SOOOO mad at him. Legit pissed, more so bummed I missed the concert, because that was also for my favorite album of his 'Battle Studies". It worked out though, because I was finally getting to go. My concert bucket list was being ticked off one by one this summer. There really isn't that much to do around here in Philly.

Friday night, me, J and my mom. John Mayer, 8th row center, HEAVEN. I raided my sisters closet, got ready and we were off. We got there, did the usual, our 3B routine; bathroom, booze and buy tshirts. We were almost ready to go. We had to grab the crab fries. LOVE THEM. I sat next to this older woman (at least 50s) and realized she was there by herself. It made sense because we had 3 tickets so odds are she bought the single. It was so cute, because she was there just because she loved the music. So much so, she didn't care if anyone else came with her. She was married because she had on a wedding ring too. Personally, I would kick my husbands tush if he made me go alone but I was like

"Damn, I want to have this woman's balls some day."

I'll do movies by myself and go to restaurants, I mean sometimes I don't want to be around people, I just feel like a concert is a whole other level. She rocked out and it was adorable. Philip Phillips opened and he was AMAZING. He did a lil Wayne cover and it was epic. John sounded incredible live. It was madness. He played for two and a half hours and it was just a huge jam sesh. The concert was tailored for his die hard fans. There were a lot of songs I didn't know, and I have all of his cds and listen to them, all the time. I think he played a lot of stuff off his new album which comes out like next week. It was still so good. Talk about talent.

At one point he kind of stopped the show because a girl was holding up a sign that said "Please Play 'Comfortable'". He commented on her sign and was like "It's not on the set list but because its such a beautiful song, lets do it." He whipped it out like it was nothing and the cameras panned to the girl and she was basically crying. It was the cutest thing and I think the highlight of my night. Something about seeing people that happy, just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

As we were standing there, loving life, I was looking off to the side of the stage to see if Katy Perry was by chance there. I saw a blonde haired guy and was like...

"Hmmm I know that hair"

Then I saw two other guys with him, and grabbed my mums arm,

"OMG MOM, thats Harry Styles and Niall Horan and Liam from One Direction!"

She was like

"Who?"

I was like MOOMMMMM! I had watched them on GMA that morning so I knew they were in the area. After John's last song before his encore, he walked over and gave his guitar to Niall. The lights were out but Niall stood up and waved it to the crowd. It was a John Mayer concert so I doubt there were a lot of directioners there but I have very eclectic taste and I knew exactly who it was and was excited about it ::not ashamed::. My suspicions were later confirmed when the boys tweeted a pic from the concert. I was crushed, I should have tried to get pics. I was also so stoked!

After the concert we went to the Cheesecake Factory. I was pooped but I needed munchies. It was so good as usual. It was just an all around fun evening. Saturday is where things get interesting.

*I don't like bananas plain, but had to eat something in the car on the way there to take a med and a banana was all I could find.

I slept in all day Saturday. My energy levels were already low from the night before and I knew tonight was going to be UNREAL! My mum woke me up and I got ready as quick as I could. We had to head into Philly to pick up our tickets. Now according to my mum there was some drama, but I'll get to that later. I put in my biggest and best country curls and was going to wear my favorite white sundress but I had forgotten my cowboy boots in Canada and something about it just felt wrong if I wore flip flops. This is now the SECOND case of underpacked, cough cough "DAD" cough cough. So I went with Jeans, a black tank and my cowboy hat. My mum and I ended up being kinda twins, it was cute.

We grabbed food for our tailgate and some beer and were on our way. We picked up the tickets, and because of the miscommunication, we ended up getting two extras. We didn't notice till we were in the car. We figured we could pawn them, or worst/fun case pay it forward. We had VIP parking which was sweet too. We got to the lot, set up shop and were ready to go. I told my mum not to underestimate country fans, we're loyal as hell. People had been there drinking all day. Apparently, (and we found this out after the show), there were something like 4,000 people who stayed in the parking lots after the concert started to just party and listen to the music. Thats pretty damn cool!

Some people had these little tents, which looked weird. When we got a closer look we realized people had brought their own porta potties. ::Mind. Blown.:: There were pick up trucks with stripper poles in the beds. STRIPPER POLES. Little did I realize the foreshadowing this was for the rest of the night. We went over to another lot and the people had clearly been there all day. It was like a frat party. You could barely move there were so many people, the music was blaring and everyone was rocking their red solo cups. As we were walking through one guy looked at my mum and yelled "MOMMMMMMMMMM". It was the funniest thing ever, she grabbed me and was like moving on, clearly unimpressed.

In line for the porta potty we made some new friends. Leave it to the Canadians to find each other. I went on a beer run and when I got to the line I saw my mum chatting away with these pretty hot guys. I was like uh OKAY Chaunce, way to work it. It turned out they were from Canada. Upon further probing we discovered they were rookies here for Flyers training camp. They had just come to party but wanted tickets and we had tickets. It was really funny because we had noticed them right when we first got there... My mum was like

"OOH Pink shorts- he is so your type"

I was like

"Thanks mom but nah, theres another cowboy I'd rather be with."

Turned out he was with our hockey buds. We went over to their tailgate and pink shorts was WASTED. I asked him

"Do the color of your shorts speak to your sexual orientation?"

He looked at his friend and was like

"She just chirped my shorts"

then came over and kissed me on the cheek. So cute. So drunk. We ended up just giving the one player T our extra tickets because he was actually really polite and nice. He wasn't wasted and was just an all around nice guy. He didn't walk around boasting who he was and I appreciated that. My mum had a friend selling tickets too, the other guys got theirs as well from him. We parted ways before the show but it added to our tailgate experience.

We went into the show and pulled our 3B routine. Bathroom, Booze, & Buy. I got the CUTEST shirts, which I'm actually obsessed with. We missed Thomas Rhett but we got there just in time for Jake Owen.

Oh. My. Gawd.

