Things To NEVER Say To A Person With Cancer...

I recently came across an article about things to never say to a person with cancer. There really is no guidebook about how to help a person you care about when they get sick. Its like raising children, bajillions have done it successfully but there is no book or really "right" way to do it. Well it's the same with Cancer, and when it happens to a loved one, learning how to support them cannot come from a manual and there is no "right way." There are so many things to consider; the person, the illness, the prognosis, the side effects, the treatment. Its a never ending list. I've had a lot of people ask me what to say to someone they know, or say things to me. I've been through this enough times to understand that if someone is taking the time to say anything at all to me, then they have good intentions and I hold on to that and don't let their words phase me. However, someone who is new to this may not be able too and not that it matters but here's my two cents.

On the list the first thing to never say is: #1 Everything is going to be alright. I agree because it is true that you do not know what is going to happen and you cannot guarantee that everything will be alright. As a patient, although it's comforting to hear, you're thinking in the back of your head

"You don't know that."

If you voice that to said supporter, they will usually reply with

"Stop thinking negatively."

Well there is a difference between being negative and realistic and sometimes it's comforting to talk about what scares you as a patient. The problem, it's hard for you as the supporter to hear it, what scares your loved one and what could inevitably prove to be true. As a patient I have on more than enough occasions had to be the "strong one" for my loved ones.

However, you need to realize you are not the one dealing with a life threatening situation and although this is difficult for you, you are only fighting one fear, fear of losing your loved one. The patient is fighting fear on a whole other level. Fear of; leaving you, fighting the disease that causes the fear, fighting the real negativity clouding your brain, fighting the side effects and fighting the urge to quit. So although you don't want to hear about what the patient is afraid of, you need to sit down, sit up, shut up and listen. Instead of

"Everything is going to be alright"

maybe try something like

"Yes all those things could happen, but they also could not. We're in this together and we have a strong medical team who knows what they're doing, so lets focus on what should and inevitably will go right."

This isn't on the list but this is a big one for me personally. Showing your doubts with your loved ones medical team. This is why. Everyone hates needles, if you don't, ok whatever you're weird. There have been times where I have had a nurse go to give me an iv and miss. They've had to re stick me, and there is nothing worse than your support system rolling their eyes in the corner right after the nurse misses the first vein and is gearing up for the second. The first stick hurt, the second stick will hurt too. If the nurse sees you rolling your eye's, it's going to make them more nervous that they'll fail again, and therefore more likely to mess up again. Instead of judging the nurse, accept that people are human and make mistakes. Maybe I was a really tough stick that day? Come hold my hand and breath through the pain of needle number two with me. Don't put down my medical team, these are the people responsible for saving my life and when you doubt them, I will doubt them, and then I will worry about the outcome of the treatment. I need to have faith in them. This goes for doctors, social workers, nurses, anyone who is trying to help your person through their treatment.

Now granted there are legitimate mistakes that sometimes family members need to stand up and say something, but make sure its a legitimate concern. Don't put doubt in the patients mind. If you really need to voice some concerns, do it with the doc in private. It's hard enough having faith in yourself to find the strength to fight this battle, but when you doubt the people who are spearheading your treatment, you can lose all resolve. Don't be the reason we need to waste extra energy to feel confident about what is being done to keep us alive.

#2 "I Know How You Feel." Do you? DO you know what it is like to be told "You have cancer?" Do you know what it is like to lose control of your life, not because of mistakes or choices you made but for something completely out of your control. Even if you have had a type of cancer, odds are your circumstances were completely different. Your response to medications, side effects and their severity. Chemo's used, radiations, risk factors. No two cases are exactly alike. I personally have been in the 0.01% range on more than one, heck more than 5 occasions.

"This has actually never happened before? No this can't be right, this only happens to less than 1%. etc. etc. etc."

The rule of thumb with me was if there is a 0.01% chance of a side effect, plan on me being that 0.01. For example, I couldn't metabolize methotrexate or 6MP, two very common oral chemo meds. I developed GVHD (Graph vs. Host disease [where your body rejects your bone marrow]) not on my skin like the majority of cases but internally. You will never know how another person feels about anything, because you are not that person. Whether it relates to cancer or not.

The only other thing I can say about this is, it takes away from the significance of the situation. The significance it has on the patients life. When someone tells me, they know how I feel, it makes me feel like, I'm over reacting and shouldn't be as upset about it as I am. It equates it with the feeling of

"well it happens to lots of people, so why am I significant. Why should anyone care?"

To show you care say something along the lines of

"I will never be able to understand what you are feeling, but if you want to talk about it, I am here to listen."

Or simply

"How are you holding up?"

If it's me, I usually respond with

"I'm ok,"

but I'm always grateful you asked. Even if I'm thinking,

"How the hell do you think I'm holding up? I'm pissed off and feeling like crap."

It really depends on the day.

To expand on that, the best questions I get asked are

"Do you have treatment today?" "Whats involved?"

Questions that make me feel like you not only care, but are genuinely trying to understand what I'm going through.

#3 "Try to keep a positive attitude, relax and avoid stress. It can help you heal." This one entirely depends on how its worded. With me, I constantly need people to remind me it's ok to take a break and take the time to heal. I want to jump back into work. I want to be doing something and I don't want to be missing out on life. However, I do need to take a step back and let my body heal. With that being said, when people tell me to eliminate stress from my life, I want to scream. Essentially telling someone that something in their life is stressing them out and stress causes illness means that they are doing something wrong and are to blame for their illness. Also don't tell me to stay positive, it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to feel upset for what has happened to me. If I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset, then I will shut down, shut you out and wont talk about it, therefore causing me more stress.

Someone once asked me if stress from the treatment was contributing to my hair loss and if I could just relax it wouldn't be as severe. Well, no, it was not stress, it was a side effect from the chemo. However, by saying this, I shut that person out and did not vent to them about what was indeed stressing me out anymore because they had single handedly added themselves to that list of stressors. I completely agree with the article in how to handle this. If you see a source of unease or stress, ask what you can do to help. For me, my bosses just kept reminding me jobs were waiting for me. For others it could be

"Is there anything I can do to give you some more you time?"

It doesn't suggest that there is a stressor but it gives you an opportunity to help. Also feel free to just help, because if the patient is like me, they wont ask for it. Feeling like a burden really makes this situation unbearable, because not only are we in disarray but we're causing it for others.

#4 "We can beat this." The article and I have very different interpretations on this one. For me, I like hearing it. I like knowing I'm not alone and have a strong support system. On the other hand, I can also feel like

"We, there is no we, I'm the one with the disease."

You don't want to say

"You can beat this,"

because that goes back to point number one. The way this should be worded (because its all about the wording) is

"If anyone can beat this, its you!"

That implies you have a positive attitude, you can overcome adversity in your life and it's not concrete. Cheerleaders can be annoying, I know this because I was one, so don't be a peppy cheerleader, be a cheerleader who can also be a listener.

#5 "Now Now Don't get yourself worked up." If someone said this to me I would punch them in the face, at least in my mind. You have no right to tell me I cannot get upset, or be angry, or feel pain. NO RIGHT! You are making me feel like a burden with this comment and I already feel like not only has my life been ruined but I'm affecting yours too, so thanks for confirming it. This should be an obvious one but I really do feel that common sense is a rare commodity these days. You're supposed to be a shoulder to cry on, not the nail in the emotional coffin. When you say this, you're basically saying,

"You're over reacting, its not that bad, I could handle it."

Well, then go ahead, take my place, and oh well you're at it, this is me no longer confiding in you, opening up to you and therefore causing more stress for myself by holding in my feelings. Job well done, support system. -_-

If you have nothing to say other than the above and can't manage something along the lines of

"Its completely ok to be upset, Its ok to cry, it's ok to be angry"

then you have no right to be someone's support system and you need to evaluate your lack of empathy. No seriously, you are probably the type of person who drowns puppies and puts anthrax in the mail. Ok maybe not that bad, but you get my point. If you really don't know what to say, and I get it, I've had people who have had no clue, and there's been times where I've had no clue, just give me a hug, hold my hand or send me a heart emicon. That will suffice.

#6 "Congratulations! You're done with chemo/ radiation or both." This is hard for both parties. You're excited they're done treatment. They're excited they're done treatment, but something about this is hard to hear. When I was done, I got a ton of well wishes and was grateful for every single one. People kept asking me how I was going to celebrate, when really all I wanted to do was sleep. I know I should have been just as excited, I know I should have been MORE excited but something inside me wasn't ready. Just because you're done treatment, doesn't mean you're done. I finished over two maybe three weeks ago, but I'm still recovering. I'm also still waiting for results. For me, I prefer to celebrate good results than the end of treatment. Yes I'm excited but it doesn't mean anything. Until I hear, you are cancer free, I have nothing to be excited about. This is an easy one, say something along the lines of

"How do you feel now that you're finished treatment?"