He was incredible live. He would take pics with peoples' camera phones, sign hats, drink people in the audience's beer. He was so entertaining, so hot, so good live. My mum was shocked at how full it was, because normally the opening act is hit or miss, but everyone was in their seats ready to go. He dedicated "Alone With You" to all the cowboys with their cowgirls and it made me wish a certain someone was there with me, (not saying I didn't have fun with my mom, I mean she's my partner in crime!) Did I mention how hot Jake Owen was?

Jason was so close I could hardly wait. DJ Silver played and he was AWESOME. But then, the lights went low. It was so dark you couldn't see anything... until the screens lit up. At the top of the main screen on stage that was flashing Crazytown, (the song he opened with) was the silhouette of a cowboy. My heart stopped. It was go time!

I rocked out the whole show. I could barely even handle it. My calves hurt so much today because I constantly jump up and down during concerts. Its a great workout, I highly recommend it. I was singing, bopping around, my cowboy hat flew off like 5 times and we were so lucky the people around us were cool. Our seats were so close. The pictures don't do it justice.

When he played "She's Country" you would have thought I won the lottery. I was jumping up and down so hard, it was as if there was an invisible jump rope. Maybe all my trainer needed to do to get me to jump longer than 30 seconds was to play that song because I went non stop! His encore was "My Kind Of Party" and I was just as stoked! My mom looked over at me half way through the concert and I was like

"WHAT are you staring at?"

She was like

"You know every word"

in a very surprised tone. I was like

"Mom, I don't think you understand this secret obsession I have with country music, cowboys and plaid. Tonight is one of the highlights of my summer!"

We got a sweet little surprise too. So Jason walks to the top of the main screen and talks about how he did this duet with Kelly Clarkson. I was like "OOh saw her two weeks ago." So he's like

"Yea we did this song 'Don't You Wanna Stay' and so ladies and gentleman KELLY CLARKSON."

I was expecting her to show up on a screen or something like a video but NO! SHE WAS THERE! I just about died. What are the odds she was at our show? She's touring with Maroon 5, how did this happen? She looked hot too! She had a skin tight red leopard print dress (very fitting for Jersey.)I was stoked, it was just the BEST concert. He is so talented and sounded amazing live and I would put it in the top 2 concerts I've ever seen. Yes, ahead of Britney, I know I know I just admitted that.

When it was over I was crushed. I actually could have stayed a few more hours....

So the rest of my night.... ::Evil Grin:: There will be a part two. :)

Until then, I need to sleep. I have my second opinion tomorrow with Cooper Radiation people. We got what could be bad news on Friday. I may have to have another surgery to biopsy the lymph node. This would be a lot more intense than the last one because I would be completely under anesthesia, and they would use robots. Hmmm that sounds fun. ANy other scenario and they would just radiate but they don't want to have to give me any more radiation than they have too because it really could trigger my bone marrow, i.e. my leukemia to relapse. So we're waiting to get more information. Until then, I start radiation on Tuesday. ::Not Excited!:: So we'll be getting more information on that this week. I can just sit and think about how amazing my weekend was whenever it gets me down.

Thanks Mom!

The Lazy Days before The Radiation Rayz

The last few days....

Have been really great. I've completely not thought about being sick. My Surgery got moved from next Wednesday to Tuesday and so therefore, I have a few days off to just... be. I told myself I was going to relax and that is exactly what I've done.

Where did we leave off....
*To be completely honest, the days are jumbled in my mind. So I've got stories.. but they may be out of order.*

I GOT HOT ROLLERS! I'm so excited. While visiting K in Kingston last time, she introduced me to her friend who is a hairstylist. He did my hair with hot rollers, Big Hair for a Big Personality. I was #OBSESSED. (yes I just hashtagged it) So I got my own. The ones he used on me were IMPOSSIBLE to find. Legit, I can't even find them on the intranet. (Not even the internet but the intranet.) I got wannabe's but I think I was semi successful!
F-> Professional

And my version (which is from Saturday night dinner with friends):

I think the whole point of the hairstyle is BIG SEX ME hair. It's my favorite look, I mean who doesn't want to feel like a VS angel.

So, on I think Thursday, the madre, seestor and I hung out. We went to dinner at "On The Border", or off the Border... heck I don't know, we were in the restaurant so I'll just say we were in the Border. I was once again obsessing over salsa. We were all in top notch moods because legit everything seemed funny. My mum was in the back seat and my sister was driving.

"Mom- stop making farting noises with your hands!"

yelled Nat.

My mum, was clearly disappointed after her

"LOOK what I can do"

exclamation!

Natalie turned up her Ipod and Lotus was playing. We joke that its my favorite band, although its a big hippie band that doesn't sing. Personally, I like lyrics in my music. BUT I "liked" the band and really wanted to go to a concert with her because... ok Backstory:

I had gone on a date with the HOTTEST guy. We met on match and he had been in Italian Vogue. (I didn't know this prior to the date and yes I googled as soon as I got home). Anyway, he loved Lotus and so when I found out both he and my sister were going to the show, I begged her to take me. The running joke then became how they were my "favorite" band. Long story short, she didn't take me, because "I'm not going to take a ticket away from someone who actually wants to be there!"- Damn hippies.

She was conveniently going to see them again this weekend. While reiterating that

"I just don't understand how they don't sing and have lyrics, its so weird."

Nat said...

"COURTNEY! You don't understand. Lotus is the essence of my being- I'm going to sit during their set and cry!"

Haha I laughed and was like ok dude. Its quite the coincidence because an old crush (who I chat with all the time) and I got on the topic of Lotus the following night and how our siblings were super into them. He was all like

"My bro wont stop asking about your sister, The 4 of us should totally hit up a show."

::Palm to forehead, with shaking of head motion:: It never ends. I joked that Natalie should take me this weekend with her, I mean I had the time off and why not experience a hippie festival. My mom supported me and was like

"Natalie! Take and include your sister!"

To which Natalie brought up a very valid point.

"Could you imagine her drinking for 12 Hours?"

I was like

"I could totally last all day!"

Natalie then won the argument with

"K, Thats what most men say and they are LIARS!"

Touche Nat. Well played! In the end though, she wish she had taken me. She stayed with a friend who had a foot fetish. No lie, loves feet. My mum and I couldn't let her live this one down, so we proceeded to send her pics of our feet all night. She ended up sleeping on a pull out couch, and almost being forced to leave the concert early. Should have Let me gooo :)

*I've been drawing the arrow tattoo on places to see how I feel about it.*

We went to On or Off the border and I got my salsa. It was GLORIOUS. Mum and I had margaritas and it was just fun to be out with the fam jam. So many funny things happen, and like its just an experience. I feel like I'm always laughing which is good, because I've been stressed about starting radiation. We're deciding on where we want to radiate. Just the pelvis or the abdomen as well. If we radiate the abdomen and pelvis, then we don't have to worry about doing the biopsy of the lymph nodes. However, there are more complications and risks with more radiation. The radiation could trigger my bone marrow to relapse and so the less the better. However if my lymph nodes are positive then we need to radiate them, so we'll only know conclusively with the biopsy. Its scary thinking that treatment for one disease could lead to the relapse of another disease. As someone told me

"The Cancer is just going to have to learn to leave you alone, It hasn't won a single battle and it is sure as hell not going to win the war so it should stop trying."

I've gotten to chat with a few old friends this week too through facebook and catch up with them. One of which, her mom has recently beat cervical cancer. It was nice to talk to her because she had a different insight than someone in the medical field. I asked her about side effects and of course vaginal dilators. We talked a lot too about age differences and how they relate to this experience. It sucks having to go through this as a rare case, i.e. being so damn young, because no body will completely understand what I'm going through. Old women can say they do, but ultimately they got to enjoy their sexual prime. I'm supposed to be just getting started. She and I had a bunch of laughs, and it was so nice to talk to her. She told me

"I"m just going to start calling you Bobo like the clown, because every time something punches you down, you get right back up!"

On Friday, I got a call from Cooper's Psych department. Dr. D insisted I get someone to talk too. My referral finally went though and they called to get a few facts so that could match me with the best possible doc. The guy was really cool and nice over the phone but I didn't want to do this. I felt like, if I was admitting to someone that I should talk to someone, then it was because I'm weak and cannot handle it on my own. I know this is not the case, but as I've said before,

"Your mind can be your worst enemy."

He asked me

"Why do you need to see a psychologist?"

to which I replied,

"Umm because my doctor told me I had too."

The guy laughed and it lightened the mood. I had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on my bed in a white towel still soaking wet. I tried to brush through my hair while we went over the questions,

"How are you sleeping? How is your appetite? Are you in pain? What meds are you on? Have you seen a therapist before? Are you depressed? Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? Do you feel like living is worthwhile? Do you have a healthy outlet? Do you abuse drugs and/or alcohol?"

It took about a half an hour and I was glad to be done. I like the fact they do the pre-screen because its not like you'll connect with every shrink, so at least this way they can find someone on the same page as me.

Friday was awesome too, because I got to see my mum's ex boyfriends' daughters. They were like little sisters to me and drove down from Princeton. We went for lunch and it was so weird because the little girls I went to the Britney Spears concert with, were now 15 and 20. How can I feel so old and so young all at once is crazy. We went for lunch and caught up and it was just so nice to get out of the house with someone who wasn't my mom or sister. They were such a breath of fresh air and got me the cutest bracelets which I'm now officially obsessed with. I love those girlies! (The one says "Young and Strong" and the other says "Positivity"- I don't know how they could be anymore fitting!)

Later that night my mum and I drove to drop her vehicle off at the dealer for an oil change. On the way back we went to pick up take out. It was fun, jamming in the car with mom. We went and got buffalo shrimp and they were amazing. I was once again craving the spice, and we mowed down. We played dress up at some point too, because I was in the mood for country. Its just a country girl thing, and probably the fact the Havelock Jamboree is this weekend and a ton of my friends are there. I texted my bestie K and was like, read the lyrics to this song. It describes me and my main weakness (in men)." It was "Ladies Love Country Boys" by Trace Adkins. I don't think I need to post the lyrics for you to catch the gist. "Pontoon" by Little Big Town came on too. That is my JAM from last summer, I rocked out. Obviously.

I didn't blog Friday night because I'm reading "Rules of Civility" by Amor Towles and I'm loving it. I also talked to the crush for a few hours. :) I won't lie, I have two crushes right now, and this one doesn't know I'm sick. He does know I'm blogging but not what about. Although he knows about my past health issues, I feel like I'm lying, but don't know why I need to tell him... right now. It's not that I'm ashamed or embarrassed of what I'm going through, but how he'll react makes me nervous. I could give him some credit and test his character by seeing how he'll react, but I risk being exposed to human nature. If he runs and hides then it is just a confirmation of how scary my situation is, and how much I would really rather not be dealing with it. It validates the fact, that being with someone in my predicament sucks just as much for them as it does for me. I guess I never worried about these things when I had leukemia because I was in a serious relationship with someone who loved me, and I knew they didn't care about my being sick, because they just wanted me, in any capacity. Now, I'm a package deal. You can have me, but you also have to have this list of things that suck and can hinder any number of things that normal couples do. Even the simple things... like go out to dinner. I won't know how I'm going to be feeling. The last few days I've been getting worse and worse. Its easy to hide fatigue with make up, and pain with a smile. But eventually that wont be so easy. So by me not telling him, is he my escape. My way to feel normal and connected to the inner 25 year old in me who so desperately wants to pretend like this is no big deal. If that's true... is it wrong? Maybe pretending to be normal isn't the worst thing, because then I won't lose touch of what its like to be "normal" and when I am better will be better able to quickly get back into the swing of things. ::Wishful Thinking::