I can almost guarantee the results will be the same: anxious, nervous and relieved.

So for anyone wondering the age old question of what to say or ask, pretend you're on a date. Tread carefully. Just because it's your mother, sister, boyfriend, daughter, lover, boss, best friend, whatever, they're experiencing a life altering event and what you say can really have a strong effect. Don't be afraid to ask questions, and if you're not sure, a good place to start is,

"I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but I don't know and I'm trying to understand, is it ok if I ask...(insert question here)?"

Also, with all of this said, none of this was directed at anyone specifically. Odds are I've told you if you've said something to bother me so don't think a story is about you. You will know if it was you I was referencing, I would have told you.

One last note:

Any support is better than none at all. If you're going to support someone, never make them feel like a burden, because trust me, they're feeling it already and you validating that will only make them feel worse. Just let them know they're not alone.

It Hasn't Hit Me Yet, But Still 2 Tests To Get

"All visible signs of Cancer are gone... "

But... I still have two tests left. This was the first very big hurdle though, and I am very confident the tests are going to come back amazing. I just wanted to clarify for those who were unsure, and asking me. Yes you can't see any cancer, its unlikely but it doesn't mean it's not there, so we have two tests left to confirm the already amazing news. The odds are- Ever in my favor! (Hunger Games... haha get it? No... Ok moving on.)

There is nothing that makes you want to be as healthy as you can be than seeing other people living their lives to the fullest. It makes you want to be living your life too! Me- well I get great news and the response is usually the same, overwhelming.

"Courtney, You have no visible signs of cancer! What are you going to do now?"

I almost always reply to good news...

"Umm I'm going to sleep."

My theory is that it takes me a while to let something sink in. I overwhelm myself trying to get it to sink in. Ok, my recent news hasn't sunk in yet.

I don't think this news has sunk in because I still have two tests left. I've just gotten over the first MAJOR hurdle. I still have a PET scan and a PCR test. A PCR is a blood test used to detect whether my leukemia is back. It stands for "Polymerase Chain Reaction". Basically it is a genetic test to make sure my genes have not translocated. In English: when genes 15 and 17 switch places, its called translocation and it means my leukemia is back. Your genes should be 13.14.15.16.17.18.19.etc. etc. but when I have leumkemia or APML specifically, mine would be ordered 13.14.17.16.15.18.19.- the indicator for AML type 3. So with out the science lesson, we want them to come back in order with no hint of leukemia. (I understand this like the back of my hand but couldn't take and handle a science class if my life depended on it. Typical.)

The PET scan, well that uses radioactive dyes to detect abnormalities in the cells. We need that to come back with positive results too.

When both of those things happen I'm in the clear, officially. I have no doubt they will come back fine. I'm tired, and still feeling slightly off but I'm recovering from toxic chemotherapy and high doses of radiation where I was microwaved. A little recovery time is pretty much necessary.

The support has been so overwhelming and amazing! I can't even believe that I'm only 106 views shy of 42,000 since I started this journey 3.5 months ago. The skype dates, the emails, the letters and cards, the texts, calls and bbms, the care packages, the visits, the events, the facebook posts and messages. They've been my rock. They are what keep me positive and excited and in a weird way, safe. If I've forgotten to respond to some, I promise its the chemo brain. It really hates me. But I've gotten the well wishes and am soooo grateful!

I have 4 weeks left in New Jersey. I have people I want to see while I'm down here and things I want to do before I go home. So there may be some fun posts to come, sort of like in the beginning. No alcohol involved yet because my body is still in recovery mode. (I'm still craving that Extra dirty kettle one martini with extra olives, or a Ceasar, or frozen margarita. HMMMM yum).

I'm going out with one of my girlfriends this weekend- we're going to paint pottery because I'm such a bad@$$. I'm so excited I can't even handle it.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire next week with mom and the seestor and Jakk attack! (I actually may reread the first two books one more time before we go because I've already forgotten. Chemo brain is really coming at me with a vengeance.)