Saturday I slept in. I woke up with a stuffy nose, sore throat, and what felt like a UTI. It was a reminder that yes, you're sick, and weak. My mum told me to stay in bed, but I knew she needed to go and pick up her car, so I took one for the team. We went to Starbucks to get me a frozen hot chocolate but it just wasn't the same. After we went and got her car we went and got our nails done. Or as they say in jersey... "Get our nails did." At least if I can't feel like a woman, I can feel girly. The Dallas vs. Arizona preseason football game was on and it was so nice to relax, get pampered and watch the game. It really is incredible how bad Dallas sucks, thank god its preseason for them, but even still, its doubtful they'll get any better. I mean really, FOUR turnovers in the first half. Poor Romo, should have stuck with golf. I just can't wait for the regular season to start and am stoked that if I have to be in the states, its at least during football season. *Haha only I talk about wanting to feel girly- and watching football in the same paragraph. Yup, I'm still me*

*Oh and for the record, one of my ALL TIME favorite tv shows starts Sept 4th. HOLLA to the LEAGUE.

Later that night my mum and I went for dinner with a really good childhood friend's mum and sister. I hadn't seen them since probably middle school. N, (my friend) is in San Fran and couldn't come but I got to facetime her. Her sis and I were talking about boobs and she was like

"You should see N's!"

I was like

"OMG REALLY? I'm totally going to ask her to show me on facetime!"

haha Oohhh how I haven't changed a bit. They got me the most gorgeous necklace. It's so me, and I'm already excited for another night out, so I can dress up and wear it. I've actually been spoiled this week, which has no lie, not sucked because next week will. We caught up on everything, our pets, families, old stories, new stories, TV. My mum brought up how she is like Penny from the Big Bang Theory because she works with some crazy intelligent people. She ended it perfectly with a story about her coworker from Bali.

"I was like OMG, next time you go to Bali (pronounced: Bah-Lee) I'm totally going with you."

I was like

"Ummm mum, do you mean Bali (prounounced Bawl-ee)?"

hhahaha I haven't been able to stop ripping on her. As my sister would say

"You're prettttty!"

On the car ride home, I pulled a total Courtney moment. While at dinner we obviously caught up on relationships past. I was showing them pictures on my phone, because... well lets just say some of their personalities made their physical descriptions much less appealing. While showing them my one ex, I accidentally clicked the "like" button on facebook for the pic. As we were in the car driving home I got a facebook notification

"S has liked your picture."

I clicked to see what picture and was like "OMFG!" It couldn't be a coincidence that she liked that EXACT picture that was over 3 years old just out of the blue. The SAME picture that I just so happened to be showing them tonight. I went into panic mode until another facebook notification came in.

"R has liked your pic."

At this point I knew I must have accidentally posted it to my wall or have done something. I instantly private messaged R and was like

"Hey.... (explained story)... So is it showing up in your newsfeed?"

She was like

"Yes, OMG I can unlike it, I just thought it was a pretty pic."

I was like no no, no worries. He was tagged in the picture so he was getting these notifications too. The damage had been done. Well, now he knows I was talking about him, or at least looking at our pics. ::Palm to head, again, shakes head:: Damn blonde moments.

We came home and I crawled into bed. I'm pooped. My friends have totally stepped up again this week. People, you totally wouldn't have expected. People checking in, people showing they care. When my psychologist pre screener asked me

"How are your support systems? Do you have a lot of social support?"

It was probably the only question I could answer with a resounding

"Absof***ing-lutely YES!"

I Can Feel It In My Bones

So Tuesday was a sucky day for me. I got some much needed sleep and then my mum and I got up super early to go and get my bone scan. I was freaking out, internally. I know of someone who is battling extremely rare cancer, undeservedly, and her spine broke from a tumor. This scares the crap out of me. My back is in excruciating pain, legit feels like a body builder has plopped his tush on there 24/7. So I was relieved to be getting the scan, nervous about the results.

We had to drive to Cooper Hospital in Camden. It's always an experience driving to Camden, I mean it has been rated the murder capitol of the USA how many times? Its weird though because the hospital is absolutely beautiful. We walked in and got our passes and headed to the unit. Before I can do the scan, I have to get injected with radioactive dye. It takes about two hours to absorb into my bones before we can do the scan.

We went to unit, met the nurse who was an absolute muffin. She was so nice. She shot me up with the dye and we were on our way. I had to drink as many fluids as I could to get it to move through my body so my mum and I headed to the cafe. I got the most amazing discovery in life, frozen hot chocolate. I legit have no words because heaven descended upon my lips the second I tasted it. I also got a gingerale and grapefruit juice.

As we were standing in the line of docs and nurses, a doc walked to the end of the line and I had to do a double take. He was stunningly gorgeous. He was tall with dark hair and these deep grey eyes. He was muscular but not like a bodybuilder but he wasn't so lean that he was too skinny. His navy blue scrubs hung just right and his jaw was just hot! I tried not to stare especially since I had rolled out of bed and thrown on lulu cropped leggings and my matchbox tee. As we were walking out, and I was continuing to try and not stare I realized OMG I recognized him. I assumed it was from one of my treatments but as we were out of the cafe it hit me.

"WE MET ON MATCH LAST YEAR AND HAD A DATE THAT I BAILED ON!"

Holy crap, he was way hotter in person. I bailed, because I knew I was moving back to Canada in a month and it wasn't worth it. I'm just going to bask in the moment because hot doc was even interested in me. I could have had my own McDreamy or McSteamy... ::Sighh::

So we went to the lobby were I proceeded to chug my drinks. We had two hours to kill. I blogged for a bit, this new wifi in hospitals thing is life changing! After I pounded my drinks faster than an underage frat boy, I laid on moms lap. I looked up at the art work on the walls and it was intriguing. There was a man and a woman. Clearly they had donated a crap load of money, but you would think with all that money, they could have paid for some upgrades in their portraits.