Hopefully I'll get to one more Eagles game, preferably one where we win because I'm starting to think I'm bad luck and would like to feel good juju vibes.

Oh and I'm absolutely going to try and go to some yoga. Yesterday morning, because I hadn't slept all night, I thought about going to the morning class. Keywords: thought. about. it. I even looked at the schedules. Baby steps. Who knows, next time I might get dressed and the time after that may even think about it, get dressed and then actually go!

So first things first on the normalcy agenda: stop being a night owl. Clearly I'm so excited to get back to work at the bars that I'm already on the sleep schedule required for working at them.

Then once I'm awake during the day, school work. I've started a little bit.

Yay! Just good things to come! I can feel it!

4 Weeks. 4 Weeks. 4 Weeks.

And So It Begins.... Radiation Day 1

If you had have asked me what I expected from today when I woke up, it would be completely different from how my day ended up. (Tuesday August 27)

We had our appointment at Lankenau hospital today to just get more information on the radiation. I was scheduled to start radiation, but after our appointment at Cooper, we weren't so sure. We went into the appointment armed with a little more knowledge about the whole process and wanted to see what was different between the two hospitals and why one was better than the other.

Once in the appointment, Dr. D2 started going over everything again. It turned out, his treatment plan was almost identical to Coopers. Cooper had just gone into a lot more detail when describing (which I hate) and that's why I felt like they were completely different. Dr. D2 had a confidence about him. He knew what he needed to do and didn't want to waste time. I wouldn't be able to start with Cooper for another week. I WOULD be able to start today with him. He got up, left the room to give my mum and I a chance to decide, and my mom and I agreed, Lankenau it is. I don't want to wait any longer. Dr. D2 said it himself, my cancer was metastatic meaning it spreads and if we don't get it under control sooner than later who knows where else it will spread too and how treatable that will be.

I didn't care anymore. I like Cooper's facilities better, but I like my doctors at Lankenau better. My decision was made. Lankenau also brought up one more point that for me was a big deal. They were NOT going to do the surgery. They said there was only a 7% false positive rate that my lymph nodes were faking being cancerous. They were just going to assume they are. The robotic surgery is risky. Its dangerous. There will be scars, and I already have enough, hence why I hate bikini season.

The other thing I liked about Dr. D2, he said this one sentence which made me feel a lot better.

"You're only 25, you're young, I'm treating to cure so I'm going to be aggressive. To give you the best quality of life."

That sentence made me feel like he knows that there is no point in curing if there is no life to live after. It sounds morbid, but its true. That instilled the confidence in me to say lets just do this. I feel like I've been waiting around for Cooper and I don't have time to wait. My life is waiting for me.

I miss my friends. I miss work. GOODNESS GOLLY do I miss work. I miss my customers, my regulars, my coworkers who are my friends, I miss my bosses, even the crazy ones. I miss my gym, I miss my hometown which can honestly be insanely annoyingly small at times but I don't even care anymore. We got a FroYo place, so obviously they're moving up in the world. I want to move on and start by getting home. I'm not even upset I'm going home to the crazyness that ensues when you put your life on hold, "like crap will my car work, prob not." Dealing with OSAP and phone bills and all this stuff you try to put on hold. Its just a pain, but I don't even care. I can't even wait.

So I started radiation. I walked over with the techs and they compared me with my picture that they took on the first day I met them. (Yup, because everybody wants to be getting radiation these days, its all the rage.) I went into the room, and there was a huge machine on the table. All I keep thinking about when I think about it, is the villain from Spiderman, Dr. Octopus. The machine had these long arm like things that went around your body to take pictures (xrays before the radiation) and it was so creepy. I wasn't allowed to move. Every time the radiation beam would fire, these 5 lights which resembled Emergency Exit signs lit up with a beeping nose. My heart jumped each time.

*This is an advertisement for the machine. It's similar but not even close.

I was afraid to move even the slightest movement. I was scared at first, because how was I supposed to know how this was supposed to feel. I could feel tears welling up, and could just picture them about to roll down my cheeks but then my mindset changed. The cancer is on the left side of my pelvis and I just pictured my cancer clinging on for dear life as this machine zapped its brains out. I pictured it shrinking, disappearing. By the time I knew it, it was over. The techs came back in and told me they had to give me another tattoo. Great. That was it, it was done. I felt weird.