The man looked angry, manipulative and like he thrived on power. The woman looked sweet and tired, from dealing with this man. His background was harsh and black, and elicited a superior tone. Her's looked like a hallway. This erked the gender studies major in me.

Eventually I got bored of the artwork and fell asleep on mums lap. She woke me up and it was time for the scan. We headed back down and were ushered in. I don't know if it was the radioactive material, but I was so exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open.

The machine was big and white and loud and circular. My mum got to stay in the room with me which was nice, hence all the lovely pics. I laid down and the scan started. I couldn't see much because I was encapsulated in the machine but I was too tired to care. Plus I wasn't allowed to move.

I woke up about half way through and heard a voice. Dr. W had received my PET scan and could better diagnose me. He came to deliver the results to my mum. They were right on par with Dr. D. and this made me feel a lot better. To be honest, I think there was more that was said but I blanked.

I finished the scan and was allowed to go home. My mum got the car,(Hospitals have valet now, LOVE IT) and we went home. I went right to bed and was out cold. For the rest of the day.

Here's the good news. Bone Scan came back clean! I'll take my small victories where I can get them! :)

I was excited for the next few days. I was going to get to reunite with my mum's ex's daughters. They were like little sisters to me... except all grown up. I also had friends at the Havelock Jamboree, which was fun because they were sending me pics and vids. I've never been and totally would love to have gone, so it was nice to feel included. I had a few days left until my surgery, to just relax and I was damn well going to do just that.

$#!% Just Got Real (Part 2)

Here is the second part of Tuesday

We left Target and were off to Cooper. We had to get pre-admission bloodwork to check my clotting factors before my surgery the following Wednesday. I liked getting my blood work at Cooper, because there was never a wait (or at least one longer than 5 minutes) and they got me on the first stick. My veins are terrible. After all of the chemo and i.v.s and PIC lines and broviacs, they're just donezo.

(PIC Lines and Broviacs are temporarily permanent IV lines. They go directly into your major arteries to administer chemo and meds faster. My blood had a severe clotting problem when I was dealing with my leukemia, so I would have to have them replaced constantly. This wreaked havoc on my veins, they had to reroute themselves and became very superficial. Therefore very hard to draw blood on me. I eventually had a port coming out of my stomach, because the line went directly into the artery in my groin. Honestly, I can't remember any of the terms or names. LOVE my chemo brain.)

E, who is one of my favorite phlebotomist's smiled when she saw me and we got to chatting.

"Weren't you just here a few days ago? Why do you have to come in so often?"

I was like...

"Yup that was me, get used to seeing a lot more of me. I've been re-diagnosed with cancer."

We kept chatting and as she was aiming to insert the needle I thought to myself

"Yea, I'm always in here because you guys are the only ones that can get me on the first stick."

I didn't say it out loud though because I didn't want to jinx it. Sure enough, the vein paused and if we had waited the blood would have hemolyzed. (Had too much oxygen so the sample wouldn't be viable.) She had that look of dammit, the one you see on people's faces right as the cops lights start flashing behind you. I told her not to worry and to re-stick me. It wasn't worth risking a bad sample. So she switched to my left arm and I showed her the vein that my friend J who is a nurse pointed out to me at the concert while we were talking about my bad veins. It worked. While the blood was flowing, somehow it came up that I was from Canada and

"OH thats why I remember you. I couldn't place you at first but you're the super sweet one. I knew there was something different about you, and it's because you're so nice. Hows school going?"

That honestly never gets old to hear. I love how Canadians have that reputation and thats why I'm also so proud to be one. When I was little my dad and I got in a fight at our Canadian cottage because he had put the Canadian Flag above the American one. We had been living in the states my whole life, so I identified as American. I was probably 11 or 12 at this point. I got mad and was like

"DAD we should have the American one higher because we're better!"

My dad then said to me

"Hunny, Its always better to be Canadian! We're way better, and you should be proud and realize how lucky you are to be Canadian!"

I rebelled by claiming "American Woman" as my theme song by Lenny Kravitz for the next few summers. However, I'll always remember that story because of how strongly I appreciate being Canadian now. I just don't appreciate their health care. That's only because I'm privileged enough to have private insurance, but this is a whole other debate, seriously HEATED debate, from personal negative experiences. (Here's my old cottage which I desperately miss with the proper flag!)

Oh and this one: I made out of Molson Canadian Beer Labels. It was decorating my hospital room during my transplant.

So back to E, my phlebotomist. I told her

"School is good, and now that I'm here doing treatment instead of working my tush off, I'll have a lot more time to dedicate to it."

It was nice that she remembered

"You're going to be the big event planner right?"

I said

"Yes! Hopefully. I'm taking my International Certification in Event and Wedding Planning. So something along those lines."

She then finished filling the viles of blood and we were off to our appointment.

We went to the building next door and my mom knows EVERYONE here. She used to work in this building but they wouldn't hold her job when I had leukemia the first time. My treatment was being done in Toronto and she didn't leave my side. I needed her by my side. She also worked for a .... hmmm B!%@#. Its the consensus among the whole place, so I don't care who sees it, if they see it on here. After a couple brief hello's we went to the office. It was very nice. Once again, a lot of women over the age of 50. It was becoming apparent how rare this was for a 25 year old, because I still hadn't seen anyone even remotely close to my age. I guess that's also a good thing, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially someone close to my age.

We checked in and waited. The room was much hotter than the rest of the building. No body else seemed to mind but I was sweltering. I took off my sweater and scarf and still felt like an egg in a frying pan, sizzling away. The moments started to tick by. I was texting a friend back home about Camo lingerie and so I was at least amused.

"Hypothetically speaking, if you were to take me hunting, could I wear hot pink instead of Orange. Its just not my color"

His response was pretty good

"HAHAHAHA well not if you wanna obey the law lol. But it sounds kind of hot lol."

So I was at least amused in the office because this convo escalated into camo clothing options. The time was passing so slowly and I was getting extremely nauseous. My back was in pain but I just tried to ignore it. My mum finally said

"Courtney, just take the perc."