People keep asking me

"How do you feel?"

I don't know how I feel. I feel weird. Somethings off. I can feel the cancer, as weird as that sounds. Its on my left side and it feels like there is this cramp like sensation there. Its not tingly and its not crampy its just awkward feeling there. It feels like if I laugh too hard or loud or move the wrong way it could burst. I feel like I constantly have to pee and like I did a really intense ab workout. There's this burn sensation but not. It's just not something you can describe. I'm tired and just weirded out.

We start chemo tomorrow. Between the two, I'm probably going to be feeling like $#!%. I'm angry at the people who assumed,

"Oh this will be a piece of cake."

No, its not. It sucks and let me feel like it sucks. Stop trying to tell me not to get mad or telling me to stop pitying myself because I'm allowed to be angry and upset. I can be the most positive person in the world, because I am, I know I'm going to beat this, but I can and am allowed to hurt, and cry and be pissed the **** off sometimes.

There's nothing worse then when people try to tell you,

"Well maybe you should go do this"

, or

"maybe doing something will help."

Well you know what, maybe laying in my bed, doing nothing or reading and taking my mind off the situation will help too.
I had a person after chemo say

"Well I think it would be good for you to get out of the house, see a movie and take your mind off things."

I felt like I wanted all day to die, stop pressuring. Odds are I want to see you, I usually do, but unfortunately it has to be on my time right now. How I am going to be feeling is unpredictable, Don't take it personal.

The hardest part about dealing with any type of cancer is people not being able to relate to the situation and thinking they understand completely. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. No matter how close you are to someone who has gone through it. I can't even relate to people that have gone through it because everyone's situation is different. Its a really lonely feeling.

The best thing people have done for me to help me get through, is to take my mind off of it. The last time I was in transplant, Twilight was just about to come out. I became obsessed, with everything Twilight. I read the books in 5 days, I went and saw the movie 13 times (I was in isolation and the only thing I was allowed to do out of the house was go to matinee movies.) It was the best distraction. Go ahead, ask me questions to understand, don't ever assume. I don't mind answering questions, it helps me to know that you're at least trying to understand. That you care. Some times, I'm not going to want to talk about it and some days I would LOVE to vent. This is where support becomes a fine line. I had a person wish me luck for radiation yesterday. After I said thanks he asked

"When will you get the results?"

haha I giggled and laughed but thought it was adorable.

"Its not a test, its a treatment so there wont be results."

I appreciated he asked, I appreciated he cared and don't expect him to know whats going on and that is 100% ok.

It sounds like I'm really ungrateful for a lot of the support I've received. I'm not, I'm so blessed. But I also know this situation is similar to a funeral... You don't know what to say. Its ok to not know what to say, whats not ok is to assume you know whats best. Aid in helping someone deal, don't tell them how to deal with their life altering situation.

As I head into the microwave Dr. Octopus machine tomorrow, I'm going to remember:

"Yes this sucks! Yes you are one unlucky SOB, but YES you can get through it. Yes you WILL get through it. Yes your life will never be the same, but YES you will have a life and you have amazing friends and family, and although you will never be ordinary and normal, you will just have to do with being extraordinary, and special."

Accepting Applications (PG-13 or R Posting)

I talked about Chatting with my BFF in Canada on Sunday... well that was the perfect segue for tonight's events.

My Best friend K is back in Canada and I hadn't chatted with her since she came to Peterborough to help me pack up the day after I found out I was sick again, last week. So we had a little catching up to do, I mean a lot can happen in a week. We talked about my crush, which is honestly a whole other story. Of course we talked about my favorite topic, Sex.

"I swear K, its the weirdest thing, the last thing I should be thinking about or wanting for that matter is sex, but its ALL I can think about. It's clearly a case of wanting something just because I can't have it, or wanting someone."

It's true though, has it just not hit me yet because it really doesn't make sense, especially since I have bigger things I should be worrying about. Maybe I should just reread 50 shades... Hmmm that might make it worse. Will they just cast that damn movie already?

So while sitting on the couch with my mum tonight, I was catching up on True Blood (which doesn't help this "appetite" I have at the moment) and Dexter (Spoiler alert: OMG *MAGGIE* SO GOOD), she was researching my radiation treatments. Something interesting came up, (I'll include the pic for those that don't believe me).
Be prepared: This is Courtney at my sassiest and most unfiltered yet....