As I usually say when I do

"Ok fine, I guess its time for the percolator."

The clock continued to tick and as in true NJ fashion, we had to listen to some Jersey lady B!%(#ing about something. Another lady and her perfect weave had fallen asleep, and we were stuck with a god awful soap opera. A lady came around with her snack cart and I think I fell in love. She had the peanut butter crackers and I was sold. I was starting to feel ten times better. I had no idea that the pain in my back was so bad that it was manifesting as nausea and heat. About an hour had passed of waiting and my mum finally piped in. The doc was running late but on a positive note, it was because he was thorough and didn't rush us out.

Finally after the waiting room was almost empty it was my turn. I went in and got weighed and all my vitals done. I then went back out to the waiting room to wait AGAIN for the actual doctor. At least we were in Voorhees though and not in the city so we didn't have to worry about getting caught in Philly traffic. We finally got to head back to an exam room. I was told to

"I know I know, undress from the waist down and throw the orange sheet over my lady bits."

I had been through this a time or two. I kind of missed the oven mitts though. So, I undressed, crawled up, and waited.

Dr. W came in and looked so nice, but was very quiet and reserved. He reminded me a lot of one of my docs from CHOP. He went over my history and then did a pelvic exam.

"I've gotten more action this week then I have in the past year!"

This poor doc was clearly not one used to dealing with the likes of me. The pelvic was a longer process than expected but he was very thorough. He estimated that it was Stage 2B, and to determine if it hit stage 3, further testing would need to be done. Once again I was anally assaulted but it just gets to a point where nothing surprises you anymore. He said the cancer was mainly on my left side, I already knew this though. I could feel it, it was my body after all. Pelvics are so awkward, the doc stands there with his gloves on while a nurse loads him up with lube. I'm sure its like something a little more technical, but it basically does the same thing. Anyway...

He finished, and told me I could get dressed and we headed to his office. At this point in the day, I was EXHAUSTED. I hadn't been to sleep since 7ish the night before and had been at doctors offices all day.

In his office he talked about my lower back pain. He explained how because the pain was localized to one spot, that it is worry some and we should get a bone scan because its not something we should just pump pain meds into and ignore. That is was possible the PET scan missed something and there could be a metastasis or tumor there as well and it would be wise to rule it out. This was punch in the gut number one. It got scheduled for the next day.

The part that killed me was his explanation. My other docs had explained what was going on, but Dr. W really explained. He drew diagrams and really emphasized how serious this was. I was no longer concerned about my future sex life, because I wouldn't be able to have one if I wasn't alive. He went over where they will radiate but how the radiation could cause complications in my bone marrow maybe sparking my leukemia as well as other complications. This was gut punch number two. He went over risks and possibilities.

Something about his explanation hit me. $#!% just got real. I realized, for the first time that this was serious. This wasn't about me being funny on a blog. This wasn't about YAY I get to go back to the states and spend time with my mum and sis who I was missing. This wasn't about F#@%, this is screwing up my jobs, my school, my internship, my job interview and my personal training. This was OMG, I'm fighting for my life. Again.

I needed a minute and stepped out of the office and went out into the atrium. We were on the second floor and I leaned over the wooden balcony and looked over the building. Tears flooded my eyes, and this was something I just couldn't handle because normally I get quiet when I'm upset but I wasn't upset, I was scared. Really scared.

Emotions I recognized from battles past, "This is going to hurt", "there could potentially be complications and knowing me and my history, most likely." "I'm going to have to figure out how to put my OSAP on hold and my bills, what about the life I left behind, I can't work." Fear, Anxiety, Stress all balled into one flowed from my eyes like a creek in the middle of forest. As busy as the hospital was, I was there alone on that balcony. Fighting with my emotions, wanting them to disappear. Wishing for my blonde shield to protect me with a smile. Dr. W came out and broke me out of my own little world, he tapped me on the shoulder in the loving "I'm so sorry to bother you but I didn't want to just leave on bad terms kind of way." It was endearing, he told me "If you need anything please call me."

My mum and I went to the downstairs floor where we started making calls. We had so many questions. We got home and I called my best friend K. By this point, I had reverted back to being stoic and avoiding my emotions with humor. She calmed me down though. I talked it out with her and ended up laughing. All I wanted to do was sleep. My other friend H texted me "I am so sorry to hear this babe. I know it is essentially the exact opposite of what you wanted to hear. Please know that I love you, am thinking about you, and would do anything for you. All we can do is take this one step at a time. A second opinion is just that until tests come back." She was the voice of reason in a parade of screams.

The rest of that night was a blur, I talked to my dad, and fell asleep. I woke up and went downstairs a few hours later to get some food. My mum was just about to jump in the shower but heard me and came down. I made a salad and when I went to get the cheese saw it was moldy. I was crushed. I was exhausted and hungry and wanted this specific salad. I had gotten something like it at Jimmy Guacos in Peterborough and was craving it. For some reason all I have wanted the last few days has been salsa. Not store bought, in a jar crappy stuff, but the real stuff. My mum and I hopped in the car, went to wawa, got my cheese and came back and it was delicious. Chopped lettuce, guacamole, salsa, grilled chicken, black olives, pico de gallo, sour cream, chedder cheese, and lots of green hot sauce. It was delicious, exactly what I wanted. I came back up to bed, and my mum could tell my stress level was through the roof. I took a Xanax and was out. We had to be up super early for my bone scan the next day.

It's not the results that are stressing me out, its the not knowing. I just want to get started with treatment. I'm sick and tired of hearing "We need more information" or "We need to do more tests" and then having to wait for them. Once we have a game plan and know what we're dealing with I'll be ok. My biopsy on the lymph nodes is next wednesday so 6 days away. I'm hoping in 8 days I'll know. I'll know what kind of radiation we're doing, where we're doing it on my body, and at what hospital. I'll be able to research the side effects to know what to expect and then I'll be ready for chemo. We're close but not there yet. I had a moment of weakness but I'm back. I'm ready to do this.