"Radiation can cause the normal tissue of the vagina to become irritated and sore. As it heals, scar tissue can form in the vagina. The scar tissue can make the vagina shorter or more narrow (this is called vaginal stenosis). When this happens, sex (vaginal intercourse) can become painful. Stretching the walls of the vagina a few times a week can help prevent this problem.

One way to do this is to have vaginal intercourse at least 3-4 times a week. Since this may be hard to do while getting cancer treatment, another option is to use a vaginal dilator. A dilator is a plastic or rubber tube used to stretch out the vagina. It feels like putting in a large tampon for a few minutes. Even if a woman is not interested in staying sexually active, keeping her vagina normal in size allows comfortable gynecological exams. This is an important part of follow-up after treatment. Vaginal estrogens may also be used to relieve dryness and prevent painful intercourse and help maintain the size of the vagina. Still, vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse can be long-term side effects from radiation."

-Cancer.Org

Ok so initial thoughts on the wording....
*So glad they clarify what sex is.
*A vaginal dilator and in non medical terms a vibrator. This just might be the best cancer treatment I've had yet. But really, a vaginal dilator.
*While reading the part about the large tampon, does anyone else have that scene from mean girls flashing in their heads?
*Ummm me not wanting to stay sexually active, I think a better use of my energy would maybe be me thinking about something other than being sexually active.
*Does anyone else realize that this is like a man's dream come true... Prescribed sex and a smaller, tighter pooter.
*It says this is also necessary to make ob/gyn exams more comfortable, um no, they are not comfortable, there is a man (or lady) in your lady bits and they didn't even buy you dinner first. Oh and they're kinky because they insert metal objects, I'm all for kinky but not on the first go.
*Vaginal estrogens to prevent dryness... this is why Cosmo's number one sex tip has always been lube! Oh and quite obviously skilled and extended foreplay.

*Oh and most importantly= Its information and advice like this, that sucks for someone who is actually very happy being single. I'm extremely content being single because I'm so career driven, but this kinda makes me think other wise. DAMN you unfeminist thoughts... "SWIM AWAY".

So lets take this back a notch, how do I feel about all of this? When I first heard what type of cancer I was diagnosed with, I was gutted. The irony of a girl who dreamed of becoming a sex therapist (damn you masters and PhD tuition fees), having her lady bits out of commission. (However lets be honest, the cancer hasn't exactly been holding me back the last year, standards has been to blame ::not ashamed, just horny::). But seriously, I'm only 25, Samantha Jones was well into her 50's and I am being taken out of the game at half her age, this just seems like the most unfair thing possible.

I'm going to get romantic and sappy on you for a second, there really is nothing more exciting than finding someone you're truly connected too and passionate about and unifying that bond as one. Yes, it takes time as evidenced by my dry spell, but the wait is so worth it. SO upon hearing my diagnosis, I was floored. How am I going to connect with someone on that level again if its being taken away from me. Will they understand, will they be willing to work with me, because I'm not going to lie, I'm scared as hell to have sex again. What will it feel like for me? What will it feel like for him? What if it sucks for him (not my skills obviously ::Wink Wink::) but just the feel... what if I utterly fall for someone (which is rare which makes it even scarier) and they leave because our sex life isn't normal. I get it, "If he's the right one, it wont be an issue" but it could be. I'm not naive, as humans we have needs. Sex has single handedly shaped history as we know it. Think Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, Dr. Sue, Dr. Alfred Kinsey. Do you think Cosmo would be one of the top selling women's magazines if it weren't for the fact that it sexually empowers women to eliminate the taboo of it all. I mean, we can read about fashion in vogue, and celeb gossip on perez, but we don't turn to any other magazine for sex advice. Think about it.

So, rounding this out, I'm a girl with intimacy issues. I've been hurt, so opening up is hard for me. Falling for someone is even harder, and now I have to worry that I may fall for someone and it may not work out because of SEX! Which used to be one of my favorite things about being in a relationship, and probably what made me such a great girlfriend (Sorry not going to elaborate on that one).