I crawled in bed, and grabbed Dex. I was out.

$#!% just got real (Part One)

So yesterday (Tuesday) started out as a typical, hilarious morning.

We woke up at 6, well "woke up" isn't exactly the right word, I hadn't been to bed the night before. I needed a nap on Monday and slept till about 7. "Well what do you do up all night"- you ask? Good question. I read, I blog, I enjoy the peace and quiet and if I'm really lucky, I skype ;)

So, I got up, actually put on what Natalie described as my "socialite" outfit, complete with a long green and white maxi skirt, white lulu tank (because anyone who knows me, knows I live, legit LIVE in lulu lemon), white cardigan and my pride and joy Kitson scarf from LA. We hit Duncan Donuts (I miss Tim Hortons so bad its not even funny) and then we were on our way. Thinking back on my outfit, I said to my mum:

"I always wear white when it rains, like always and not on purpose! Its almost as if Mother Nature is telling me to be in a wet T-shirt contest."

It was going to be one of those days....

We left an hour early just to be safe with rush hour traffic (even though it really only should have taken us about 30-45min.) We got about 15 minutes out and then the heavens opened from above and cried their eyes out. It was a torrential freaking downpour. I'm not talking about a little rain, I'm not even talking about a lot of rain, I'm talking about so much damn rain that you could have gone swimming on the high way. The traffic was INSANE. What should have been a quick trip to Lankenau Hospital in Philly turned into a two hour adventure. I could have gotten to Scranton PA in two hours under normal circumstances. The puddles were so large on the highway, we were worried our car wouldn't get through them. Some of the cars next to us almost didn't. The radio and news stations were forbidding people from driving through the puddles because cars were getting swept away and causing accidents. They were shutting down highways left and center but we were on a mission to get to my docs, and although it took us two hours, we damn well got there, and had some fun in the car too!

Mom mom was on a roll. I now know where I get this whole thinking I'm hilarious thing from because she thinks shes hilarious too. The actual difference, is she actually is. Thank goodness too, because in these stressful times, its nice to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine after all. Some of her zingers... I can't even remember the complete context behind them (damn you chemo brain.)

"Well this is new, taking an arc to get to the hospital, should have worn my water wings."

She'll kill me for this next one but it was so funny, I almost peed. I feel like a lot of the things I think are hysterical are those "You have to be there to get the full effect kind of stuff". So she says...

"So all I'm thinking about right now is 2 girls and a cup."

...Oh no where was this going?

"Ummm mom, do I even want to know?"

I was getting a little nervous.

"Well I have to poop! Theres a cup, and we're two girls. Courtney, I NEED to have an evacuation."

HAHAHAHA

"Mom that is wrong on so many levels, and have you even seen that video, I haven't and don't want too, let alone recreate it."

I love how open our family is. When it comes to poop, well I am asked every day by doctors about my BM's (Bowl Movements.) Its something you get used too, REAL fast!

So our family, super open, about everything. I mean I had a friend text me yesterday and ask about my previous blog post,

"Do you let your dad read your Rated R blogs?"

I was like Absolutely. My dad wasn't born yesterday, he knows I'm going to have sex. I am a 25 year old girl, there is nothing wrong with it. There was recently an article written by a father entitled:

"Dad Writes Open Letter To His Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex."

I think this is one of the most excellent reads I have read in a long time. Now don't get me wrong, I love scaring the $#!% out of new boyfriends by having an intimidating father, but deep down, he's a huge teddy bear.

(Note to future suitors: Mess with me and he will beat you with a hockey stick and he has a mean slap shot! Don't give him a reason too, and you'll actually have a new best friend!)

The point is, as clearly evidenced by my blog, I don't have a filter, but I don't want to have too with my family. Especially my family. I have always really appreciated the fact that I can go to my mom or dad with anything. Obviously some things I prefer talking to my mother about, but I know if I didn't have her, I could talk to my dad too. Boyfriends have asked me in the past

"You didn't tell your parents about this/that did you?"

My response is always,

"Assume they know."

Odds are they will, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So back to our trip to the hospital, I guess I kinda tend to do the whole running off on tangents thing, oh well. We finally arrived, and our agenda for the day included a consultation with an interventional radiologist, and to meet my Radiation doctor. Then a second opinion with an Ob/GYN Oncologist at Cooper Hospital, in Voorhees which is right next to my house, so would be super convenient.

We went to the I.R. apt first, we were so late from the tsunami that they switched our appointments around. I love how accommodating and friendly Lankenau is. As we're sitting in the waiting my room, my mum was like, you should probably get your insurance card and license ready. I looked down into my bag, and then back up to my mum like a child does when they've been caught coloring on the walls, she looked at me and said:

"Whats wrong?"

To which I stammered:

"Um so I left my other wallet, the important one with the important stuff at home because it was the wristlet I used for the concert and this is my Canadian wallet, but I have toonies!"

My mum laughed and was like

"well, do you have any photo id?"

My purse was jammed fuller than a hot dog eating contest winner in booty shorts, I had to have something. I started riffling through my wallet and started naming things I had. I sounded like that Sunny D commercial, you know the one that's like

"'Hey man what do you have?' 'Well we've got some oj, some purple stuff, OH YES SUNNY D!"

But I digress, my list went a little more like

"Ummm so I've got my Mac Pro Make Up artist license, no photo, my bartending certification, no photo, OH my boaters license!"

To which my mom responded,

"Well that would have come in handy this morning driving the arc? I feel a lot better knowing you have that when we go back out there."

I don't know why but I was dying laughing. She was on a roll today. Eventually I found my Queen's U student id.

"Eh, this will do."

Long story short, they believed it was me and we got in. I make it sound like Lankenau is this hot new club and I'm underage, it's not.