I like to think I've had three great serious relationships. They didn't work out for their own reasons but I learned something from each one of them and am so grateful to them for these lessons. If I could compile the one trait from each of them, that made them so great, I would be in the best relationship possible. The bar has been set. (I'm getting to my point and how it relates:)

Relationship #1. He was my best friend. We loved spending time together, and we had so much fun doing it. If I had any kind of news, he was the first person I wanted to tell. If something good happened to him, I was never jealous, I was so happy for him. We never competed, we actually missed each other when we we're apart.We shared friends and had respect and it was legit everything that your best friend is to you. He supported me in whatever crazy idea I had and I him. He has no idea how much I cherished those years together, and I always said "He is the greatest person I know, just maybe not the greatest boyfriend at times." I know if I had have stayed with him, we would have had a life so full of fun because being with him was great, but that was it, we were best friends and needed to leave it at that.

Relationship #2. Sex. We had the most incredible sex life. I didn't know what sex was until I met him. I felt comfortable, it could be my fattest day and he made me feel so beautiful. It could go terribly wrong, sounds, bumping heads, whatever but we would laugh, and keep going. We once spent an entire night going through a pocket kama sutra trying out each and every position. Marking the ones we liked, and didnt. We had that trust with each other that we could be open to make sure the other was being satisfied. We couldn't exactly stand each other out side the bedroom but it opened my eyes to what sexual chemistry was supposed to be like.

Relationship #3. Security. He was a real man, a grown up man. He made me feel safe. He helped me when my car broke. He paid for my dinners and treated me like a lady. He took me on real dates, with lots of thought. If someone spoke badly or negatively he would get heated and defend me (sometimes to an extreme). He had a real job, and was ambitious as hell which made me want to better myself. We were just two very different people, going down very different roads and also at very different stages in our lives.

My point here... those three qualities are what I want in my future relationships and ideally someday my husband. All three of those qualities feed off of each other. What is going to happen to my sex life and how will that affect the rest of my life. I'm already at a disadvantage not being able to have kids, so this just can't hinder my future relationships anymore than it already has. Otherwise Sexy Dexy is going to be getting a lot more brothers and sisters, and I'm too much of a dog person to become a full blown cat lady.
(However Dex is really cute so I thought I'd include some pics :) hehe)

Whatever the outcome, I have faith it will work out. My mom and I are off to a sex toy shop (thank god she's super awesome like that), because I didn't bring my supply with me. (I wonder if that will be reimbursed by insurance hahah). The title "Accepting Applications" more of a joke, but isn't that the theme of life. Are we not always accepting applications until we meet our someone? This just means that the man I end up with, will be the best kind of man, because he WILL be willing to deal with all of this, and not because he HAS too, but because he WANTS too. My bar has just been set higher. Clearly I'm a closet romantic, but hey by combining that with the dream of becoming a sex therapist into the perfect career- hello event and wedding planning!

So until that time comes and I'm stuck with cats, I'll stick with rabbits for now.... you know, to follow doctors orders ;)

PCR Results and "Friendly" Food For Thought....

So the last few days have been simple. Friday I slept and recovered from all of the commotion of the E.U.A. on Thursday. Nothing too exciting. My dad left to go back to Canada, which sucked. I felt bad because I didn't get to say goodbye. It made sense, coming all the way over to our house, which is in the opposite direction, just to wake me up to say good bye would have gone over as how my dad would say "Like a fart in church." Haha So although I didn't get to say goodbye, I got a call as soon as he was in Canada.

The good thing that came out of Friday was I finally got my PCR results. A PCR is the genetic blood test to check to make sure my leukemia is not back. With my type of leukemia gene's 15 and 17 translocate, basically they switch spots. So think of it like this, when I'm healthy my gene's would go in order... 13/14/15/16/17/18 but when I have leukemia they are like this 13/14/17/16/14/18. Long story short- NO LEUKEMIA!!!! This was huge news because it will really dictate how we approach treatment. It also means my donor from my last transplant is actually an Angel, because his bone marrow is working wonders and keeping me healthy! Thank you Frank! I'm going to make it to my 5 year ReBirthday after all :)

Yesterday, I went to the movies with the fam. We went and saw "We're the Millers". It was funny. The exciting thing was the movie theater. The seats were recliner chairs and they were SO comfy! It wasn't just a movie it was an experience.

We got home from the movie and lunch and I pretty much went to bed. My back has not been my friend lately. I did however take the time to plan with with one of my besties J, about the concert we're going to tonight. Someone close to me happens to be acquaintances with one of the wives of Matchbox 20, and were able to get me tickets. It was the coolest, just waking up to a text, "You have 4 tickets to the show on Sunday" :) Once again this goes back to the whole idea of having something to get excited about.

I'm stuck in my house, not working and feeling shitty. I am the same girl who less than a week ago was working 2 bar jobs, which worked out to 6 nights a week, volunteered with the Canadian Cancer Society, trained at the gym three days a week sometimes 4 days, was working on a job interview for a dream like job position, AND was in school. Talk about feeling like you've lost it all, I went from not having a second to actually sit down and actually eat a meal to basically having more time than I know what to do with, and I'm a girl who likes to be busy. That is another reason this blog has been so helpful for me personally. So when I have something to get excited about, I sure as hell do and I'm grateful as hell for it!

Its interesting talking about losing things, because people, you can lose people in this process too, but you can gain them as well. When your world turns upside down, its the people you don't expect who step up, and the one's you thought who would who don't. Well, some people you expect do, but normally its a surprise. I can honestly say, I've lost one good friend. Sometimes, people are too caught up in themselves to see the bigger picture. They just don't understand, that there are so many bigger things to be worrying about than stupid miscommunications, grudges and drama. In moments like this in your life, you have a lot of time for self reflection, and you realize whats trivial and not worthy of your energy. I don't have time for the negativity in my life. I don't have time for drama, and blowing things out of proportion, which is sad because it equates to me losing those negative friends. Holding grudges is so immature, life is too short. Especially as evidenced by this, it could be gone in a split second, its precious too, so don't take people for granted. Appreciate gestures, no matter how small, because as cliche as it sounds, its the thought that counts and in this day in age, the fact that someone is thinking about you at all, should be enough.

I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm not. I'm sure I get upset over trivial things, but I always make sure to remind myself to step back and take a look at what the real issue is. Its sad really how true colors show, but I would rather see them now then waste anymore time. I once heard a rumor about me, that a coworker had said. Basically the gist of the story is that a customer had said to her

"Oh that new girl is so sweet!"

And my co worker responded with

"Ya, if you like that kind of person who HAS to be nice to and friends with everybody."

At first I was so hurt by this, because I don't HAVE to be nice to or friends with everybody, I WANT to be. Why? Simply because what will I gain by not being nice or friendly, nothing good. Who am I to make anyone feel bad about themselves and therefore why wouldn't I want to be nice and friendly with everyone. I then thought about her words again and realized, this was a compliment, a backhanded one, but a compliment none the less, because if thats the absolute WORST she could say about me, then I'm not doing too bad. The world is a better place when people are nicer to other people. That pay-it-forward Coke commercial gets me every time! My point is, when you're faced with trials and tribulations, people's true colors show, and although you may not like what you see, don't let it bring you down, but let it be a reminder of what you don't want to be, so that in your own small way, you can better the world by being a better person.

On the plus side, some people have really surprised me. One person, who I thought would run for the hills scared, has actually been a huge support system (Which has been an AWESOME surprise, no seriously I'm grinning from ear to ear). Two of my best friends, are still my best friends and reminding me why they are everyday, even while visiting BC and being stuck in Kingston. They've legit just been the best and I'm so lucky to have them, in fact, I don't know what I would do with out them. People I've never met have reached out, people I've lost touch with, people who I didn't see eye to eye with. I get asked a lot how I stay so positive and its not something I'm choosing to do, I just am. I am though because I'm filled with a spirit full of love that I've received from my support systems.

Supporting someone going through something like this, doesn't have to be difficult. They just need to know that they can call you to vent if need be. They need to know you DO care and are not just going through the motions. That's the difference. A lot of this process makes you feel removed and withdrawn from life, so when your friends send you updates and make you still feel included and missed, that's like gold! There's nothing worse than feeling forgotten. I'm so lucky to have a support network larger than life. Including this sexy man....

So as this journey continues, I'll say it again, it's not necessarily what people say to you, its how they make you feel. Switch that around too, and think about how you want to make someone feel today, aim to make one person smile, and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself. I am feeling so blessed, thank you!

One last side note, I'm not the only one dealing with this dreadful disease. If you have a minute, please check out someone close to me who is also young and doesn't deserve to be dealing with this. She is a fighter and needs all the love and support she can get as well! This is her website here http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/for-robyn-with-love/65421