We got into the consultation room which was really boring. Something about it bugged me. I just didn't like the feeling I got from it. I'm very OCD and little things bug me, but the doc's had pics of themselves framed on the walls in articles. It was different though, the Cooper docs, have their

"SJ's BEST Doc ::insert field here:: of ::insert year here::"

, but those are accomplishments. These just seemed staged. There was an empty brochure holder on the wall with the Staples: Office Depot sticker on it. My OCD was raging over this and it took everything in my body to not take the sticker off. I instead opted for putting a random brochure in it, one which ironically enough was from my mom's company's competitor, we don't like them. The Physicians Assistant came in to talk to us and let us know the doc wouldn't be joining us. This was weird, this man is supposed to be performing a surgical procedure on me and I wasn't going to meet him until the day of, this erked me. She explained that the point of the procedure was to biopsy the lymph nodes that appeared cancerous on my PET scan, however this was extremely difficult and dangerous because of their location. The original surgeon who was supposed to do the surgery turned it down, because he didn't think he would be successful. Dr.B who is also the chief of the I.R. dept, said he thought he could.

"So he's basically like the Mc.Dreamy of you all, not in his looks but the fact that he can do the impossible."

Great, something about this just did not excite me. We booked our appointment and left for our next, but I'm just so over surgery. Especially knowing that I'm only receiving sedation and not full anesthesia.

We then headed to the radiation/chemo dept. where I would be receiving my radiation. We went to the waiting room and once again: visual overload. There was a horse. Yes a horse, no I was not on meds. It was a full size paper mache, painted white and pink with breast cancer ribbons, quotes and rhinestones all over it. I had the sudden urge to climb it and ride it, it was beckoning to me. We sat down, and there was a pen on one of the chairs across from me. One lonely pen, sitting all by itself. A. my OCD was being driven insane but B. it was a metaphor for the people that have to come to these appointments alone. It made me really sad, and so appreciative that my mum was there, poop jokes and all. The paintings were driving me nuts too. I know that they are usually donated to these units but come on, lets pick a theme people. There was a cottagy one with flowers, another that looked like an Italian scene and then a wannabe Monet. It was visual overload, including the horse.

I had to fill out some paper work while waiting. I probably get asked the same questions, by every doctor, nurse, P.A., Nurse Practitioner, and tech, 1000 times a week. So I've managed to simplify some of my answers.

"Why are you here?"

Well....

"To fix my $#!%."

If I'm feeling a little classier I'll respond with

"To fix my pooter."

Considering its very rare for someone my age to be dealing with this, like VERY rare, they usually don't know how to handle me, and by me I mean my personality. I love it when they just laugh. So, this was a step up for me, responding so honestly on paperwork. Question:

"What do you expect radiation/chemotherapy to do for you?"

.... Hmmmmm well

"Cure my $#!%."

Obviously, thats kind of a dumb question. Next Question:

"Is there anything else you would like to say?"

This was a new one, but the amount of things I would like to say are endless.... so I just put the link to my blog.

My mum was reading the biography on the doc while I was filling out the paperwork.

"OOOh he's an Eagles Fan, A seasons ticket holder."

Well at least we like the same football team.

"Note to self mom, we're not coming in on Mondays."

She laughed and then said,

"Oh how nice, he coaches his son and daughter's sotfball teams."

I started laughing and responded with

"I'll be he doesn't get thrown out of them for throwing softballs at the ref."

::Backstory:: My mum coached my softball team in kindergarten when we lived in LA. She was slightly competitive so during one of our championship games, she might have gotten a little heated over a bad call. She got so mad she threw a softball at the ref and was thrown out of the game. Luckily my soccer coach at the time was there and she took over, but I'll never forget it.

It was the exact moment I knew I had the BEST mom of all time. I mean she would go to war over anything for me, and that was exactly what I needed right now.


We met the doc (Dr. D2 as I'll call him because my OB/GYN oncologist is Dr.D)

"How fitting, You have the double D's treating you."

haha my mum really was on a roll today. Dr.D2 explained a lot of what I already knew. He talked about vaginal dilators and told me I had an 80% chance of being able to have sex again after this. I was like

"WOAH DOC, hold up. A. a vaginal dilator is a fancy name for a vibrator right? and B. 80%, what about the other 20%."

This was when my day started to go down hill. We talked some more and I wasn't feeling as funny and vibrant. When I'm upset I get quiet. I don't want to cry, I don't want to yell, and I sure as hell don't want to talk. I want to retreat into my blonde safety net and hide.

I went to do my scan and met two of the "therapists" as they call themselves. They were super sweet. I really did like the staff in this department. My mom instantly favored D, one of the RN's because A. she had great lips and B. was shit szu obsessed. I went in for the scan and the girls explained how I was going to be getting tattoos. I was like

"I'm sorry WHAT?, Today? Are you sure?"

I really should have taken a xanax. The tats were so that when they did the scan, they could line it up exactly the same way each time. I once had a really good guy friend tell me,

"Don't get a tattoo, the fact that you don't have any is what makes you different and I really like that about you, its sexy and pure."

Every time I've almost caved and gotten one, that comment has stuck in my head. So I finished the scan and it was tat time. They are three dots, which actually look like nothing more than a freckle. One on each of my hips and one on my gunt. (No thats not a typo, its my gut above my C***, the female version of a gut). They placed the ink on my skin and then pricked it with a needle, not even a tattoo gun. Isn't this just dandy, my first tattoo, and its done like a jailhouse inmate, in the most un bad@$$ of places, a doctors office. How me.

When we finished we were off. I was starving and really nauseous. We headed back into Jersey and luckily had no traffic. We went to Panera's, because Tuesdays are my fav day for their cream of chicken and wild rice soup with greek salad. It was so yum. We then went to target to kill some time before we headed to our next apt. I knew if I went home before the next appointment, I would be out cold. I was getting exhausted, mentally. If you had have asked me at this point in the day I would have said, its been great. Little did I know what was about to come....

I guess now that I have a tattoo, I might as well get the one I want. .... here it is.